The Lord of the Rings: NBA Edition

Ages ago, in a land foreign to all but the most elite, there was a time of prosperity. Across the farthest reaches of civilization, every man could work their way to success with perseverance and cooperation. But alas, all good things must end and evil forces did arise to destroy the land, led by an almighty King.

In the time after the fall of Lord Jordan’s Kingdom in the City of Wind and the end of the Kobe & Shaquille alliance in Lakertopia, the realm became a raging battle between multiple armies, all vying for the throne. While Lord Wade recruited the former King O’Neal, their rule was brief. The long simmering Army of the Spurs lashed out and seized control before retreating back to their desert kingdom. The suffering Lords Garnett, Pierce, and Allen then aligned to charge at the crown, before King Mamba, reinvigorated from his days as Kobe, resurrected Lakertopia from the ashes of desolation. However, through this constant shift in power in the land, a dark alliance had formed between Lord Wade and the most powerful force the kingdom had ever witnessed.

In the year of reckoning, 2012, the alliance led by the wicked King James came to power and the rest of the kingdom shuttered in fear, for the dark lord had arrived to dominate with a hand of sheer destruction. His kingdom, while not impervious to siege, had clearly brought James into a rarefied class of ruler.

And then, to combat the all-powerful James as he laid waste to the land, Prince Curry, in the long-forgotten Golden State, banded together with Lords Thompson and Green to concoct an army that could dethrone the omnipotent King James. Yet, when they attacked and swept across the land with a fury unbeknownst to the kingdom since the long-past Days of Jordan, they found that even their impressive Strength in Numbers was no match for the sheer presence of James and his faithful Cavaliers of Domination. Humbled and weakened by their defeat, the Warriors of Golden State found themselves at a loss and seemed ready to cede control of the land to King James for eternity.

That is, until the Warriors were approached by a powerful knight from the desolate wasteland of Oklahoma, who pledged to join their still-powerful army in another attempt to thwart the rule of James. However, in adding Sir Durant to Golden State’s forces, an unforeseen shift in the opinion of the commoners in the land did occur. Fearing a new dictatorship from the Warriors in the West, the commoners looked at Golden State, not as saviors, but as a new enemy equal to that of their mighty King.

And so it was that the peoples from across the land, regardless of long-standing tensions, began to organize in secret and develop a plot to destroy the powerful armies in the East and West.

But what men could stand up to such a task?

A Fellowship was proposed, uniting the people of the land in their quest for liberation. To prepare the travelers for their daunting journey, the council of the wise elected Carlisle the Graying leader of the Fellowship. The great wizard then set forth to scour the kingdom in search of the noblest and bravest to conquer the powers of evil.

Traveling to the cold North, Carlisle sought out Karl-Anthony Towns, King of the Wolves of Timber, to front the party. The young king, with a growing army of forces, gracefully accepted the Wizard’s request and began a recruitment stage of his own.

Meanwhile, Carlisle continued on his quest, traveling to the fallen Lakertopia. Arriving in the once-great City of Angels, Carlisle sought out the young warrior, D’Angelo Russell, an over-confident gunner with “ice in his veins.” While not an ideal choice for such an important task, Carlisle felt assured that the thirst to bring his people back to their former glory would motivate and focus the arrogant Russell.

Traveling on, the Wizard crossed many a land before arriving at the foot of another fallen empire, the Celtics of Bostonia. Meeting with the Celt High Council, Carlisle found a hard-nosed, gritty warrior with a nasty Napoleon Complex, Jae Crowder, a man not only with terrific work ethic, but with motivation to bring an end to the glory of Sir Durant of Golden State. While not overly fond of the youngster Russell, due to a long-standing hatred between the two peoples, Crowder put aside past differences to focus on the present threats throughout the realm.

Last, Carlisle traveled to the New City of York to seek the formerly great warrior, Sir Derrick Rose. Cast out of his rightful kingdom after many starved, disappointing years, Rose fled to York to train and band together with other past legends of battle, such as King Melo and Joakim of Arc. However, intrigued by the Wizard’s proposition, Rose agreed to meet the rest of the Company in a hope of finding an even better “super-army” to fight alongside.

Setting the final meeting for preparation in the October of Reckoning, Carlisle assembled his warriors in the mountains of Colorado under the lights of the oft-deserted Pepsi Palace. Armed with Russell, Crowder, and Rose, the Company awaited their soft-spoken leader, Towns.

Arriving at dusk, King Towns approached the Company with four small men from the Southwest. With much suspense, Towns unveiled his slight-of-stature soldiers as Men of the Sun, hailing from the arid land of Phoenix. One by one, the Suns introduced themselves: cousins Tyler Ulis, Devin Booker, and Eric Bledsoe of the Wildcat bloodline and close friend, Brandon Knight (ironically, not an actual knight). The men, none taller than even the smallest of the others in the Fellowship, were clearly young and unprepared for the harrows of battle, but King Towns insisted that what they lacked in size, they would more than compensate for with heart.

Setting out on their long journey across the land, the Fellowship traveled far and wide, dispelling attacks from the local tribes in order to reach the land of the King. Arriving in the long-forgotten city of Louis the Saint, the party was forced to disperse, much to their dismay, with Sir Rose succumbing to injury and sadly fading into oblivion, though leaving words of encouragement for young Bledsoe.

The Fellowship disbanded, Bledsoe and his faithful friend Booker proceeded towards the dark Kingdom of Cleveland with Westbrook, the saboteur, in close pursuit. Meanwhile, Ulis and Knight, abandoned from the others, were forced to travel lonesome southward, armed with little in means of defense. All the while, Towns led Russell and Crowder north to his kingdom to unite the Wolves of Timber and prepare for the oncoming army of Golden State.

Gathering and galvanizing the armies of Minnesota, King Towns and his followers marched south along the River of Mississippi, preparing for battle with the massive Warrior army, or Dub Nation, as it had come to be known.

Outnumbered and untested in battle, Towns’ army began to fear defeat as Lord Curry, Sir Durant, and the rest of Golden State’s forces rapidly approached. Little did Towns know that his tiny warriors, Ulis and Knight, had found refuge in the South, marching forward with the ancient, mighty army of the Spurs. Flanking the cannons and sharp-shooting archers of the Warriors army, Ulis, Knight, and the Spurs arrived just as King Towns’ defenses were about to collapse. Working in unison, a reinvigorated Towns and the Spurs soft-spoken ruler, Kawhi, were able to narrowly defeat the Warriors army, releasing the West from terror. With one army of darkness dispelled, the Spurs forces calmly retreated to their homeland of San Antonio, while Towns led the remains of his forces to the gates of The Land.

With the small Wolves army gathered at the Gates of the King, the almighty James directed his powerful forces, led by Dark Riders, Kyrie and Love, to conquer the debilitated and outnumbered forces of King Towns.

Yet in focusing on attack from the West, King James made a fatal mistake, ignoring events transpiring from the East. For Bledsoe and Booker, united by friendship and driven by duty, had traversed around the edges of Cleveland and approached from the vulnerable Eastern entrance. Storming into the Larry O’Brien Tower, where the Rings of James resided, a hobbled Bledsoe approached with an endgame at last in sight.

Alas, the saboteur emerged and overpowered the weakened Bledsoe, seizing the Rings for his own. Facing the possibility of a more terrifying ruler coming to power, slender Booker mustered his courage, drew his weapon, and unleashed a vicious attack on the beastly Westbrook. Seizing the Rings and vanquishing the tenacious and betrayed Westbrook once and for all, the source of King James’s power was stolen and his terrifying reign came to an end, though resounding finality could not be accomplished, as the primal power of James can never truly disappear.

Exhausted, the brave Suns returned to King Towns, whose forces were able to overpower King James’ following Bledsoe and Booker’s heroics. Faced with an opportunity to establish his own empire, the noble King Towns opted to divide the Rings amongst the land and promote prosperity throughout the realm before returning to his Northern kingdom.

And last, but certainly not least, the valorous and diminutive Suns returned to their quiet Phoenix while peace, parity, and tranquility reigned supreme.

The End.

Finding a Musical Comparison for the Golden State Warriors

The NBA and hip-hop culture are pretty obviously intertwined. I mean, since Allen Iverson, nearly 80% of NBA players (I made that number up) have embraced the lifestyle most commonly associated with hip-hop, at least in the media. Think J.R. Smith. That’s the extreme of this relationship, at present.

Also, ignore Jimmy Butler’s country music warm-up playlist that is absolute trash. He’s an oddity, an outlier, and quite frankly an embarrassment to the Chicago Bulls franchise. Okay, that last part was a little much. But the point remains: the vast majority of NBA players enjoy hip-hop music more than any other genre, with a select few even pursuing rap careers in the offseason.

But I’m not here to talk about hip-hop.

Rather, I want to talk about our new overlords, the Golden State Warriors, and the musical comp for the ages. And that comp lies solidly within the realm of classic rock royalty.

I’m sorry Dubs super-fans, Smash Mouth, but you’re not in the running.

I only approach this topic because I was privy to a Twitter debate this afternoon regarding the subject. The whole exchange was founded behind a dimwitted, flawed, and thoroughly lazy comparison of the new-look Warriors to the Beatles. Foolish.

For one, who amongst the Warriors “Big Four” plays the role of Ringo in this scenario? Ringo was an anomaly in a group of larger-than-life rockstars who often fell victim to countless jokes from his bandmates. I just can’t see the rest of the Warriors ganging up to clown one of their stars in press conferences regularly. It simply doesn’t make any sense.

Now, it’s time for me to open up to a world of criticism (and possibly a few unsubscribes) by stating an absolute opinion that truly rules out the Beatles-Dubs comparison: If the Warriors boast the greatest all-around assemblage of talent the NBA has ever seen, their musical comparison must be of equal talent relative to their musical competition. And that is not the Beatles.

Don’t get me wrong, the Beatles boast four incredible (fabulous?) musicians. However, they are more 2014 Spurs than new-look Warriors. The Spurs were one of the best all-around basketball squads ever, but failed to boast any true superstars. Their main players (Duncan, Parker, Ginobili, and Kawhi) were all very good, but it was the coalescence of their fundamental skill-sets that amounted to world domination.

The same could be said of the Beatles. John Lennon was a terrific vocalist, but he wasn’t on the same level of a Freddie Mercury. Paul McCartney was also an amazing all-around musician, but he failed to succeed in grand fashion at any particular instrument (though the Lennon-McCartney songwriting duo is clearly unparalleled). George Harrison was a groundbreaking guitarist and technically proficient while still playing with freedom and soul, but he’s not in the same elite tier of Clapton or Hendrix or Eddie Van Halen. And Ringo, while being the backbone for the most popular musical outfit in all of history, is nowhere near the upper echelon of drummers like Keith Moon or Neil Peart.

No, as great as the Beatles are, their individual talents do not quite add up to an equal worthy of comparison to the Golden State Warriors.

So who’s the better comp?

Well, I’ve given a bit of thought to that. First, I’ve narrowed the contenders to quartets, as that’s essentially how the Warriors will be viewed. So then, what great four-pieces seem to potentially vie for this honorary, pointless status?

Queen makes an interesting case, but are not quite talented enough top-to-bottom to encapsulate the Warriors. Pink Floyd is interesting, but I don’t foresee the required dissension among Curry and Durant to warrant this comparison. I really want to make the Warriors the equals of the Who, but I’m not sure the member-to-player breakdowns would make as much sense as my winner.

No, the musical comparison for the Golden State Warriors is…Led Zeppelin!

Okay, this may be too high of praise for the Warriors. I mean, Led Zeppelin is the greatest band of all time (don’t fight me on this). I don’t want to jump the gun and declare the Warriors the greatest team of all time (I’ve almost made that mistake once, after all) because they haven’t played a minute of basketball together. Still, the collection of talent between the two is uncanny, especially in how the players perfectly equate to their musical counterparts.

Let’s break this down:

First, let’s get the obvious out of the way: Kevin Durant is Jimmy Page. Page left the Yardbirds (a terrific band in their own right *cough* Thunder *cough*) to lead a new death squad that would conquer music with unabashed swagger and heavenly sounds. See the KD parallel? Also, Jimmy Page is one of a handful of elite guitarists in history with an all-around mastery of the instrument. Jimmy Page was phenomenal because he mastered every aspect of his craft. Kevin Durant is climbing the ranks of NBA legends because he can score in every way imaginable and shows versatility on the defense end. Kevin Durant is the NBA’s Jimmy Page and it’s not up for debate.

I’m fairly certain Durant would play 12 string, FWIW

Now, who amongst the Warriors takes on the role of Robert Plant? Well, that would be Sir Draymond Green (he’s been knighted, right?) playing the part of the exuberant vocal leader of the Warriors. Robert Plant is a terrific frontman because he possesses the necessary swagger, not because he’s an otherworldly vocalist (but he’s still pretty good). Robert Plant was unique in his time. Draymond shares the swagger of Plant, but likewise is not special regarding pure talent. Draymond is the idiosyncratic star of the Warriors equal to that of the Golden God, Robert Plant.

Klay Thompson is John Paul Jones because he is a near-lock to be unappreciated in his own time. It took a few awesome games in the playoffs for casual fans to recognize how awesome and quietly ruthless Klay remains. Among bassists, I think it’s fair to say John Paul Jones was continually ignored as a result of background greatness when compared to his more exciting bandmates. Nevertheless, John Paul Jones had to chug along in the background with rock-solid baselines holding “Ramble On” and “Over the Hills and Far Away.” The flash factor isn’t there, but you can’t argue with the results produced by Klay and JPJ.

Lastly, Stephen Curry is the Warriors’ equivalent of John Bonham (though, hopefully without the tragic end). Bonham is one of the greatest drummers in rock history, much in the same way Curry is the greatest shooter the NBA has ever seen. Also, John Bonham destroyed songs, and the hope of lesser bands equaling Zeppelin, with the same ferocity and regardlessness for human life that Curry encapsulates when he goes full Super Saiyan and starts pulling up from 35 feet just to obliterate the confidence of his lesser competitors.

