Checking In On the Gold Glove Races

Less than two months remain in the 2016 Major League Baseball season.

That’s not that many games left on the calendar.

While teams are either already turning to 2017 or prepping for a (hopefully) lengthy playoff run, writers are beginning to think about the most relevant late-season narratives. In that same vein, I’ve decided to delve into the season-long statistics of every lineup regular in both the American and National Leagues, focusing particularly on the defensive performance of every notable player. Why?

Gold, baby.

Yep, I’m already intrigued by the Gold Glove races across the MLB. You see, if one watches enough Kevin Kiermaier, Jackie Bradley Jr., and Kevin Pillar, one begins to salivate at the thought of spectacular defensive plays.

In baseball, defense is an incredibly underrated part of the game. While everyone focuses on offense and pitching, positional defense still plays an extremely important role in the successes and failures of MLB teams.

Want an example? The Royals, as a team, need 29 more defensive runs saved this season to equal their 2015 total. In their World Series season, the Royals led the American League in the statistic and subsequently found themselves winning an improbable amount of games. In 2016, they’ve taken a noticeable step back around the diamond, and subsequently there’s been a noted decline in Kansas City wins.

Again, a lot of factors impact winning and losing in baseball, but strong defensive teams are still at an obvious advantage. And this means that standout defenders bring a quietly huge impact to their teams (and vice-versa for bad defenders). So let’s take a look at which players have been most impactful with the glove and who might find themselves rewarded for their efforts in another few months.

Gold Glove Pitchers: Dallas Keuchel (AL) & Zack Greinke (NL)

Yeah, these aren’t very surprising.

Winners of back-to-back Gold Gloves over the last two seasons, Dallas Keuchel and Zack Greinke are the two pitchers most known for helping themselves out in the field. And 2016 has been no different thus far.

Keuchel is currently tied among qualified American League pitchers in DRS (defensive runs saved), with only Masahiro Tanaka judged as equally valuable at preventing runs in the field. However, Keuchel has yet to make a fielding error, while Tanaka does have a pesky miscue on his record this season. Keuchel has also only allowed two stolen bases while on the mound, compared to the six allowed by Tanaka. Keuchel has a lot of pressure for the Gold Glove this season, but he’s currently in the driver’s seat for his third straight award. He may have relatively poor pitching numbers in 2016, but you can’t blame the reigning AL Cy Young winner’s defense for the decline.

Dallas Keuchel should play soccer, BTW

Now Greinke earns another Gold Glove mostly on reputation alone. While he’s again posting stellar defensive numbers for his new team, he has committed one error, a blemish on his otherwise stellar record. Allowing just three stolen bases and owning five DRS, Greinke’s numbers are still quite good, but other contenders for the award (Michael Wacha and Bartolo Colon) have equally impressed on defense this season.

Colon leads all pitchers in baseball in DRS with six this year, but has also allowed four stolen bases with one error. Meanwhile, Wacha has given up six stolen bases and committed one error, but also owns five DRS and has the highest fielding percentage of the three. There’s an argument to be made for all three pitchers in the NL Gold Glove race, but Greinke is as good as any and earns the award primarily on track record at this point.

Gold Glove Catchers: Salvador Perez (AL) & Buster Posey (NL)

Salvador Perez is running away with the Gold Glove and everyone else is just a speck in the rear view mirror.

Seriously, Salvy has been the best defensive catcher in baseball this season, hands down. He has just three errors and is just a solitary percentage point off the AL fielding percentage lead among catchers. However, the more advanced statistics tell the real story of Perez’s dominance.

Perez has 10 DRS, tops among AL catchers by 4 whole runs! His defensive rating is also nearly 4 points higher than the nearest contender. Oh yeah, and he’s thrown out 31 baserunners this season, while allowing only 27 stolen bases (honestly, why are teams still running on Salvy?). Yeah, Perez is gonna win his fourth straight Gold Glove. Honestly, he’s getting very close to peak-Yadier Molina territory and that’s insane.

Oh yeah, and Buster Posey should finally get his first Gold Glove this season. It’s ridiculous he wasn’t the NL winner of the award last year, especially considering he took home the Fielding Bible award for best defensive catcher in all of baseball. Yet somehow, he lost the Gold Glove to Molina again and is still without the one piece of hardware left for the all-world backstop. 

How many catchers have done that, huh?

I won’t knock Yadier Molina, even though the advanced statistics might justify declaring him a below-average defender at this stage of his career (again, not what I’m saying). Instead, I wish simply to acknowledge that Posey is not only the best offensive catcher, but also the best defender behind the plate (at least in the NL). He’s allowed the fewest stolen bases among catchers with at least 500 innings this season. He also has just two errors, only bested by Molina’s measly one defensive miscue.

Posey is second in DRS among NL catchers (behind Derek Norris) and second in defensive rating (behind J.T. Realmuto). While Posey is not the best according to any one metric, he’s the only NL catcher consistently grading out as a top three defender by any advanced (or standard) statistic. It’s time to give Posey the golden glove to go with his many silver bats.

Gold Glove First Basemen: Miguel Cabrera (AL) & Wil Myers (NL)

*Hides from outraged, pitchfork-wielding Royals fans*

I really wish I could explain how Eric Hosmer has fallen off so sharply on the defensive end. His errors are up, his DRS total is among the lowest among AL first basemen, and his UZR (ultimate zone rating) is also well behind league average. As a result of Hosmer’s unbelievable decline, the American League Gold Glove race at first base is remarkably muddled.

Chris Davis of the Orioles has a strong case from an advanced metrics perspective, but he’s amassed a bunch of errors that reflect poorly on his performance. The Rangers’ Mitch Moreland has been consistently great on defense by almost any measure, but he also hasn’t played the innings befitting of a “regular” first baseman. Joe Mauer is solid defensively for the Twins, but doesn’t stand out either.

Therefore, Miguel Cabrera is in the driver’s seat for his first Gold Glove by default. UZR grades Miggy as elite, while DRS says he’s above average as well. He does have 4 errors in 2016, dragging down his fielding percentage, but that isn’t a damning total. Honestly, he’s practically equaled defensively by multiple first baseman and I’m really giving him the award because he’s the best offensive player among the contenders and I felt like being that horrible person that takes offense into account when deciding Gold Glove winners.

On the flip side, Wil Myers is an absolute stud defensively now that he’s taken over first base duties in San Diego full-time. Myers has just one error all year and owns a very respectable 5 DRS. More importantly, he’s blowing away every other NL first baseman in UZR (5.4 points higher than the next closest contender). Myers also owns the only positive defensive rating among regular NL first basemen. The defensive performance of Wil Myers is incredible (especially considering this is his first season as a full-time first baseman) and his first Gold Glove is well within reach.

Gold Glove Second Basemen: Dustin Pedroia (AL) & Neil Walker (NL)

The second base Gold Glove race, in both leagues, is a textbook example of differing baseball ideologies. By traditional statistics, neither Pedroia nor Walker would be considered favorites for the award. Instead, Robinson Cano would be cemented as the AL favorite and Ben Zobrist would be running away with the NL hardware.

However, I always put more weight behind nuanced statistics and as a result look at the second base Gold Glove races in a much different light than the more old-fashioned in the industry. The well-regarded and notable advanced stats both shine a negative light on Zobrist and Cano. Or rather, they highlight the decidedly average nature of their true defensive talents, with neither grading as particularly bad or good.

Meanwhile, advanced statistics indicate that Neil Walker is running away with the NL Gold Glove, owning a sizable advantage in UZR and defensive rating compared to his peers. Trust me, ask any Mets fan and they’ll be terribly unimpressed with Walker’s defense, but he’s sneakily been very good.

While Neil Walker’s newfound defensive excellent comes as a bit of a shock, the American League advanced statistics leader is a four-time Gold Glove winner and regarded as one of the best overall defenders in all of baseball (in fact, I highlighted his defensive excellence earlier this summer here). Yep, Dustin Pedroia is still far-and-away the best defensive second baseman in the American League, and he’s actually been healthy enough to reclaim his hardware this season. Glad to have you back, extraordinary defensive wizard Pedroia!

Pedey got hops, too!

Gold Glove Shortstops: Francisco Lindor (AL) & Brandon Crawford (NL)

Remember when Andrelton Simmons’ move to the American League was going to ruin a bunch of shortstops’ chances at the Gold Glove for the next few years? Yeah, that hasn’t happened yet.

While Simmons is having a fine defensive season, he’s missed a chunk of time and struggled to really find his groove. As a result, the AL Gold Glove race at shortstop has opened up and the Indians’ new superstar has ran with the opportunity. Lindor is third in fielding percentage among qualified AL shortstops, has the fourth fewest errors in the group, and grades at the top of every advanced statistic. Jose Iglesias has been almost as stellar for Detroit, but he’s a notch behind Lindor in DRS and UZR and clearly owns the lower profile of the two (probably because Iglesias is a pretty average hitter). So Lindor is ahead of the pack right now, but he better remain flawless because Andrelton Simmons is hot on his tail.

In the National League it’s cut-and-dry. Brandon Crawford is the best defensive shortstop in the game.

Okay, he does have an abnormally high number of errors (10) this year, but the advanced statistics adore his glove work and the eye test doesn’t hurt, either. Brandon Crawford is a defensive savant and with Simmons in the American League, it’s going to be awfully difficult to pry the Gold Glove away from Crawford’s cold, soft, wicked dextrous hands.

Gold Glove Third Basemen: Manny Machado (AL) & Nolan Arenado (NL)

This one is pretty obvious in both leagues. I’ll keep it short, in that case.

Among American League third basemen, Manny Machado trails only Adrian Beltre in defensive runs saved at the hot corner. The caveat? Machado has spent a bunch of time at shortstop filling in for the injured J.J. Hardy this season. Therefore, looking at Machado’s total DRS he pulls even with Beltre. His UZR is also far and away the best in the American League among third basemen. Oh yeah, and he’s made just one error playing third base this season. He’s so good it should be against the rules.

In the case of Arenado it becomes a little more muddled, as the advanced statistics actually favor the Dodgers’ Justin Turner this season (I’m legitimately shocked). While I always put faith into advanced statistics and analytics, even I can’t really make the case for anyone but Arenado. He’s leading NL third basemen in fielding percentage and DRS this season. So what if his UZR and defensive rating are merely “good” instead of “OMG HE’S A GOD”? Watch Nolan Arenado play and it becomes awfully hard to argue against his status as an elite defender at the hot corner. Once he reigns in the errors (which aren’t really that bad anyway) he’ll easily be a slam dunk for the Gold Glove.

Seriously, is Nolan Arenado human?

Gold Glove Left Fielders: Colby Rasmus (AL) & Adam Duvall (NL)

Jeez, another obvious one. Do I even need to say anything here?

What’s that?

I do need to elaborate?

Alright…

I’ll start with a very bold declaration: Left field is one of the shallowest positions in baseball. There’s very few true superstars manning left field nowadays, and as a result the window has opened for less-heralded players to make a play for a Gold Glove.

(Also, yes I clearly hate the Royals. I know Alex Gordon is a great defender. Nobody is trying to deny that fact. But he’s missed time and he’s showing ever-so-slight signs of defensive decline. I’m just going to come out and say it: he’s overrated.)

Colby Rasmus is a terrific defender who takes a lot of heat because he’s not nearly the offensive talent everyone hoped he would become. Rasmus is a fairly average player from an eye-test standpoint. However, he’s yet to make an error in left field this season and has racked up an impressive 11 DRS while easily pacing AL left fielders in UZR and defensive rating.

And what makes his DRS and UZR totals more impressive? He’s done it in just 588.1 innings. To put that in context, Justin Upton has played 300 more innings in left field than Colby Rasmus yet Upton has exactly 0 DRS. Sure, his immaculate fielding percentage has probably been helped by playing fewer innings, but the advanced statistics indicate that he’s been nothing short of spectacular in left field. Gordon still has time to catch up, but right now Rasmus should be a no-brainer for the AL Gold Glove.

Ah yes, Adam Duvall.

Pictured above, in case you have no idea who Adam Duvall is.

I’ll be the first to admit this selection is surprising. Before delving into the statistics, I would’ve assumed athletic, speedy left fielders like Starling Marte or Christian Yelich would be leading the National League pack. And while both have been pretty good defensively, neither comes close to the impact of Adam Duvall in left field upon further inspection.

Duvall’s kept the errors in check (just four), while racking up DRS (13) and UZR (7.1), both of which easily lead the National League. Sure, you could look at Matt Holliday’s immaculate fielding percentage and make a case for the 36 year-old Cardinal. But come on, even St. Louis fans aren’t campaigning for a guy based off one statistic that doesn’t mean all that much. No, aggregating the entirety of available data indicates that Duvall owns strongest case for the NL Gold Glove, at least for the time being.

(P.S. I don’t believe either of these players stand a real chance of winning simply because they’re not remotely marquee talents and that will stupidly impact some voters)

Gold Glove Center Fielders: Kevin Pillar (AL) & Billy Hamilton (NL)

One of these races is going to be exhilarating down the stretch and filled with highlights from numerous stand-out defenders.

The other is the National League race.

It’s not so much that Billy Hamilton is running away with the award (though, if anyone could literally steal the award and run fast enough to avoid security, Billy Hamilton’s the obvious choice), it’s more that I don’t envision the closest contenders making any notable strides to close the gap. Billy Hamilton’s speed alone makes him a terrific defender and the two center fielders with the best statistical cases to compete for the award are the Braves’ Ender Inciarte and the Brewers’ Kirk Niewenhuis. Neither are even guaranteed regular playing time down the stretch. Ergo, Billy Hamilton wins because he should keep up his stellar play in a secured role and continue to expand his modest lead in DRS and UZR.

Now, the American League is one hell of a race.

Let’s list some of the regular center fielders in the AL: Mike Trout, Jackie Bradley Jr., Kevin Kiermaier, Lorenzo Cain, Byron Buxton (yes, he’s back in Triple A), Jacoby Ellsbury, and, last but not remotely close to least, Kevin Pillar.

That’s a lot of talent roaming center field in the Junior Circuit. Honestly, any one of those players could win the Gold Glove and I wouldn’t make much of a fuss. Still, I’m taking Pillar right now because of his extreme UZR discrepancy. He’s at or near the top of every important defensive statistic right now (fielding percentage, DRS, etc.), but his UZR lead is unbelievable. Lorenzo Cain is 2nd in the AL in UZR with a really good 9.6 rating. Kevin Pillar is sitting at 21.1. If I wanted too, I could easily make the case for Pillar as the best defender not just in center field, but in the entirety of the American League.

Spontaneous executive decision: I’m watching Kevin Pillar defensive highlights after I finish this.

Allow me to start the Pillar love-fest right now

Gold Glove Right Fielders: Adam Eaton (AL) & Jason Heyward (NL)

Right field is not a close race at the moment in either league.

Adam Eaton is the right field version of 2016 Kevin Pillar. He’s at the top of every defensive statistic and his UZR is off the charts (like, higher than Pillar off-the-charts). I mean, Eaton is having a down year offensively and he’s still owner of the eighth best WAR in the entire American League. His defense has been absolutely incredible and deserves to be recognized, even if we’re minimizing the stellar defensive efforts of Mookie Betts and George Springer in the process. Because Adam Eaton is that much better than the competition. If only we could say the same about the White Sox…

Oh yeah, speaking of right fielders that are having really disappointing offensive seasons…

Jason Heyward is not worth the contract he was awarded this offseason. He is overpaid and it’s not really debatable. However, if offensive statistics were ignored completely and defense became the only thing that mattered in baseball, Jason Heyward would be the National League MVP in a landslide.

Unfortunately for J-Hey that’s not the case.

Nevertheless, Jason Heyward is practically lapping the field this year for the Gold Glove. His DRS and defensive rating are both nearly double the next closest contender. And if you’re fatigued from dealing with advanced statistics, look at the old fashioned numbers. Jason Heyward hasn’t made an error for the Cubs this season.

If I were to build the perfect right fielder, it would look an awful lot like Heyward (though, I’d probably want Mookie Betts or Bryce Harper’s bat). He should win his fourth Gold Glove with ease.

So that’s where the Gold Glove races are as we head into the home stretch. Now I’m off to watch those Kevin Pillar highlights I mentioned earlier.

(All statistics referenced courtesy of fangraphs.com)

 

The ‘Stranger Things’ Soundtrack Won My Heart

Summer is a time so very often devoid of premier television programming. The major networks always wait until September or October to debut or return their keystone programming, setting up a battle royale for the nation’s attention. As a result, every new release stemming from June through August often goes unnoticed, with only true standouts able to garner the attention of the masses.

In past years, the summer has produced roughly one or two hit programs annually. Last year, USA Network’s Mr. Robot was the premier summer hit. USA also launched Suits, six years ago, to much acclaim, though relatively modest ratings. Netflix has also found significant summer success as a result of their spaced-out, movie studio-like release schedule. In recent years, Netflix’s summer has spawned the hit drama, Orange Is the New Black, and the animated cult-hit, BoJack Horseman (not to mention multiple decent programs). However, if you’re in search of a good CBS, NBC, or Fox program once the mainstays take their summer leave, you’ll be out of luck.

No, summer belongs to the less heralded programs, the ones introduced without much fanfare and renewed sporadically. Summer belongs to Stranger Things.

Yes, Netflix’s 80s-inspired, horror-drama hit has absolutely dominated the television conversation over the last few weeks. Boasting standout performances from a relatively unknown cast (not to mention the resurgence of Winona Ryder’s popularity), Stranger Things harkens back to the directors of old, the Spielbergs, Reiners, and Hugheses, to create an astounding and enthralling work of art. While the story is the key to Stranger Things‘s massive success, and it does work quite well, the show is undeniably nostalgia-driven.

