The ‘Stranger Things’ Soundtrack Won My Heart

Summer is a time so very often devoid of premier television programming. The major networks always wait until September or October to debut or return their keystone programming, setting up a battle royale for the nation’s attention. As a result, every new release stemming from June through August often goes unnoticed, with only true standouts able to garner the attention of the masses.

In past years, the summer has produced roughly one or two hit programs annually. Last year, USA Network’s Mr. Robot was the premier summer hit. USA also launched Suits, six years ago, to much acclaim, though relatively modest ratings. Netflix has also found significant summer success as a result of their spaced-out, movie studio-like release schedule. In recent years, Netflix’s summer has spawned the hit drama, Orange Is the New Black, and the animated cult-hit, BoJack Horseman (not to mention multiple decent programs). However, if you’re in search of a good CBS, NBC, or Fox program once the mainstays take their summer leave, you’ll be out of luck.

No, summer belongs to the less heralded programs, the ones introduced without much fanfare and renewed sporadically. Summer belongs to Stranger Things.

Yes, Netflix’s 80s-inspired, horror-drama hit has absolutely dominated the television conversation over the last few weeks. Boasting standout performances from a relatively unknown cast (not to mention the resurgence of Winona Ryder’s popularity), Stranger Things harkens back to the directors of old, the Spielbergs, Reiners, and Hugheses, to create an astounding and enthralling work of art. While the story is the key to Stranger Things‘s massive success, and it does work quite well, the show is undeniably nostalgia-driven.

Now, it’s foolish to breakdown every reference the Duffer Brothers attempted to sneak into their masterpiece. For one, there’s undoubtably several that will go unnoticed to all but the obsessive. More importantly, there’s already been numerous compilations highlighting Stranger Things‘s odes to Eighties cinema.

Rather, I would like to discuss the eclectic soundtrack of Netflix’s new hit program.

There’s numerous hit songs of the seventies and eighties used to score pivotal scenes from the onset. In the first episode, Jefferson Airplane’s “White Rabbit” and Toto’s “Africa” are busted out, both playing the part of well-selected hits that establish the tone of the show. Of course, The Clash’s “Should I Stay or Should I Go” is the highlight of the soundtrack, used on numerous occasions to establish a key plot-point in the early episodes and set up a fine call-back in the season finale. Looking throughout the entirety of the first season, the Duffer Brothers also include tracks like Modern English’s “I Melt With You” and Mykola Dmytrovych Leontovych’s “Carol of the Bells” to give the soundtrack a more expansive soundscape, while maintaining the delicate balance between campy and suspenseful. It’s a truly well-done soundtrack that could be poured over for several thousand words.

I’d like to focus on one particular track, though.

Trooper’s “Raise a Little Hell.”

If you’re not immediately recalling the scene that uses this track, go back and re-watch the second episode when Nancy and Barb arrive at Steve’s house for a tasteful get-together (roughly 30 minutes in). Don’t worry, I’ll wait.

…

Now that I’m sure you know what scene I’m referring to, and more importantly, the song itself, it’s time to offer my opinion on this particular soundtracking decision.

It was a really good one.

Alright, while I think it’s obvious that this was a really good choice, I guess I could explain my reasoning a bit. Allow me to break my defense of this choice into three equally important parts:

1. Popularity, or the lack thereof.

“Raise a Little Hell” is a perfect choice for this scene because of what it is not.

It is not a still-popular song that has found consistent airplay on classic rock radio, à la “Don’t Stop Believin'”. Hell, “Raise a Little Hell” wasn’t a terribly well-liked track when it was released in 1978, peaking at just 59th on the U.S. Hot 100. Also, it’s not from a band with any notoriety. Trooper is a Canadian rock group that only scored one Top 100 hit in the U.S. over the entirety of their existence. While they were fairly well-known in their home country, ultimately they proved too similar to the multitude of shined-up, pop-sensible rock bands of the 1970s to make a tangible global impression.