I don’t know what I meant to accomplish by writing this, but hopefully someone finds value in knowing, without a doubt, that the new Golden State Warriors are the basketball equivalent of Led Zeppelin. Feel free to borrow some of the finer points outlined above when drunkenly debating the NBA in December as the Dubs lay waste to the competition.

“Going to California with destruction in my heart…”

Who’s the Boss? LeBron James Should Prepare for His Next MVP Presentation

Let’s be fair and put the obvious fact out in the open right now: LeBron James has been the best basketball player on the planet for the last half-dozen or so years and that doesn’t look like a statement that’s going to be untrue in the near future.

Nevertheless, LeBron has spent the last three years devoid of the proper recognition for his dominance. There’s a definitive argument that each of the last three Most Valuable Player awards should be residing on the mantle of one of the finest players to pick up a basketball since James Naismith first introduced the world to the marvelous game.

However, I’m not one to obsess over revisionist historicism. Also, I would hate to devalue the accomplishments of Misters Durant and Curry. After all, LeBron dominated the MVP conversation for years prior and a well-deserved break to recognize some of the other contemporary greats has been immeasurably enjoyable, at least in the mind of this amateur sports enthusiast.

My question: is it time for LeBron to reclaim what is rightfully his?

The reason that now seems like such an appropriate time to evaluate the field of contenders for the MVP’s most prestigious individual award comes from the pairing of the two most recent winners of the award on the finest assemblage of talent on a single roster ever. With Kevin Durant joining Stephen Curry’s Warriors, there is an increasing likelihood that neither may truly contend for the 2016-17 Most Valuable Player distinction. After all, doesn’t pairing two of the elite talents in the league guarantee a devaluation of their accomplishments? I mean, the only reason Chris Paul has failed to grace the discussion in any meaningful manner over the last four years is 6’10” and the poster child for the new Kia Sportage.

He’s not the hero we deserve…

Elite pairings of teammates can be devastating to the individual player’s MVP aspirations, even if the players are unquestionably the class of the league. It’s a proven truth.

As a result, one of the more underrated effects of Kevin Durant’s free agency decision has been the enormous impact on the MVP race. Hence my asking: LeBron James is the MVP favorite, right?

I know, it’s way too early to be talking about the end of next season, but I blame Kevin Durant for this line of thinking.

That’s right. Stand there and think about what you’ve done.

For my money, there’s only three or four real contenders for next year’s ultimate award, and LeBron is unquestionably at the top of the list. The thing about the MVP award is that it almost always goes to a player whose team finishes with a top 5 record league wide. Unfortunately, a bunch of the premier talent in the NBA currently resides on teams that should fall well short of that threshold.

James Harden and the Rockets stand well off to the side of the elite and a little thing called “defense” is guaranteed to keep them out of the conversation. Anthony Davis and Karl-Anthony Towns are both elite talents, but they’re hampered by young, unproven squads unlikely to make the daunting leap from bottom five to legitimate contention. As mentioned previously, Chris Paul and Blake Griffin are unlikely to stand separately enough to give voters a clear Clipper candidate. And don’t get me started on DeMarcus Cousins and the Kings’ eternal swirling vortex of sadness.

Don’t pout, Boogie! Maybe this will be the year you finally get traded!

Now, how about the borderline contenders with top tier talent?

Sure, Kyle Lowry and DeMar DeRozan are excellent players on a great Raptors squad, but they’ll suffer from the top tier teammate tax (say that five times fast). Damian Lillard could certainly work his way into serious consideration, but color me skeptical regarding Portland’s chances of breaking into the class of the Warriors, Spurs, and Clippers. Carmelo Anthony could still be great, but I’m not sure his newly fragile supporting cast will actually hold up and reach their potential over a full season. Well-compensated Mike Conley and Marc Gasol are terrific players on what should be an awesome Grizzlies team, but neither have the statistical ceiling to warrant real MVP consideration. And as much as I love Jimmy Butler, I have some serious reservations about the chemistry and fit with the Dwyane Wade-era Bulls.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to say LeBron is already a lock for his fifth MVP. I’m just trying to point out the lack of real competition for the award. How about I offer some proof by highlighting the three players I think have an honest shot at the hardware?

Paul George, beyond being the new cover athlete for 2K17, is an incredible player. He’s a near lock for at least 20 points per game, and also offers great rebounding and playmaking abilities. Toss in the fact that he’s one of a handful of lockdown perimeter defenders in the league, and PG-13 has the tools necessary to assert himself among the leagues elite once-and-for-all. Plus, the Pacers are a much improved team that’s finally all-in on their pace-and-space, small-ball vision that Larry Bird seems so caught up in. Surrounded by other playmakers (Jeff Teague, Monta Ellis) and hustling, athletic big men (Thaddeus Young, Myles Turner), Paul George finally has the role players suited to highlight his talents. If everything clicks, the Pacers are a dangerous team led by a legitimate MVP contender. But George is easily the least likely of the three true competitors for the ultimate award.

“THE KLAW”

With the better team and more evolved reputation, Kawhi Leonard is not only the superior version of Paul George, but also the unquestioned leader of the San Antonio Spurs following Tim Duncan’s retirement. Hell, Kawhi was in contention for MVP last year and is still young enough (25) to project real growth. He posted the highest usage rate of his career in 2016 without sacrificing his trademark efficiency. Paired with freshly minted Spur, Pau Gasol, LaMarcus Aldridge, and Tony Parker, Kawhi has plenty of offensive talent to afford his freedom on offense while encouraging continued growth into a true number one scoring threat.

However, Kawhi’s MVP candidacy will hinge entirely upon the performance of the Spurs defense. Sure, Duncan wasn’t himself on offense, but anyone that watched the Spurs recognized their record-setting defense still owed a lot to the Big Fundamental. If Kawhi can power the Spurs defense back into all-time elite territory with a weaker frontcourt, he should easily have the potential to take home yet another piece of hardware for his mantle.

Lastly, it’s time to invoke the boom-or-bust bet that I’m confidently investing in regarding any pre-season 2017 MVP award ceremony prop-bets.

Russell. Westbrook.

On the Durant-less Thunder, Westbrook has complete control of the operation at last. Without KD, Oklahoma City doesn’t have the elite firepower to hang with the monstrosities atop the Western Conference, but Westbrook is capable of posting some ridiculous, RIDICULOUS stat-lines in his first season as the unquestioned leader. I wouldn’t bet against his ability to break the streak of MVPs needing a hugely successful team supporting their resume. More importantly, if Westbrook indeed finds himself on a team like, say, the Celtics, his MVP candidacy immediately swells to the equal of LeBron James.

Regardless, in this theoretical tie-breaker, I’m going with the top five all-time talent coming off the most impressive four game stretch of his long, wildly successful career. LeBron is maybe the only player with an actual shot of leading the league in points and assists and he’s been remarkably consistent for over a decade. Throw in the fact that the Cavaliers are the reigning NBA champions with the same cast still in place for another deep postseason run and it’s time to recognize that LeBron James is yet again the premier MVP candidate left in the NBA.

So LeBron should go ahead and prepare an MVP acceptance speech (or just reuse his last one) because it’s obvious the Association is still run by its King.

Or maybe don’t jinx it. After all, this whole article is presupposing an entire season’s worth of games and a lot can happen in a year. Hell, Curry could go for three straight and I wouldn’t be totally shocked.

Kevin Durant Doesn’t Give a Damn What Anyone Thinks – And That’s Okay

I’ve got a question to ask: where have any basketball fans developed this notion that superstar players need to stay “loyal” to their franchises?

Since Kevin Durant’s bombshell signing with the Golden State Warriors yesterday, I’ve heard plenty of hot takes questioning the disappearance of loyalty within the sport. Honestly, this take is the most played out trash in all of professional sports. Players in every sport fought for years to institute free agency in professional leagues. In the NBA, unrestricted free agency was a foreign concept until 1988. Before Tom Chambers broke the ownership slave-trade, players had no choice regarding who they worked for or where they played. You got drafted into an organization and you played there for as long as they’d have you.

Want to know why the Boston Celtics dominated the 1960s? It’s because they lucked out in the draft and literally couldn’t lose their future Hall of Famers unless they felt like trading for other stars. There was no such thing as free agency to allow a LeBron-Wade-Bosh-esque team-up.

NBA owners to their players prior to the institution of free agency

And to be quite honest, basketball is far more entertaining with free agency to hold over fans in the offseason. To be candid, I was more interested in Kevin Durant’s decision than a bunch of this year’s Eastern Conference playoff series. I mean, that’s a future Hall of Famer that gets to choose which fanbase he’s going to bless with his presence. No offense to Heat and Hornets fans, but Durant’s free agency was about a thousand times more exciting than the entirety of your first round series. Free agency is so freaking dope.

Weird that the Joker accurately sums up what I love about the NBA offseason…

But back to Kevin Durant being a total traitor for abandoning Oklahoma City.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with superstars outgrowing the franchise that drafted them. Which is going to hurt a player’s legacy more: not winning a championship or not staying with one franchise for an entire career? John Stockton stayed with the Jazz his entire career while Steve Nash chased a ring by signing with the Lakers. I’m pretty sure neither had their legacies tarnished by their decisions. How about Shaquille O’Neal leaving the Magic to sign with the Lakers in the middle of his prime? Sure ruined his legacy, didn’t it?

Kevin Durant’s situation is unique in that he just signed with one of the greatest teams ever that already had three All-Stars (including the reigning MVP) in a blatant move to chase a championship. The decision by KD guaranteed his transformation into one of the league’s premier villains. That’s fine. LeBron wasn’t well liked by the vast majority during his time in Miami; it doesn’t change the fact that he won two titles and helped cement his legacy as one of the greatest to ever play the sport. If LeBron stays in Cleveland and has just one title to this point, we’re criticizing him for his lack of playoff success. Instead, we’re criticizing his character and that’s never been a lasting criticism. We’re not judging Michael Jordan or Wilt Chamberlain for their personal lives, after all.

Look at this guy, building his likability to brace for his move to Golden State. SMH.

Will a title in Golden State hurt Kevin Durant’s legacy? Preposterous. Sure, it’s kind of a cheap pursuit of immortality, but given the same opportunity I’d play with Steph Curry and Klay Thompson in a heartbeat (if only to avoid potential testicular injury playing against Draymond Green). To put it another way, if I were offered a permanent position writing for the sports staff at the New York Times, I’m not turning it down because I want to make my own way with freelance work. I’m taking that job every damn day of the week and laughing maniacally in the process. In any other line of work outside the sports world, nobody is ever criticized for taking the best job available; instead they’re often celebrated. Why do we want to treat athletes differently?

Another point that feels worth highlighting amidst the Durant criticism: since Kevin Durant first debuted in 2007, just seven other players have remained with one organization. Only six players have currently played a decade or more in the same organization to which they were drafted. By the end of this offseason, that number could be down to just three, pending Dwyane Wade’s free agency decision and Tim Duncan’s retirement contemplation. In the modern era only Kobe, Duncan, Ginobili, and Dirk hold the distinction of playing 15+ years with just one team. It’s just a phenomenon that doesn’t occur much anymore. In fact, remove the Spurs from the equation and Wade, Dirk, and Durant’s former teammate Nick Collison are the only players that have stayed with the same organization since Durant’s rookie year. Staying with one franchise over the course of an entire career is an amazing accomplishment, but it’s rare and should be treated as such.

When you know you might be the last superstar to spend an entire career with one team

To sum up, Kevin Durant is a villain now as a result of his decision. I doubt he gives a damn. He’s a competitor that wants to win a championship and he chose the organization that gives him the best opportunity to do so. He can worry about building a dynasty next year, when he’ll inevitably be back on the market. For now, Durant should get that first championship to avoid potentially ending his career in the company of Karl Malone and Charles Barkley. Remember Kevin, you can always repair public perception; you won’t always have an opportunity to almost assuredly achieve the ultimate goal for every NBA player.

Get that ring, KD. While you’re at it, get another MVP award. Get another scoring title. Just don’t get caught up in the inevitable criticism, because nothing matters but your personal happiness and success. L’chaim!

(P.S. shut up, Stephen A. Smith)

 

What Just Happened? Grading and Analyzing Each Pick in the 2016 NBA Draft

#1 Pick, Philadelphia 76ers – Ben Simmons (PF, LSU)

Grade: A

No brainer. Needs to work on his jump shot, but he’s already an elite rebounder, an excellent passer for his size, and deadly in transition. With a little development, he could form an excellent foundation for the Sixers rebuild. He’s a good fit with any of the three big men already on Philly’s roster, but somebody is eventually going to be traded. Still, Simmons seems like an excellent building block for a team that’s been rebuilding for ages. #TrustTheProcess

#2 Pick, Los Angeles Lakers – Brandon Ingram (SF, Duke)

Grade: A+

The Lakers were always destined to pick either Simmons or Brandon Ingram. With Simmons off the board, the Lakers took the second best player in the draft and called it a night. With Kobe gone, L.A. needs a new star on the wing and Ingram could bring that to Luke Walton’s young Lakers. Paired with D’Angelo Russell, Julius Randle, and Jordan Clarkson, the Lakers should push the tempo and feed the ball to excellent isolation players in Randle and Ingram in the half-court game. Ingram may not have the tools to become an All-NBA performer, but he’s safe and should immediately bring shooting and defense to a Lakers team coming off a franchise-worst season.

#3 Pick, Boston Celtics – Jaylen Brown (SF, California)

Grade: C+

I both get and don’t get this pick. On the one hand, Jaylen Brown is clearly the best fit available for the Celtics. He’s an athletic freak that seems to be developing a more consistent jump-shot. At best, he becomes a slightly better version of current Celtics forward, Jae Crowder. On the other hand, the Celtics are full to the brim with average or slightly above-average NBA talent and Brown doesn’t figure to have much of a chance to be a true star in the League. He’s a good fit, but the Celtics should have pursued a higher-upside selection or grabbed a more coveted player to work into a potential trade for real talent.

#4 Pick, Phoenix Suns – Dragan Bender (PF, Croatia)

Grade: A-

Dragan Bender is a young, skilled big man with unknown upside. He’s got the length to play in the NBA, but his frame is on the thin side and adding bulk would go a long way to raising his ceiling. In Phoenix, he should get on-job training and could compete for major minutes in short order. He could range anywhere from Kristaps Porzingis to Darko Milicic. The Suns took a gamble to transform their frontcourt. In a guard heavy lottery, the Suns nabbed perhaps the best big not named Ben Simmons.