Now, it’s foolish to breakdown every reference the Duffer Brothers attempted to sneak into their masterpiece. For one, there’s undoubtably several that will go unnoticed to all but the obsessive. More importantly, there’s already been numerous compilations highlighting Stranger Things‘s odes to Eighties cinema.

Rather, I would like to discuss the eclectic soundtrack of Netflix’s new hit program.

There’s numerous hit songs of the seventies and eighties used to score pivotal scenes from the onset. In the first episode, Jefferson Airplane’s “White Rabbit” and Toto’s “Africa” are busted out, both playing the part of well-selected hits that establish the tone of the show. Of course, The Clash’s “Should I Stay or Should I Go” is the highlight of the soundtrack, used on numerous occasions to establish a key plot-point in the early episodes and set up a fine call-back in the season finale. Looking throughout the entirety of the first season, the Duffer Brothers also include tracks like Modern English’s “I Melt With You” and Mykola Dmytrovych Leontovych’s “Carol of the Bells” to give the soundtrack a more expansive soundscape, while maintaining the delicate balance between campy and suspenseful. It’s a truly well-done soundtrack that could be poured over for several thousand words.

I’d like to focus on one particular track, though.

Trooper’s “Raise a Little Hell.”

If you’re not immediately recalling the scene that uses this track, go back and re-watch the second episode when Nancy and Barb arrive at Steve’s house for a tasteful get-together (roughly 30 minutes in). Don’t worry, I’ll wait.

…

Now that I’m sure you know what scene I’m referring to, and more importantly, the song itself, it’s time to offer my opinion on this particular soundtracking decision.

It was a really good one.

Alright, while I think it’s obvious that this was a really good choice, I guess I could explain my reasoning a bit. Allow me to break my defense of this choice into three equally important parts:

1. Popularity, or the lack thereof.

“Raise a Little Hell” is a perfect choice for this scene because of what it is not.

It is not a still-popular song that has found consistent airplay on classic rock radio, à la “Don’t Stop Believin'”. Hell, “Raise a Little Hell” wasn’t a terribly well-liked track when it was released in 1978, peaking at just 59th on the U.S. Hot 100. Also, it’s not from a band with any notoriety. Trooper is a Canadian rock group that only scored one Top 100 hit in the U.S. over the entirety of their existence. While they were fairly well-known in their home country, ultimately they proved too similar to the multitude of shined-up, pop-sensible rock bands of the 1970s to make a tangible global impression.

The low profile of the choice is remarkable. In an age where soundtracks typically go for obvious, lucrative partnerships with big label, big name artists, the Duffer Brothers found an instance where they could effectively choose an all-but-forgotten band and song, and pounced on the opportunity. I mean, Stranger Things included a song in their soundtrack with fewer than 250,000 plays on Spotify and a band with fewer than 50,000 monthly listeners. They went as far off the pop culture map as possible (without just creating a new song) for a five second soundbite. They put in work to arrive at this soundtrack choice and I respect the hell out of them for their effort.

2. The Fit

Here’s a quick ranking of the top five things where “fit” is most important:

1. Tailored suits
2. Adopting a pet (or human child, I suppose)
3. Soundtrack/scene pairing
4. High school cliques
5. Gloves (obviously)

As you can see, the fit between a soundtrack and scene is super important. Put the wrong music behind a poignant moment in a film and it can ruin the momentum of the action. Think about any movie (or commercial) that used Sarah McLachlan’s “Angel” over an emotional moment. I bet it ruined everything. It’s an okay song, don’t get me wrong, but it’s too overbearing to pair with any important scene. ASPCA commercials are about the only film pairing with which “Angel” belongs.

On the other hand, the perfect pairing allows for a director to mold the tone of important scenes in a way that can make a scene unforgettable. Badfinger’s “Baby Blue” made the series finale of Breaking Bad iconic. I can’t hear the Rolling Stones’ “Gimme Shelter” without thinking of Martin Scorsese films, particularly the opening scene to The Departed. And now, in the same way, I will forever be unable to listen to “Raise a Little Hell” without thinking about Steve Harrington’s voluptuous coif opening the door to, quite possibly, the most unexciting party in the history of modern film.

Seriously, I can’t think of a better selection for our beloved Steve’s theme song. A+.

3. “Raise a Little Hell” is Freakin’ Dope

Honestly, this song has long been one of my under-the-radar favorites and I’m so glad it’s finally been introduced to the masses. The harmonizing of the chorus is Journey-level catchy. They’ve got a keyboardist named Gogo. Plus, they’re Canadian and Canadians deserve more respect from the masses.

We’ve got a song encouraging mild anarchy being performed by a relatively unknown Canadian rock group. Take that, Canadian stereotypes painting our neighbors to the North as pacifistic and polite!

Deal with it

In conclusion, I’d like to personally thank the Duffer Brothers and everyone involved with Stranger Things for including a fun, relatively unknown classic in their first season. Hopefully they’ll work in Kim Mitchell’s “Go for Soda” in season two!

Corey Feldman Has Found His Calling

Alright, picture this.

It’s early June, 1985. You’re thirteen years old, sitting around in your Indiana Jones t-shirt, watching The Empire Strikes Back for the 90th time, and listening to Tears for Fears’ “Everybody Wants to Rule the World” on loop. Maybe, you’re even snacking on a bowl of Cookie Crisp because it’s pure, unadulterated sugar and you deserve it after putting up with an entire year of sixth grade history projects and book reports. In this particular moment, your thirteen year-old self is at total peace with the world.

And then mom gets back from the grocery store and the moment is gone forever.

Within seconds, you’re being scolded for watching tv and playing video games all day when your room’s a mess and the yard is in desperate need of a trim. So you spend your entire afternoon, time that should be wasted in relaxation because you’re only thirteen after all, doing chores for a measly allowance that everyone knows is probably unlawful in the eyes of numerous child labor statutes. And right around the time your contemplating the formation of an adolescent union to demand fair compensation for one’s household duties, your older brother gets home from his shift at Sears (he’s just a stock boy, but he’s hoping to get bumped to register duty in a few weeks).

So you drop the hedge clippers (what’s the point of hedges anyway?) and run to catch your brother before he gets inside.

“Hey, did you get it?” you ask, eyeing the paper bag in his hand anxiously.

“Where’s the money?” he responds, pulling the bag away from your grimy, outstretched fingers.

Without hesitation, you reach into your pocket and pull out a crumpled five dollar bill.

“Take it,” he says, grabbing the money and tossing the bag in your general direction.

Ravenously, you tear open the bag while walking inside, revealing the new issue of “X-Men,” still in its protective plastic cover.

So you spend the next hour, hedge clippers unmoved from the lawn, pouring over the latest escapades of Professor X and his gifted pupils until your mother finally calls for dinner.

At the table, eating the most wholesome meal imaginable and definitely not a TV dinner, your brother lays out his plans for the evening. Nothing all that notable, he informs your parents of his intentions to see a movie with his friends on this fine evening. By this point, you’ve pretty much tuned out of the conversation, but are brought back to attention when your father remarks, “Why don’t you take [your name] with you?”

Immediately thoughts of Atari vanish from your brain, as you recognize you’re actually involved in this boring conversation now. Despite ardent protests from your brother, within the hour you’re sitting in the passenger seat of his Pinto on the way to the local Cineplex.

Upon arrival, you’re promptly abandoned by your brother and forced to attend a screening alone (tragic). Scanning the board to see what’s playing, you eventually settle on a title and proceed to appropriate theater, grabbing a box of Milk Duds along the way (they were out of Peanut M&M’s).

Roughly two hours later, you stumble out of the theater, armed to the teeth with fresh references like “Hey, you gu-uys,” “I’m setting booty traps,” and “Do the Truffle Shuffle!” You may not realize it at the time, but you’ve just watched the quintessential film of the decade.

And deep in your heart, you know that Mouth (AKA Corey Feldman), whom you vaguely recall from that Gremlins movie you watched a few months back, is a future star who’s going to produce stand out films for decades to come.

Flash forward to the present day.

Almost two months ago, that seminal classic, The Goonies, celebrated its 31st anniversary.

Looking back on the cast, it’s not tough to find a few actors still making their presence felt in Hollywood. Josh Brolin (Brand) starred in the Coen Brothers’ Hail Caesar a few short months ago. Sean Astin (Mikey) is the voice of Raphael on the current Lego Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles animated program. Martha Plimpton (Stef) is bouncing from sitcom to sitcom, currently starring on ABC’s The Real O’Neals. And, of course, Joe Pantoliano (Francis Fratelli) is still hanging around the fringes of the Hollywood mainstream, with over a hundred film credits to his name.

And where is the fast-talking, scene-stealing Corey Feldman now?

Well, in the last year he’s voiced a recurring character alongside Sean Astin in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and recently released a ridiculously insignificant horror flick, Intrusion: Disconnected. But more importantly, June 22, 2016 marked the release of one of the year’s defining musical masterpieces: Corey Feldman’s third full length album, Angelic 2 the Core: Angelic Funkadelic / Angelic Rockadelic.

Now, if you’re like most, you probably didn’t even realize that Feldman had released a new album a little over a week ago. I mean, the mainstream, musical elite like Rolling Stone and Pitchfork don’t want to advertise for independently released artists residing outside the music industry establishment. Thankfully, this champion of the people and musical connisuere has discovered the sound of 2016.

Sure, there’s been a plethora of great music through the first seven months of the year, but nothing quite encapsulates the modern psyche quite like Angelic 2 the Core: Angelic Funkadelic / Angelic Rockadelic (Man, what a great title).

It’s bold. It’s brash. It challenges the establishment. It’s also messy. It lacks a message. It’s erratic and senseless. It’s terrifying. It’s a plane crashing into a train that’s crashing into a bus that’s filled to the brim with rabies-stricken mongooses. It’s the musical equivalent of equine feces. It is 2016.

Want a taste of Feldman’s brilliance? Look no further than the lead single, “Ascension Millennium.” (Also, do yourself a favor and read the video description that was clearly written by Feldman himself). It’s chock full of lyrical brilliance, such as “Giving peace and giving love, like the feathers of a dove” or “Our souls are held captive no more, like opening a magic door.” Feldman’s poetic wordsmanship is akin to Lennon-McCartney in 1967. Adele’s got nothing on the former Stand by Me star.

Move past the lyrics, though. Listen to the Snoop Dogg collaboration, “Go 4 It!” With a piano note intro reminiscent of Wiz Khalifa’s “See You Again,” followed by a drop worthy of an unreleased Skrillex demo, the track is a banger through and through. Not a fan of 2012 hip-hop remixes? Try “Seamless,” a track featuring Limp Bizkit’s Fred Durst and a horn-and-guitar riff that would feel right at home on a Bruno Mars album. If one thing is absolutely certain regarding Corey Feldman’s musical career, it’s that he’s not afraid of failure.

He’s also clearly averse to success, if his new album is any indication.

At least he’s got top notch album artwork…

Alas, the tale of Corey Feldman is just another in an incredibly long line of failed child actors. Drugs, death, a continuous battle with sobriety, and ultimately, a destroyed career.

But at least he’s still putting himself out there. Even if his latest project is ghastly enough to make one’s self physically ill with just a solitary listen, he still gets points for trying. However, please DO NOT BOTHER with this album unless you absolutely hate yourself.

This has been Stars of the Eighties: Where Are They Now? As always, if you don’t already know what happened to a long forgotten entertainer, assume they’re toiling away on something unworthy of anyone’s money or time.

The Lord of the Rings: NBA Edition

Ages ago, in a land foreign to all but the most elite, there was a time of prosperity. Across the farthest reaches of civilization, every man could work their way to success with perseverance and cooperation. But alas, all good things must end and evil forces did arise to destroy the land, led by an almighty King.

In the time after the fall of Lord Jordan’s Kingdom in the City of Wind and the end of the Kobe & Shaquille alliance in Lakertopia, the realm became a raging battle between multiple armies, all vying for the throne. While Lord Wade recruited the former King O’Neal, their rule was brief. The long simmering Army of the Spurs lashed out and seized control before retreating back to their desert kingdom. The suffering Lords Garnett, Pierce, and Allen then aligned to charge at the crown, before King Mamba, reinvigorated from his days as Kobe, resurrected Lakertopia from the ashes of desolation. However, through this constant shift in power in the land, a dark alliance had formed between Lord Wade and the most powerful force the kingdom had ever witnessed.

In the year of reckoning, 2012, the alliance led by the wicked King James came to power and the rest of the kingdom shuttered in fear, for the dark lord had arrived to dominate with a hand of sheer destruction. His kingdom, while not impervious to siege, had clearly brought James into a rarefied class of ruler.

And then, to combat the all-powerful James as he laid waste to the land, Prince Curry, in the long-forgotten Golden State, banded together with Lords Thompson and Green to concoct an army that could dethrone the omnipotent King James. Yet, when they attacked and swept across the land with a fury unbeknownst to the kingdom since the long-past Days of Jordan, they found that even their impressive Strength in Numbers was no match for the sheer presence of James and his faithful Cavaliers of Domination. Humbled and weakened by their defeat, the Warriors of Golden State found themselves at a loss and seemed ready to cede control of the land to King James for eternity.

That is, until the Warriors were approached by a powerful knight from the desolate wasteland of Oklahoma, who pledged to join their still-powerful army in another attempt to thwart the rule of James. However, in adding Sir Durant to Golden State’s forces, an unforeseen shift in the opinion of the commoners in the land did occur. Fearing a new dictatorship from the Warriors in the West, the commoners looked at Golden State, not as saviors, but as a new enemy equal to that of their mighty King.

And so it was that the peoples from across the land, regardless of long-standing tensions, began to organize in secret and develop a plot to destroy the powerful armies in the East and West.

But what men could stand up to such a task?

A Fellowship was proposed, uniting the people of the land in their quest for liberation. To prepare the travelers for their daunting journey, the council of the wise elected Carlisle the Graying leader of the Fellowship. The great wizard then set forth to scour the kingdom in search of the noblest and bravest to conquer the powers of evil.

Traveling to the cold North, Carlisle sought out Karl-Anthony Towns, King of the Wolves of Timber, to front the party. The young king, with a growing army of forces, gracefully accepted the Wizard’s request and began a recruitment stage of his own.

Meanwhile, Carlisle continued on his quest, traveling to the fallen Lakertopia. Arriving in the once-great City of Angels, Carlisle sought out the young warrior, D’Angelo Russell, an over-confident gunner with “ice in his veins.” While not an ideal choice for such an important task, Carlisle felt assured that the thirst to bring his people back to their former glory would motivate and focus the arrogant Russell.

Traveling on, the Wizard crossed many a land before arriving at the foot of another fallen empire, the Celtics of Bostonia. Meeting with the Celt High Council, Carlisle found a hard-nosed, gritty warrior with a nasty Napoleon Complex, Jae Crowder, a man not only with terrific work ethic, but with motivation to bring an end to the glory of Sir Durant of Golden State. While not overly fond of the youngster Russell, due to a long-standing hatred between the two peoples, Crowder put aside past differences to focus on the present threats throughout the realm.

Last, Carlisle traveled to the New City of York to seek the formerly great warrior, Sir Derrick Rose. Cast out of his rightful kingdom after many starved, disappointing years, Rose fled to York to train and band together with other past legends of battle, such as King Melo and Joakim of Arc. However, intrigued by the Wizard’s proposition, Rose agreed to meet the rest of the Company in a hope of finding an even better “super-army” to fight alongside.

Setting the final meeting for preparation in the October of Reckoning, Carlisle assembled his warriors in the mountains of Colorado under the lights of the oft-deserted Pepsi Palace. Armed with Russell, Crowder, and Rose, the Company awaited their soft-spoken leader, Towns.

Arriving at dusk, King Towns approached the Company with four small men from the Southwest. With much suspense, Towns unveiled his slight-of-stature soldiers as Men of the Sun, hailing from the arid land of Phoenix. One by one, the Suns introduced themselves: cousins Tyler Ulis, Devin Booker, and Eric Bledsoe of the Wildcat bloodline and close friend, Brandon Knight (ironically, not an actual knight). The men, none taller than even the smallest of the others in the Fellowship, were clearly young and unprepared for the harrows of battle, but King Towns insisted that what they lacked in size, they would more than compensate for with heart.

Setting out on their long journey across the land, the Fellowship traveled far and wide, dispelling attacks from the local tribes in order to reach the land of the King. Arriving in the long-forgotten city of Louis the Saint, the party was forced to disperse, much to their dismay, with Sir Rose succumbing to injury and sadly fading into oblivion, though leaving words of encouragement for young Bledsoe.

The Fellowship disbanded, Bledsoe and his faithful friend Booker proceeded towards the dark Kingdom of Cleveland with Westbrook, the saboteur, in close pursuit. Meanwhile, Ulis and Knight, abandoned from the others, were forced to travel lonesome southward, armed with little in means of defense. All the while, Towns led Russell and Crowder north to his kingdom to unite the Wolves of Timber and prepare for the oncoming army of Golden State.

Gathering and galvanizing the armies of Minnesota, King Towns and his followers marched south along the River of Mississippi, preparing for battle with the massive Warrior army, or Dub Nation, as it had come to be known.

Outnumbered and untested in battle, Towns’ army began to fear defeat as Lord Curry, Sir Durant, and the rest of Golden State’s forces rapidly approached. Little did Towns know that his tiny warriors, Ulis and Knight, had found refuge in the South, marching forward with the ancient, mighty army of the Spurs. Flanking the cannons and sharp-shooting archers of the Warriors army, Ulis, Knight, and the Spurs arrived just as King Towns’ defenses were about to collapse. Working in unison, a reinvigorated Towns and the Spurs soft-spoken ruler, Kawhi, were able to narrowly defeat the Warriors army, releasing the West from terror. With one army of darkness dispelled, the Spurs forces calmly retreated to their homeland of San Antonio, while Towns led the remains of his forces to the gates of The Land.