The low profile of the choice is remarkable. In an age where soundtracks typically go for obvious, lucrative partnerships with big label, big name artists, the Duffer Brothers found an instance where they could effectively choose an all-but-forgotten band and song, and pounced on the opportunity. I mean, Stranger Things included a song in their soundtrack with fewer than 250,000 plays on Spotify and a band with fewer than 50,000 monthly listeners. They went as far off the pop culture map as possible (without just creating a new song) for a five second soundbite. They put in work to arrive at this soundtrack choice and I respect the hell out of them for their effort.

2. The Fit

Here’s a quick ranking of the top five things where “fit” is most important:

1. Tailored suits
2. Adopting a pet (or human child, I suppose)
3. Soundtrack/scene pairing
4. High school cliques
5. Gloves (obviously)

As you can see, the fit between a soundtrack and scene is super important. Put the wrong music behind a poignant moment in a film and it can ruin the momentum of the action. Think about any movie (or commercial) that used Sarah McLachlan’s “Angel” over an emotional moment. I bet it ruined everything. It’s an okay song, don’t get me wrong, but it’s too overbearing to pair with any important scene. ASPCA commercials are about the only film pairing with which “Angel” belongs.

On the other hand, the perfect pairing allows for a director to mold the tone of important scenes in a way that can make a scene unforgettable. Badfinger’s “Baby Blue” made the series finale of Breaking Bad iconic. I can’t hear the Rolling Stones’ “Gimme Shelter” without thinking of Martin Scorsese films, particularly the opening scene to The Departed. And now, in the same way, I will forever be unable to listen to “Raise a Little Hell” without thinking about Steve Harrington’s voluptuous coif opening the door to, quite possibly, the most unexciting party in the history of modern film.

Seriously, I can’t think of a better selection for our beloved Steve’s theme song. A+.

3. “Raise a Little Hell” is Freakin’ Dope

Honestly, this song has long been one of my under-the-radar favorites and I’m so glad it’s finally been introduced to the masses. The harmonizing of the chorus is Journey-level catchy. They’ve got a keyboardist named Gogo. Plus, they’re Canadian and Canadians deserve more respect from the masses.

We’ve got a song encouraging mild anarchy being performed by a relatively unknown Canadian rock group. Take that, Canadian stereotypes painting our neighbors to the North as pacifistic and polite!

Deal with it

In conclusion, I’d like to personally thank the Duffer Brothers and everyone involved with Stranger Things for including a fun, relatively unknown classic in their first season. Hopefully they’ll work in Kim Mitchell’s “Go for Soda” in season two!

Corey Feldman Has Found His Calling

Alright, picture this.

It’s early June, 1985. You’re thirteen years old, sitting around in your Indiana Jones t-shirt, watching The Empire Strikes Back for the 90th time, and listening to Tears for Fears’ “Everybody Wants to Rule the World” on loop. Maybe, you’re even snacking on a bowl of Cookie Crisp because it’s pure, unadulterated sugar and you deserve it after putting up with an entire year of sixth grade history projects and book reports. In this particular moment, your thirteen year-old self is at total peace with the world.

And then mom gets back from the grocery store and the moment is gone forever.

Within seconds, you’re being scolded for watching tv and playing video games all day when your room’s a mess and the yard is in desperate need of a trim. So you spend your entire afternoon, time that should be wasted in relaxation because you’re only thirteen after all, doing chores for a measly allowance that everyone knows is probably unlawful in the eyes of numerous child labor statutes. And right around the time your contemplating the formation of an adolescent union to demand fair compensation for one’s household duties, your older brother gets home from his shift at Sears (he’s just a stock boy, but he’s hoping to get bumped to register duty in a few weeks).

So you drop the hedge clippers (what’s the point of hedges anyway?) and run to catch your brother before he gets inside.

“Hey, did you get it?” you ask, eyeing the paper bag in his hand anxiously.

“Where’s the money?” he responds, pulling the bag away from your grimy, outstretched fingers.

Without hesitation, you reach into your pocket and pull out a crumpled five dollar bill.

“Take it,” he says, grabbing the money and tossing the bag in your general direction.

Ravenously, you tear open the bag while walking inside, revealing the new issue of “X-Men,” still in its protective plastic cover.

So you spend the next hour, hedge clippers unmoved from the lawn, pouring over the latest escapades of Professor X and his gifted pupils until your mother finally calls for dinner.