#5 Pick, Minnesota Timberwolves – Kris Dunn (PG, Providence)

Grade: A

Defense and playmaking. Hold on, I got this one: what are two things Tom Thibodeau looks for in his players? Ding, ding, ding! Kris Dunn is a potentially elite defender at the point guard spot and has displayed ability to be a fine playmaker at the professional level. He’s not an elite shooter, and that’s one area the Timberwolves still need to address to take another step towards relevancy. Still, Dunn offers a combo-guard that proves an immediate upgrade in the backcourt and offers a potential replacement for Ricky Rubio should a trade be imminent. Nice pick, nabbing a player that seemed to be in high demand from several other organizations.

#6 Pick, New Orleans Pelicans – Buddy Hield (SG, Oklahoma)

Grade: A-

Next to Anthony Davis, Jrue Holiday, and Tyreke Evans, Buddy Hield provides much needed three-point shooting. He’s probably not going to develop into a well-rounded star, as his primary NBA skill is just shooting (granted his shooting could make him instantly one of the best deep threats in the game). His playmaking is a work in-progress and his defense may be league average at this point. Still, the Pelicans needed a good secondary scorer to pair with the Brow and may very well have a solid number two option on their hands.

#7 Pick, Denver Nuggets – Jamal Murray (SG, Kentucky)

Grade: B-

The Nuggets don’t have any glaring holes on the roster, but shooting is something modern NBA teams can never have too much of. In this draft, Buddy Hield and Jamal Murray are easily the top three-point threats and Murray arguably offers more potential as a playmaker than Hield. He’s a solid selection, but comments after the selection seem to insist that Murray thinks of himself as a point guard, when in reality, he’s more likely to play off the ball in Denver. It may not be a problem, but I’m hesitant to say he’s got a definitively higher ceiling than his competition at the two, Gary Harris. It seems all-too-likely that Murray will turn into a sixth man for the Nuggets in a young, crowded backcourt.

#8 Pick, Phoenix Suns (Via Sacramento Kings) – Marquese Chriss (PF, Washington)

Grade: B+

Chriss is the insane athlete that always rises high on draft boards, only to theoretically “slip” on draft night. He’s a solid rebounder and can shoot the ball well from distance. On a Suns team that prioritizes shooting and pace, Chriss is theoretically a perfect fit. Paired with Bender, the Suns have taken a huge gamble on two of the more volatile young bigs in the draft. Bender has the higher ceiling of the two and will likely get priority in the early going for Phoenix. I’d like Chriss better if I knew he’d be given an equal opportunity as his fellow lottery selection. Either way, I expect him to make some highlight dunks in his NBA career.

#9 Pick, Toronto Raptors – Jakob Poeltl (C, Utah)

Grade: A

Safe pick. Not likely to be a star, but should be a quality rotational big in the NBA for a long time. Traditional back-to-the-basket scorer that battles on the boards and is acceptable on defense. Should step right in to the back-up center role in Toronto and might even chip away at Jonas Valanciunas’s playing time.

#10 Pick, Milwaukee Bucks – Thon Maker (C, Australia)

Grade: D+

This could be the steal of the draft. It could also turn into an absolute disaster. There’s questions about his age, he’s unproven against higher-level talent, and length is pretty much his calling card at this point. The Bucks are going all-in on length and are likely to move Greg Monroe an open up an opportunity for Maker to prove his worth. Nevertheless, this seems like an overly risky pick for a team that’s looking to battle back into the playoffs with an already-set core.

#11 Pick, Oklahoma City Thunder (Via Orlando Magic) – Domantas Sabonis (PF, Gonzaga)

Grade: B-

Replacing Serge Ibaka on the Thunder is going to be no easy task. Sabonis has questionable length and is likely to attribute to a mild drop-off in the Thunder’s defensive efficiency. Still, he’s a solid scorer with nice touch around the basket. He hustles, rebounds, and has the ever-popular “motor” that teams covet so heavily. Much like his frontcourt partner, Steven Adams, he should be low-maintenance and complement Russell Westbrook and Kevin Durant well. He’s should be a rotational big for a long time, but his ceiling is fairly low for a typical lottery selection.

#12 Pick, Atlanta Hawks (Via Utah Jazz) – Taurean Prince (SF, Baylor)

Grade: A

Three-and-D potential with a high motor. He’s a good defender, rebounder, and shooter that should be fine in a minimal role for the Hawks. In an ideal world, Prince turns into the DeMarre Carroll that Atlanta misses so much. More likely, he’s a slightly lesser version that hustles and makes winning plays. Not much risk, potential for a decent reward with this pick.

#13 Pick, Sacramento Kings (Via Phoenix Suns) – Georgios Papagiannis (C, Greece)

Grade: D-

WHAT? DeMarcus Cousins sure didn’t like this move. Unless Boogie is on the way out, this selection makes very little sense. Papagiannis isn’t likely to make his debut for another year or two, and while he could be a fine rotational big, this doesn’t seem like a smart selection for a team that has struggled to return to the playoffs and doesn’t face a cap crunch that would necessitate a draft-and-stash. Very tempted to change this to an “F” right now.

#14 Pick, Chicago Bulls – Denzel Valentine (SG, Michigan State)

Grade: B

Questions about his knees aside, Denzel Valentine is a fine player. He’s a good shooter, playmaker, and rebounder for his size. He’s versatile on defense and could pair nicely as a facilitator of sorts in Chicago. Solid role player.

#15 Pick, Denver Nuggets – Juan Hernangomez (PF, Spain)

Grade: C+

If this were a clear draft-and-stash I would applaud the Nuggets for this selection. As is, it appears Hernangomez expects to play in the NBA next year, on a team with no space for him and bringing a skill set that is fairly redundant on the current Nuggets roster. He could be a decent stretch-four off the bench, but he’d be best accepting a stash overseas for another year of development rather than burying himself on the Denver bench.

#16 Pick, Boston Celtics – Guerschon Yabusele (PF, France)

Grade: D+

A draft-and-stash always made sense if the Celtics kept the 16th pick. Still, Yabusele was clearly not the most enticing international prospect. He’s not remarkably young and his best comparison is that of a lesser Draymond Green. Considering Draymond Green is a highly unlikely standard to set, Yabusele might have trouble defining a role when he finally makes his NBA debut. This would be a fine selection at 46th. At 16th, it’s a massive, unnecessary reach.

#17 Pick, Memphis Grizzlies – Wade Baldwin IV (PG, Vanderbilt)

Grade: A-

If Mike Conley leaves in free agency, the Grizzlies have a competent point guard to turn to; if not, he’s prepared to be a good backup for a long time. He’s athletic, a decent shooter, and a good defender. He also possesses the size and skills to play off the ball in two-playmaker lineups. He’s also a fairly local product, so that’s nice too. Memphis made a very smart move here.

#18 Pick, Detroit Pistons – Henry Ellenson (PF, Marquette)

Grade: A

Good young shooter and rebounder. Likely should have went higher in the draft. Not a terribly high ceiling, but offers enough value to be a rotation big in the NBA. The Pistons did well to get a younger version of Donatas Motiejunas in the draft. Should slot in well as a backup center and offer twin tower potential with Andre Drummond.

#19 Pick, Denver Nuggets – Malik Beasley (SG, Florida State)

Grade: B

Should be a good shooter, combo-guard spark off the bench in Denver. Think DJ Augustin, another guard on the 2015 Nuggets. Could be a great bench scorer for years to come. Still, the Nuggets are crowded in the backcourt and it’s likely Beasley will struggle to find playing time out of the gate.

#20 Pick, Brooklyn Nets (Via Indiana Pacers) – Caris LeVert (SG, Michigan)

Grade: C+

The ultimate risk-reward. LeVert has been a lottery-level talent for years. He’s also been constantly injured and carries a bunch of medical red flags. If he’s healthy, the Nets could have a true, well-rounded star to build around in the backcourt. If not, this pick looks like an unnecessary risk and a waste of future assets to climb into the back-end of a draft lacking in star potential.

#21 Pick, Atlanta Hawks – DeAndre’ Bembry (SG, St. Joseph’s)

Grade: B+

Not a great shooter, but he’s got a good feel for the game. Solid defender at both wing spots, good playmaker, and best hair in the draft. Should be a terrific fit on the Atlanta bench.

#22 Pick, Sacramento Kings (Via Charlotte Hornets) – Malachi Richardson (SG, Syracuse)

Grade: D+

Great athlete, good shooter, and not much else. On a Sacramento team that has failed again and again to provide opportunities for Ben McLemore to grow, it’s doubtful that Richardson is given a fair shake for the Kings. Also, he’s fairly one-dimensional and there seems to be much better options for Sacramento in this part of the draft. But hey, his tournament was pretty awesome!

#23 Pick, Boston Celtics – Ante Zizic (C, Croatia)

Grade: A

Zizic would’ve made a good stash for the Celtics at pick #16. He’s got lottery-level potential as a high-motor big man in a couple of years. Honestly, I don’t understand why the Celtics didn’t take Zizic earlier and pass on Yabusele. Either way, a great stash that could pay off nicely in the near-future.

#24 Pick, Philadelphia 76ers – Timothe Luwawu (SF, France)

Grade: A+

For most teams, Luwawu would be a clear stash and would still be a great selection. He’s got ridiculous athleticism, is rapidly improving as a shooter, and offers enough room to grow into a great NBA wing. Throw in that he’s going to arrive in Philadelphia for a team starved of talent on the wings, and Philadelphia offers a great opportunity for the French star to develop his game against premier talent. He’s a highlight reel play waiting to happen and I’m excited that he’s destined for a sizable role right off the bat.

#25 Pick, Los Angeles Clippers – Brice Johnson (PF, North Carolina)

Grade: A

Amazing touch and a high release point on his shot that should translate into NBA success. He’s also got tremendous athleticism to make up for some of his defensive lapses. For a Clippers team that has traditionally struggled to find frontcourt depth, Johnson seems to be a low-risk pick that fills an immediate need for Los Angeles.

#26 Pick, Philadelphia 76ers – Furkan Korkmaz (SG, Turkey)

Grade: A-

I had this pick rated as a slam dunk “A+” when I thought Korkmaz would immediately make the transition to the NBA. Instead, it looks like he’ll spend another year overseas developing. He’s athletic, a great shooter, and offers potential as a playmaker. I had him ranked as a borderline lottery talent coming into the draft. Philadelphia got extremely lucky with this selection, even if Sixers fans will have to wait a year to reap the reward.

#27 Pick, Toronto Raptors – Pascal Siakam (PF, New Mexico State)

Grade: C+

Another frontcourt depth move for the Raptors. He’s a good scorer with a decent midrange game and solid rebounding skills. Still, he’s got a low-ceiling in a part of the draft where many higher-upside bigs were still available. Not a bad pick, but not outstanding either.

#28 Pick, Sacramento Kings (Via Phoenix Suns) – Skal Labissiere (C, Kentucky)

Grade: B

Tremendous potential that’s likely to be buried on the Kings’ depth chart behind DeMarcus Cousins and Willie Cauley-Stein. If opportunity opens up, Labissiere still has the size and skill set that made him a top recruit less than a year ago. I’d love him on almost any other team; on the Kings, he seems like another great prospect destined to be buried on the depth chart.

#29 Pick, San Antonio Spurs – Dejounte Murray (SG, Washington)

Grade: A-

Tremendous athlete, size to play off the ball, skills to handle point guard duties, and he’s a Spur. The rich continue to get richer. His ceiling is that of Manu Ginobili. Who cares about his floor? After all, he’ll have to truly impress to crack the Spurs rotation should Ginobili himself return to San Antonio.

#30 Pick, Golden State Warriors – Damian Jones (C, Vanderbilt)

Grade: A+

Replacing the inevitable departure of Festus Ezeli should be top priority for Golden State. Damian Jones offers an immediate option to soak up back-up center minutes. He’s a good rebounder, defender, and scorer around the basket. He’s a little undersized for the position, but that seems like a perfect fit for a Warriors team that loves to go small. He’s also a college junior who shouldn’t require further development. Slam dunk selection.

#31 Pick, Memphis Grizzlies (Via Boston Celtics) – Deyonta Davis (PF, Michigan State)

Grade: A+

Young, raw, terrific defensive tools. Should step into a decent role in Memphis off the bat and offer a potential replacement for Zach Randolph down the road. It’s very rare to get a Green Room guy in the second round. Memphis made a smart trade to select Davis.

#32 Pick, Los Angeles Lakers – Ivica Zubac (C, Croatia)

Grade: B

Roy Hibbert, Tarik Black, and Robert Sacre. That’s the bar Ivica Zubac, the Croatian beast, needs to clear to be worth the price for the Lakers. He’s big, strong, and a good rebounder. He should have no trouble finding minutes in L.A. next season.

#33 Pick, New Orleans Pelicans (Via Los Angeles Clippers) – Cheick Diallo (PF, Kansas)

Grade: A-

Only 6’9″, but he’s got an incredible wingspan that could afford him minutes next to Anthony Davis in his rookie year. Raw, but offers rebounding and defensive chops to survive the Pelicans’ frontcourt rotation next season.

#34 Pick, Phoenix Suns – Tyler Ulis (PG, Kentucky)

Grade: B-

Undersized and going to a team loaded at the point guard position. The opportunity isn’t there, but he’s talented, scrappy, and a solid facilitator that has an outside shot to transform into an Isaiah Thomas-like success.

#35 Pick, Memphis Grizzlies (Via Boston Celtics) – Rade Zagorac (SF, Serbia)

Grade: C+

Draft-and-stash wing that isn’t likely to play in the NBA at any point. Athletic, but raw and devoid of a clear NBA-level skill.

#36 Pick, Milwaukee Bucks – Malcolm Brogdon (SG, Virginia)

Grade: A

Good defender, shooter, and playmaker that could do well learning the NBA ropes from his prototype, best-case-scenario, Khris Middleton. Either way, he’s a smart player that should find minutes off the bench for the Bucks in his rookie season.