With the small Wolves army gathered at the Gates of the King, the almighty James directed his powerful forces, led by Dark Riders, Kyrie and Love, to conquer the debilitated and outnumbered forces of King Towns.

Yet in focusing on attack from the West, King James made a fatal mistake, ignoring events transpiring from the East. For Bledsoe and Booker, united by friendship and driven by duty, had traversed around the edges of Cleveland and approached from the vulnerable Eastern entrance. Storming into the Larry O’Brien Tower, where the Rings of James resided, a hobbled Bledsoe approached with an endgame at last in sight.

Alas, the saboteur emerged and overpowered the weakened Bledsoe, seizing the Rings for his own. Facing the possibility of a more terrifying ruler coming to power, slender Booker mustered his courage, drew his weapon, and unleashed a vicious attack on the beastly Westbrook. Seizing the Rings and vanquishing the tenacious and betrayed Westbrook once and for all, the source of King James’s power was stolen and his terrifying reign came to an end, though resounding finality could not be accomplished, as the primal power of James can never truly disappear.

Exhausted, the brave Suns returned to King Towns, whose forces were able to overpower King James’ following Bledsoe and Booker’s heroics. Faced with an opportunity to establish his own empire, the noble King Towns opted to divide the Rings amongst the land and promote prosperity throughout the realm before returning to his Northern kingdom.

And last, but certainly not least, the valorous and diminutive Suns returned to their quiet Phoenix while peace, parity, and tranquility reigned supreme.

The End.

The Beatles Perfectly Encapsulate Current American Politics in Three Minutes

The United States is currently broiling in record heat across most of the Midwest. Sitting in a “heat dome,” basically every state touching the Mississippi River is experiencing the hottest temperatures of the year (and high humidity to boot) as rain has become a foreign concept temporarily. I stepped outside this afternoon and immediately felt like bearded Ron Burgundy in Anchorman.

While relief may not seem to be on the horizon for those affected by the sweltering, wretched curse of the Sun, I’m told that I will indeed stop sweating at some point in the near future.

I’m not sure I believe that.

You see, it’s easy to panic. The human race is conditioned to worry, and for very good reason. I mean, when you’re ancestors were avoiding impending death in the form of wild beasts, constantly evolving disease, and one another, that paranoia tends to be passed down. The United States is no different from the rest of the world. From British totalitarianism through total economic collapse, from Pearl Harbor to McCarthyism, the U.S. has basically operated like Mad-Eye Moody, and to great prosperity and success. Yet, the unfortunate consequence of this paranoid mindset is a developed tendency to envision disaster in every current event, making news broadcasts seem like apocalypse predictions to a significant portion of the population.

Is it possible “Ghostbusters II” predicted the end of the world??

So why am I still sweating if I’m aware the vast majority of the perilous stories peddled by the media will amount to a minimal effect on my personal well-being? Because I’m legitimately frightened the 2016 Presidential Race could have a significant, negative impact on major aspects of my life.

Boasting Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton as the frontrunners in a laughably terrifying race for the White House, and paired with an extremely disgruntled and polarized general population, the United States is at a pivotal political crossroads, arguably on par with that of the late Sixties. If I’m not mistaken, the response in 1968 was to hand over a divided nation to Richard Nixon and hope for the best. We don’t really have a stellar track record of making reasoned decisions under pressure over the last sixty years.

I know what you’re thinking by now: what does this have to do with the Beatles? Let me explain.

Since earlier this week, when I heard the first song from Tom Morello’s new outfit, “Prophets of Rage” by Prophets of Rage (look at that shameless Bad Company ripoff), I’ve been contemplating the best protest songs over the years. Of course I considered the great Bob Dylan tracks of the Sixties, “Blowin’ in the Wind,” “The Times They Are a-Changin’,” etc., but I also thought about Creedence Clearwater Revival’s “Fortunate Son,” Buffalo Springfield’s “For What It’s Worth,” CSN&Y’s “Ohio,” Public Enemy’s “Fight the Power,” Rage Against the Machine’s entire discography, and Edwin Starr’s “WAR,” (among others), before sifting through my Beatles catalog.

Every protest song, especially those of the late Sixties, remain painfully relevant in their subject matter and tone. However, the perfect protest song to represent the events occurring in today’s United States is a track released in 1968 off The White Album by the Beatles: “Revolution.”

Allow me to show my work with a line-by-line breakdown of the Beatles’ hit single:

“You say you want a revolution. Well, you know, we all want to change the world.”

Lyrically referencing both political parties, 2016 has witnessed the rise of revolutions on both sides of the aisle by voters. While the attempted coup on the Democrat establishment was long and hard-fought, the newest generation of voters was ultimately unable to fully overthrow the current leadership and Bernie Sanders was forced to concede defeat (though the Left must now be painfully aware of the political feelings of the educated millennial generation). Meanwhile, the GOP ceded defeat yesterday against the middle-class, fear-and-xenophobia-induced revolution from the new Right by announcing Donald Trump as the Republican nominee for the presidency. While many Americans are divided on social and economic issues, nearly everyone has fallen in line with the revolution mentality sweeping the nation.

“You tell me that it’s evolution. Well, you know, we all want to change the world.”

See above.

“But when you talk about destruction, don’t you know that you can count me out.”

Here’s where the Beatles begin their oppositional stance towards Mr. Trump. Taking cues from the liberal-leaning American population, the Beatles denounce the proposed bombings in the Middle East. However, reading into this lyric, you can notice that the subtext also disavows the hinted intentions of Trump to remove the United States from global organizations like the United Nations. Not only do John, Paul, George, and Ringo oppose literal destruction abroad, but they also want the GOP to “count [them] out” of the potential “destruction” of global coalitions to which the United States belongs.

“You say you got a real solution. Well, you know, we’d all love to see the plan.”

A common criticism of political candidates amongst the general population is the tendency for prospective politicians to offer primarily sentiment while avoiding detailed descriptions of their intentions or execution of proposed plans. Here, the Beatles return their attention to the whole of major party politics in the United States, criticizing both Trump’s ability to outline a plan beyond “we’re going to build a wall and Mexico’s going to pay for it,” and the lack of a defined platform proposing significant changes to the current political landscape from Hillary Clinton. Clearly, the Beatles want more information than they’re being given, as do many American citizens.

Chris Traeger is literally just another typical politician. 

“You ask me for a contribution. Well, you know, we’re all doing what we can.”

Here, we witness a thinly veiled jab at the political campaigns of Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton. While the Beatles may have the capital to endorse the political candidate of their choosing, they recognize that the vast majority of their fans are insulted by wealthy individuals like Trump and Clinton begging for donations from the middle class. In response, they take the given opportunity to speak out against the top 1%’s shameless solicitation of America’s populace.

“But if you want money for people with minds that hate, all I can tell you is “buddy, you’ll have to wait.”

Again, the Beatles direct their attention towards Mr. Trump. Unafraid to protest openly against the Republican presidential candidate, the Fab Four openly refer to the former Apprentice host as a person with a mind that hates. While this could be referencing a number of Trump stances, I would assume the Beatles are particularly focusing on the xenophobic leanings of the Donald regarding Muslims and Mexicans. Through this lyric, the Beatles respond with a resounding “NO” to Trump’s earlier pleas for campaign funding.

“You say you’ll change the Constitution. Well, you know, we all want to change your head.”

For the first time, the Beatles seem to nod towards the Left more than the Right with a lyric. While this line is a little vague, I would assume they’re referencing the ongoing attempts of far Left activists to revoke or scale back the scope of the Second Amendment. While this line could also refer to recent passing of laws protecting the rights of the homosexual and transexual community, the previous criticism of Mr. Trump would make this an odd shift in political leaning for the Fab Four.

That’s cool, Nic. Just stay away from the Constitution.

“You tell me it’s the institution. Well, you know, you’d better free your mind instead.”

Yeah, the Beatles’ buzz is starting to wear off by now. Their attention span has dissipated (typical millennials) and now the group seems to be encouraging a nationwide “high” in an effort to calm the ongoing tension across the country.

“But if you go carrying pictures of Chairman Mao, you ain’t gonna make it with anyone, anyhow.”

Oh yeah, this song came out in the Sixties, not recently. Also, if you’re carrying pictures of Chairman Mao, it’s a little weird at this point. Might want to update your wallet with a picture of Vladimir Putin or Kim Jong-un.

And lastly,

“Don’t you know it’s gonna be alright.”

The reprise heard throughout the song emphasizes the necessity for optimism in such tumultuous times. It’s a much needed sentiment that offers hope for a brighter future at the end of these dark times. How poetic.

In conclusion, the Beatles’ “Revolution” is the perfect song to encapsulate current events in the United States, particularly regarding the upcoming presidential election. They truly were ahead of their time.

Finding a Musical Comparison for the Golden State Warriors

The NBA and hip-hop culture are pretty obviously intertwined. I mean, since Allen Iverson, nearly 80% of NBA players (I made that number up) have embraced the lifestyle most commonly associated with hip-hop, at least in the media. Think J.R. Smith. That’s the extreme of this relationship, at present.

Also, ignore Jimmy Butler’s country music warm-up playlist that is absolute trash. He’s an oddity, an outlier, and quite frankly an embarrassment to the Chicago Bulls franchise. Okay, that last part was a little much. But the point remains: the vast majority of NBA players enjoy hip-hop music more than any other genre, with a select few even pursuing rap careers in the offseason.

But I’m not here to talk about hip-hop.

Rather, I want to talk about our new overlords, the Golden State Warriors, and the musical comp for the ages. And that comp lies solidly within the realm of classic rock royalty.

I’m sorry Dubs super-fans, Smash Mouth, but you’re not in the running.

I only approach this topic because I was privy to a Twitter debate this afternoon regarding the subject. The whole exchange was founded behind a dimwitted, flawed, and thoroughly lazy comparison of the new-look Warriors to the Beatles. Foolish.

For one, who amongst the Warriors “Big Four” plays the role of Ringo in this scenario? Ringo was an anomaly in a group of larger-than-life rockstars who often fell victim to countless jokes from his bandmates. I just can’t see the rest of the Warriors ganging up to clown one of their stars in press conferences regularly. It simply doesn’t make any sense.

Now, it’s time for me to open up to a world of criticism (and possibly a few unsubscribes) by stating an absolute opinion that truly rules out the Beatles-Dubs comparison: If the Warriors boast the greatest all-around assemblage of talent the NBA has ever seen, their musical comparison must be of equal talent relative to their musical competition. And that is not the Beatles.

Don’t get me wrong, the Beatles boast four incredible (fabulous?) musicians. However, they are more 2014 Spurs than new-look Warriors. The Spurs were one of the best all-around basketball squads ever, but failed to boast any true superstars. Their main players (Duncan, Parker, Ginobili, and Kawhi) were all very good, but it was the coalescence of their fundamental skill-sets that amounted to world domination.

The same could be said of the Beatles. John Lennon was a terrific vocalist, but he wasn’t on the same level of a Freddie Mercury. Paul McCartney was also an amazing all-around musician, but he failed to succeed in grand fashion at any particular instrument (though the Lennon-McCartney songwriting duo is clearly unparalleled). George Harrison was a groundbreaking guitarist and technically proficient while still playing with freedom and soul, but he’s not in the same elite tier of Clapton or Hendrix or Eddie Van Halen. And Ringo, while being the backbone for the most popular musical outfit in all of history, is nowhere near the upper echelon of drummers like Keith Moon or Neil Peart.

No, as great as the Beatles are, their individual talents do not quite add up to an equal worthy of comparison to the Golden State Warriors.

So who’s the better comp?

Well, I’ve given a bit of thought to that. First, I’ve narrowed the contenders to quartets, as that’s essentially how the Warriors will be viewed. So then, what great four-pieces seem to potentially vie for this honorary, pointless status?

Queen makes an interesting case, but are not quite talented enough top-to-bottom to encapsulate the Warriors. Pink Floyd is interesting, but I don’t foresee the required dissension among Curry and Durant to warrant this comparison. I really want to make the Warriors the equals of the Who, but I’m not sure the member-to-player breakdowns would make as much sense as my winner.

No, the musical comparison for the Golden State Warriors is…Led Zeppelin!

Okay, this may be too high of praise for the Warriors. I mean, Led Zeppelin is the greatest band of all time (don’t fight me on this). I don’t want to jump the gun and declare the Warriors the greatest team of all time (I’ve almost made that mistake once, after all) because they haven’t played a minute of basketball together. Still, the collection of talent between the two is uncanny, especially in how the players perfectly equate to their musical counterparts.

Let’s break this down:

First, let’s get the obvious out of the way: Kevin Durant is Jimmy Page. Page left the Yardbirds (a terrific band in their own right *cough* Thunder *cough*) to lead a new death squad that would conquer music with unabashed swagger and heavenly sounds. See the KD parallel? Also, Jimmy Page is one of a handful of elite guitarists in history with an all-around mastery of the instrument. Jimmy Page was phenomenal because he mastered every aspect of his craft. Kevin Durant is climbing the ranks of NBA legends because he can score in every way imaginable and shows versatility on the defense end. Kevin Durant is the NBA’s Jimmy Page and it’s not up for debate.

I’m fairly certain Durant would play 12 string, FWIW

Now, who amongst the Warriors takes on the role of Robert Plant? Well, that would be Sir Draymond Green (he’s been knighted, right?) playing the part of the exuberant vocal leader of the Warriors. Robert Plant is a terrific frontman because he possesses the necessary swagger, not because he’s an otherworldly vocalist (but he’s still pretty good). Robert Plant was unique in his time. Draymond shares the swagger of Plant, but likewise is not special regarding pure talent. Draymond is the idiosyncratic star of the Warriors equal to that of the Golden God, Robert Plant.

Klay Thompson is John Paul Jones because he is a near-lock to be unappreciated in his own time. It took a few awesome games in the playoffs for casual fans to recognize how awesome and quietly ruthless Klay remains. Among bassists, I think it’s fair to say John Paul Jones was continually ignored as a result of background greatness when compared to his more exciting bandmates. Nevertheless, John Paul Jones had to chug along in the background with rock-solid baselines holding “Ramble On” and “Over the Hills and Far Away.” The flash factor isn’t there, but you can’t argue with the results produced by Klay and JPJ.

Lastly, Stephen Curry is the Warriors’ equivalent of John Bonham (though, hopefully without the tragic end). Bonham is one of the greatest drummers in rock history, much in the same way Curry is the greatest shooter the NBA has ever seen. Also, John Bonham destroyed songs, and the hope of lesser bands equaling Zeppelin, with the same ferocity and regardlessness for human life that Curry encapsulates when he goes full Super Saiyan and starts pulling up from 35 feet just to obliterate the confidence of his lesser competitors.

I don’t know what I meant to accomplish by writing this, but hopefully someone finds value in knowing, without a doubt, that the new Golden State Warriors are the basketball equivalent of Led Zeppelin. Feel free to borrow some of the finer points outlined above when drunkenly debating the NBA in December as the Dubs lay waste to the competition.

“Going to California with destruction in my heart…”

Valar Morghulis: Dissecting the Latest Game of Thrones News

The long winter approaches, and with it comes anguish and torment.

That’s right, just three weeks removed from the Season Six finale of Emmy-winning, world-dominating hit, Game of Thrones, the first sign of reality has reared its ugly, Hound-like mug.

Buried among the celebration for the program’s 23 Emmy nominations, the most dire news has echoed throughout the realm:

Season Seven of Game of Thrones will not air until the summer of 2017.

Okay, so it’s not the Earth-shattering calamity that some diehard fans seem to believe, but it is a somber reminder that winter is indeed coming, not only in Winterfell, but in reality as well.

Here’s the full scoop, courtesy of Varys himself: Thrones will not return for almost a full calendar year, which will mark the latest season premier in the show’s history (this year’s season previously held that distinction with an April 24th premier). Season Seven will also be reduced from the standard ten episodes to a seven episode run (coincidentally in the show’s seventh season). And perhaps most importantly, there remains no confirmation of more Game of Thrones beyond 2017.

Now, let’s break this down piece by piece to fully understand the circumstances facing House Fandom.

First, like Abed Nadir of Dan Harmon’s Community once remarked, referencing the business of television: “It’s been moved to midseason. That’s never a good sign.”

Yes, traditionally a program’s season premiere being pushed back is a death omen that can send fans into a panic, hoping for Melisandre or Hulu to revive the show. However, Thrones fans do not have as much reason for despair as would traditionally be warranted by this news.

Quite simply, the only reason Thrones is being pushed back is to accommodate a more suitable filming schedule for the cast and crew. To be fair, winter has arrived in the Seven Kingdoms and it’s fair to assume the show-runners are aware of the changing necessities for filming the program as a result. With fewer scenes to film in temperate conditions and an increasing need for snowy, cold backdrops, it makes too much sense to push back filming and attempt to find these conditions organically.

Also, it’s fair to assume that a few important cast members might have requested the elongated break to pursue projects outside of the fantasy juggernaut. After all, if the cast is smart, they’ll recognize they could be written out of the show (for good) at any point and would need new projects to fall back on.

Yeah, this worked out well.

All told, it sucks that fans will have to wait longer than normal for their fix of “Daenerys & Friends Fight the Establishment,” but it’s not all that important. It’s not like fans are going to stop watching because they’re missing out on a few balmy Sunday nights outdoors. In fact, this is likely more devastating for fans of HBO’s Silicon Valley and Veep, which have followed HBO’s premier program for the entirety of their run and might suffer from lower ratings now that they won’t be receiving Thrones runoff. Even then, HBO’s comedic giants are huge enough to stand on their own by now.