At the table, eating the most wholesome meal imaginable and definitely not a TV dinner, your brother lays out his plans for the evening. Nothing all that notable, he informs your parents of his intentions to see a movie with his friends on this fine evening. By this point, you’ve pretty much tuned out of the conversation, but are brought back to attention when your father remarks, “Why don’t you take [your name] with you?”

Immediately thoughts of Atari vanish from your brain, as you recognize you’re actually involved in this boring conversation now. Despite ardent protests from your brother, within the hour you’re sitting in the passenger seat of his Pinto on the way to the local Cineplex.

Upon arrival, you’re promptly abandoned by your brother and forced to attend a screening alone (tragic). Scanning the board to see what’s playing, you eventually settle on a title and proceed to appropriate theater, grabbing a box of Milk Duds along the way (they were out of Peanut M&M’s).

Roughly two hours later, you stumble out of the theater, armed to the teeth with fresh references like “Hey, you gu-uys,” “I’m setting booty traps,” and “Do the Truffle Shuffle!” You may not realize it at the time, but you’ve just watched the quintessential film of the decade.

And deep in your heart, you know that Mouth (AKA Corey Feldman), whom you vaguely recall from that Gremlins movie you watched a few months back, is a future star who’s going to produce stand out films for decades to come.

Flash forward to the present day.

Almost two months ago, that seminal classic, The Goonies, celebrated its 31st anniversary.

Looking back on the cast, it’s not tough to find a few actors still making their presence felt in Hollywood. Josh Brolin (Brand) starred in the Coen Brothers’ Hail Caesar a few short months ago. Sean Astin (Mikey) is the voice of Raphael on the current Lego Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles animated program. Martha Plimpton (Stef) is bouncing from sitcom to sitcom, currently starring on ABC’s The Real O’Neals. And, of course, Joe Pantoliano (Francis Fratelli) is still hanging around the fringes of the Hollywood mainstream, with over a hundred film credits to his name.

And where is the fast-talking, scene-stealing Corey Feldman now?

Well, in the last year he’s voiced a recurring character alongside Sean Astin in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and recently released a ridiculously insignificant horror flick, Intrusion: Disconnected. But more importantly, June 22, 2016 marked the release of one of the year’s defining musical masterpieces: Corey Feldman’s third full length album, Angelic 2 the Core: Angelic Funkadelic / Angelic Rockadelic.

Now, if you’re like most, you probably didn’t even realize that Feldman had released a new album a little over a week ago. I mean, the mainstream, musical elite like Rolling Stone and Pitchfork don’t want to advertise for independently released artists residing outside the music industry establishment. Thankfully, this champion of the people and musical connisuere has discovered the sound of 2016.

Sure, there’s been a plethora of great music through the first seven months of the year, but nothing quite encapsulates the modern psyche quite like Angelic 2 the Core: Angelic Funkadelic / Angelic Rockadelic (Man, what a great title).

It’s bold. It’s brash. It challenges the establishment. It’s also messy. It lacks a message. It’s erratic and senseless. It’s terrifying. It’s a plane crashing into a train that’s crashing into a bus that’s filled to the brim with rabies-stricken mongooses. It’s the musical equivalent of equine feces. It is 2016.

Want a taste of Feldman’s brilliance? Look no further than the lead single, “Ascension Millennium.” (Also, do yourself a favor and read the video description that was clearly written by Feldman himself). It’s chock full of lyrical brilliance, such as “Giving peace and giving love, like the feathers of a dove” or “Our souls are held captive no more, like opening a magic door.” Feldman’s poetic wordsmanship is akin to Lennon-McCartney in 1967. Adele’s got nothing on the former Stand by Me star.

Move past the lyrics, though. Listen to the Snoop Dogg collaboration, “Go 4 It!” With a piano note intro reminiscent of Wiz Khalifa’s “See You Again,” followed by a drop worthy of an unreleased Skrillex demo, the track is a banger through and through. Not a fan of 2012 hip-hop remixes? Try “Seamless,” a track featuring Limp Bizkit’s Fred Durst and a horn-and-guitar riff that would feel right at home on a Bruno Mars album. If one thing is absolutely certain regarding Corey Feldman’s musical career, it’s that he’s not afraid of failure.