#37 Pick, Houston Rockets – Chinanu Onuaku (C, Louisville)

Grade: D

Great defensive talent, but extremely raw on the offensive end. With guys like Montrezl Harrell and Clint Capela on the roster, Onuaku doesn’t make a terrific amount of sense for the Rockets. Probably just a D-League player initially.

#38 Pick, Golden State Warriors (Via Milwaukee Bucks) – Pat McCaw (SG, UNLV)

Grade: A-

Good athlete with a well-rounded game. Man, a bunch of the players in this draft could fit that exact description. This is just a really unexciting draft. Either way, the Warriors get good wing depth here. Another guy who could wind up in the D-League his entire rookie season.

#39 Pick, Los Angeles Clippers (Via New Orleans Pelicans) – David Michineau (PG, France)

Grade: C-

Athletic point guard that doesn’t shoot particularly well. Clear stash that isn’t likely to make an NBA impact at any point. Then again, maybe the Clippers get desperate if Chris Paul departs in free agency. You never know.

#40 Pick, Los Angeles Clippers (Via New Orleans Pelicans) – Diamond Stone (C, Maryland)

Grade: B

More frontcourt depth for the Clippers. Undersized and not terrifically exciting, but he’s an excellent rebounder and decent low-post scorer with a developing midrange game. Could carve out a decent bench role right off the bat.

#41 Pick, Orlando Magic – Stephen Zimmerman (C, UNLV)

Grade: A-

Bouncy young center that’s a good rebounder, defender, and finisher around the rim. Basically, a perfect backup for Nikola Vucevic on the Magic.

#42 Pick, Brooklyn Nets (Via Utah Jazz) – Isaiah Whitehead (SG, Seton Hall)

Grade: A-

Hometown kid who scores the ball. The Nets need guards that can score. Brooklyn isn’t going anywhere fast, so this is a good selection if only because he might bring some excitement to the fanbase.

#43 Pick, Houston Rockets – Zhou Qi (C, China)

Grade: A

Oh look, a Chinese center drafted by the Rockets. It’s Yao Ming all over again. Except, Zhou Qi is less polished and unlikely to make his NBA debut for at least another year, more than likely two. Nevertheless, he’s an excellent rebounder and shot-blocker with decent hands. Probably a better stash than at least two or three international players taken earlier.

#44 Pick, Atlanta Hawks – Isaia Cordinier (SF, France)

Grade: B

Another stash for the Hawks. Decent player that could develop the tools to make it in the NBA. If not, I doubt the Hawks will lose any sleep.

#45 Pick, Boston Celtics – Demetrius Jackson (PG, Notre Dame)

Grade: A-

No, the Celtics DO NOT need any more point guards. As is, Jackson doesn’t look like a great bet to even crack the Celtics roster out of training camp. However, he’s a tremendous athlete and great defender. Jackson could have easily been a borderline lottery pick. Even though he doesn’t have any path for playing time in Boston, he’s still incredible value this late in the draft.

#46 Pick, Dallas Mavericks – A.J. Hammonds (C, Purdue)

Grade: A+

Great size, terrific rebounder, and polished low-post presence. Older prospect that doesn’t offer much upside, but as is, Hammonds should still be a quality backup center with the potential to run away with a sizable role on a Mavericks team lacking consistency from their bench bigs.

#47 Pick, Portland Trail Blazers (Via Orlando Magic) – Jake Layman (PF, Maryland)

Grade: C

Passive at times, but a good shooter with decent enough athleticism. Could carve out a niche role in Portland, but not likely to be anything special.

#48 Pick, Chicago Bulls – Paul Zipser (SF, Germany)

Grade: C+

Athlete, raw, etc. Nice stash that could wind up on the Bulls roster in a couple years. Or not. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

#49 Pick, Detroit Pistons – Michael Gbinije (SF, Syracuse)

Grade: A

Good shooter, offers solid playmaking on the wing, and provides consistency that is much needed on the Detroit bench. He’s also low-maintenance, which Coach Van Gundy loves in his players. He’ll have a decent-sized role if he continues to hone his craft.

#50 Pick, Indiana Pacers – Georges Niang (SF, Iowa State)

Grade: C+

Not a terrific athlete, defender, or rebounder. Makes his money off shooting well from distance and posting up smaller players. In Indiana, finding a role for Niang might be difficult, even if Larry Bird loves the guy. Best case scenario: he finds a way to thrive in a niche role like Doug McDermott in Chicago. Another great college player that lacks a true NBA skill.

#51 Pick, Boston Celtics – Ben Bentil (PF, Providence)

Grade: A-

Great scorer that shoots well from the power forward position. He doesn’t have overwhelming size, but his polished offensive game might allow for a deep bench spot on an NBA roster at some point. In his rookie year, however, he’s likely to just be a D-League standout.

#52 Pick, Utah Jazz – Joel Bolomboy (PF, Weber State)

Grade: B-

Athletic big with tremendous length. Not terrific at any one aspect of the game, but his overall skill set is fairly useful in a limited capacity at the NBA. Not exciting, but not risky either.

#53 Pick, Denver Nuggets – Petr Cornelia (PF, France)

Grade: B+

Good shooter. Cerebral player. Nice stash. Not much else to say, I guess.

#54 Pick, Cleveland Cavaliers (Via Atlanta Hawks) – Kay Felder (PG, Oakland)

Grade: A

Dellavedova is very likely gone in Cleveland. Mo Williams can be a serviceable backup point guard for the Cavs and the team could still sign another backup for Kyrie. Kay Felder is undersized, but he’s a good shooter and solid playmaker. Maybe he can try to place Delly (an unenviable task, but someone will have to try).

#55 Pick, Utah Jazz (Via Brooklyn Nets) – Marcus Paige (PG, North Carolina)

Grade: B-

Good shooter, playmaker, and experienced guard. The Jazz are suddenly crowded in the backcourt, so it’s tough to envision Paige cracking the rotation in Utah. Still, he’s a nice player with veteran instincts and good-enough athleticism. He might be good enough to replace Trey Burke, if given the opportunity.

#56 Pick, Oklahoma City Thunder (Via Denver Nuggets) – Daniel Hamilton (SF, UConn)

Grade: C

Not likely to make an impact. Weird shot mechanics and a still-raw skill set. Probably should have went back to UConn, but who am I to judge?

#57 Pick, Memphis Grizzlies – Wang Zhelin (C, China)

Grade: C-

Stash. Not likely to play in the NBA. That’s all anyone really needs to know.

#58 Pick, Boston Celtics – Abdel Nader (SG, Iowa State)

Grade: D

Even this late in the draft, the Celtics made a reach. Nader is a decent shooter, but he’s fairly one dimensional. Not likely to be anything more than Summer League fodder.

#59 Pick, Sacramento Kings – Isaiah Cousins (PG, Oklahoma)

Grade: A-

Streaky shooter and average playmaker. Still, he’s got grit and hits big shots. Plus, his range is easily good enough to survive in the NBA. If the Kings fail to sign a good point guard in free agent, he could actually find his way onto the roster. That’s pretty good for the 59th pick.

#60 Pick, Utah Jazz – Tyrone Wallace (PG, California)

Grade: B-

Older player, but a solid all-around point guard. Can score, rebound, and create for others. Also, probably never going to play in the NBA. So it goes, in the second round of a down draft.

From a quick, premature analysis, this year’s draft is light on players with star-potential and loaded with athletic guys that could be rotation players in the NBA. It’s not terribly exciting, but there’s still a lot to like, even in a bad draft. Unless you’re a Celtics fan that found the entire draft incredibly underwhelming (oops, that might’ve been me talking).

 

An Exercise in Futility: Picking Cleveland’s Replacement for the “Saddest Sports City” Title

LeBron James just cemented himself as one of the premier basketball talents in the history of the game. He should have been already, but the last three games of the 2016 Finals are definitive proof that no player has ever mixed athleticism, basketball IQ, and a variety of skills in the same way that LeBron has. Even if his team accomplishments haven’t yet garnered comparison to Michael Jordan (which shouldn’t matter, but so it goes), the King is clearly on par with Bird and Magic at this point in his career. He’s also probably got another five to ten years in the league to surpass them. Watching LeBron is incredible.

More importantly, LeBron James and the Cavaliers just delivered the city of Cleveland, Ohio its first professional sports championship since the 1964 Browns won the NFL Championship (note: the Super Bowl didn’t come around until 1966). The Cavaliers snapped a 52-year title drought in Northern Ohio, officially relieving the malaise that has plagued Cleveland sports.

With the championship drought in Cleveland at an end, a new city must now assume the responsibility that comes with bearing the major professional sports title drought. Bags on heads, constant bemoaning of front offices, expecting every new addition to be a bust, we’re talking about the whole nine yards here. Cleveland set the bar pretty high when it comes to wallowing in futility.

However, an obvious city doesn’t truly come to mind. Milwaukee is currently owners of the longest drought, but the majority of the city is dominated by Green Bay Packers fans, thus alleviating the pain of watching the Brewers and Bucks. There’s certainly a case to be made for Charlotte, but the Carolina Hurricanes won the Stanley Cup in 2006 and bear close enough proximity to the city to disqualify their contention. Despite being owners of three helpless professional sports teams and the most dissatisfied fanbase in North America, Philadelphia can still hang it’s hat on the 2008 Phillies World Series.

While finding a city to assume Cleveland’s mantle as “saddest sports city” is difficult, there are a select few that make compelling cases.

Nothing quite screams dissatisfaction in your team like a good ole bag on the head

First, let’s start in Canada, where Toronto is currently suffering at the hands of a major sports league title drought that stretches all the way back to 1993. The Raptors get somewhat of a pass; they’ve only been in existence since 1995, after all. Sure, they’ve been mostly listless in their existence, but 21 years isn’t an excruciatingly long wait for a team’s first NBA championship. The Blue Jays, despite being the last franchise to win a professional title in the city, have been hopeless for most of their 23-year drought, with last year’s playoff appearance representing the first since the ’93 World Series. Most importantly, in a hockey-dominated city, Toronto fans have had to go without so much as a Stanley Cup appearance in 48 years. The Maple Leafs, alongside the St. Louis Blues, are currently owners of the longest Stanley Cup drought of any NHL team and just started another rebuild. Toronto fans have every right to be anxious for their next professional championship.

Yet, Toronto does not have what it takes to assume Cleveland’s old mantle. Houston and Atlanta both pose compelling arguments, with neither city celebrating a professional sports title since 1995. While a shorter drought than Toronto, they have both dealt with closer brushes to success than their northern counterpart.

Houston has marched out a mostly competitive Rockets team since their last championship, while Atlanta has watched the Braves flirt with periodic playoff appearances in recent years. Still, both cities are home to a few incredibly long droughts. The Atlanta Hawks haven’t won a NBA championship since moving to the city in 1968, while the Falcons likewise haven’t won a Super Bowl in their existence, stretching back to 1966. Meanwhile, the Houston Astros currently sit just behind the Indians and Cubs for the third longest World Series drought in major league baseball, having failed to win it all for the entirety of their 54-year existence. Houston and Atlanta both have compelling cases for assuming the title of the “most troubled professional sports city in North America.”

However, both cities don’t hold a candle to San Diego when it comes to current droughts. San Diego may technically only have two major professional sports teams (and the Chargers may be on their way out), but for these purposes I’m going to count the Los Angeles Clippers towards San Diego as well, because I’m sure there are many older Clippers fans still hanging tight in San Diego after the 1984 move. Either way, the city has been without a professional sports title since 1963, when the Chargers won the NFL Championship. The Padres have existed since 1969 without a World Series to their name. And the Clippers moved to San Diego in 1978 and since then have been without a title, adding to the pain of San Diego-ites(?).

If the public is ready to apply the Cleveland’s curse to San Diego, that’s perfectly acceptable. I’d like to make the case for two other cities, though.

Washington, D.C. and Minneapolis/St. Paul are two of just thirteen North American cities that play host to a team for all four major professional sports leagues on the continent. Of those thirteen cities, the Twin Cities and the U.S. Capital are tied for the longest drought without a title from any of their four respective franchises. 1991 was the last time either city celebrated a professional championship, when the Redskins won the Super Bowl and the Twins triumphed in the World Series.

To be fair, both cities are relatively new hosts to one of the professional sports leagues. The Nationals have only existed in Washington since 2005, while the Wild came into the NHL in 2001. Neither of those droughts are particularly painful. It’s the other three teams that are the source of ire for Washington and Minnesota sports fans.

Let’s break down Minnesota first. Sports in the Twin Cities have been extremely lackluster. The Minnesota Timberwolves, an NBA expansion team in 1989, have advanced to the Conference Finals just once and have never made an appearance in the NBA Finals. In that time, they’ve witnessed their two biggest stars, Kevin Garnett and Kevin Love, both be traded away to win championships with other organizations. Despite an eight year playoff run behind Garnett, the Timberwolves have spent the other 20 years of their existence in a perpetual rebuild. Karl-Anthony Towns and Andrew Wiggins currently offer the promise of better days in Minnesota, but T-Wolves fans have already played witness to incredible talents failing to win before and probably shouldn’t get overly anxious, despite their talented core.

Timberwolves fans will have a hard time forgetting this mistake

Beyond the Timberwolves, Minneapolis and St. Paul have long supported the Twins, proprietors of the last title parade in Minnesota. Since relocating to the Land of Lakes in 1961, the Twins have won two World Series titles for the state of Minnesota. Sadly, since their last World Series, the Twins have made the playoffs just six times, with their last appearance occurring in 2010. While flirting with relevancy, the Twins have struggled to find a franchise cornerstone over much of the last 20+ years and have spent much of the 21st century wondering what might have been if management had kept David Ortiz.

Lastly, the Minnesota Vikings are yet another football franchise that hasn’t won in the Super Bowl era. However, in that time the Vikings have made 28 playoff appearances and played in four different Super Bowls. They’re simply a team that hasn’t been able to take the next step in the postseason, despite a variety of stars gracing the team, including Adrian Peterson and a retired Brett Favre. By all accounts, Minnesota sports have been rather listless for the better part of two and a half decades, while rarely carrying teams that even mustered legitimate title hope.