Now, the reduction of episodes is both a non-issue and worrisome. On one hand, losing three episodes shouldn’t matter a whole lot, because the seven episodes that will delivered are likely to run much longer (maybe even a full half hour more) than a typical episode. In fact, one could look at this reduction as a positive, in that Thrones will only control everyone’s lives for seven Sundays, rather than the traditional ten (although, it’s altogether possible some fans will resent having three extra nights without predetermined plans). But most importantly, fans worried that they won’t receive the same amount of Thrones next year should probably stop sweating because the total runtime is unlikely to change, even with a reduction.

However! All is not well in the realm, for the Targaryen fleet sailing to Winterfell not only signals war and murder on the horizon, but also the inevitable end for the premier program in HBO’s storied history. And a shortened season is just the first indication of impending finality. Very rarely are episode orders reduced without a coming series finale in sight. In fact, the only notable instance that could offer hope is Season Four of The Office (U.S.), which was reduced from 23 to 14 episodes, but also held longer episodes and saw the show return to standard season orders afterwards. While it’s possible HBO could have a similar vision for Game of Thrones, I doubt that’s the reality.

Which brings us to the last, most unnerving bit of information currently surrounding Game of Thrones: Season Eight is still unconfirmed. Plenty of shows, throughout the history of television, have decreased episode orders in their final seasons. What if that’s what HBO is doing with Season Seven of Thrones?

Okay, I don’t actually believe that 2017 is the year the White Walkers finally overrun Winterfell and end the show in the most depressing way possible, with only Varys and Samwell Tarly prescient enough to escape across the Narrow Sea beforehand (should that prediction become reality, remember you read it here first). Simply put, the show is too important for HBO to abandon it at the moment. Season Six witnessed another increase in the show’s ratings. Like Breaking Bad, I suspect Game of Thrones ends with a gargantuan fanbase hanging onto every word in every episode right to the end. It just doesn’t appear likely that HBO would ride the show into a “jump the shark” moment and then keep on chugging along in an obvious cash-grab. When the epic, sprawling storylines of Thrones finally intersect all-at-once, expect HBO to get out at the perfect moment.

Is it possible that 2017 brings together Bran and Jon Snow, Arya and Sansa Stark, Petyr Bealish and Cersei, the Hound and the Mountain, Jaime and Tyrion, Daenerys and the White Walkers, Varys and the Iron Borne, and of course, Lady Mormont and the Throne?

Sure, seven elongated episodes could theoretically tie together all these storylines and come to a resolution. In fact, until an eighth season is confirmed, fans should assume this to be the case, just as a precaution. However, the show-runners have been careful to take their time and tell a proper story, regardless of any time considerations. With so many characters searching for an end to their story arc, it would be a terrifying endeavor to wrap up so many loose ends across seven measly episodes. Expect an Eighth Season, but be wary for everyday that goes by without confirmation.

Lastly, Game of Thrones fans need to recognize that the end is nigh for one of the most popular programs to ever grace the small screen. Fewer episodes and longer layoffs between season confirmations almost always point to the twilight of a show’s run. Come 2018, there’s a solid possibility television fans will be mourning one of the more incredible television events in the history of premium cable programming.

If there’s one take away that the legion of GOT fans should garner from today, it’s this: cherish every remaining episode of Game of Thrones, for just like Lord Tywin Lannister, we may never expect the end until it’s staring us in the face with a crossbow while our pants hang around our ankles. Such is the cruelty of George R.R. Martin and television executives.

“Oh, look at that! I’ve been impaled!”

Black Sabbath Goes Pop or: How to Ditch Post-Grunge and Love the Blues-y Future of Rock

Ok, so rock and roll is not dead. It’s not going to die, either. Despite the doomsday predictions of cynics that simply hate the glorification of sex, drugs, and wait every genre talks about the same material that rock music does.

Go on…

Rock and roll is ingrained into modern culture to the point where television series like the recently cancelled Vinyl from HBO, Showtime’s Roadies, and FX’s Sex&Drugs&Rock&Roll are all the rage in the high-end cable programming market. However, what is often referenced as “rock music” (perhaps correctly) refers almost exclusively to the classics released decades ago.

The Rolling Stones, The Who, Lynyrd Skynyrd, Boston, The Beatles, Jimi Hendrix, and Led Zeppelin are the names synonymous with the term “rock,” but the moniker hasn’t been limited in use to only those hard rock bands of the 1960s and 70s. Rather, any music dominated by guitar riffs (distorted, preferably) and uptempo drumbeats are still referred to as “rock.” And as a result, official charts like Billboard and Mediabase still lump together modern guitar-heavy songs under the “rock” label (though, alternative charts also showcase some contemporary guitar-driven musicians).

I’ve rambled a bit so far, but trust me, I do have a point.

Over the course of the last few years, airplay for new “rock” groups on traditional radio stations (still the best way to monitor new music, in my opinion) have witnessed a notable decline. Following alternative and rock radio trends daily on Kworb.net, I’ve noticed that alternative music, the cousin (and chief competitor) to rock radio, has been subject to a sharp spike in popularity over the last five years, while rock has oscillated between small declines and stagnation.

Take this for example:

Five years ago today, eleven songs garnered at least 1,000 spins per day on alternative radio stations in the United States, with “Pumped Up Kicks” (remember that?) holding the number one spot at 1,846 spins nationwide. Flash forward to the present and the alternative chart currently boasts eighteen songs with at least 1,000 spins, with the number one spot held by the ageless Blink-182’s “Bored to Death,” sitting on an impressive 3,167 spins over the last 24 hours. It doesn’t take a top-notch market analyst (thankfully) to recognize that alternative radio is on the rise, and most of the growth has been fueled by newer groups like twenty one pilots, Bastille, Fitz & the Tantrums, and AWOLNATION.

“Stressed Out” by twenty one pilots is too real

For accurate comparison, look no further than the same statistics for rock radio over the same time span. Five years ago today, ten active rock songs garnered 1,000 spins, with Adelitas Way’s “Sick” pacing the competition with 1,956 spins. Today, only eight songs are currently pulling 1,000 spins or more. The current active rock number one, “Dark Necessities” by the immortal Red Hot Chili Peppers, is topping out at 2,050 spins, but the “spin-crease” for number one songs in the rock genre is nowhere close to that of the alternative chart.

Here’s the thing with new rock music’s lack of growth: rock stations in the United States, as dictated by their listener base, are being forced to rely more heavily on a catalog of hits from years prior and abandon the focus on promoting new records. That’s not the way radio is meant to operate, unless it’s an “oldies” station and it spells an end to modern rock’s popularity in the mainstream.

So what can be done to salvage rock radio stations from a seemingly predestined fade into oblivion akin to that of Album-Oriented Radio decades ago (AOR: the founders of the term “Classic Rock”)?

Me too, Ozzy. Now back to your “Sounds of the Eighties” station.

Well, the answer seems fairly obvious, in my estimation. It’s time to ditch “new” songs that rely on the post-grunge soundscape. The old giants of the genre (Godsmack, Breaking Benjamin, Three Days Grace, etc.) continue to rely on the same generic, grinding, metal-lite formula that vaunted their success in the late 90s and early 2000s. As great as “I Hate Everything About You” was over a decade ago, we’ve all been exposed to multiple songs imitating the same lyrical tone and power-chord driven sludge for far too long, with little variation to find reprieve within.

But lo and behold! There are a bevy of new rock groups tapping into a “new” foundation for the genre!

The future of rock music is waiting in the wings with the sound that could easily fuel another decade-plus of tolerable imitators. For illustrative purposes, the rebirth of rock is contingent on a sound mixing the blues-infected metal of Black Sabbath with the uptempo excitement of Led Zeppelin’s “Rock and Roll.” And yet, this sound is not entirely a copy of the bluesy hard rock of the early 70s, for these groups are blending pop-alternative sensibilities of the present with darker, heavier guitar-and-drum fueled swagger evoking Jimmy Page and Joe Perry.

And so is your music, Mr. Plant.

So who are the saviors of rock radio?

Well, let me name a few that have already flashed arena-sellout, multi-platinum potential:

Highly Suspect, who recently topped the charts with infectious singles like “Lydia” and “Bloodfeather.”

The Pretty Reckless, headlined by Cindy Lou Who from “How the Grinch Stole Christmas” and boasting recent hits like “Heaven Knows” and “F*cked Up World.”

This former child star hardly looks like she belongs in Whoville

Royal Blood, a British bass-and-drum duo with infectious singles like “Figure It Out” and some of the more inventive, imaginative music videos in recent memory.

And of course, the headliner of this blues-ier rock sound, Volbeat, whose blend of country-western imagery, fearless guitar solos, and riffing reminiscent of “Black Album”-era Kirk Hammett melds into rollicking tracks like “Heaven Nor Hell” and “The Devil’s Bleeding Crown.”

Paired with alt-rock crossovers, the Black Keys (among others), the opportunity for rock music to reenter the realm of nationwide popularity is present and should be promoted. Rock music has grown stale over the last decade, but that shouldn’t lead to complacency among mainstream rock DJs.

Let’s infuse some fresh blood into a genre that’s been on life-support since the Second Bush administration. I’m sure rock ambassador Dave Grohl would echo my sentiment, for what it’s worth.

“Rock is dead,” they say. LONG LIVE ROCK!

Who’s the Boss? LeBron James Should Prepare for His Next MVP Presentation

Let’s be fair and put the obvious fact out in the open right now: LeBron James has been the best basketball player on the planet for the last half-dozen or so years and that doesn’t look like a statement that’s going to be untrue in the near future.

Nevertheless, LeBron has spent the last three years devoid of the proper recognition for his dominance. There’s a definitive argument that each of the last three Most Valuable Player awards should be residing on the mantle of one of the finest players to pick up a basketball since James Naismith first introduced the world to the marvelous game.

However, I’m not one to obsess over revisionist historicism. Also, I would hate to devalue the accomplishments of Misters Durant and Curry. After all, LeBron dominated the MVP conversation for years prior and a well-deserved break to recognize some of the other contemporary greats has been immeasurably enjoyable, at least in the mind of this amateur sports enthusiast.

My question: is it time for LeBron to reclaim what is rightfully his?

The reason that now seems like such an appropriate time to evaluate the field of contenders for the MVP’s most prestigious individual award comes from the pairing of the two most recent winners of the award on the finest assemblage of talent on a single roster ever. With Kevin Durant joining Stephen Curry’s Warriors, there is an increasing likelihood that neither may truly contend for the 2016-17 Most Valuable Player distinction. After all, doesn’t pairing two of the elite talents in the league guarantee a devaluation of their accomplishments? I mean, the only reason Chris Paul has failed to grace the discussion in any meaningful manner over the last four years is 6’10” and the poster child for the new Kia Sportage.

He’s not the hero we deserve…

Elite pairings of teammates can be devastating to the individual player’s MVP aspirations, even if the players are unquestionably the class of the league. It’s a proven truth.

As a result, one of the more underrated effects of Kevin Durant’s free agency decision has been the enormous impact on the MVP race. Hence my asking: LeBron James is the MVP favorite, right?

I know, it’s way too early to be talking about the end of next season, but I blame Kevin Durant for this line of thinking.

That’s right. Stand there and think about what you’ve done.

For my money, there’s only three or four real contenders for next year’s ultimate award, and LeBron is unquestionably at the top of the list. The thing about the MVP award is that it almost always goes to a player whose team finishes with a top 5 record league wide. Unfortunately, a bunch of the premier talent in the NBA currently resides on teams that should fall well short of that threshold.

James Harden and the Rockets stand well off to the side of the elite and a little thing called “defense” is guaranteed to keep them out of the conversation. Anthony Davis and Karl-Anthony Towns are both elite talents, but they’re hampered by young, unproven squads unlikely to make the daunting leap from bottom five to legitimate contention. As mentioned previously, Chris Paul and Blake Griffin are unlikely to stand separately enough to give voters a clear Clipper candidate. And don’t get me started on DeMarcus Cousins and the Kings’ eternal swirling vortex of sadness.

Don’t pout, Boogie! Maybe this will be the year you finally get traded!

Now, how about the borderline contenders with top tier talent?

Sure, Kyle Lowry and DeMar DeRozan are excellent players on a great Raptors squad, but they’ll suffer from the top tier teammate tax (say that five times fast). Damian Lillard could certainly work his way into serious consideration, but color me skeptical regarding Portland’s chances of breaking into the class of the Warriors, Spurs, and Clippers. Carmelo Anthony could still be great, but I’m not sure his newly fragile supporting cast will actually hold up and reach their potential over a full season. Well-compensated Mike Conley and Marc Gasol are terrific players on what should be an awesome Grizzlies team, but neither have the statistical ceiling to warrant real MVP consideration. And as much as I love Jimmy Butler, I have some serious reservations about the chemistry and fit with the Dwyane Wade-era Bulls.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to say LeBron is already a lock for his fifth MVP. I’m just trying to point out the lack of real competition for the award. How about I offer some proof by highlighting the three players I think have an honest shot at the hardware?

Paul George, beyond being the new cover athlete for 2K17, is an incredible player. He’s a near lock for at least 20 points per game, and also offers great rebounding and playmaking abilities. Toss in the fact that he’s one of a handful of lockdown perimeter defenders in the league, and PG-13 has the tools necessary to assert himself among the leagues elite once-and-for-all. Plus, the Pacers are a much improved team that’s finally all-in on their pace-and-space, small-ball vision that Larry Bird seems so caught up in. Surrounded by other playmakers (Jeff Teague, Monta Ellis) and hustling, athletic big men (Thaddeus Young, Myles Turner), Paul George finally has the role players suited to highlight his talents. If everything clicks, the Pacers are a dangerous team led by a legitimate MVP contender. But George is easily the least likely of the three true competitors for the ultimate award.

“THE KLAW”

With the better team and more evolved reputation, Kawhi Leonard is not only the superior version of Paul George, but also the unquestioned leader of the San Antonio Spurs following Tim Duncan’s retirement. Hell, Kawhi was in contention for MVP last year and is still young enough (25) to project real growth. He posted the highest usage rate of his career in 2016 without sacrificing his trademark efficiency. Paired with freshly minted Spur, Pau Gasol, LaMarcus Aldridge, and Tony Parker, Kawhi has plenty of offensive talent to afford his freedom on offense while encouraging continued growth into a true number one scoring threat.

However, Kawhi’s MVP candidacy will hinge entirely upon the performance of the Spurs defense. Sure, Duncan wasn’t himself on offense, but anyone that watched the Spurs recognized their record-setting defense still owed a lot to the Big Fundamental. If Kawhi can power the Spurs defense back into all-time elite territory with a weaker frontcourt, he should easily have the potential to take home yet another piece of hardware for his mantle.

Lastly, it’s time to invoke the boom-or-bust bet that I’m confidently investing in regarding any pre-season 2017 MVP award ceremony prop-bets.

Russell. Westbrook.

On the Durant-less Thunder, Westbrook has complete control of the operation at last. Without KD, Oklahoma City doesn’t have the elite firepower to hang with the monstrosities atop the Western Conference, but Westbrook is capable of posting some ridiculous, RIDICULOUS stat-lines in his first season as the unquestioned leader. I wouldn’t bet against his ability to break the streak of MVPs needing a hugely successful team supporting their resume. More importantly, if Westbrook indeed finds himself on a team like, say, the Celtics, his MVP candidacy immediately swells to the equal of LeBron James.

Regardless, in this theoretical tie-breaker, I’m going with the top five all-time talent coming off the most impressive four game stretch of his long, wildly successful career. LeBron is maybe the only player with an actual shot of leading the league in points and assists and he’s been remarkably consistent for over a decade. Throw in the fact that the Cavaliers are the reigning NBA champions with the same cast still in place for another deep postseason run and it’s time to recognize that LeBron James is yet again the premier MVP candidate left in the NBA.

So LeBron should go ahead and prepare an MVP acceptance speech (or just reuse his last one) because it’s obvious the Association is still run by its King.

Or maybe don’t jinx it. After all, this whole article is presupposing an entire season’s worth of games and a lot can happen in a year. Hell, Curry could go for three straight and I wouldn’t be totally shocked.

Rob Gronkowski: Already Hall of Fame Worthy?

We are currently trapped in the deadest part of the NFL offseason. Practically every bit of free agency is wrapped up, trade season is done (for now), and training camps don’t convene for another few weeks. Outside of the occasional update on rehabbing stars, the NFL is devoid of real news at the moment. Really, it’s an absolutely awful time of the year if you don’t care for baseball.

As a result of this boredom-inducing doldrum of a July, I found myself listening to ESPN’s Fantasy Focus Football podcast today, despite the fact that there’s really nothing to discuss on the topic. I mean, even fantasy draft season won’t start until the end of the month. Nevertheless, as I was tuning in and out of the football ramblings, I caught a statement that truly piqued my interest.

While discussing the disparity between the number one fantasy tight end and the rest of the field, the podcast’s host offhandedly commented on the top tight end’s career by posing a question: “Is Rob Gronkowski already a Hall of Fame tight end?”

It’s an interesting notion (as far as offseason football discussion is concerned) and I couldn’t help but dig into this proposal. If Gronk never played another snap of professional football, would he actually be worthy of enshrinement in Canton alongside the all-time elite at the position?

Now, he’s just 27. This hypothetical scenario is ridiculous unless you’re a perpetual pessimist willing to bet on the non-zero chance that Gronk suffers a career-ending injury. There’s roughly a 99% chance Gronk continues to play at a high level for at least another season or two. All of this taken into account, if you want to stop reading now, I’d understand. But if you’re as bored as I am, please take a moment to ponder this unimportant notion, with my thoughts peppered in to help you develop a more informed opinion.