He’s also clearly averse to success, if his new album is any indication.

At least he’s got top notch album artwork…

Alas, the tale of Corey Feldman is just another in an incredibly long line of failed child actors. Drugs, death, a continuous battle with sobriety, and ultimately, a destroyed career.

But at least he’s still putting himself out there. Even if his latest project is ghastly enough to make one’s self physically ill with just a solitary listen, he still gets points for trying. However, please DO NOT BOTHER with this album unless you absolutely hate yourself.

This has been Stars of the Eighties: Where Are They Now? As always, if you don’t already know what happened to a long forgotten entertainer, assume they’re toiling away on something unworthy of anyone’s money or time.

The Beatles Perfectly Encapsulate Current American Politics in Three Minutes

The United States is currently broiling in record heat across most of the Midwest. Sitting in a “heat dome,” basically every state touching the Mississippi River is experiencing the hottest temperatures of the year (and high humidity to boot) as rain has become a foreign concept temporarily. I stepped outside this afternoon and immediately felt like bearded Ron Burgundy in Anchorman.

While relief may not seem to be on the horizon for those affected by the sweltering, wretched curse of the Sun, I’m told that I will indeed stop sweating at some point in the near future.

I’m not sure I believe that.

You see, it’s easy to panic. The human race is conditioned to worry, and for very good reason. I mean, when you’re ancestors were avoiding impending death in the form of wild beasts, constantly evolving disease, and one another, that paranoia tends to be passed down. The United States is no different from the rest of the world. From British totalitarianism through total economic collapse, from Pearl Harbor to McCarthyism, the U.S. has basically operated like Mad-Eye Moody, and to great prosperity and success. Yet, the unfortunate consequence of this paranoid mindset is a developed tendency to envision disaster in every current event, making news broadcasts seem like apocalypse predictions to a significant portion of the population.

Is it possible “Ghostbusters II” predicted the end of the world??

So why am I still sweating if I’m aware the vast majority of the perilous stories peddled by the media will amount to a minimal effect on my personal well-being? Because I’m legitimately frightened the 2016 Presidential Race could have a significant, negative impact on major aspects of my life.

Boasting Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton as the frontrunners in a laughably terrifying race for the White House, and paired with an extremely disgruntled and polarized general population, the United States is at a pivotal political crossroads, arguably on par with that of the late Sixties. If I’m not mistaken, the response in 1968 was to hand over a divided nation to Richard Nixon and hope for the best. We don’t really have a stellar track record of making reasoned decisions under pressure over the last sixty years.

I know what you’re thinking by now: what does this have to do with the Beatles? Let me explain.

Since earlier this week, when I heard the first song from Tom Morello’s new outfit, “Prophets of Rage” by Prophets of Rage (look at that shameless Bad Company ripoff), I’ve been contemplating the best protest songs over the years. Of course I considered the great Bob Dylan tracks of the Sixties, “Blowin’ in the Wind,” “The Times They Are a-Changin’,” etc., but I also thought about Creedence Clearwater Revival’s “Fortunate Son,” Buffalo Springfield’s “For What It’s Worth,” CSN&Y’s “Ohio,” Public Enemy’s “Fight the Power,” Rage Against the Machine’s entire discography, and Edwin Starr’s “WAR,” (among others), before sifting through my Beatles catalog.

Every protest song, especially those of the late Sixties, remain painfully relevant in their subject matter and tone. However, the perfect protest song to represent the events occurring in today’s United States is a track released in 1968 off The White Album by the Beatles: “Revolution.”

Allow me to show my work with a line-by-line breakdown of the Beatles’ hit single:

“You say you want a revolution. Well, you know, we all want to change the world.”

Lyrically referencing both political parties, 2016 has witnessed the rise of revolutions on both sides of the aisle by voters. While the attempted coup on the Democrat establishment was long and hard-fought, the newest generation of voters was ultimately unable to fully overthrow the current leadership and Bernie Sanders was forced to concede defeat (though the Left must now be painfully aware of the political feelings of the educated millennial generation). Meanwhile, the GOP ceded defeat yesterday against the middle-class, fear-and-xenophobia-induced revolution from the new Right by announcing Donald Trump as the Republican nominee for the presidency. While many Americans are divided on social and economic issues, nearly everyone has fallen in line with the revolution mentality sweeping the nation.