Minnesota fans probably won’t forget their latest playoff meltdown very soon

And yet, by the narrowest of margins, Washington, D.C. takes Cleveland’s mantle for the saddest sports city in North America. Sure, D.C. United has dominated the MLS in recent years, but soccer is still not considered a major North American sport in the eyes of the vast majority (though United actually drew slightly better crowds than the Wizards over the last year). Even with the recent rise of the MLS, the major four sports leagues still dominate bar conversations. And in these major sports, it’s been awhile since a Washington team has given our Congressmen reason to celebrate.

To start, the Washington Capitals, since their founding in 1974, have appeared in the Stanley Cup Finals once, while making the playoffs sporadically. Even in recent years, fronted by the premier goal scorer of the 21st century, the Caps have struggled in the postseason, including a letdown this year after winning the Presidents’ Trophy for the second time in franchise history. Alex Ovechkin and the Capitals figure to be in the thick of the Stanley Cup chase again next year, but until they actually make a postseason run, Washington fans will be stuck waiting for their first hockey championship.

“I feel the pain of everything, then I feel nothing…”

The second longest championship drought in Washington, stretching back to 1978, belongs to the Washington Bullets/Wizards. Since the days of Wes Unseld, the Wizards have been a mighty random mess. Throughout the eighties they were unable to field consistent teams and never challenged the Celtics and Lakers for NBA supremacy. After shipping out Moses Malone and rebuilding, the Wizards struggled to find a new franchise cornerstone throughout the ’90s and consistently missed the playoffs for the better part of a decade (through that Chris Webber run was alright). Through Michael Jordan’s post-retirement victory lap, Gilbert Arenas’s rise and, um, decline, to a new era with John Wall at the helm, the Wizards have consistently flirted with mediocrity and seem ill-equipped at present to change the status quo in the short-term.

The coup de gras in Washington, however, is their football team. Winning three Super Bowls in franchise history, the last coming 25 years ago, the Washington football team has been mired in the cellar of the NFC for most of the 21st century. Making the playoffs just six times in the last 25 years, while winning the NFC East three times and dealing with constant controversy, Washington has been on par with their division rivals, the Eagles, in terms of futility. Washington football, over their entire history, has actually been one of the more storied franchises in the NFL, but they have struggled recently and do not seem poised to alleviate the title drought in D.C.

It’s almost like Dan Synder’s team has been cursed…

In actuality, no city is currently suffering in their professional sports aspirations the way Cleveland had before last night. However, as we’re a narrative driven culture that thrives on classifying others, Washington, D.C. seems like a logical heir to the title of “Saddest Sports City.” Nevertheless, the Capitals are still dangerous, the Nationals could very well win a World Series this year, and the Wizards might have a chance to bring Kevin Durant back to his hometown (not saying it’s a good chance, though). The Washington football team is also coming off a playoff berth and Kirk Cousins put it best with his immortal quote:

Championships will come Washington sports fans. You need only have patience and faith.

“Best Team Ever?” I’ll Be the Judge of That! (Part Four)

Two teams enter. One team will leave victorious. It all comes down to this.

High drama aside, I know what the public wants. I’m all about appeasing to the majority. And all season, everyone has been dying to know whether the 2016 Warriors could defeat the 1996 Bulls in a seven game series.

Well, ask and you shall receive!

Oh, you didn’t ask? I’m sorry, but since you’re already here, might as well enjoy the ride, right? I promise it either will or won’t be worth it.

(P.S. for anyone looking for a completely unnecessary, yet hopefully fun expansion on this, here’s parts one, two, and three. Viewer discretion highly recommended.)

So how did we get here? Big picture it doesn’t matter, but I’m all about consistency, so here’s a look at the “Best Team Ever” Playoff Bracket:

Wow! Look at those great fake matchups! What an incredible assemblage of basketball glory! You should check out my recap of these phantasmagoric showdowns (Enough of the self-promotion, Geoffrey. Stay humble).

It’s incredible the amount of sheer greatness that has already tumbled before the likes of Michael Jordan and Draymond Green. Hall of Famers. Dynasties. Gregg Popovich. The carnage. The bloodshed. The Joffrey Baratheon-like butchering of my favorite team, the ’86 Celtics. The Warriors and Bulls have been bombarded with haymakers and military-grade weaponry (LeBron), and through it all they’ve survived to challenge one another for the right to once-and-for-all don the crown that comes from unequivocally being the best basketball team ever assembled.

Think about Captain America vs. Iron Man. Take Batman vs. Superman into consideration. Examine Ron Swanson vs. Leslie Knope in Season Seven of Parks and Recreation. All great showdowns of immovable objects against unstoppable forces. All pale in comparison to the Jordan-Curry battle about to take place.

BTW, I’m not a big fan of profanity. But this is just too damn perfect.

That seems like the appropriate blathering and hyping of this series. So without further adieu…

#1 2016 Golden State Warriors vs. #1 1996 Chicago Bulls

Twenty years separate these two squads. Twenty years to cause a generational gap. Twenty years to shift from a low-post and midrange NBA to a pace-and-space dominant league. Twenty years for Michael Jordan to transform from the most prominent athlete on the planet to an internet meme used to berate losers. What a difference twenty years can make.

Oh, how the mighty have had their legacy tarnished. MJ don’t deserve this.

And yet, basketball is still fundamentally the same sport. You put the orange ball into the round metal hoop more times than your opponent. That’s it.

Which team is equipped to repeat this action more times than the other?

Well, the 2016 Warriors make more three point field goals per game than any team in NBA history. But Michael Jordan leads the NBA in points per game over an entire career. Both teams are going to score the ball. This is about which team is best equipped to slow down the other.

If Pippen can do this to the Warriors, I like the Bulls’ chances

Remember the Warriors’ highly-documented struggles against teams with above-average length? The ’96 Bulls have a fair bit of length on their roster.

Ron Harper is 6’6″. Stephen Curry is 6’3″.

MJ is 6’6″. Klay Thompson is 6’7″.

Scottie Pippen is 6’8″. Harrison Barnes is 6’8″.

Dennis Rodman is 6’7″. Draymond Green is 6’7″.

Luc Longley is 7’2″. Andrew Bogut is 7’0″.

Toni Kukoc is 6’10”. Andre Iguodala is 6’6″.

I could go on, but based on heights alone, it’s clear the Bulls match up extremely well with the Warriors. They’ve absolutely got the necessary length to stay with the Dubs defensively. Phil Jackson’s Bulls are even flexible enough to have Pippen check Klay and let Jordan have an easier defensive assignment. Jordan would revel in the challenge of potentially guarding Steph, but his energy is best spent on the offensive end in this series.

Man, this would be hella dope, though. Did I just write the words “hella dope”?

I could break down the individual match-ups, but that seems a little played out at this point. I could break down the specific play-sequences important within each game, but I’ve done that to death through the course of this series. Instead, I want to focus entirely on the big moments of each game. The SportsCenter moments. The sports-bloggers talking points. The postgame interviews. The injuries, technicals, and flagrant fouls. Basically, everything that molds the narrative outside of the game itself. Let’s go!

After Golden State’s victory in Game 1, the narrative focuses squarely on the GOAT. More importantly, the lackluster performance from the game’s best player of all time. Held to just 14 points on 4-20 shooting while being called for his third foul three minutes into the second quarter, Michael Jordan holds no punches in the post-game. Criticizing the officials for favoring the Dubs and calling out Golden State for their “illegal” screens, Jordan’s comments are enough to warrant a $15K fine from the league office.

Meanwhile, SportsCenter and the media are raving over Harrison Barnes, who dominated the game in the “Death Lineup” from the Warriors. Scoring 20 points on 4-6 three point shooting and an array of cuts and two-dribble pull-ups, Barnes lead the Warriors’ team-first approach in a game where six Golden State players reached double-digits. Lauding the versatility and outstanding attack from beyond the arc, the analysts have trouble identifying the needed adjustments for the Bulls.

Luckily, Phil Jackson and His Airness seem to know the appropriate adjustment.

Turns out, it’s simply staying out of foul trouble by hiding Jordan on Barnes and Iguodala defensively. Setting up an alley-oop on par with the Kyrie to LeBron throw-down in the 2016 Finals, Jordan’s lob to Pippen is the highlight of his 33 point bounce-back.

Think this, but with a dunk instead. You just had to be there.

With the only point guard that can legitimately withstand a Shaun Livingston post-up checking the unanimous MVP, the media turns the pressure onto Stephen Curry, who had been held to 18 and 16 points over the first two games and now would be forced to travel to Chicago and steal a game. Adding on to the severity of the Warriors’ situation, Draymond Green is suspended for Game 3 after being assessed a flagrant during a postgame review of a questionable blow to Toni Kukoc’s beautiful Croatian head.

Leaving the United Center up 2-1, the Bulls put on a dominant performance causing sports-bloggers to prematurely declare the series decided. After a twenty-seven point blowout where the opposing team’s best player was again held to just 19 points, I’d probably have a knee-jerk reaction and buy into the Bulls as the Best Team Ever too. Yet, the apologists rightly point to the absence of Draymond Green as hugely impactful, most importantly to the defensive versatility of Golden State. I mean, how is a team supposed to win when they’re forced to roll out a power forward that can’t actually guard the opposing point guard?

Game 4, however, proves one thing: most people act like they forgot about Klay.

Despite averaging 24 points on 50% shooting over the first three games, everyone had seemingly ignored Thompson’s performances, instead highlighting the struggles of Curry, Green suspension, and Michael Jordan’s unparalleled scoring. Yet a 42 point game reminds the world that Klay Thompson is more than just Curry’s sidekick; he’s also an all-NBA talent on both ends of the floor. Plus, Draymond’s return gets a little side-note love, after posting a double-double in his return while only scoring five points. Yep, double digit assists and rebounds. He’s just an absolute game-changer who’s antics overshadow the fact that he’s probably Golden State’s most important player.

Game 5 finally brings the long-awaited MVP-MVP back-and-forth NBA fans had been waiting for. Scoring thirty-six points on eight threes, Curry turns in his first game above twenty of the entire series, while Jordan responds with his highest scoring game by putting up forty-four. Yet it’s Steve Kerr’s go-ahead three pointer with 3.1 seconds left that defines Game 5 and puts the Bulls on the brink of ultimate glory. In a weird twist, Steve Kerr blames his own game-winner on a defensive breakdown where Kerr had failed to account for himself on the other team when setting up the Warriors’ defense on the final possession. It’s a pretty weird postgame interview that gets confusing really quickly, with Kerr constantly referring to himself in the third person. Geoffrey hates when people refer to themselves in the third person.

Alas, the Warriors prevent Jordan’s Bulls from taking the crown in Game 6. Nailing 16 threes as a team, including Draymond Green’s game winner in overtime, the Warriors hang on to force a seventh game. Also, Rodman’s ejection following a hard foul on a Curry drive in the third quarter shapes the narrative in two ways: on the one hand, Bulls faithful are forced to wait and see if the league (hey, that’s me!) decides to suspend Rodman for the flagrant 2; on the other hand, Warriors fans are forced sweat out the two days before game seven after learning Curry suffered a grade 1 ankle sprain on the play.

Hello Darkness, my old friend

I’m all for having a complete Game 7, though. Rodman avoids suspension, Curry declares himself healthy the day before the game, and Jordan’s Bulls square off against the Splash Brothers & Co. for a winner-take-all championship game.

Is it lame if I end it here because I really don’t want to have to declare a winner? It is? Okay…

Jordan’s Bulls win behind forty points from the GOAT and twenty-three more from Pippen. Rodman hauls in fifteen boards, Kukoc scores eighteen off the bench, and Phil Jackson adds another ring (does the winner get a ring in this tournament? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯) to his already-overfull fingers.

Rings on rings, yo

Don’t get me wrong, the Warriors don’t lose this game. Curry scores thirty. Klay pours in twenty-six. Draymond posts ten points, nine assists, and eleven rebounds. Livingston, Iguodala, and Barbosa combine for twenty-seven off the Warriors’ bench. The Warriors play their best game and simply lose to the GOAT. No shame in that.

To make it official: the 1996 Chicago Bulls are the “Best Team Ever” playoff champions! Can’t wait to do this again next year when the Tim Duncan comes back and the Spurs rattle off 74 regular season wins!

*Curtain closes*

“Best Team Ever?” I’ll Be the Judge of That! (Part Three)

The semi-finals have arrived! Only the four greatest teams of all-time remain! This is what we’ve been waiting for!

(For anyone in need of a refresher with what’s going on, here’s part one and two of this series)

Let’s take another look at the bracket before delving into two of the greatest faux NBA playoff series in non-history.

As you can see only the truly great remain. Every other team that failed to make it this far is clearly trash. LeBron’s 2013 Heat: Trash. Magic’s Showtime Lakers: Trash. Bill Russell’s 1960 Celtics: dynastic trash. And you know what? By the end of this article, two more teams will become garbage as well. We only tolerate winners, okay?

Without further pomp and circumstance, let’s get the “Best Team Ever” playoff semifinals started!

(Also, I’ve decided Pitbull’s “Time of Our Lives” is now the official song of these playoffs, because this article just isn’t satirizing the NBA enough for my taste)

#1 2016 Golden State Warriors vs. #3 1986 Boston Celtics

The Warriors style is already one-of-a-kind.

Sure, small-ball is a concept that’s been around for a while and other teams have relied on the three pointer. But none have taken it to the extreme that Steve Kerr’s Warriors have.

Draymond Green routinely plays center for Christ’s sake. In Game 4 against the Cavaliers on Friday, the Warriors became the first team to win a Finals game while making more shots beyond the arc than inside. They’re truly a unique occurrence in NBA history and one that other teams shouldn’t attempt to duplicate.

The power of spacing

All that taken into consideration, the 1986 Celtics probably have the best frontcourt in NBA history and the combination of size and skill would be something the ’16 Warriors haven’t encountered this year. I’ve raved a fair amount already about the McHale-Parish-Walton Triple Towers in the first two rounds, but it’s only because they are absolutely deserving.

Between two incredibly talented, insanely different teams, it’s easy to point out some clear mismatches. For instance…

Stephen Curry is going to make Dennis Johnson look foolish on numerous occasions. The handle and quickness alone would be enough to give Curry the advantage. Add in his status as the greatest shooter in NBA history and Johnson’s merely average defense and this spells a mismatch the Celtics are going to have trouble compensating for in other areas.