First, we need to establish the elite class to which we are trying to ascribe Mr. Gronkowski. Currently, only eight tight ends are permanently enshrined in the Pro Football Hall of Fame: Mike Ditka, John Mackey, Jackie Smith, Kellen Winslow, Ozzie Newsome, Dave Casper, Charlie Sanders, and Shannon Sharpe. I’m sure there’s casual fans out there that wouldn’t recognize a couple of those names. Regardless, it’s an exclusive club Gronk’s trying to join.

Amongst the eight current HOF tight ends, there are a combined 43 Pro Bowl appearances and 7 Super Bowl rings. All, save Ozzie Newsome, have graced a Pro Bowl roster at least five times in their careers. Rob Gronkowski already has four appearances to his name. Half of all Hall of Fame tight ends have a Super Bowl ring on their resume. The Gronk already has one ring on his massive finger (and an amusing ESPN commercial as proof). In summation, Gronk clearly has the personal accolades and team accomplishments to measure up with the immortalized elite at his position.

But awards are not the only requirement for enshrinement in Canton. To be a Hall of Famer, one also must boast the career statistics befitting of an all-time great. So let’s see how the NFL’s resident partier stacks up on the stat sheet.

He’s probably got the most kittens, FWIW

First, let’s look at the statistic that best encapsulates the greatness of Gronk: touchdowns (all statistics provided by pro-football-reference.com). Gronkowski has found his way into the end-zone 66 times in his regular season career, with another 9 TDs in his 10 postseason games.

You know how many Hall of Fame tight ends can match those totals? None.

Shannon Sharpe leads all current Hall of Fame tight ends in the category with 62 regular season TDs. It’s not crazy to say that Gronkowski is the premier end-zone threat in the history of the sport. That’s how prolific Gronk is at finding pay dirt.

Scoring is essential to winning football games (unsurprisingly, Gronkowski’s Patriots have won quite a few games in his career), but there are several other important statistics used to evaluate pass catchers.

See! Not a touchdown, but probably his most impressive career catch

For instance, receiving yards are important when evaluating the wholistic value of a position player. Comparing Gronkowski’s 5555 career receiving yards to the Hall of Fame elite helps paint a more complete picture of how Gronk measures up. In this case, Gronkowski only outpaces John Mackey, Dave Casper, and Charlie Sanders in career receiving yards. However, Gronk’s yards per reception outpaces six of the eight HOF tight ends, including the Hall’s current tight end receiving king, Mr. Sharpe. While his career yardage arguably doesn’t equate to Hall of Fame worthiness, the underlying numbers hint that in perhaps as few as two more seasons, Gronk should likely surpass every Hall of Famer, save Sharpe, in career yardage.

Another interesting receiving statistic regarding Gronk: remove Sharpe from the equation, and the young tight end has at least 300 more career playoff yards than every Hall of Famer at the position. I know, opportunity, quarterback differentials, etc., but that’s still one remarkably impressive comparison.

Combine the career receiving stats with his bare-minimum average blocking skills, and Gronkowski already seems like a shoe-in for Hall of Fame induction, with much of his career still to come.

He’s also the premier source for crazy photographs amongst NFL players

But let’s not discount the knowledge that Gronkowski is currently playing in a much more pass-happy league than his HOF peers, meaning that his statistics may be inflated as a result of increased freedom in the receiving game. How can we quantify this disparity accurately?

Well, we should look no further than two no-doubt future Hall of Famers that have spent the majority of their careers with the same rules in place which Gronk has been bestowed: Tony Gonzalez and Antonio Gates.

Many players have dunked on the goalposts, but none have done it like Tony G.

A 12x Pro Bowler and, in my mind, the greatest tight end in NFL history, Tony Gonzalez has nearly 3x as many career receiving yards as Gronkowski and also has 45 more touchdowns than the young challenger to his throne. After 17 terrific seasons spread across Kansas City and Atlanta, Tony Gonzalez is the standard for immortality that all future tight ends must be measured against. This comparison was meant to humble young, jubilant Gronkowski, but it’s really unfair to this point.

Instead, take a look at the career of Antonio Gates. Heading into the 2016 season, Gates has eight Pro Bowl appearances to his name, with 10644 receiving yards and 104 touchdowns to boot. However, across nine postseason starts, Gates has found the end zone just once.

As a regular season performer, Gates is well-above Gronkowski, as matters currently stand. However, Gronkowski has a significant advantage when comparing postseason resumes, and one’s accomplishments in the playoffs often hold significant weight when evaluating Hall of Fame candidacies. While Gates would still clearly be selected for enshrinement over his young counterpart, the rift separating the two is not as wide as many may think and should shrink significantly over the course of the 2016 season.

Gates should do this more often in 2016, IMO

All told, it’s tough to make a judgement for Gronkowski’s Hall of Fame candidacy as things currently stand. Would you consider Heath Miller a HOF-worthy tight end? All variables considered, Miller is probably owner of the most comparable career to current day Gronkowski. In all likelihood, Heath Miller won’t be deemed worthy of a spot in Canton. By extension, I suppose that would mean Gronkowski, as of yet, is still shy of the Hall of Fame.

Again, Rob Gronkowski is just 27 and already compares favorably to a number of Hall of Fame tight ends. To say that he wouldn’t deserve enshrinement in Canton this very second is absurd and not an absolute certainty. Plus, he’s got years to add to his already outstanding resume.

The very idea that Gronkowski’s Hall of Fame candidacy is actually debatable at this stage of his career is the most stunning indicator of his generational talent. The Gronk is incredible and we should all feel fortunate to watch (hopefully) many more seasons of one of the NFL’s premier athletes of all time.

Keep deflating them footballs, Gronk!

“We now return you to your regularly scheduled NFL withdrawal.”

Yoan Moncada: Coming to a Ballpark Near You (Eventually)!

Major league baseball is practically overrun with young talent making massive impacts at the major league level. The Chicago Cubs, fronted by Kris Bryant (24) and Anthony Rizzo (26), are set for practically the next decade on the offensive side of the diamond. Mike Trout, Bryce Harper, and Manny Machado are all under 25 with their best years most likely still to come. The Minnesota Twins, with Byron Buxton, Miguel Sano, and Max Kepler are projected for greatness in the near future. In the Lone Star State, Carlos Correa, George Springer, Rougned Odor, Nomar Mazara, Jurickson Profar, and Joey Gallo are all primed to lead the charge for Texas baseball over the next century (okay, maybe not quite that long).

From the best of the best to 2016’s cellar dwellers, it seems that every team has a potential offensive superstar buried somewhere within their organization, just waiting to bloom.

And then there’s the Boston Red Sox.

Sure, David Ortiz, at 40 years old, is currently pacing the Sox in batting average, on base percentage, slugging, and OPS. The Red Sox are undoubtably Big Papi’s team for at least the rest of this season (I refuse to believe the retirement shtick), but the future has clearly arrived. With Mookie Betts, Jackie Bradley Jr., and Andrew Benintendi (likely) in the outfield for the next five years, Xander Bogaerts manning shortstop for the foreseeable future, and Christian Vazquez and Blake Swihart offering up a potentially dynamic backstop combo, the Red Sox have all the pieces in place to field a dynastic offense.

Yet one player remains a mystery.

Signed in March of 2015 at just 20 years old, Cuban sensation Yoan Moncada is currently making an absolute mockery of Double A baseball.

Starting the season in High A, Moncada earned a quick promotion in his second professional season by slashing .307 with a ludicrous 36 stolen bases across 61 games. Over the first two months of the 2016 season, Moncada was sporting a .427 OBP and a .923 OPS. Those are the kind of numbers that can easily get a fanbase into a tizzy.

Those aren’t the numbers that actually have fans in Boston salivating the major league debut of a 21 year old infielder.

I’m being told this gif of Moncada running is, in fact, not sped up. What???

Since being promoted to the Portland Sea Dogs in Double A, Yoan Moncada has produced otherworldly numbers. Check it out:

15 games. 4 stolen bases. 14 runs batted in. 20 hits. 3 doubles. 2 triples. 4 home runs (matching his total over four times the amount of games in Single A Salem). A cool .317 batting average. An acceptable .358 on base percentage. And an incredulous .977 OPS.

Take away the decline in walk rate (which is to be expected with such a huge leap), and Moncada has somehow been worlds better than his already exciting High A teaser. MLB.com’s number five prospect in all of baseball seems primed to make quick work of the minor leagues and dominate his way onto the 2017 Red Sox, maybe even out of Spring Training next March.

(Also worth noting: the four prospects ahead of Moncada according to MLB.com all project to debut within the next month or so, opening up a chance that Moncada ascends to number one prospect status in relatively short order. Heck, Baseball America already has him rated as the best prospect in baseball. Not bad for a guy who couldn’t legally buy a drink until May)

Cheers!

Here’s the problem with Yoan Moncada’s rapid ascension: Unlike his Portland teammate, Andrew Benintendi, there’s no clear opening for Moncada on the major league roster. The future outfield is set in Boston, pending Benintendi’s arrival. Shortstop is out of the question for Yoan. The corner infield is currently stocked with Travis Shaw, Hanley Ramirez, and Pablo Sandoval, one of whom will clearly be tasked with following up the storied recent history of being DH of the Red Sox. And second base, the position Moncada has exclusively manned throughout his minor league career, is likely still Dustin Pedroia’s for at least another couple of years. So where the heck is this future star supposed to play?

One option, probably the least likely, would be the Red Sox trading away Dustin Pedroia to open up second for the youngster. Quite simply, the former MVP second baseman is too well loved in the Boston community to make this a feasible option for Red Sox GM Dave Dombrowski, at least at the moment.

The Sox could opt to move an outfielder (Jackie Bradley Jr., in all likelihood) and shift Moncada to the outfield. One of the young stars roaming the outfield in Boston would surely be enough to net the Red Sox a massive upgrade for their maligned pitching staff. Still, unless the Boston front office could actually land a true ace (Jose Fernandez, Sonny Gray, Gerrit Cole, etc.) in a one-for-one deal, a departure from the current Red Sox outfield seems out of the question.

Seriously, Dave, don’t trade Jackie Baseball.

Moving Travis Shaw to first base and Hanley Ramirez to designated hitter has always seemed like the most sensible option for the Red Sox. Travis Shaw, while a good defender at the hot corner, is still better suited for first base. Minimizing the injury risk for Hanley by getting him out of the field is also a highly intelligent move by Boston management. Plus, Moncada certainly has the range and likely the arm to handle a move to third.

The problem with this alignment, however, is currently rehabbing from season-ending shoulder surgery and has been a huge afterthought despite his massive contract.

PANDA, PANDA, PANDA!

After losing his third base job out of spring training, Pablo Sandoval has easily taken over for the largest Red Sox disappointment in recent history (though Rusney Castillo isn’t far behind). Nevertheless, he’s owed a ton of money over the next three years, and a contract of Sandoval’s magnitude often leads to a mandate for management to find him playing time. It’s a terrible line of thinking, but if I were paying a guy $18 million dollars every year, I’d probably want a little return on investment, too.

Despite currently having a crowded major league infield, Yoan Moncada isn’t going to be blocked by the current talent. Within the next calendar year (barring injury), the top prospect in the Red Sox organization will be playing everyday at Fenway. He’s got the kind of talent that can’t be held back by anyone that isn’t a bona-fide star.

Who knows when Yoan Moncada will make his debut. It could be in September of 2016. It could be April of next year. Or they could hold him back for a few extra months next spring. Whenever he makes his way to the majors, though, it’ll be the most anticipated prospect debut in Boston since Xander Bogaerts, at least.

And don’t discount the possibility that Moncada could be the best youngster in Boston, surpassing even MVP contenders like Bogaerts and Mookie Betts. After all, he’s just 21 with solid raw power, uber-elite speed, defensive proficiency, and still unknown potential.

Bring on the Yoan!

 

Forget the “Home Run Derby for Pitchers.” Here’s an Even Better All-Star Proposal!

You know in the classic Wii Sports how there’s an option to train for each specific sport? Well, I happened to be fooling around the other day, honing my virtual tennis skills, when I was struck with an idea. To understand my phenomenally ludicrous idea, a little background on the game is necessary.

First off, I don’t know much about tennis at all. I’ve never played the sport in any competitive sense and have a very rough understanding of the game’s nuances. Honestly, I’ve spent more time around Nintendo’s virtual rendering of the game than any real-life exposure. Still, if there’s one piece of information I’ve come to understand about tennis, it’s that the game is primarily about placement. If I can return the ball to a point on the court where my opponent cannot reach, it’s more likely that I’ll receive the point.

Go ahead, marvel at my nuanced tennis analysis

In training for the “basement Wimbledon” in my household, I stumbled across a training exercise specifically focused on the placement of my returns. Plopped onto a tennis court with a brick wall in the place of the net, the objective is to serve the ball towards the clay bullseye repeatedly without allowing a double bounce (I’m sure there’s a more technical term than “double bounce”). While not required to hit the target on every return, you only earn points for each target broken. With the eternal regeneration of the targets, the whole exercise is really just a convoluted representation of the futility of sports where an endgame is never truly within one’s grasp. Like every sport, there’s the continued pursuit of higher and higher statistics that creep toward infinity.

“33 points” is alright, but isn’t it all pointless in the end?

Anyway, as I found myself swinging a motion-sensing remote control back in forth while watching a television screen in my basement, I was served up a moment of inspiration.

Over the course of roughly the last month, I’ve heard multiple propositions for a Home Run Derby geared specifically towards pitchers at the MLB All-Star Game at some point in the near future. Driven by the power displays of multiple pitchers, Madison Bumgarner headlining the group, a proposition for a new event geared towards #PitchersWhoRake seems to make perfect sense, particularly since the Midsummer Classic is nothing more than a huge money grab for MLB owners disguised as a celebration of the sport.

My proposal: let’s combine the overall objective of Tennis Target Practice in Wii Sports with the elite arms of major league outfielders.

I want to see a half dozen clay targets set up on pedestals at various places in the outfield while a bunch of cannon-armed outfielders attempt to break said targets with their best placed rocket throws from home plate. Let’s put Yasiel Puig at the plate and watch him rear back and throw rockets at bullseyes in the outfield. That screams must-see television.

I’d put terrific throws from outfielders as on par, excitement-wise, with a good ole fashioned home run. There’s nothing better than watching some right fielder just chuck the ball towards third base and double up some poor fool. So why not celebrate these feats of athletic greatness in the most indulgent fashion imaginable? It’s a glorified throwing contest that probably takes place in spring training regularly, only blown up into the national spotlight and turned into a legitimate competition.

The power. The accuracy. I’ll watch Yoenis Cespedes throw out fools for hours

I’ll be honest, my first proposition for this event was even more ridiculous than the one I just proposed. Everyone is familiar with the concept of trap shooting, right?

My original proposal: let’s have a bunch of big-ass targets thrown across the outfield and watch players try and knock them out of the air with a white ball less than three inches in diameter. Failing that, why not have the targets suspended by some sort of wire and just glide back and forth across the field? Not only are the players forced to throw three hundred feet in a really screwed up game of darts, but the target is consistently moving in this scenario. I might be able to hit a stable target with enough opportunities; I want to see something accomplished by these athletes that I’m 100% positive I could never accomplish in a million attempts.

While novel ideas, a moving target would likely be too difficult for even major league athletes to handle at the envisioned distance. After all, in a real game third base isn’t moving while the right fielder tries to throw out that cocky, disrespectful baserunner. So instead, let’s just have a bunch of targets spread out, each worth some set number of points based on distance relative to home plate, and introduce a bunch of uber-competitive guys into the most idiotic scenario imaginable.

Yes, I’m aware that this proposal is unlikely to gain any real traction in the Major League Baseball offices. Plus, teams aren’t likely to permit their multi-million dollar investments to potentially tear up their shoulders in a meaningless exhibition. Nevertheless, the arms on major league outfielders are incredible and I’d love to see them put in the national spotlight. And the more ridiculous the exhibition, the better. After all, I’m all about manufacturing a product that provides maximum entertainment value for my fellow fans.

These guys get it! We’re all just here to have some fun!

But what shall we call this event and who will sponsor such a spectacle?

I’ve got a few ideas. How about the “UPS Air Mail Throwing Exhibition?” Or the “State Farm Outfield Assist Challenge?” Wait, the “Jack Daniels’ Cannon Arm Dartboard Competition!”

See, MLB, this proposition comes tailor-made for sponsorship opportunities! Why would you turn down such and incredible proposal? Go ahead and have Rob Manfred send me an email. I’ll tell him where to send the check. Let’s make it happen and slap on a “#THIS.”

Come on, let’s watch players show off their cannons! This is what sports are all about!

Kevin Durant Doesn’t Give a Damn What Anyone Thinks – And That’s Okay

I’ve got a question to ask: where have any basketball fans developed this notion that superstar players need to stay “loyal” to their franchises?

Since Kevin Durant’s bombshell signing with the Golden State Warriors yesterday, I’ve heard plenty of hot takes questioning the disappearance of loyalty within the sport. Honestly, this take is the most played out trash in all of professional sports. Players in every sport fought for years to institute free agency in professional leagues. In the NBA, unrestricted free agency was a foreign concept until 1988. Before Tom Chambers broke the ownership slave-trade, players had no choice regarding who they worked for or where they played. You got drafted into an organization and you played there for as long as they’d have you.

Want to know why the Boston Celtics dominated the 1960s? It’s because they lucked out in the draft and literally couldn’t lose their future Hall of Famers unless they felt like trading for other stars. There was no such thing as free agency to allow a LeBron-Wade-Bosh-esque team-up.