“You tell me that it’s evolution. Well, you know, we all want to change the world.”

See above.

“But when you talk about destruction, don’t you know that you can count me out.”

Here’s where the Beatles begin their oppositional stance towards Mr. Trump. Taking cues from the liberal-leaning American population, the Beatles denounce the proposed bombings in the Middle East. However, reading into this lyric, you can notice that the subtext also disavows the hinted intentions of Trump to remove the United States from global organizations like the United Nations. Not only do John, Paul, George, and Ringo oppose literal destruction abroad, but they also want the GOP to “count [them] out” of the potential “destruction” of global coalitions to which the United States belongs.

“You say you got a real solution. Well, you know, we’d all love to see the plan.”

A common criticism of political candidates amongst the general population is the tendency for prospective politicians to offer primarily sentiment while avoiding detailed descriptions of their intentions or execution of proposed plans. Here, the Beatles return their attention to the whole of major party politics in the United States, criticizing both Trump’s ability to outline a plan beyond “we’re going to build a wall and Mexico’s going to pay for it,” and the lack of a defined platform proposing significant changes to the current political landscape from Hillary Clinton. Clearly, the Beatles want more information than they’re being given, as do many American citizens.

Chris Traeger is literally just another typical politician. 

“You ask me for a contribution. Well, you know, we’re all doing what we can.”

Here, we witness a thinly veiled jab at the political campaigns of Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton. While the Beatles may have the capital to endorse the political candidate of their choosing, they recognize that the vast majority of their fans are insulted by wealthy individuals like Trump and Clinton begging for donations from the middle class. In response, they take the given opportunity to speak out against the top 1%’s shameless solicitation of America’s populace.

“But if you want money for people with minds that hate, all I can tell you is “buddy, you’ll have to wait.”

Again, the Beatles direct their attention towards Mr. Trump. Unafraid to protest openly against the Republican presidential candidate, the Fab Four openly refer to the former Apprentice host as a person with a mind that hates. While this could be referencing a number of Trump stances, I would assume the Beatles are particularly focusing on the xenophobic leanings of the Donald regarding Muslims and Mexicans. Through this lyric, the Beatles respond with a resounding “NO” to Trump’s earlier pleas for campaign funding.

“You say you’ll change the Constitution. Well, you know, we all want to change your head.”

For the first time, the Beatles seem to nod towards the Left more than the Right with a lyric. While this line is a little vague, I would assume they’re referencing the ongoing attempts of far Left activists to revoke or scale back the scope of the Second Amendment. While this line could also refer to recent passing of laws protecting the rights of the homosexual and transexual community, the previous criticism of Mr. Trump would make this an odd shift in political leaning for the Fab Four.

That’s cool, Nic. Just stay away from the Constitution.

“You tell me it’s the institution. Well, you know, you’d better free your mind instead.”

Yeah, the Beatles’ buzz is starting to wear off by now. Their attention span has dissipated (typical millennials) and now the group seems to be encouraging a nationwide “high” in an effort to calm the ongoing tension across the country.

“But if you go carrying pictures of Chairman Mao, you ain’t gonna make it with anyone, anyhow.”

Oh yeah, this song came out in the Sixties, not recently. Also, if you’re carrying pictures of Chairman Mao, it’s a little weird at this point. Might want to update your wallet with a picture of Vladimir Putin or Kim Jong-un.

And lastly,

“Don’t you know it’s gonna be alright.”

The reprise heard throughout the song emphasizes the necessity for optimism in such tumultuous times. It’s a much needed sentiment that offers hope for a brighter future at the end of these dark times. How poetic.

In conclusion, the Beatles’ “Revolution” is the perfect song to encapsulate current events in the United States, particularly regarding the upcoming presidential election. They truly were ahead of their time.