Unfortunately, the Celtics aren’t going to make up any ground in the matchup against the “other” Splash Brother. Danny Ainge is an acceptable three point shooter (and better general manager) that would provide a semblance of spacing in a modern day offense. That said, Ainge’s preferred role in this matchup would be nothing more than a spot-up shooter. To put it in perspective, I would prefer J.R. Smith to Danny Ainge in this situation. No reasonable person watching this year’s Finals would say J.R. is a better two guard than Klay Thompson. If the more athletic, quicker J.R. is having some trouble bottling up Klay, it’s fair to assume the Thompson-Ainge showdown would be exponentially more lopsided.

Ainge is probably the less dorky of the two, though. So there’s that.

The Splash Brothers alone are one of the better guard tandems in NBA history. On a Boston team where the guards were meant to be complementary pieces to a talented frontcourt, the Celtics lose the backcourt battle in a landslide.

1986 Larry Bird was one of the NBA’s Mount Rushmore figures captured at the peak of his career. Then again, 2016 was arguably the best single season of Kevin Durant’s career. No offense to Harrison Barnes, but the Warriors would spend the majority of this series with Iguodala shadowing Larry Legend. Iguodala did not shut down Durant in the Western Conference Finals. Iggy should not be given a reputation as a shutdown defender against the NBA’s elite wings. The truly elite, like Durant and Bird, are never really shutdown.

Would Iguodala’s defense affect Bird? Of course. That doesn’t mean Bird would be held under 20 points a game or seem ineffective. LeBron still looks pretty dominant against Iggy in the Finals, but it’s the other aspects of his game that are on display. Much like LeBron, Bird would sacrifice scoring in this matchup, but his rebounding and playmaking skills are enough to overcome poorer shooting percentages and swing the small forward position in the Celtics’ favor.

Kevin McHale has three inches on Draymond Green, while checking in as twenty pounds lighter than his Golden State counterpart. McHale would be quick enough to stay with Green on the perimeter. The problem with this matchup is defending the pick-and-roll, where it’s tough to envision McHale having the twitch-reactions necessary to stop the Curry-Green short pick-and-roll. Even with Parish protecting the rim on help-side, Green’s passing skills threaten easy 2 on 1 buckets off the roll in this all-too-common part of the Warriors’ attack. All this taken into account, Green’s a physical pest on defense but McHale’s post moves paired with fairly good passing for a big man would ensure the Celtics offensive production out of the four spot. I’ll call this position a wash and move on.

Lastly, Robert Parish is superior to Andrew Bogut in every aspect of the game. I don’t feel a need to break down the center position much more. Parish and the Celtics have the advantage.

As far as bench units, I don’t see a whole lot separating these two teams. The Warriors roll out a bench unit fronted by one of the best sixth men in the game, Andre Iguodala. The Celtics roll out a bench unit fronted by the 1986 Sixth Man of the Year, Bill Walton. The Warriors have Shaun Livingston, Marreese Speights, Festus Ezeli, and Leandro Barbosa. The Celtics have Scott Wedman, Sam Vincent, and Jerry Sichting. You may not recognize those names on the Celtics bench, but in thirty years, it’s doubtful the Warriors bench will be populated with widely remembered players. Trust me, these bench units are on fairly equal footing.

So how does the actual series go?

Game 1 in Oakland, the Celtics are going to be perfectly aware of what they’re going up against in the Warriors and there certainly won’t be the overconfidence that came before Game 1 against the Sixers last round. Rather, the Celtics slow the pace and simply pound the ball into the post against Draymond and Bogut. Against a bigger, more skilled frontcourt than the Warriors have encountered all season, double teams won’t be enough to slow down Boston and Curry and Thompson’s shooting will be a moot point in a close, but-not-that-close Celtics victory.

Game 2, Kerr’s hesitancy to make the necessary adjustment puts the Warriors into a first half hole and threatens to derail Golden State’s “Best Team Ever” championship aspirations. Foolishly rolling out Bogut and Ezeli regularly, the Warriors fail to understand that size isn’t a Dubs strength. However, about midway through the third quarter, Kerr ditches the traditional center in favor of the “Death Lineup” that’s been so successful for the Warriors. Committed to a three-point heavy attack, and using Curry’s shooting as a boon, the Warriors storm back and even up the series.

Behind an all-time Larry Bird performance in Game 3 and 18 bench points from Scott Wedman in bursts of small-ball from the Celtics, Boston takes a 2-1 series lead and threatens to take a commanding lead in a venue where they simply don’t lose.

And then they lose Game 4, because the Warriors also just refuse to lose back-t0-back games. Also, Klay Thompson busts out after a couple poor shooting performances.

“Swagger-less” is the only appropriate adjective

Tied up and back in Oracle, the Warriors 3>2 formula takes over again and a Bill Walton injury forces the Celtics to commit to a few more minutes with Bird at the four than normal. Heading back to Boston, the Celtics will be forced to defend their playoff run in the Boston Garden.

In Game 6, the Warriors jump out to a quick lead, ending the first half up 63-51. Finally, Larry Bird fully embraces the power of the three point line and the third quarter turns into a shooting exhibition between Bird and Curry. With four minutes to go and trailing by five, the Celtics start pounding the ball inside to Parish and McHale.

Tied with under a minute to go, the Warriors return to the “Death Lineup” for the final stretch and attack Dennis Johnson and Robert Parish with a Curry-Draymond pick-and-roll. The Celtics collapse into the paint as Curry dishes to Green on the roll, but Ainge momentarily loses Klay, and that brief lapse is enough for Green to find Thompson for the go-ahead three. Playing from behind with just twenty-five seconds to go, Bird comes down the floor and dishes to McHale for an easy dunk, but forced to foul Curry, the Celtics watch as their run at “Best Team Ever” comes to an end behind clutch free throws from the Baby-Faced Assassin in his mall-walking Curry II’s.

“Straight fire”

The Warriors dispose of the ’86 Celtics in a hard-fought six game series and advance to the “Best Team Ever” championship.

#1 1996 Chicago Bulls vs. #3 2000 Los Angeles Lakers

Come for Kobe-Jordan.

Come for Phil Jackson v. Phil Jackson.

Stay for the show at point guard: Ron Harper versus Ron Harper.

Pippen and Jordan looking to their true leader for guidance

I’ll throw the point guard matchup out the window already. Younger Ron Harper’s athleticism basically cancels out older Ron Harper’s knowledge of his younger self. If anything, L.A. gets a slight bump here, but not enough to really matter.

I’d tackle the other guard spot, but I’m a big believer in saving the best (matchup) for last.

So let’s take a look at these teams’ respective small forwards. Scottie Pippen v. Glen Rice doesn’t sound exciting on the outset. Pippen is a Hall of Famer that helped his team to six NBA championships over eight years. Glen Rice is a serviceable small forward that quietly dominated for the Miami Heat and Charlotte Hornets throughout the 90s before winning his lone championship with the Lakers. In 1996, this would’ve been an incredible matchup pitting two All-Stars against one another. While these players at one point were on relatively equal footing, we’re looking at 2000 Glen Rice, who was in the twilight years of his career. Both are well-rounded, facilitating forwards, but peak-Pippen has a clear advantage over the Lakers’ Glen Rice.

At power forward, we’ve got a Dennis Rodman-A.C. Green showdown that rivals the Ron Harper matchup in terms of excitement (or lack thereof). By 2000, the forever underrated A.C. Green’s prime was in the rearview mirror (and no, it wasn’t closer than it appeared. It’d been awhile since Green was a quality NBA starter). Rodman’s defense and rebounding give a clear edge to the Bulls in this matchup. Even if the two match one another in the scoring column, the overall impact of Rodman would be far greater than that of A.C. Green. However, if you factor in the relative timeshare of Green and Big Shot Robert Horry, the production becomes much closer. Still, Rodman wins here. I mean, everyone trusts Rodman.

Even the leader of North Korea wants to smoke cigars with Rodman

At center, the Lakers finally have a clear-cut advantage. Prime Shaq = one of the fifteen most dominant players in NBA history. Luc Longley is the solid defensive center that checked players like Hakeem and Patrick Ewing for the Bulls. He wasn’t a star by any stretch of the imagination.

Shaq was arguably the best center in 1996 and the Bulls were forced to double O’Neal in their ’96 championship run. He got markedly better over the next four years. Longley only factors into this series as depth and fouls available for the Hack-a-Shaq strategy. Lakers have a clear advantage at center and it’s not close at all.

And now for the much-anticipated shooting guard matchup…

But first, let’s take a look at the sixth men for each team. Toni Kukoc vs. Rick Fox is must-see television and okay I guess I’ll move on to the shooting guards already.

Michael Jordan squaring off against Kobe Bryant. The Master vs. the Student. The only real question: can young Kobe actually go toe-to-toe with prime-MJ. The answer: scoring-wise, the two could easily equal one another in this series. Defensively, I’ll call it a wash as well. Jordan is the better defender, but the youth and athleticism of Bryant could most likely make up for his relative lack of experience. Jordan likely gets the advantage in this matchup as a result of his game’s polish. Playmaking and rebounding are huge facets to a winning team and in these aspects, a more experienced Jordan would have an edge over 21-year old Black Mamba.

Right away, it’s clear that outside of the center position, the Bulls seem to have an advantage. Considering the coaching is identical as well, a tactical advantage is going to be hard to come by for either team. No, if the Lakers hope to pull off an upset on the 72-win Bulls, they’ll need to dictate the pace and turn this into a half-court game. That and hope their best shooters knock down more shots than the Bulls’ marksmen.

Game 1 is all about Jordan vs. Shaq. Two of the best players in NBA history squaring off against one another, and two of the sports biggest media personalities providing great quotes subtly trashing their respective opponent. The national media shamelessly toss players like Scottie Pippen and Kobe Bryant into the background for this matchup, with only Rodman able to take the occasional spotlight away from the Jordan-Shaq focus.

Yet, the first game hinges on neither MJ or “Diesel” O’Neil. Rather it’s the Bulls supporting cast that gives Chicago first blood, with Rodman clearing twenty-one rebounds, Longley and a series of double and triple-teams holding Shaq to just nineteen points, and Steve Kerr and Toni Kukoc combining to score thirty-two points off the bench.

Kukoc. I’m pretty sure that’s Croatian for “smooth”

In Game 2, classic Michael Jordan makes an appearance, with a 35 point triple-double leading the Bulls to a 2-0 series lead. Despite the stat-stuffing performance, Jordan allows Kobe to shake free, likewise dropping 35. After the game, Bryant takes his Game 2 success as a precursor for things to come, ensuring a Game 3 win.

However, when it comes to delivering, Kobe falls short of his guarantee. Ever the competitor, Jordan takes Bryant’s guarantee as a challenge and proceeds to tame the Black Mamba. Scoring just 12 points on horribly inefficient shooting, Bryant has his worst game of the entire playoffs as the Lakers drop a third straight.

No brooms needed for this one, though.

Actual footage of Steve Kerr trying to posterize Shaq in this series

In a dominant Game 4 performance, Shaquille “Man of Steel” O’Neil pours in 41 points and grabs more rebounds than Rodman (19-16, in case you’re wondering). Kobe bounces back to add 23 and Glen Rice contributes 19 in a performance embodying the “team” aspect of the sport. Also, Jordan got in foul trouble in this one, but that’s probably not a big deal, right?

A four-game sweep against a team that lost just 10 regular season games is next to impossible, sadly. The Lakers give a good fight in Game 5, but Jordan bounces back from a poor Game 4 and Pippen contributes a 15 point-10 assist performance to cap off the series. In this edition of Batman (Jordan) vs. Superman (Shaq, obviously), Jordan’s Robin (Pippen) and his utility belt (I was going to say the whole team, but Rodman seems worthy of this moniker alone) prove to be just a little bit better than whoever Superman’s sidekick is (Is Kobe “Lois Lane” in this scenario?) and whatever backup Shaq/Superman has (the Daily Planet?). This paragraph fell apart quickly, just like the series itself, with the Lakers running up against a Bulls team sick of taking more than five games to advance in these playoffs.

How Phil Jackson rigged these playoffs to guarantee a championship appearance

Anyway, we’ve finally made it and no determined upstart could knock off the ’16 Warriors or ’96 Bulls. It’s almost like I manipulated the playoffs just to wind up with the most compelling championship game (conspiracy?). Either way, here’s one last look at the updated bracket:

Tune in for the “Best Team Ever” Finals, where we finally determine that Stephen Curry is a better player than Michael Jordan. Wait, that’s not right. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

“Best Team Ever?” I’ll Be the Judge of That! (Part Two)

First: if you’re unfamiliar with the purpose of this article or need to catch up, here’s part one of this series.

All caught up?

Good.

Just for good measure, let’s take a look at where the current bracket stands before we launch into the second round.

As you can see, we’re dealing only with the best of the best here. Strong teams like the 1987 Lakers and the 1971 Bucks have already dealt with crushing defeat. Only the strong survive and advance!

Without further adieu, let’s jump right into the second round!

#1 2016 Golden State Warriors vs. #5 2008 Boston Celtics

The two greatest shooters in basketball history. And Ray Allen. Threes will be made in this series.

Remember, though, this is a real-life simulation of the playoffs, meaning the Warriors have had a long layoff after sweeping the 1950 Lakers, while the Celtics are banged up and drained after a seven game series against Lew Alcindor and the ’71 Bucks.

With fresher legs, the Warriors roll over the first two games in Oracle in this series. Also, Kevin Garnett puts Draymond Green into the floor with at least three well-placed elbows over the course of Game 1 and 2. It’s just inevitable. Still, despite his big talk prior to Game 1, Rondo is unable to keep up with Curry on thousands of screens.

Curry can shake DPOY Kawhi. I’m pretty sure Rondo won’t be a problem.

But wait!

The Boston crowd is able to rally this Celtics team in Game 3. Behind a barrage of threes from Ray Allen and some late-game Rondo heroics, the Celtics bring the series to 2-1. Also, by Game 3, one of either Draymond or Garnett would be suspended. In this simulation, I’m going to give it to Green, just because he’s far more scrutinized than KG.