NBA owners to their players prior to the institution of free agency

And to be quite honest, basketball is far more entertaining with free agency to hold over fans in the offseason. To be candid, I was more interested in Kevin Durant’s decision than a bunch of this year’s Eastern Conference playoff series. I mean, that’s a future Hall of Famer that gets to choose which fanbase he’s going to bless with his presence. No offense to Heat and Hornets fans, but Durant’s free agency was about a thousand times more exciting than the entirety of your first round series. Free agency is so freaking dope.

Weird that the Joker accurately sums up what I love about the NBA offseason…

But back to Kevin Durant being a total traitor for abandoning Oklahoma City.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with superstars outgrowing the franchise that drafted them. Which is going to hurt a player’s legacy more: not winning a championship or not staying with one franchise for an entire career? John Stockton stayed with the Jazz his entire career while Steve Nash chased a ring by signing with the Lakers. I’m pretty sure neither had their legacies tarnished by their decisions. How about Shaquille O’Neal leaving the Magic to sign with the Lakers in the middle of his prime? Sure ruined his legacy, didn’t it?

Kevin Durant’s situation is unique in that he just signed with one of the greatest teams ever that already had three All-Stars (including the reigning MVP) in a blatant move to chase a championship. The decision by KD guaranteed his transformation into one of the league’s premier villains. That’s fine. LeBron wasn’t well liked by the vast majority during his time in Miami; it doesn’t change the fact that he won two titles and helped cement his legacy as one of the greatest to ever play the sport. If LeBron stays in Cleveland and has just one title to this point, we’re criticizing him for his lack of playoff success. Instead, we’re criticizing his character and that’s never been a lasting criticism. We’re not judging Michael Jordan or Wilt Chamberlain for their personal lives, after all.

Look at this guy, building his likability to brace for his move to Golden State. SMH.

Will a title in Golden State hurt Kevin Durant’s legacy? Preposterous. Sure, it’s kind of a cheap pursuit of immortality, but given the same opportunity I’d play with Steph Curry and Klay Thompson in a heartbeat (if only to avoid potential testicular injury playing against Draymond Green). To put it another way, if I were offered a permanent position writing for the sports staff at the New York Times, I’m not turning it down because I want to make my own way with freelance work. I’m taking that job every damn day of the week and laughing maniacally in the process. In any other line of work outside the sports world, nobody is ever criticized for taking the best job available; instead they’re often celebrated. Why do we want to treat athletes differently?

Another point that feels worth highlighting amidst the Durant criticism: since Kevin Durant first debuted in 2007, just seven other players have remained with one organization. Only six players have currently played a decade or more in the same organization to which they were drafted. By the end of this offseason, that number could be down to just three, pending Dwyane Wade’s free agency decision and Tim Duncan’s retirement contemplation. In the modern era only Kobe, Duncan, Ginobili, and Dirk hold the distinction of playing 15+ years with just one team. It’s just a phenomenon that doesn’t occur much anymore. In fact, remove the Spurs from the equation and Wade, Dirk, and Durant’s former teammate Nick Collison are the only players that have stayed with the same organization since Durant’s rookie year. Staying with one franchise over the course of an entire career is an amazing accomplishment, but it’s rare and should be treated as such.

When you know you might be the last superstar to spend an entire career with one team

To sum up, Kevin Durant is a villain now as a result of his decision. I doubt he gives a damn. He’s a competitor that wants to win a championship and he chose the organization that gives him the best opportunity to do so. He can worry about building a dynasty next year, when he’ll inevitably be back on the market. For now, Durant should get that first championship to avoid potentially ending his career in the company of Karl Malone and Charles Barkley. Remember Kevin, you can always repair public perception; you won’t always have an opportunity to almost assuredly achieve the ultimate goal for every NBA player.

Get that ring, KD. While you’re at it, get another MVP award. Get another scoring title. Just don’t get caught up in the inevitable criticism, because nothing matters but your personal happiness and success. L’chaim!

(P.S. shut up, Stephen A. Smith)

 

Picking the Pitchers for the 2016 MLB All-Star Game (National League Edition)

This is the main attraction. This is why we’ve all been toiling through the first half of the season. It’s all just waiting for that fleeting glimpse of brilliance.

Sure, the American League is full of really good pitchers. But it’s not the National League. No, the Senior League is where the real pitchers hone their craft. Blame it on the lack of a DH for the superior stats, but the NL is clearly home to at least seven of the ten most talented pitchers in baseball. And with one notable exception (Matt Harvey), all of the traditionally dominant aces in the National League have been lights out again in 2016.

National League pitching is simply better. The American League Cy Young race is entertaining for entirely different reasons than the National League. In the AL, aside from Chris Sale, the Cy Young race is dominated by career average pitchers having unforeseen success and bounce back candidates like Kluber and Hamels. In the NL, the Cy Young race is divided among at least seven or eight different pitchers that have been consistently dominant forces tossing multiple career years in one hot, swirling mass of pitching excess, culminating in arguably the most fascinating assortment of top-heavy pitching talent ever witnessed in major league baseball.

Now, that’s a sentence. Anyway, let’s talk about the cream of the crop set to make the cut and show up in San Diego in a few weeks.

Clayton Kershaw (Los Angeles Dodgers, 1.79 ERA/0.73 WHIP)

He is the alpha and the omega. The beginning and the end. He is one with divinity. Perfection personified.

Seriously, he’s the best pitcher in baseball and it’s not particularly close. He leads all MLB starters in ERA, WHIP, innings, strikeouts, shutouts, BB/9, and K/BB. He’s struck out 145 batters compared to just 9 walks all year. By all accounts this is Kershaw’s finest season yet, and that’s including his NL MVP-winning 2014. He’s the undisputed favorite to take home his second MVP award and fourth Cy Young at the half way point. Should he win a second MVP, he would be one of just four starters to win multiple league MVP awards, and the first to do so since the 1940s. He’s also set to become the fifth pitcher to win four career Cy Young awards, joining Greg Maddux, Steve Carlton, Randy Johnson, and Roger Clemens. His 16.11 K/BB is also set to absolutely obliterate the mark set by Phil Hughes two seasons ago. Kershaw is pretty much the LeBron James of baseball. He’s a shoe-in for his sixth straight All-Star game.

When Jake Arrieta feels like giving up a hit, he’ll let you know

Jake Arrieta (Chicago Cubs, 2.10 ERA/1.02 WHIP)

The reigning NL Cy Young winner has not had quite as dominant a follow-up. His ERA has taken a hit, going from lights out to just lights out. He’s also walking significantly more batters this year, as evidenced by his 3.9 BB/9 compared to last year’s 1.9 mark. Still he’s racked up the second most wins of any pitcher in baseball with the fourth lowest ERA in the majors. He’s holding opponents to the second lowest batting average against in baseball has a no-hitter on his resume in 2016. He’s absolutely still elite and deserving of a spot in San Diego this year. Also, imagine if he has another ridiculous second half like his post-All-Star break 2015…

Make Baseball Fun Again

Jose Fernandez (Miami Marlins, 2.28 ERA/0.99 WHIP)

Is it safe to say the 23 year old fireballer is better than ever? Absolutely. Leading the Marlins to a surprisingly good first half, Fernandez has returned to his 2013 pitching levels and then taken another step forward. He’s second in strikeouts behind Kershaw and is averaging the most Ks per nine by a significant margin. His WHIP is phenomenal and evident of his still excellent control. In his first full season since Tommy John surgery, Jose Fernandez has done an excellent job of reminding the baseball world that he’s a near-lock to win a Cy Young at some point in his career, health permitting. He’s also just a joy to watch and should absolutely be included in the Midsummer festivities in SoCal.

Madison Bumgarner (San Francisco Giants, 1.99 ERA/1.02 WHIP)

EVEN YEAR! EVEN YEAR! Madison Bumgarner is turning in the finest season of his already stellar career. His ERA is almost a full run lower than it has been over the past two years (both All-Star campaigns, BTW), and he’s striking out more batters than ever. The walks are up a touch, but have pretty much been irrelevant courtesy of a bump in K%. Bumgarner’s peripherals indicate the ERA is a touch lower than it should be, but every statistic is pretty much in line with his career averages, save the earned runs allowed. If he was an All-Star last year, he’s done nothing to relinquish that title in his age 26 season. Might as well make MadBum a four-time All-Star and throw him in the Home Run Derby while he’s down in San Diego, just for fun.

Another David Ross sighting? Maybe he’s the key to the Cubs success

Jon Lester (Chicago Cubs, 2.03 ERA/0.97 WHIP)

Oh look, the Cubs have another player deserving of an All-Star selection! Who would have guessed? Nothing has changed for Lester since last year, save for his luck. He’s pretty much the same pitcher his always been, he’s just had the luckiest season of his career thus far. Still, the raw skills the 32 year old Lester possesses are more than enough to justify his place on an All-Star pitching staff. At this rate, I’m fairly certain the Cubs are going to make up roughly 50% of the National League All-Star roster. Lester also isn’t the last Cub that deserves to be in San Diego, but I’ll get to that later.

Stephen Strasburg (Washington Nationals, 2.90 ERA/1.06 WHIP)

Sure, he’s currently dealing with a back issue and may not be healthy enough to pitch in the All-Star game in the first place. But he’s also in the midst of a career year, posting his lowest full-season ERA yet while striking out a few more batters than usual. With a seven year contract extension under his belt, he’s pretty much been the exact same Stephen Strasburg to which fans should be familiar. The only real difference between his last few seasons and 2016 is the fact that he’s playing for arguably the best Nationals squad he’s been a part of while benefitting from solid run support regularly. It’s been four years since Strasburg last graced an All-Star roster. That drought should end this summer, even if Strasburg can’t actually pitch in the game.

That’s a 94 MPH slider. That shouldn’t be possible.

Noah Syndergaard (New York Mets, 2.49 ERA/1.06 WHIP)

In the ever-raging battle of DC vs. Marvel, it appears New York is now Marvel territory. Matt “The Dark Knight” Harvey has had a mostly disappointing first half while the new guy, Noah “Thor” Syndergaard, has been lights out and emerged as the best pitcher in the Mets organization. He’s one of the premier strikeout artists in the game, thanks to his high-90s heat, and also has displayed masterful control with the fourth lowest BB/9 in baseball. He’s dealing with a bone spur in his throwing elbow, which doesn’t bode particularly well for the rest of his season, but his first half dominance has still been more than worthy of an All-Star selection. “Thor” should undoubtably make the trip from Asgard, I mean Citi Field, to San Diego in the coming weeks.

“You put your right leg in…”

Johnny Cueto (San Francisco Giants, 2.42 ERA/1.02 WHIP)

I almost want to leave Cueto off the roster just because of his shameless chase for another ring. I mean, signing with the Giants before an even year is a pretty weak move.

Jokes aside, is it really surprising that Johnny Cueto is pitching well in San Francisco? Sure, his stint with the Royals wasn’t vintage Cueto, but he’s in a great pitchers park with a terrific defense at his back throwing to the best pitch framer in the business. Johnny Cueto is in the perfect situation for a pitcher with his skill set, especially as his strikeout ability continues to erode. He’s been phenomenal for the Giants and his addition is one of the biggest reasons for more “even year” optimism in the Bay.

Julio Teheran (Atlanta Braves, 2.46 ERA/0.89 WHIP)

You want to grasp just how bad the Braves are? Julio Teheran has just three wins all year. Teheran’s win-loss record is the reason nobody should look to a pitcher’s record as indication of their performance. There’s a lot of luck to be found in Teheran’s numbers, for sure, but he’s also made some noticeable improvements in his age 25 season, including career high strikeout rates and career low walk rates. It’s amazing just how much pitchers seem to improve when they work on their command and refrain from giving hitters free bases or allowing the ball to be put in play. Takes away a lot of the randomness present in baseball. I’m sure Teheran doesn’t maintain a 2.46 ERA the rest of the season. I’d guess it might even land around 3.20 if I’m being honest. Still, the Braves are bad and Teheran should be rewarded for being the polar opposite of his team.

That’ll play, I suppose

Drew Pomeranz (San Diego Padres, 2.76 ERA/1.13 WHIP)

This guy doesn’t make much sense at all. Pomeranz hasn’t been a full time starter since 2012 for the Rockies and has never flashed this kind of skill. Petco Park has historically bumped up strikeouts for pitchers, but the increase in Pomeranz’s strikeout rate is almost unfathomable. Per nine, Pomeranz is striking out nearly two more batters than his career average. He’s also been remarkably stingy with the home run ball in a year where hitters are leaving Petco Park at previously unheard of levels. Pomeranz has arguably been the most surprising breakout pitcher of 2016. Like Teheran, there’s obvious regression due, especially since pitchers typically don’t carry elite ERAs while walking four batters per nine. Nevertheless, San Diego gets to host the Midsummer Classic and should likewise be well-represented in front of the hometown fans.

Kenley Jansen (Los Angeles Dodgers, 1.38 ERA/0.67 WHIP)

Don’t let Dodgers fans fool you; the Los Angeles bullpen is sneakily excellent and they’re led by a lights out closer in Kenley Jansen. His strikeouts are down significantly (though he’s still pulling in more than one per inning), but his ERA is currently a career low. He has blown three saves over the first three months of the year, but that shouldn’t be an indictment of his performance. He’s only allowed one home run and five walks in 32.2 innings all year. The blown saves have largely been the result of a few nights where he’s been a little more hittable than normal. In every other outing, however, Jansen has been one of the best relievers in baseball. It’s about time for Kenley to make his first All-Star appearance.

Fernando Rodney (San Diego Padres, 0.31 ERA/0.87 WHIP)

Ok, so clearly God started missing arrows repeatedly flying across heaven and decided to bless Fernando Rodney. Seriously, how else can you explain a 39 year old reliever that had bounced in and out of baseball over the last two years suddenly posting a career year? Through almost the entirety of the first half, Fernando Rodney has allowed just one earned run. He’s regained his strikeout form and is suddenly unhittable. The Padres traded away Craig Kimbrel in the offseason, knowing they wouldn’t need an elite closer in 2016. Who would’ve guessed they’d stumble into one anyway. Fernando Rodney is probably going to give up quite a few runs in the second half. His peripherals suggest he’s been extremely lucky and regression should be inevitable. But I’m convinced Fernando has been blessed and it’s clearly his destiny to rob the Cy Young from Kershaw in 2016.

Mr. Stone Buddha

Seung Hwan Oh (St. Louis Cardinals, 1.62 ERA/0.85 WHIP)

At 33 years old, calling Oh a rookie is a bit misleading. Sure, it’s his first season in the United States, but he’s been dominating overseas for years. It shouldn’t come as such a surprise that he really is an awesome pitcher. Across the board his numbers have been elite. He’s stingy with both walks and hits. He’s given up just one home run all year. He’s also struck out 51 batters over 39 innings. And now, “The Final Boss” might actually have the closer role temporarily in St. Louis. Hell, if he’s going to be one of the best relievers in baseball, let him close. And definitely let him take his talents to the Midsummer Classic.

David Ross again???

Hector Rondon (Chicago Cubs, 1.65 ERA/0.66 WHIP)

Ah yes, the third Cubs pitcher deserving of an All-Star appearance. In reality, Rondon’s odds at making a trip to San Diego are pretty slim. Like Seung Hwan Oh, every traditional pitching stat indicates that Hector Rondon has been elite across the board. Like Kenley Jansen, Rondon has also been victimized by the rare off nights scattered amongst a lights out season that has resulted in three blown saves. A lot of fans in Chicago seem to be of the opinion Theo Epstein and the Cubs should trade for an elite reliever like Andrew Miller or Aroldis Chapman. It seems like they don’t understand that Rondon has really been quite excellent and will undoubtably be one of the biggest snubs for the All-Star roster, barring an outside chance of being an injury replacement.

The final piece in an excellent NL All-Star staff

A.J. Ramos (Miami Marlins, 1.74 ERA/1.19 WHIP)

The Marlins might have an elite power reliever on their hands. The problematic aspect of his game, separating Ramos from the realm of truly dominant relievers, is his control. He’s a strikeout artist that limits contact from opposing teams, but by extension he’s also walking 5.2 batters per nine. That’s untenable. Regardless, Ramos has turned in a stellar season and even spotty control hasn’t stopped him from locking down all 24 save opportunities he’s been afforded. The control is Ramos’s fatal flaw and one that doesn’t appear likely to improvement midseason. Nevertheless, he’s been a lock-down closer and is fairly deserving of the last spot on the National League All-Star pitching staff.

That’ll do. The National League is certainly heavy on elite starters and light on top-notch relievers when compared to their American League counterparts. This is one hell of a pitching staff, though, and represents the ideal selections for Terry Collins when it comes to the 2016 Midsummer Classic.

Honestly, the National League could probably get by with just Kershaw. But it’s nice to recognize others, even if you could just lean on the best pitcher of his generation for a complete game against the premier American League hitters. Frankly, I kind of want to see Kershaw throw a complete game three hitter against the American League All-Stars now.

Picking the Pitchers for the 2016 MLB All-Star Game (American League Edition)

Last season, the MLB All-Star Game witnessed twenty-nine different pitchers representing their respective teams in the Midsummer Classic. A few of those pitchers won’t be making the trip again this season. Pitchers are fickle creatures whose performance varies wildly year to year (unless you’re Clayton Kershaw). As a result, it’s unlikely that even half of the pitchers in Cincinnati last year will make the trip to San Diego this year.

Of course, some pitchers are simply so good that the All-Star trip is getting to be a yearly burden (I bet there’s a Dodger that doesn’t want to make the drive down to San Diego).