Finding a Musical Comparison for the Golden State Warriors

The NBA and hip-hop culture are pretty obviously intertwined. I mean, since Allen Iverson, nearly 80% of NBA players (I made that number up) have embraced the lifestyle most commonly associated with hip-hop, at least in the media. Think J.R. Smith. That’s the extreme of this relationship, at present.

Also, ignore Jimmy Butler’s country music warm-up playlist that is absolute trash. He’s an oddity, an outlier, and quite frankly an embarrassment to the Chicago Bulls franchise. Okay, that last part was a little much. But the point remains: the vast majority of NBA players enjoy hip-hop music more than any other genre, with a select few even pursuing rap careers in the offseason.

But I’m not here to talk about hip-hop.

Rather, I want to talk about our new overlords, the Golden State Warriors, and the musical comp for the ages. And that comp lies solidly within the realm of classic rock royalty.

I’m sorry Dubs super-fans, Smash Mouth, but you’re not in the running.

I only approach this topic because I was privy to a Twitter debate this afternoon regarding the subject. The whole exchange was founded behind a dimwitted, flawed, and thoroughly lazy comparison of the new-look Warriors to the Beatles. Foolish.

For one, who amongst the Warriors “Big Four” plays the role of Ringo in this scenario? Ringo was an anomaly in a group of larger-than-life rockstars who often fell victim to countless jokes from his bandmates. I just can’t see the rest of the Warriors ganging up to clown one of their stars in press conferences regularly. It simply doesn’t make any sense.

Now, it’s time for me to open up to a world of criticism (and possibly a few unsubscribes) by stating an absolute opinion that truly rules out the Beatles-Dubs comparison: If the Warriors boast the greatest all-around assemblage of talent the NBA has ever seen, their musical comparison must be of equal talent relative to their musical competition. And that is not the Beatles.

Don’t get me wrong, the Beatles boast four incredible (fabulous?) musicians. However, they are more 2014 Spurs than new-look Warriors. The Spurs were one of the best all-around basketball squads ever, but failed to boast any true superstars. Their main players (Duncan, Parker, Ginobili, and Kawhi) were all very good, but it was the coalescence of their fundamental skill-sets that amounted to world domination.

The same could be said of the Beatles. John Lennon was a terrific vocalist, but he wasn’t on the same level of a Freddie Mercury. Paul McCartney was also an amazing all-around musician, but he failed to succeed in grand fashion at any particular instrument (though the Lennon-McCartney songwriting duo is clearly unparalleled). George Harrison was a groundbreaking guitarist and technically proficient while still playing with freedom and soul, but he’s not in the same elite tier of Clapton or Hendrix or Eddie Van Halen. And Ringo, while being the backbone for the most popular musical outfit in all of history, is nowhere near the upper echelon of drummers like Keith Moon or Neil Peart.

No, as great as the Beatles are, their individual talents do not quite add up to an equal worthy of comparison to the Golden State Warriors.

So who’s the better comp?

Well, I’ve given a bit of thought to that. First, I’ve narrowed the contenders to quartets, as that’s essentially how the Warriors will be viewed. So then, what great four-pieces seem to potentially vie for this honorary, pointless status?

Queen makes an interesting case, but are not quite talented enough top-to-bottom to encapsulate the Warriors. Pink Floyd is interesting, but I don’t foresee the required dissension among Curry and Durant to warrant this comparison. I really want to make the Warriors the equals of the Who, but I’m not sure the member-to-player breakdowns would make as much sense as my winner.

No, the musical comparison for the Golden State Warriors is…Led Zeppelin!

Okay, this may be too high of praise for the Warriors. I mean, Led Zeppelin is the greatest band of all time (don’t fight me on this). I don’t want to jump the gun and declare the Warriors the greatest team of all time (I’ve almost made that mistake once, after all) because they haven’t played a minute of basketball together. Still, the collection of talent between the two is uncanny, especially in how the players perfectly equate to their musical counterparts.