Now, after a tough loss in Game 3 and a suspended Draymond Green, the Warriors find themselves facing the possibility of a tied series heading back to Oakland.

Yet, Coach Kerr makes the necessary adjustment in Game 4 and moves to an extreme small-ball lineup with Andre Iguodala and Harrison Barnes both starting, thus forcing the Celtics to abandon Kendrick Perkins. Testing the depth of the ’08 Celtics, Shaun Livingston and Mo Speights come up huge in Game 4. Coming down to the wire, Curry kicks to Harrison Barnes in the corner, who nails the go-ahead three with 12.4 seconds remaining. Down two, the Celtics go for the win and run action for Ray Allen on the inbounds. With Iguodala contesting the shot, Allen misses and the Warriors head back to California with a 3-1 series lead.

By this time, the media is already crowning the Warriors the series winners and prepping for the semifinals prior to Game 5. After all, the Warriors absolutely dominated Game 2 and Curry and Thompson are combining to average 49 points a game.

Remember 2008 Rondo, though? The guy who came through in the playoffs when the contributions of Pierce, Garnett, and Allen just weren’t enough? He does it again in Game 5.

Putting up a triple-double and dishing out 18 assists while holding Curry to just 3-13 shooting from behind the arc, Game 5 goes down in history as the Rondo Game and the series shifts back to Boston.

I miss this Rondo

And now, I’ll admit something: I don’t really think the Celtics have enough advantages in this matchup to force a Game 6. I’m only allowing it because I have an incredible amount of faith that Pierce and Garnett could simply will the Celtics to a couple wins.

In reality, the Warriors have too many advantages. Curry is the superior point guard. Klay Thompson is such a great defender, that even if his offense suffers, he’d be able to make Ray Allen look merely okay. I’ve seen Andre Iguodala check LeBron and Kevin Durant with outstanding results. I’m certain he could also hold Pierce to reasonable scoring lines with inefficient shooting percentages. And Kevin Garnett dominates his matchup against Draymond Green, but it wouldn’t matter. The Warriors have the deeper bench and run a defensive system that thrives on turnovers. Rondo would serve up turnovers aplenty against the Warriors defense and steals leader Stephen Curry, even if he does put up ridiculous counting stats.

The trash talk between prime-KG and Draymond Green would make this series one of the most compelling in the second round. Still, the Warriors take this one in six games. Six incredibly tough, physical games.

I’d love to see Draymond try this on Garnett. Worth the price of admission, IMO.

#2 1967 Philadelphia 76ers vs. #3 1986 Boston Celtics

Wilt vs. the World. I AM HERE FOR THIS.

The Celtics still have the frontcourt advantage in this matchup. And you better bet they know it.

Kevin McHale, Bill Walton, and Robert Parish know that at all times one of them is going to have an insanely advantageous matchup on the offensive end. They also probably know that Larry Bird is clearly the better small forward than Billy Cunningham or Chet Walker. That’s not slight, that’s just 1986 Larry Bird being one of the most complete, dominant players in NBA history.

Still, Wilt Chamberlain and Hal Greer know they have home court advantage and the ability to simply take over a series. They won’t be thinking of themselves as underdogs, that’s for sure.

Also, if you like offense, this is the series for you. Both teams are going to push the cover off the ball in an effort to simply outshoot the other team.

This series pits two very similarly-styled teams against one another and overall scheme isn’t going to make a huge difference in this one. It’s going to come down to which team simply has the better players.

Regardless, I think the Celtics come into Game 1 overconfident as a result of their obvious size advantage and find themselves struggling to stop Hal Greer. Danny Ainge simply can’t stop Hal and the Sixers roll to a Game 1 victory.

Hal gonna hit ’em with that smooth midrange

And then it’s all over from there.

A refocused Celtics team come out in Game 2 and remind everyone that they’re simply more talented on both ends of the floor. Fearlessly double-teaming Wilt and seceding Greer’s points in an effort to shut down the role players, the Celtics cruise to an easy Game 2 victory behind a dominant performance on both ends from Kevin McHale.

Afterwards, Wilt fearlessly calls out his teammates, imploring for better effort from every man on the roster. Meanwhile, Coach K.C. Jones of the Celtics reminds that the series is just getting started, despite his players declaring via not-so-subtle interviews that the series is all-but-over.

After sweeping Game 3 and 4 in Boston, it begins to appear that the Celtics players were right to be confident. The Boston Garden is a remarkably tough environment to come into and steal a game, and Wilt’s Sixers are no exception. Despite putting up 42 and 37 in Games 3 and 4 respectively, Chamberlain is unable to carry his team to a win. The Celtics simply dominate too many other match-ups and everything seems to be placed on Wilt and Greer’s shoulders.

Showing obvious signs of fatigue, Robert Parish and Bill Walton hold Wilt to just 26 points in Game 5 and the Celtics advance to the next round. Larry Bird finishes the series with averages of 27 points, 8 rebounds, and 7 assists and looks the part of all-time great. And yet, Kevin McHale is undoubtably the MVP of this series. Matched up against 6-9 Luke Jackson and small-ball lineups featuring Chet Walker at the four, McHale averages nearly 30 points a game in this series and the advantages at the forward spot prove to be too much for the Sixers to overcome.

The 1986 Celtics were a glorious assemblage of skilled big men. Wonderful.

This one takes just five games and Bird’s ’86 Celtics roll into the semifinals and prepare for an epic showdown against the 2016 Warriors.

#1 1996 Chicago Bulls vs. #4 2013 Miami Heat

Yep, it’s the all-time showdown to settle once-and-for-all one of the most overwhelming debates in sports history: Is Luc Longley a better player than Chris Bosh?

What? You hadn’t asked yourself that question once in your life? It must be nice to live without being pained by these mind-boggling questions.

Joking aside, this is a terrific matchup.

Michael Jordan and Scottie Pippen going head-to-head with LeBron James and Dwyane Wade would be must-see television.

Also, this is sure to go the distance. I’m talking seven games of Michael Jordan publicly dissing LeBron. Seven games of Dennis Rodman CRUSHING the Heat on the boards. At least one game that comes down to a huge shot from Mario Chalmers. At least one game with the Toni Kukoc-Shane Battier matchup ultimately deciding a winner. At least a dozen Rodman-Birdman think-pieces comparing the two heavily-tatted role players. And at least a quarter of an entire game devoted solely to a Steve Kerr-Ray Allen shootout.

(Side note: the Bulls are getting absolutely screwed by this bracket, while the Warriors have pretty much coasted into the semis. Let’s breakdown how that lessens the Dubs’ accomplishments!)

Anyway, Game 1 in the United Center is going to be the most hyped sporting showdown since the Rocky-Creed rematch. Yep, a fictional boxing match is the only real comp for a Jordan-LeBron showdown. That’s how unbelievable this series would be.

Me, thinking about this series

Yet, Game 1 comes down to the Heat’s inability to guard Pippen. Tasking LeBron with Jordan on defense, the Bulls would be able to attack Wade with the larger, younger Scottie Pippen. Scoring 28, Chicago rides a hot-shooting Pippen to the Game 1 victory, despite the bench being outscored 30-18. Also, Phil Jackson probably makes the correct decision by starting Kukoc in the second half and benching Longley to match the quickness and shooting of the Heat.

After being killed again by Pippen in Game 2, despite picking up a huge road win, the Heat finally break and put Wade onto Jordan for Game 3.

Putting up just 20 and 19 points respectively over Game 1 & 2, the Heat’s defensive shift translates to immediate success in Miami, with Jordan scoring 43 and utterly dominating en route to a 2-1 series lead.

Matching blow-for-blow from the starters in Game 4, the Heat’s bench proves the difference in evening the series, with Ray Allen, Shane Battier, Mike Miller, and James Jones combining for 18 three pointers.

Miller probably even knocks down three or four jumpers with one shoe

Tied at 2-2 heading back to Chicago, Dwyane Wade and LeBron finally show up together in Game 5, stealing a huge road win while dominating the transition game like few duos ever have. Oh yeah, and Chris Bosh has another pretty good game, but who really cares?

On the brink of elimination and in Miami, the Bulls respond in a uniquely Jordan way. Holding Wade to just 14 points while scoring 32 himself, Air Jordan reasserts his alpha dog status in Game 6 and forces a Game 7 showdown in Chicago.

As TV broadcasters bask in the ratings bonanza that Game 7 promises, Jordan and LeBron prepare for the defining moment of their career, true to their personalities. LeBron quietly declares it “a big game, no doubt” and says “we’ve just gotta go out and there and play together, be physical, and play team defense.” Meanwhile, Jordan is brushing off the game with quotes like “they’re a great team, but I trust my guys and know we’re better” or “LeBron’s great, but we’re back in my place now.”

And then the game comes down to LeBron, guarded by Pippen and trailing by one with fifteen seconds left, driving and kicking to Chris Bosh for the go-ahead three. Alas, Dennis Rodman comes out of nowhere and steals the pass. Despite a 30-12-8 performance in Game 7, LeBron is once again criticized for one failed play at the end of the game, the media defining his career as one befitting a “choker” that “doesn’t have what it takes to make the big shot.”

Guess what? Jordan probably doesn’t speak out in support of LeBron, either.

#3 2000 Los Angeles Lakers vs. #7 1989 Detroit Pistons

Bill Laimbeer is going to put on an absolute show in this series.

Not with his play, of course. With his elbows and fists as he futilely tries to slow down Shaquille. I’ll just go ahead and suspend Laimbeer for Game 6 in advance.

Ironically, Game 6 is going to be the final game in this series.

You’re right, I’m rushing this one. I’ll calm down and actually analyze now.

Okay, let’s break down the individual player match-ups in this one.

First, Isiah Thomas against Ron Harper. This is no contest. Zeke is one of the all-time greats at the point. Ron Harper is just Phil Jackson’s point guard on multiple championship teams (including the 1996 Bulls). Isiah Thomas may give up size head-to-head, but he’s a far more complete basketball player that’s actually a focal point on offense. Advantage Pistons.

Next, Joe Dumars squaring up against Kobe Bryant. Kobe wins this one by virtue of pure athleticism and a superior post-up game. He’s also got the defensive chops in 2000 to entirely shut down Dumars. Lakers take this one.

Adrian Dantley and Mark Aguirre versus Glen Rice and Rick Fox. I’ll call this one a wash. These small forward matchups are just too close to result in any real edge.

Now, A.C. Green squaring up against Rodman. Defense wins championships, right? Also, the crazy factor makes Rodman a wild card in this series. Throw in the Pistons’ depth with Rick Mahorn and John Salley, and the Pistons have the advantage at the four spot.

Lastly, Shaq is clearly superior to Laimbeer in every aspect of the game. Well, except for getting into altercations, but that’s not really a basketball skill. The Big Aristotle gives the Lakers the edge.

Bill Laimbeer won’t go down without a literal fight, though.

So the Pistons have an advantage at point guard and power forward, but the Lakers have shooting guard and center locked down. Still a tie.

So if the teams are so evenly matched, why do I think the series only goes six games?

Faith in Kobe and Shaq and big shots from Derek Fisher and Robert Horry, mostly. The Lakers are going to take the first two games, before dropping two in the Palace at Auburn Hills, and then sweeping the last two, the final game largely hinging on the inevitable suspension of Laimbeer.

Lakers in six. Big Shot Rob with a game winner somewhere in the series. And Kobe throwing down at least one memorable dunk.

Kobe isn’t about to let some Cinderella seven seed pull off the upset

(Bonus: this win sets up a semifinals match with Phil Jackson coaching both teams. What a fictional world!)

So let’s take a look at the bracket as we head into the Best Team Ever semifinals!

Wow. Bird squaring off against Curry. A Jordan-Kobe playoff showdown. This is a basketball fan’s dream! Literally!

I’m getting close to not-so-scientifically determining the best basketball team of all-time. Be sure to come back for the final part of this fictional playoff epic!

“Best Team Ever?” I’ll Be the Judge of That! (Part One)

Magic Johnson sure isn’t buying into the Warriors being the best time of all time. In fact, he’s convinced that the ’80s “Showtime” Lakers would beat Curry’s “Strength in Numbers” Dubs. While an answer to this hypothetical situation is entirely subjective and depends on public opinion, it’s an interesting comparison nonetheless.

We’ve talked all season about how the Warriors, despite their historic accomplishments, probably aren’t as good as the ’96 Bulls. What if we open that conversation up to even more of basketball’s great championship teams? I mean if all this is just speculative ahistorical nonsense anyway, why can’t I make the argument that the ’86 Celtics would’ve swept this year’s Warriors? We’ll never know how that situation plays out, so I can say that, if we eliminate the context of win-loss records and relative league strength, the 2004 Pistons could beat any other basketball squad in a 7-game series. If I believe it to be true, you can’t definitively prove me wrong.

But I wanted to take this experiment one step further.

If we’re dealing with hypothetical, what-if scenarios, why not expand it? I propose a sixteen-team, greatest of all time playoff to declare once-and-for-all the premier basketball team ever assembled (’92 Dream Team excluded).

Now, for the purposes of this exercise, we’ll be dealing only with championship teams because we need squads that never actually lost a playoff series. That means that even though this year’s Spurs have the best record in franchise history, they’re ineligible. That rules out a bunch of ’90s teams that suffered as a result of Jordan’s dominance. No ’96 Magic. No ’98 Jazz. No ’93 Suns (Man, that rule gets rid of a bunch of really great squads). There are a bunch of really great teams to come up short of a championship, but this exercise can tolerate no losers, even if they’re debatably better than some of the winners.

I think this exercise also needs to rule out multiple entrances for teams that won back-to-back titles (or were built around the same core). That means that the Heat can only submit one of the Big 3 era teams to this dance. That means the ’60s Celtics only get one representative. I’m also throwing out last year’s Warriors with the presumption that this year’s squad will complete the back-to-back, probably in Cleveland this week.

Seeding of these teams will go by overall regular season record, regardless of conference. That means this year’s Warriors will be the #1 seed on one side of the bracket and the ’96 Bulls will be the other #1. Also, home court runs through Oracle in this ridiculous playoff scenario.