Regardless, the position players represented in the All-Star Game are boring. About half of them are selected by fan voting. There’s bound to be mistakes thanks to overenthusiastic fanbases fiercely loyal to their players (*cough* Royals *cough*). It’s a flawed system that I don’t feel like addressing. Instead, I’m going to talk about the players that selected every year by other players and major league managers.

It’s also pointless to worry about each team being represented at this juncture. For publicity’s sake, Major League Baseball has a lot to gain from having a player representing each franchise at the All-Star game. Still, it’s a headache trying to predict which Philly is making a trip to San Diego. So I’m going to focus on the pitchers that deserve to be there on merit alone, not just to fill a quota.

Without further adieu, let’s take a look at the American League All-Star Pitching Staff…

Chris Sale (Chicago White Sox, 2.79 ERA/0.98 WHIP)

Sale leads all of baseball in pitcher wins. It’s a flukey statistic that doesn’t mean much at all, but it’s still impressive. More importantly, he’s third in baseball in total innings pitched, with 113 excellent innings. He’s tossed three complete games on the year and is tied for the lowest WHIP among AL starters. And he hasn’t even truly hit his stride. He’s averaging less than a strikeout an inning thus far, after striking out 274 last year. His K/9 is down 3.1 this year; when the strikeouts start coming in bunches, I’m sure Sale’s ERA will tumble as well. I’d have him start the Midsummer Classic for the American League, but the next few pitchers on this staff have strong cases as well.

Sit your ass down, Mr. Trout.

Steven Wright (Boston Red Sox, 2.18 ERA/1.14 WHIP)

The knuckleball sensation has been stellar for the Red Sox this year. He currently boasts the lowest ERA among American League starters and the fifth lowest in all of baseball. He’s tied with Sale in terms of complete games this season. His FIP would indicate that the insanely low numbers are inflated by a bit of luck, but the knuckleball is so wacky that I don’t like trusting advanced statistics when referencing this rare breed. It may be difficult for Wright to keep the ball dancing for the rest of the year, but right now he’s in Cy Young R.A. Dickey territory right now. He’s truly having one of the finest seasons any knuckleballer has ever enjoyed. He’ll be in San Diego. The only question is who will be tasked with catching the wild, magical knuckle.

Danny Salazar (Cleveland Indians, 2.40 ERA/1.15 WHIP)

His walk rate is troubling, but everything else about Salazar’s first half screams All-Star. He’s allowing the second lowest batting average against in the AL. He’s allowed the third fewest hits per nine in all of baseball, slightly better than the great Clayton Kershaw even. He’s racking up strikeouts and keeping games close for the best team in the AL Central. By all accounts, he’s posted numbers that make a strong case for Salazar to be considered the new ace of the Indians. And yet…

Klubot on point

Corey Kluber (Cleveland Indians, 3.50 ERA/0.98 WHIP)

The Klubot is still turning in consistently great outings. Don’t let the ERA fool you, Kluber is still very much in the conversation for best pitcher in the American League. He’s tied with Sale for the lowest WHIP in the AL. He’s pitched the second most innings in the American League, striking out a batter every inning thanks to his robot mechanics. He’s tossed three complete games, two of which were shutouts. Take away a bad outing in Houston back in May, and Kluber’s numbers are right in line with the elite in the American League. I’m not ruling out a second Cy Young for Kluber just yet.

Cole Hamels (Texas Rangers, 2.60 ERA/1.22 WHIP)

He’s the ace of the best team in baseball. He’s striking out nearly a batter an inning and dominating the competition. Yet for Hamels, this season isn’t anything overly spectacular. His ERA is only the second best of his long, successful career after all. The advanced metrics indicate Hamels is do for significant regression, but his track record suggests that he can keep this up. And if he does continue to mow down the competition, at 32 years old he could challenge for the first Cy Young award of his career. Plus, he’s likely to clear 20 wins without a problem for a great Rangers team. Cool.

How to shut down the Red Sox offense: 88 MPH cheddar

Marco Estrada (Toronto Blue Jays, 2.81 ERA/0.99 WHIP)

The fact that Marco Estrada has just five wins on the year is criminal. Check out the elite statistics that Estrada has posted while essentially taking over as the ace of the Blue Jays:

5th in WHIP among major league starters.

Lowest batting average allowed by any starter in baseball.

Fewest hits per nine in all of baseball, at 5.35.

He’s striking out a fair amount of guys (92 over 99 IP), but the key to his success has been keeping the ball in the dirt. 24% of all balls in play against Estrada have failed to leave the infield. If the ball isn’t going very far, it’s going to be tough to get hits against him. Hitters just haven’t been able to make hard contract against Estrada and it’s created the recipe for a career year in Toronto.

Michael Fulmer (Detroit Tigers, 2.40 ERA/1.16 WHIP)

The only AL rookie pitcher worthy of an All-Star spot this year, Michael Fulmer has been incredible over his first 63.2 innings. He had a stretch of four straight scoreless starts that all went at least six innings back in early June. Probably one of the least heralded pitchers to make a debut this year, Michael Fulmer has undoubtably been the best rookie starter in the majors and should absolutely be in the running (if not the frontrunner) for American League Rookie of the Year. Congratulations to Fulmer for making my All-Star roster and here’s hoping managers and other players recognize your stud-liness.

Masahiro Tanaka (New York Yankees, 3.01 ERA/1.03 WHIP)

Pitching with a UCL that still hasn’t been repaired, Masahiro Tanaka has looked almost like the rookie pitcher that took the American League by storm two years ago. He’s not a big strikeout guy anymore and none of his statistics really jump out as “wow” worthy. He’s simply a solid pitcher that keeps defying the odds. I’m the furthest thing from a Yankees fan, but what Tanaka has done this year certainly warrants recognition. For that, I’m giving Tanaka the spot as the last starter on the American League All-Star roster.

Zach Britton (Baltimore Orioles, 0.83 ERA/0.80 WHIP)

In a division that added Craig Kimbrel and Aroldis Chapman this offseason, who would have excitedly bet on Zach Britton to be the premier closer in the AL East. It’s not a knock on his previous work; Britton’s been a dependable, excellent closer in Baltimore. It’s just shocking how dominant he’s been in the ninth inning this season. Coming off an All-Star 2015 campaign that saw Britton rise into the upper echelon of relief pitchers, Britton has somehow shown marked improvement. The 28 year old is allowing two fewer hits per nine and by all accounts his advanced statistics are actually improved from last season. I’m sure Britton will have trouble keeping a sub-1.00 ERA. That shouldn’t detract from the notion that he’s clearly one of the five best closers in the game.

“Gosh, it feels good to finally close games!”

Will Harris (Houston Astros, 0.80 ERA/0.86 WHIP)

For as great as Britton has been, Will Harris has an equal claim to the title of best reliever in the American League. He posted a 1.90 ERA in 2015 and has slashed that figure in half (and then some) thus far. The most notable number when looking at Will Harris’s first half has been the home runs hit off him: 0. Harris keeps the ball in the yard and offers no favors to the opposition, as evidenced by his 1.6 walks per nine, easily a career best. With ridiculous numbers all season, it’s a wonder it took A.J. Hinch and the Astros so long to move Harris to the ninth inning. But he’s there now and doesn’t look to be going anywhere.

If you’re seeing this, it’s already too late

Andrew Miller (New York Yankees, 1.34 ERA/0.62 WHIP)

One of just three relievers to strike out 100 batters last year, Andrew Miller has already struck out 63 batters over just 33.2 innings in 2016. That adds up to a 16.8 K/9. Absurd. He’s walked just three batters all season and has given up only eighteen hits. He’d probably have an ERA better than Britton or Harris if he hadn’t given up four home runs already. Nevertheless, Andrew Miller finished 10th in Cy Young voting last season and looks even better in his second year in the Bronx. In a vaunted bullpen armed with arguably the most exciting closer in the game, Andrew Miller has undoubtably been the best pound-for-pound pitcher in pinstripes this year.

Wade Davis (Kansas City Royals, 0.99 ERA/0.95 WHIP)

As a reliever, Wade Davis finished sixth in the Cy Young voting last season. While he hasn’t quite matched last year’s dominance, Davis is still set to post his second straight season with a sub-1.00 ERA. The strikeouts are down, the walks are up, yet Wade Davis continues to dominate the ninth inning. He’s yet to allow a home run and has just one blown save on the year. The Royals bullpen isn’t what it once was, but Wade Davis is still one of the best relievers in the business.

“Lo-Cain” more like “Where’d It Go-Cain,” am I right?

Brad Brach (Baltimore Orioles, 1.05 ERA/0.84 WHIP)

For as valuable as Zach Britton has been in the ninth inning, Baltimore has relished Brad Brach in a setup role to an equal degree. It’s amazing what improved control will do for a pitcher. Cutting down on his walks in a big way, Brad Brach has maintained his strikeout tendencies and become a lock-down reliever in the back end of an excellent Baltimore pen. He’s got 50 strikeouts already and could push towards 100 by the season’s end. With Darren O’Day, an All-Star last year, missing a good portion of the first half, Brad Brach has been huge in maintaining leads in Camden Yards. A lot of players have been pleasant surprises in Baltimore this year and Brach is just another great story for the O’s.

Bad quality gif, excellent quality pitch

Dellin Betances (New York Yankees, 2.89 ERA/0.91 WHIP)

Despite nearly doubling his ERA from last year, Dellin Betances has remained an elite reliever on pace to strikeout about 120 batters. In an improved backend, Betances’s usage hasn’t been nearly as high this year as the previous two. As a result, his statistics have actually taken a bit of a hit. A victim of some bad luck over a relatively small sample, Betances has actually improved significantly this season. His BB/9 is down from 4.3 to 1.9 this year. His K/9 is up from 14.0 to 16.2. His K/BB is up from 3.28 to 8.38 as a result. That’s incredible improvement. Take away a few unlucky hits and we might be talking about Betances as the most exciting reliever in baseball. And in the All-Star Game, you better bet I’m looking for excitement.

When the praises go up…

Kelvin Herrera (Kansas City Royals, 1.47 ERA/0.87 WHIP)

Seizing the last spot in the AL All-Star Bullpen, the one-time All-Star and darling of Ned Yost is set to make another appearance in the Midsummer Classic. And Herrera is undoubtably deserving this year. His ERA is down more than a full run since last season. Like Betances, his walks are way down while his strikeouts are way up. His career K/BB is 3.20. This season, Kelvin Herrera is posting a 7.67 mark. The strides Kelvin Herrera has made since bursting onto the scene in 2014 are remarkable and he’s a big reason why the Royals bullpen is still one of the elite in major league baseball. Why not make him a two-time All-Star?

That does it for the American League All-Star pitching staff. Come back tomorrow, when I shall reveal the hotly contested All-Star staff in the National League (spoiler: there’s a good chance Clayton Kershaw makes an appearance).

The King of Crime: Martin Scorsese’s Legacy

I love the crime film genre. Pulp Fiction is undoubtably my favorite film of all time. The Godfather is an absolute masterpiece. Fight Club, The Usual Suspects, Fargo, Scarface, and on and on. For whatever reason, Hollywood and movie-goers adore stories about murder, deceit, and corruption. Whether it be detectives, mobs, heists, or straight up police thrillers, crime sells. And in the world of crime cinema, no director does it better Marty.

In a filmmaking career spanning over forty years, Martin Scorsese is a member of the most exclusive class of directors in the business. Nobody has consistently directed masterworks for as long as Scorsese, and there’s a very small class of directors with bodies of work that compare to the Italian-American genius.

No, Scorsese is not exclusively a producer of violence. From The Last Temptation of Christ to The Aviator to The King of Comedy, Scorsese has released plenty of highly successful films that avoid acts of the criminal persuasion. Hell, he even directed the film adaptation of Brian Selznick’s “The Invention of Hugo Cabret,” or Hugo as it’s better known. Scorsese has the chops to direct a solid film about almost anything (I’d love to see a Scorsese rom-com, personally), but he’s at his best when the subject matter creeps toward the decrepit.

Scorsese on the set of “Taxi Driver”

The general public seems to agree. Say what you will about IMDB’s rating algorithm, but the facts don’t lie. Of their esteemed Top Rated 250 list, six films are Martin Scorsese productions. Four of those films fall under the crime genre and the other two are borderline criminal in their own rights. Among his contemporaries, the Coen Brothers and Quentin Tarantino are the only arguable competitors, but neither have the volume of top-notch work to match Scorsese.

Where’s the evidence, you may ask? After all, I’ve just piled on praises for Scorsese without even referencing any of the films that this argument is built upon. Well, the answer is two-fold. One, I’m making this case based on my personal beliefs, mostly, with the occasional public opinion statistic to back up my assertions. Two, I’m obviously going to discuss his films individually. After all, what kind of fan would I be if I couldn’t point to specific moments of specific films that form my own opinion?

Let’s start with the first major production of Scorsese’s career and the film that kickstarted Robert De Niro’s extensive career. Released in 1973, Martin Scorsese’s Mean Streets was akin to Michael Jordan’s rookie season. A glimpse of greatness, but nothing remotely close to his forthcoming peak. Mean Streets, with De Niro and Harvey Keitel, established the filmmaking style that would lead to Scorsese’s immense success. Intertwining crime, personal relationships, and religion into a neat package, Scorsese’s first crime foray was brief and unpolished, but full of promise.

“You don’t make up for your sins in church. You do it in the streets.”

For one, Mean Streets introduced the rock and roll soundtrack that set apart Scorsese from his peers. An avid music lover who recently produced HBO’s Vinyl, Scorsese essentially introduced the film industry to the Rolling Stones as soon as De Niro walked into a bar clad with two women as “Jumpin’ Jack Flash” drowned out the sounds of the bustling, rowdy establishment. Ingraining rock music into the crime film genre, Mean Streets was Scorsese expanding the borders of the genre for essentially the first time since Steve McQueen. He also flashed some of the film techniques that would come to define the most memorable moments of his most popular films, including the unparalleled use of tracking shots and sound editing. It’s no Godfather, but Mean Streets is the personal film that Scorsese needed to find his voice as a director.

Three years later, Scorsese and De Niro teamed up for the minimalist masterpiece that transformed the pair into the premier dynamic duo in the film industry. Moving away from the joking, fool of a character in Mean Streets, De Niro’s performance in 1976’s Taxi Driver was the superstar solidifier. Sure, playing young Don Corleone in Francis Ford Coppola’s The Godfather: Part II was the role of a lifetime for De Niro, but working with Scorsese for the second time was where De Niro officially became the face of crime film.

“Here is a man who stood up.”

Straying from the flamboyance that allowed De Niro to overshadow the main character in Mean Streets, the mentally unstable Travis Bickle proved that young De Niro could handle heavier subject matter with more complex characters. Every moment in the film, from the interview securing his taxi driver position to the pained, unbearably desperate phone call to Cybill Shepherd’s Betsy, established a deeply broken, mentally fragile protagonist who doesn’t bother to earn the sympathy of the viewer. Scorsese’s intention in Taxi Driver isn’t to make Travis Bickle a likable, sympathetic character; he only cares about examining the emotional state of a veteran unable to readjust to civilian life. The famous “you talkin’ to me?” scene may carry the most memorable line, but it serves to masterfully illustrate the way Scorsese uses intimate moments within his films to establish the true story.

A fourteen year hiatus from the genre, spanning the entirety of the 1980s, did nothing to depreciate Scorsese’s brilliant handling of violent subject matter. If anything, 1990 watched the famed director release the Sistine Chapel of his career. Goodfellas, another De Niro classic that brought back Joe Pesci from his earlier role in 1980’s Raging Bull, is Scorsese pulling out all the stops. From Ray Liotta’s narration throughout the film, a Scorsese staple, to the blend of humor and violence brought by Joe Pesci’s Tommy DeVito to the incredible nightclub tracking shot, Scorsese’s brilliance is on full display. However, it’s the dead body montage set to Derek & the Dominos’ “Layla” that truly illustrates the trademark mix of gore, emotion, and tongue-in-cheek devastation that so many Scorsese classics work to capture.

“You understand? We were good fellas. Wiseguys.”

1995’s Casino, another De Niro and Pesci pairing, is somewhat of a victory lap for Scorsese and his longtime “partner in crime.” The last film pairing Scorsese and Robert De Niro, Casino brings together every trick in the filmmaker’s extensive book. The intertwined narration of De Niro and Pesci over the first forty odd minutes of the film is a directorial gimmick taken to the extreme that overlays an overlong montage of short clips to provide exposition. The beginning of the movie is Scorsese bucking the established filmmaking norm simply because he can. You say avoid expository dialogue, he’s going to take exposition to the extreme. Honestly, the storyline and cast repetition does invoke Goodfellas to a point, but the directorial extravagances allow for Casino to breathe on its own and establish a singular legacy, while simultaneously representing the end of Scorsese and De Niro’s partnership to date.

“From now on, I want you to put an equal amount of blueberries in each muffin.”

So what? Scorsese worked with a talented actor in Robert De Niro to achieve his success, one might surmise.

Sure, but finding talented actors for his films should not detract from the brilliance of Martin Scorsese. Plus, as evidenced by his films since Casino, De Niro was not carrying Scorsese in any sense.

Picking up post-Titanic Leonardo DiCaprio, the Scorsese machine kept right on chugging in 2002. Releasing arguably his worst crime film (which is still damn good, for what it’s worth), Gangs of New York introduced Leonardo DiCaprio to the world of true A-List celebrities while simultaneously reintroducing Martin Scorsese to the mainstream after a seven year absence from a true blockbuster.

Yet it was his third offering with DiCaprio (and second in the crime genre) that finally brought home Martin Scorsese the ultimate prize, the Academy Award for Best Achievement in Directing. Assembling an all-time cast, including DiCaprio, Matt Damon, Jack Nicholson, Mark Wahlberg, Martin Sheen, and Alec Baldwin, The Departed delivered Martin Scorsese the award for best director after nearly 35 years in the business. What took so long?