Let’s break this down:

First, let’s get the obvious out of the way: Kevin Durant is Jimmy Page. Page left the Yardbirds (a terrific band in their own right *cough* Thunder *cough*) to lead a new death squad that would conquer music with unabashed swagger and heavenly sounds. See the KD parallel? Also, Jimmy Page is one of a handful of elite guitarists in history with an all-around mastery of the instrument. Jimmy Page was phenomenal because he mastered every aspect of his craft. Kevin Durant is climbing the ranks of NBA legends because he can score in every way imaginable and shows versatility on the defense end. Kevin Durant is the NBA’s Jimmy Page and it’s not up for debate.

I’m fairly certain Durant would play 12 string, FWIW

Now, who amongst the Warriors takes on the role of Robert Plant? Well, that would be Sir Draymond Green (he’s been knighted, right?) playing the part of the exuberant vocal leader of the Warriors. Robert Plant is a terrific frontman because he possesses the necessary swagger, not because he’s an otherworldly vocalist (but he’s still pretty good). Robert Plant was unique in his time. Draymond shares the swagger of Plant, but likewise is not special regarding pure talent. Draymond is the idiosyncratic star of the Warriors equal to that of the Golden God, Robert Plant.

Klay Thompson is John Paul Jones because he is a near-lock to be unappreciated in his own time. It took a few awesome games in the playoffs for casual fans to recognize how awesome and quietly ruthless Klay remains. Among bassists, I think it’s fair to say John Paul Jones was continually ignored as a result of background greatness when compared to his more exciting bandmates. Nevertheless, John Paul Jones had to chug along in the background with rock-solid baselines holding “Ramble On” and “Over the Hills and Far Away.” The flash factor isn’t there, but you can’t argue with the results produced by Klay and JPJ.

Lastly, Stephen Curry is the Warriors’ equivalent of John Bonham (though, hopefully without the tragic end). Bonham is one of the greatest drummers in rock history, much in the same way Curry is the greatest shooter the NBA has ever seen. Also, John Bonham destroyed songs, and the hope of lesser bands equaling Zeppelin, with the same ferocity and regardlessness for human life that Curry encapsulates when he goes full Super Saiyan and starts pulling up from 35 feet just to obliterate the confidence of his lesser competitors.

I don’t know what I meant to accomplish by writing this, but hopefully someone finds value in knowing, without a doubt, that the new Golden State Warriors are the basketball equivalent of Led Zeppelin. Feel free to borrow some of the finer points outlined above when drunkenly debating the NBA in December as the Dubs lay waste to the competition.

“Going to California with destruction in my heart…”

Black Sabbath Goes Pop or: How to Ditch Post-Grunge and Love the Blues-y Future of Rock

Ok, so rock and roll is not dead. It’s not going to die, either. Despite the doomsday predictions of cynics that simply hate the glorification of sex, drugs, and wait every genre talks about the same material that rock music does.

Go on…

Rock and roll is ingrained into modern culture to the point where television series like the recently cancelled Vinyl from HBO, Showtime’s Roadies, and FX’s Sex&Drugs&Rock&Roll are all the rage in the high-end cable programming market. However, what is often referenced as “rock music” (perhaps correctly) refers almost exclusively to the classics released decades ago.

The Rolling Stones, The Who, Lynyrd Skynyrd, Boston, The Beatles, Jimi Hendrix, and Led Zeppelin are the names synonymous with the term “rock,” but the moniker hasn’t been limited in use to only those hard rock bands of the 1960s and 70s. Rather, any music dominated by guitar riffs (distorted, preferably) and uptempo drumbeats are still referred to as “rock.” And as a result, official charts like Billboard and Mediabase still lump together modern guitar-heavy songs under the “rock” label (though, alternative charts also showcase some contemporary guitar-driven musicians).

I’ve rambled a bit so far, but trust me, I do have a point.

Over the course of the last few years, airplay for new “rock” groups on traditional radio stations (still the best way to monitor new music, in my opinion) have witnessed a notable decline. Following alternative and rock radio trends daily on Kworb.net, I’ve noticed that alternative music, the cousin (and chief competitor) to rock radio, has been subject to a sharp spike in popularity over the last five years, while rock has oscillated between small declines and stagnation.