We will operate with the three-point line in place, but will not be excluding champions from the previous era. That means the Big O can start chucking three pointers on the ’71 Bucks, if he so chooses. All bets are off.

Also, as much as I love the ABA, I’ll have to limit the playing field only to NBA champions. It’s just too difficult to gauge the league differences, especially overall competitiveness. Sorry, Nets and Pacers fans.

Lastly, I’m the NBA Commissioner for these playoffs, a role I humbly accept, and will be the judge should any suspensions need be handed out (Only really a concern if this year’s Warriors meet the Bad Boy Pistons, honestly).

Now that the guidelines are set, let’s take a look at the Best Team Ever playoff bracket!

 

 

 

After much deliberation and a lot of thought about expanding the bracket to 32 teams (ultimately, that would take too long), you can see I’ve arrived at what I figure is the best possible bracket for such an endeavor. Now, because I chose to select the participants primarily based on regular season win-loss percentage, the 1950 Lakers were able to snag the last spot in a highly contested race on the bubble. My apologies to the ’99 Spurs, ’11 Mavs, ’94 Rockets, and several other very good teams.

Without further ado, let’s kick off the first round.

#1 2016 Golden State Warriors vs. #8 1950 Minneapolis Lakers

 

If you aren’t at least kind of intrigued by this series, there’s something wrong with you. Okay, so it wouldn’t actually be an entertaining series, but it’s an intriguing matchup nonetheless.

Think about it: the likely most recent NBA champion against the very first champion of the Association. That would be, what’s the word…

However, on the basketball side, this is a pretty boring matchup.

The Warriors’ biggest weakness all season has been length. The Thunder proved that in the Western Conference Finals. I’m fairly certain a starting backcourt that’s 5-10 and 6-2 probably isn’t long enough to give the Splash Brothers much trouble. George Mikan has modern day NBA length and Vern Mikkelsen is about the same size as Draymond Green, so I’m guessing the Minneapolis frontcourt could hold its own.

Sadly, 3>2 is all you need to know about this series. In 1950, the Lakers thrived on Mikan being bigger and more skilled than the rest of the competition. Jim Pollard and Vern Mikkelsen were terrific complementary pieces, but the guards were really unexciting on the non-L.A. Lakers. Stephen Curry and Klay Thompson would most likely work over any combination of Slater Martin, Paul Walther, Don Carlson, or Annie Ferrin.

On the coattails of purely superior shooting, the Warriors coast to a 4-0 sweep against the NBA’s first champs. Still, George Mikan probably averages like 28 and 16 in this matchup. The dude was a straight up baller. If he had a little bit better supporting cast, I’d probably even give them a game in this series.

#4 1971 Milwaukee Bucks vs. #5 2008 Boston Celtics

 

The 2008 Celtics, I’m convinced, were the perfect storm. Getting Kevin Garnett and Ray Allen in the same offseason was some sort of divine intervention. It’s the only NBA championship I’ve witnessed my favorite team win in my lifetime and I definitely have a personal connection to this team. In NBA Live 2009, I only ever played with this Celtics squad.

That said, I think this is one of my favorite first round match-ups in this hypothetical playoff setting.

Lewis Alcindor vs. Kevin Garnett

Oscar Robertson vs. Rajon Rondo

Bob Dandridge vs. Paul Pierce

Lucius Allen vs. Ray Allen

Okay, the last two aren’t all that enticing. But imagine the Big O facing off against his modern day doppelgänger. Dueling triple-doubles in this one, for sure. Imagine Kevin Garnett and Kendrick Perkins bodying up the NBA’s all-time leading scorer in his prime. Picture Kevin Garnett throwing elbows and Alcindor sky-hooking Perkins into oblivion. Envision a Milwaukee crowd legitimately excited about having an elite basketball team to support.

In a seven-game series, I think this is an absolute toss-up. Lew Alcindor is an absolute beast, but the Celtics have the advantage on the wings. After being wheeled out on a gurney, I’m gonna go with Paul Pierce pouring in thirty-five in a Game 7 showdown, while Alcindor scores 40 and the Big O unleashes yet another triple-double. In this one, I’m taking the ’08 Celtics, and it’s pretty much just because I love this team. Nobody can stop me, I am the Playoff God!

#3 1986 Boston Celtics vs. #6 2009 Los Angeles Lakers

Peak Larry Legend vs. Peak Black Mamba

The Bird-Magic rivalry was legendary, but I would love to see the most competitive Laker ever go up against the most competitive Celtic ever. Imagine the trash talk. I can just see Kobe totally ignoring any questions regarding Danny Ainge because even mentioning someone like Ainge would be “pointless.” I can see Kevin McHale and Pau Gasol quietly having the most epic battle of skilled big men in basketball history. I can see the debate raging coast-t0-coast over who’s the better sixth man, healthy Bill Walton or peak Lamar Odom? I can see Andrew Bynum having a monster game and the media starting to question whether Robert Parish has lost a step. And then there’s the unexciting point guard match-up of the century between Dennis Johnson and Derek Fisher.

Literally everything about this series screams all-time classic.

We don’t care about that, though. We’re trying to decide on the greatest team in NBA history. And in that case, I’ve got to go with the Celtics again. I mean, they’d have home court advantage and this was a team that went 40-1 in the Boston Garden in 1986. They simply aren’t going to drop one at home. More importantly, the Celtics frontcourt depth makes one of the best recent assemblages of big men look average by comparison.

Bird and Co. win this one in six.

#2 1967 Philadelphia 76ers vs. #7 1960 Boston Celtics

We know the ’67 Sixers could beat the ’67 Celtics. But what about the 1960 version of Red Auerbach’s team?

Fronted by a younger Bill Russell and an absolutely outstanding supporting cast, the 1960 Celtics were the team that truly epitomized the peak of Boston basketball.

In comparison, Wilt Chamberlain and Hal Greer were one of the best NBA duos ever. They’ll never be mentioned with the Jordan/Pippen or Durant/Westbrook combos, but Wilt and Greer were absolutely dominant. 1967 was also an incredibly unique season for Wilt, as he actually averaged more rebounds than points. Also, he scored 24.1 points a game that year. Yep, he was basically impossible to out-rebound.

And yet, 1960 Bill Russell is probably the only guy that I would want to battle on the glass less than Wilt. Honestly, in this showdown, Wilt and Russell cancel each other out. This one is going to come down to the supporting casts, and both are absolutely stellar.

The Celtics bring in Tommy Heinsohn at his peak, Bob Cousy as the best point guard in the game, and Bill Sharman as an incredible shooter. Meanwhile, the Sixers have Greer, Chet Walker, and Billy Cunningham providing the most potent scoring backcourt of the 1960s.

Yeah, I’m incredibly glad that my bracketology methods produced a first round match up of the two greatest teams of the 1960s (granted there were only two teams to win a championship in the entire decade).

While I’d love to set up a battle between Bill Russell and Larry Bird in the second round, I’m pretty sure the Sixers win this one. People just don’t understand how great Wilt Chamberlain was, even at the age of thirty. Throw in the fact that Hal Greer is the forgotten basketball star in modern NBA history and the Sixers barely have the edge. This is clearly a seven-gamer and I think I need to take a break because just thinking about this matchup has me all hot-and-bothered.

You’re right, Wilt. This series would be 100.

Sixers in seven, moving on (I’m gonna go change my pants now).

#1 1996 Chicago Bulls vs. #8 2014 San Antonio Spurs

Let me check my bracket formula again, because there is absolutely no way the 2014 Spurs should be an eighth seed. They’re one of the smoothest, well-rounded teams I’ve ever seen in my lifetime. The vengeance tour against the Heat was utter domination that left me believing Kawhi Leonard was a future MVP. In fact, I stand by that notion still, primarily on the Finals performance of this particular Spurs squad.

And yet, my formula somehow says that this is still the correct 1-8 matchup. Incredible.

The ’96 Bulls are still better than Popovich’s best product (Yes, the 2016 Spurs were awesome, but 2014 was still better). I’ll also wager that Phil Jackson (despite his flawed refusal to embrace change) is a slightly better coach than Pop. Eleven rings make one hell of an argument.

Now stop and think about this: Kawhi Leonard guarding Michael Jordan (!!!). Kawhi is one of the best perimeter defenders in NBA history and shut down LeBron in the ’14 Finals. But Michael Jordan is Michael Jordan. Hello, immovable object. Meet unstoppable force.

The ’16 Warriors wound up with a favorable matchup in the first round in this bracket. The ’96 Bulls got the toughest eighth seed imaginable.

Even if Kawhi can hold Jordan to something like 24 points a game (it’s stunning that 24 points is low for MJ), Scottie Pippen, Tony Kukoc, and the rest of Jordan’s supporting cast can still carry the Bulls to a series win. Tim Duncan, Tony Parker, and Manu Ginobili were still awesome two years ago, but they’d need 2014 savvy mixed with 2007 athleticism to stand a chance in this matchup.

Plus, this exercise is no fun if we knock out the team that started this debate right off the bat. Let’s say Bulls in six only because I have a ton of respect for Pop and the Big Fundamental. In a better matchup, I could see this Spurs team getting at least into the second round.

Celebrating Pop here, because there will be more opportunities to praise the Bulls

#4 2013 Miami Heat vs. #5 1987 Los Angeles Lakers

Pat Riley wins and that’s all that really matters.

Another winner here: the concept of the Big 3. Whether it’s Magic Johnson, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, and James Worthy, or LeBron, Dwyane Wade, and Chris Bosh, the three superstar formula has pretty much always worked.

“But who really wins here?”

LeBron James or the only reasonable comparison that doesn’t disrespect the King?

The 2013 Miami Heat saw LeBron James at the peak of his powers. They won 27 straight regular season games and dominated their way to the top of the Eastern Conference.

The 1987 Lakers rolled out the prime version of Magic Johnson with a budding star in Worthy and a 39-year old Kareem that could still take over a game.

“SO WHO WINS?”

Basketball fans. Basketball fans win. We as fans are the tr-*gasp* YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE VIOLENT!

The Heat had their season saved by a miracle Ray Allen three. I believe that some divine power truly wanted the Heat to repeat as champions.

One of the craziest, most WTF playoff sequences ever

More importantly, the pace-and-space system with Bosh stretching Kareem all the way out to the three point line makes me believe that the Heat take this one. Simply taking Kareem out of the series is a huge boost for Miami.

Honestly, I don’t believe this series is all that close. LeBron and the Heatles beat the Showtime Lakers in five. But don’t worry Magic, I’m sure you could’ve beaten the ’16 Warriors if given the chance *wink-wink*

#3 2000 Los Angeles Lakers vs. #6 1983 Philadelphia 76ers

Shaq and Kobe. Moses and Dr. J.

Two of the best centers in NBA history and two of the best wing scorers in basketball history.

Shaq would spend the entirety of this series throwing elbows on the court and barbs off trying to get a rise out of Moses. And Kobe, just three years into his career, would probably be taking shots at “old man” Erving.

And Billy Cunningham’s Sixers team would let all the distractions go and just play basketball. Julius Erving was on a mission in 1983 and Moses was the most dominant center of the 1980s. Throw in Andrew Toney, the forgotten scorer on Erving’s team, and Maurice Cheeks as a solid all-around point guard, and this Sixers team was well-rounded and ready to tackle the giants of the 80s (Celtics/Lakers).

And that wouldn’t be enough against the 2000 Lakers.

Shaquille O’Neal and Kobe Bryant still got along in 2000. Kobe was still one of the most exciting athletes in the NBA and Shaq was the most dominant center since prime-Kareem. This Lakers duo is up there with the very best in NBA history. So what if tensions ruined the potential dynasty in L.A? In 2000, this was just a team dead-set on bringing back the Larry O’Brien trophy to Los Angeles. And Philly may have a forgotten scorer in Toney, but the Lakers had a still very-serviceable Glen Rice.

Shaq and Kobe FTW! GTFOH with your crazy layups and 20-20 stat lines! Lakers take this one in five.

#2 1972 Los Angeles Lakers vs. #7 1989 Detroit Pistons

The 1972 Lakers won a still-record 33 straight regular season games. The 1989 Pistons got into a still-record 33 bench-clearing brawls (approximately).

The Pistons would knock the absolute shit out of Jerry West and Bill Laimbeer would probably throw four dozen elbows (per game) at an aging Wilt Chamberlain just for the hell of it. And I’d absolutely love it, and not just because I’ve hated the Lakers as long as I can remember.

The Bad Boy Pistons, led by Isiah Thomas, Joe Dumars, and Adrian Dantley are one of the deepest teams I’ve ever seen. Mark Aguirre, Vinnie Johnson, Dennis Rodman, Rick Mahorn, and John Salley were just complementary pieces on this team. They may be known for their, um, grit, but they were still an insanely talented team.

Meanwhile, Jerry “The Logo” West led a cast including leading-scorer Gail Goodrich, up-and-comer Jim McMillan, the shell of Elgin Baylor, forgotten man Happy Hairston, and post-dominance Wilt Chamberlain (who still averaged over 19 rebounds a game, FWIW). This was a finesse team that pushed the pace and scored in bunches. Basically the exact opposite of the Bad Boys.

With a contrast of styles, it’s tough to decide who would win this series. Based on toughness and mental fortitude alone, I’m going to go with Zeke and Coach Daly’s Pistons. Something tells me I’m forced to suspend Laimbeer after a blow he probably would’ve gotten away with three decades ago. I also think that blow hampers Chamberlain and/or Baylor and takes one of the primary weapons out of the Lakers arsenal. I just think the more advanced age of the Lakers would have a tough time standing up to the most physical team in NBA history.

Zeke also brought the swagger 24/7

I’ll give West and the Lakers a couple games, but the Pistons finish this one off in six.

Now, with the first round in the books, let’s take a look at the updated, Best Team Ever bracket!

Wow, 2000 Lakers against the Bad Boy Pistons! Jordan against LeBron! The second round is going to look like the Sistine Chapel, if the Sistine Chapel were a fictionalized basketball tournament. Come back for the next post analyzing the second round as we (read: I) determine the best team ever, informed only by my own subjectivity! Mazel Tov!