Take this for example:

Five years ago today, eleven songs garnered at least 1,000 spins per day on alternative radio stations in the United States, with “Pumped Up Kicks” (remember that?) holding the number one spot at 1,846 spins nationwide. Flash forward to the present and the alternative chart currently boasts eighteen songs with at least 1,000 spins, with the number one spot held by the ageless Blink-182’s “Bored to Death,” sitting on an impressive 3,167 spins over the last 24 hours. It doesn’t take a top-notch market analyst (thankfully) to recognize that alternative radio is on the rise, and most of the growth has been fueled by newer groups like twenty one pilots, Bastille, Fitz & the Tantrums, and AWOLNATION.

“Stressed Out” by twenty one pilots is too real

For accurate comparison, look no further than the same statistics for rock radio over the same time span. Five years ago today, ten active rock songs garnered 1,000 spins, with Adelitas Way’s “Sick” pacing the competition with 1,956 spins. Today, only eight songs are currently pulling 1,000 spins or more. The current active rock number one, “Dark Necessities” by the immortal Red Hot Chili Peppers, is topping out at 2,050 spins, but the “spin-crease” for number one songs in the rock genre is nowhere close to that of the alternative chart.

Here’s the thing with new rock music’s lack of growth: rock stations in the United States, as dictated by their listener base, are being forced to rely more heavily on a catalog of hits from years prior and abandon the focus on promoting new records. That’s not the way radio is meant to operate, unless it’s an “oldies” station and it spells an end to modern rock’s popularity in the mainstream.

So what can be done to salvage rock radio stations from a seemingly predestined fade into oblivion akin to that of Album-Oriented Radio decades ago (AOR: the founders of the term “Classic Rock”)?

Me too, Ozzy. Now back to your “Sounds of the Eighties” station.

Well, the answer seems fairly obvious, in my estimation. It’s time to ditch “new” songs that rely on the post-grunge soundscape. The old giants of the genre (Godsmack, Breaking Benjamin, Three Days Grace, etc.) continue to rely on the same generic, grinding, metal-lite formula that vaunted their success in the late 90s and early 2000s. As great as “I Hate Everything About You” was over a decade ago, we’ve all been exposed to multiple songs imitating the same lyrical tone and power-chord driven sludge for far too long, with little variation to find reprieve within.

But lo and behold! There are a bevy of new rock groups tapping into a “new” foundation for the genre!

The future of rock music is waiting in the wings with the sound that could easily fuel another decade-plus of tolerable imitators. For illustrative purposes, the rebirth of rock is contingent on a sound mixing the blues-infected metal of Black Sabbath with the uptempo excitement of Led Zeppelin’s “Rock and Roll.” And yet, this sound is not entirely a copy of the bluesy hard rock of the early 70s, for these groups are blending pop-alternative sensibilities of the present with darker, heavier guitar-and-drum fueled swagger evoking Jimmy Page and Joe Perry.

And so is your music, Mr. Plant.

So who are the saviors of rock radio?

Well, let me name a few that have already flashed arena-sellout, multi-platinum potential:

Highly Suspect, who recently topped the charts with infectious singles like “Lydia” and “Bloodfeather.”

The Pretty Reckless, headlined by Cindy Lou Who from “How the Grinch Stole Christmas” and boasting recent hits like “Heaven Knows” and “F*cked Up World.”

This former child star hardly looks like she belongs in Whoville

Royal Blood, a British bass-and-drum duo with infectious singles like “Figure It Out” and some of the more inventive, imaginative music videos in recent memory.

And of course, the headliner of this blues-ier rock sound, Volbeat, whose blend of country-western imagery, fearless guitar solos, and riffing reminiscent of “Black Album”-era Kirk Hammett melds into rollicking tracks like “Heaven Nor Hell” and “The Devil’s Bleeding Crown.”

Paired with alt-rock crossovers, the Black Keys (among others), the opportunity for rock music to reenter the realm of nationwide popularity is present and should be promoted. Rock music has grown stale over the last decade, but that shouldn’t lead to complacency among mainstream rock DJs.

Let’s infuse some fresh blood into a genre that’s been on life-support since the Second Bush administration. I’m sure rock ambassador Dave Grohl would echo my sentiment, for what it’s worth.

“Rock is dead,” they say. LONG LIVE ROCK!