From the beginning voice over with Jack Nicholson’s mob boss Frank Costello, it’s obvious Scorsese is working at peak creativity levels. With the entire scene set to the Rolling Stones’ “Gimme Shelter” (imagery that is forever associated with that song in my mind), debauchery and evils are presented as sleazy with a hint of class, an almost impossible balance to strike. The use of repeated shock cuts randomly cutting off non-diegetic music is both jarring and brilliant on the part of Scorsese. The game of cat-and-mouse between DiCaprio and Damon is ridiculously well-written, but the true brilliance of Scorsese is his willingness to accept new ideas. Letting Jack Nicholson make alterations to his character, including an executive decision to throw cocaine on strippers in one scene, is what truly elevates this crime flick to the upper class of the genre. I could go on, but The Departed is one crime film that must be seen to be fully appreciated.

From there, Scorsese got ahold of the executives at HBO and created one of the cable service’s greatest television successes, Boardwalk Empire. Executive producer for one of the most successful crime television shows of all time is pretty impressive, even if Boardwalk Empire is still overshadowed by fellow HBO products like The Sopranos and The Wire. If anything, the foray into premium television simply proved that Scorsese brilliance is suitable on any platform.

Lastly, Scorsese most recent box-office smash is the epitome of film decadence. Addressing white collar crime for the first time in his long career, The Wolf of Wall Street is an over-the-top three-hour victory lap for DiCaprio and Scorsese. Emphasizing the comedic aspects of the film, The Wolf of Wall Street is jet-fueled, quaalude-infused wackiness based on a true story, like most of Scorsese’s work. From an impaired DiCaprio trying to open a car door with his foot to Matthew McConaughey pounding his chest while humming, Scorsese doesn’t shy away from the absurd. I mean, Scorsese has DiCaprio directly address the camera like he’s Ferris f’n Bueller. If Casino was essentially a victory lap, The Wolf of Wall Street is Martin Scorsese telling the filmmaking community that he can do whatever he wants. It’s the rare freedom that so few directors ever get their hands on.

“Good luck on that subway ride home to your miserable, ugly wives!”

Martin Scorsese has a resume befitting of a man who need never work again. And yet, he’s currently got projects lined up for ages, including a Jimmy Hoffa-inspired film set to bring De Niro and Pesci back into the fold, as well as reintroduce Al Pacino to the crime film world, and a project posing DiCaprio as a serial-killing doctor in 1893. He’s 73 and showing no signs of slowing down. And you know why? Because true geniuses have a duty to share their talents with the world for as long as they shall live.

Already the master of the crime film genre, Martin Scorsese is going to keep making films until the day he dies. And we, as an audience, do not deserve this good fortune.

To paraphrase Sam “Ace” Rothstein in Casino:

“There are three ways of doing things around here: the right way, the wrong way, and the way that Martin Scorsese does it. You understand?”

What Just Happened? Grading and Analyzing Each Pick in the 2016 NBA Draft

#1 Pick, Philadelphia 76ers – Ben Simmons (PF, LSU)

Grade: A

No brainer. Needs to work on his jump shot, but he’s already an elite rebounder, an excellent passer for his size, and deadly in transition. With a little development, he could form an excellent foundation for the Sixers rebuild. He’s a good fit with any of the three big men already on Philly’s roster, but somebody is eventually going to be traded. Still, Simmons seems like an excellent building block for a team that’s been rebuilding for ages. #TrustTheProcess

#2 Pick, Los Angeles Lakers – Brandon Ingram (SF, Duke)

Grade: A+

The Lakers were always destined to pick either Simmons or Brandon Ingram. With Simmons off the board, the Lakers took the second best player in the draft and called it a night. With Kobe gone, L.A. needs a new star on the wing and Ingram could bring that to Luke Walton’s young Lakers. Paired with D’Angelo Russell, Julius Randle, and Jordan Clarkson, the Lakers should push the tempo and feed the ball to excellent isolation players in Randle and Ingram in the half-court game. Ingram may not have the tools to become an All-NBA performer, but he’s safe and should immediately bring shooting and defense to a Lakers team coming off a franchise-worst season.

#3 Pick, Boston Celtics – Jaylen Brown (SF, California)

Grade: C+

I both get and don’t get this pick. On the one hand, Jaylen Brown is clearly the best fit available for the Celtics. He’s an athletic freak that seems to be developing a more consistent jump-shot. At best, he becomes a slightly better version of current Celtics forward, Jae Crowder. On the other hand, the Celtics are full to the brim with average or slightly above-average NBA talent and Brown doesn’t figure to have much of a chance to be a true star in the League. He’s a good fit, but the Celtics should have pursued a higher-upside selection or grabbed a more coveted player to work into a potential trade for real talent.

#4 Pick, Phoenix Suns – Dragan Bender (PF, Croatia)

Grade: A-

Dragan Bender is a young, skilled big man with unknown upside. He’s got the length to play in the NBA, but his frame is on the thin side and adding bulk would go a long way to raising his ceiling. In Phoenix, he should get on-job training and could compete for major minutes in short order. He could range anywhere from Kristaps Porzingis to Darko Milicic. The Suns took a gamble to transform their frontcourt. In a guard heavy lottery, the Suns nabbed perhaps the best big not named Ben Simmons.

#5 Pick, Minnesota Timberwolves – Kris Dunn (PG, Providence)

Grade: A

Defense and playmaking. Hold on, I got this one: what are two things Tom Thibodeau looks for in his players? Ding, ding, ding! Kris Dunn is a potentially elite defender at the point guard spot and has displayed ability to be a fine playmaker at the professional level. He’s not an elite shooter, and that’s one area the Timberwolves still need to address to take another step towards relevancy. Still, Dunn offers a combo-guard that proves an immediate upgrade in the backcourt and offers a potential replacement for Ricky Rubio should a trade be imminent. Nice pick, nabbing a player that seemed to be in high demand from several other organizations.

#6 Pick, New Orleans Pelicans – Buddy Hield (SG, Oklahoma)

Grade: A-

Next to Anthony Davis, Jrue Holiday, and Tyreke Evans, Buddy Hield provides much needed three-point shooting. He’s probably not going to develop into a well-rounded star, as his primary NBA skill is just shooting (granted his shooting could make him instantly one of the best deep threats in the game). His playmaking is a work in-progress and his defense may be league average at this point. Still, the Pelicans needed a good secondary scorer to pair with the Brow and may very well have a solid number two option on their hands.

#7 Pick, Denver Nuggets – Jamal Murray (SG, Kentucky)

Grade: B-

The Nuggets don’t have any glaring holes on the roster, but shooting is something modern NBA teams can never have too much of. In this draft, Buddy Hield and Jamal Murray are easily the top three-point threats and Murray arguably offers more potential as a playmaker than Hield. He’s a solid selection, but comments after the selection seem to insist that Murray thinks of himself as a point guard, when in reality, he’s more likely to play off the ball in Denver. It may not be a problem, but I’m hesitant to say he’s got a definitively higher ceiling than his competition at the two, Gary Harris. It seems all-too-likely that Murray will turn into a sixth man for the Nuggets in a young, crowded backcourt.

#8 Pick, Phoenix Suns (Via Sacramento Kings) – Marquese Chriss (PF, Washington)

Grade: B+

Chriss is the insane athlete that always rises high on draft boards, only to theoretically “slip” on draft night. He’s a solid rebounder and can shoot the ball well from distance. On a Suns team that prioritizes shooting and pace, Chriss is theoretically a perfect fit. Paired with Bender, the Suns have taken a huge gamble on two of the more volatile young bigs in the draft. Bender has the higher ceiling of the two and will likely get priority in the early going for Phoenix. I’d like Chriss better if I knew he’d be given an equal opportunity as his fellow lottery selection. Either way, I expect him to make some highlight dunks in his NBA career.

#9 Pick, Toronto Raptors – Jakob Poeltl (C, Utah)

Grade: A

Safe pick. Not likely to be a star, but should be a quality rotational big in the NBA for a long time. Traditional back-to-the-basket scorer that battles on the boards and is acceptable on defense. Should step right in to the back-up center role in Toronto and might even chip away at Jonas Valanciunas’s playing time.

#10 Pick, Milwaukee Bucks – Thon Maker (C, Australia)

Grade: D+

This could be the steal of the draft. It could also turn into an absolute disaster. There’s questions about his age, he’s unproven against higher-level talent, and length is pretty much his calling card at this point. The Bucks are going all-in on length and are likely to move Greg Monroe an open up an opportunity for Maker to prove his worth. Nevertheless, this seems like an overly risky pick for a team that’s looking to battle back into the playoffs with an already-set core.

#11 Pick, Oklahoma City Thunder (Via Orlando Magic) – Domantas Sabonis (PF, Gonzaga)

Grade: B-

Replacing Serge Ibaka on the Thunder is going to be no easy task. Sabonis has questionable length and is likely to attribute to a mild drop-off in the Thunder’s defensive efficiency. Still, he’s a solid scorer with nice touch around the basket. He hustles, rebounds, and has the ever-popular “motor” that teams covet so heavily. Much like his frontcourt partner, Steven Adams, he should be low-maintenance and complement Russell Westbrook and Kevin Durant well. He’s should be a rotational big for a long time, but his ceiling is fairly low for a typical lottery selection.

#12 Pick, Atlanta Hawks (Via Utah Jazz) – Taurean Prince (SF, Baylor)

Grade: A

Three-and-D potential with a high motor. He’s a good defender, rebounder, and shooter that should be fine in a minimal role for the Hawks. In an ideal world, Prince turns into the DeMarre Carroll that Atlanta misses so much. More likely, he’s a slightly lesser version that hustles and makes winning plays. Not much risk, potential for a decent reward with this pick.

#13 Pick, Sacramento Kings (Via Phoenix Suns) – Georgios Papagiannis (C, Greece)

Grade: D-

WHAT? DeMarcus Cousins sure didn’t like this move. Unless Boogie is on the way out, this selection makes very little sense. Papagiannis isn’t likely to make his debut for another year or two, and while he could be a fine rotational big, this doesn’t seem like a smart selection for a team that has struggled to return to the playoffs and doesn’t face a cap crunch that would necessitate a draft-and-stash. Very tempted to change this to an “F” right now.

#14 Pick, Chicago Bulls – Denzel Valentine (SG, Michigan State)

Grade: B

Questions about his knees aside, Denzel Valentine is a fine player. He’s a good shooter, playmaker, and rebounder for his size. He’s versatile on defense and could pair nicely as a facilitator of sorts in Chicago. Solid role player.

#15 Pick, Denver Nuggets – Juan Hernangomez (PF, Spain)

Grade: C+

If this were a clear draft-and-stash I would applaud the Nuggets for this selection. As is, it appears Hernangomez expects to play in the NBA next year, on a team with no space for him and bringing a skill set that is fairly redundant on the current Nuggets roster. He could be a decent stretch-four off the bench, but he’d be best accepting a stash overseas for another year of development rather than burying himself on the Denver bench.

#16 Pick, Boston Celtics – Guerschon Yabusele (PF, France)

Grade: D+

A draft-and-stash always made sense if the Celtics kept the 16th pick. Still, Yabusele was clearly not the most enticing international prospect. He’s not remarkably young and his best comparison is that of a lesser Draymond Green. Considering Draymond Green is a highly unlikely standard to set, Yabusele might have trouble defining a role when he finally makes his NBA debut. This would be a fine selection at 46th. At 16th, it’s a massive, unnecessary reach.

#17 Pick, Memphis Grizzlies – Wade Baldwin IV (PG, Vanderbilt)

Grade: A-

If Mike Conley leaves in free agency, the Grizzlies have a competent point guard to turn to; if not, he’s prepared to be a good backup for a long time. He’s athletic, a decent shooter, and a good defender. He also possesses the size and skills to play off the ball in two-playmaker lineups. He’s also a fairly local product, so that’s nice too. Memphis made a very smart move here.

#18 Pick, Detroit Pistons – Henry Ellenson (PF, Marquette)

Grade: A

Good young shooter and rebounder. Likely should have went higher in the draft. Not a terribly high ceiling, but offers enough value to be a rotation big in the NBA. The Pistons did well to get a younger version of Donatas Motiejunas in the draft. Should slot in well as a backup center and offer twin tower potential with Andre Drummond.

#19 Pick, Denver Nuggets – Malik Beasley (SG, Florida State)

Grade: B

Should be a good shooter, combo-guard spark off the bench in Denver. Think DJ Augustin, another guard on the 2015 Nuggets. Could be a great bench scorer for years to come. Still, the Nuggets are crowded in the backcourt and it’s likely Beasley will struggle to find playing time out of the gate.

#20 Pick, Brooklyn Nets (Via Indiana Pacers) – Caris LeVert (SG, Michigan)

Grade: C+

The ultimate risk-reward. LeVert has been a lottery-level talent for years. He’s also been constantly injured and carries a bunch of medical red flags. If he’s healthy, the Nets could have a true, well-rounded star to build around in the backcourt. If not, this pick looks like an unnecessary risk and a waste of future assets to climb into the back-end of a draft lacking in star potential.

#21 Pick, Atlanta Hawks – DeAndre’ Bembry (SG, St. Joseph’s)

Grade: B+

Not a great shooter, but he’s got a good feel for the game. Solid defender at both wing spots, good playmaker, and best hair in the draft. Should be a terrific fit on the Atlanta bench.

#22 Pick, Sacramento Kings (Via Charlotte Hornets) – Malachi Richardson (SG, Syracuse)

Grade: D+

Great athlete, good shooter, and not much else. On a Sacramento team that has failed again and again to provide opportunities for Ben McLemore to grow, it’s doubtful that Richardson is given a fair shake for the Kings. Also, he’s fairly one-dimensional and there seems to be much better options for Sacramento in this part of the draft. But hey, his tournament was pretty awesome!

#23 Pick, Boston Celtics – Ante Zizic (C, Croatia)

Grade: A

Zizic would’ve made a good stash for the Celtics at pick #16. He’s got lottery-level potential as a high-motor big man in a couple of years. Honestly, I don’t understand why the Celtics didn’t take Zizic earlier and pass on Yabusele. Either way, a great stash that could pay off nicely in the near-future.

#24 Pick, Philadelphia 76ers – Timothe Luwawu (SF, France)

Grade: A+

For most teams, Luwawu would be a clear stash and would still be a great selection. He’s got ridiculous athleticism, is rapidly improving as a shooter, and offers enough room to grow into a great NBA wing. Throw in that he’s going to arrive in Philadelphia for a team starved of talent on the wings, and Philadelphia offers a great opportunity for the French star to develop his game against premier talent. He’s a highlight reel play waiting to happen and I’m excited that he’s destined for a sizable role right off the bat.

#25 Pick, Los Angeles Clippers – Brice Johnson (PF, North Carolina)

Grade: A

Amazing touch and a high release point on his shot that should translate into NBA success. He’s also got tremendous athleticism to make up for some of his defensive lapses. For a Clippers team that has traditionally struggled to find frontcourt depth, Johnson seems to be a low-risk pick that fills an immediate need for Los Angeles.

#26 Pick, Philadelphia 76ers – Furkan Korkmaz (SG, Turkey)

Grade: A-

I had this pick rated as a slam dunk “A+” when I thought Korkmaz would immediately make the transition to the NBA. Instead, it looks like he’ll spend another year overseas developing. He’s athletic, a great shooter, and offers potential as a playmaker. I had him ranked as a borderline lottery talent coming into the draft. Philadelphia got extremely lucky with this selection, even if Sixers fans will have to wait a year to reap the reward.

#27 Pick, Toronto Raptors – Pascal Siakam (PF, New Mexico State)

Grade: C+

Another frontcourt depth move for the Raptors. He’s a good scorer with a decent midrange game and solid rebounding skills. Still, he’s got a low-ceiling in a part of the draft where many higher-upside bigs were still available. Not a bad pick, but not outstanding either.

#28 Pick, Sacramento Kings (Via Phoenix Suns) – Skal Labissiere (C, Kentucky)

Grade: B

Tremendous potential that’s likely to be buried on the Kings’ depth chart behind DeMarcus Cousins and Willie Cauley-Stein. If opportunity opens up, Labissiere still has the size and skill set that made him a top recruit less than a year ago. I’d love him on almost any other team; on the Kings, he seems like another great prospect destined to be buried on the depth chart.

#29 Pick, San Antonio Spurs – Dejounte Murray (SG, Washington)

Grade: A-

Tremendous athlete, size to play off the ball, skills to handle point guard duties, and he’s a Spur. The rich continue to get richer. His ceiling is that of Manu Ginobili. Who cares about his floor? After all, he’ll have to truly impress to crack the Spurs rotation should Ginobili himself return to San Antonio.

#30 Pick, Golden State Warriors – Damian Jones (C, Vanderbilt)

Grade: A+

Replacing the inevitable departure of Festus Ezeli should be top priority for Golden State. Damian Jones offers an immediate option to soak up back-up center minutes. He’s a good rebounder, defender, and scorer around the basket. He’s a little undersized for the position, but that seems like a perfect fit for a Warriors team that loves to go small. He’s also a college junior who shouldn’t require further development. Slam dunk selection.

#31 Pick, Memphis Grizzlies (Via Boston Celtics) – Deyonta Davis (PF, Michigan State)

Grade: A+

Young, raw, terrific defensive tools. Should step into a decent role in Memphis off the bat and offer a potential replacement for Zach Randolph down the road. It’s very rare to get a Green Room guy in the second round. Memphis made a smart trade to select Davis.

#32 Pick, Los Angeles Lakers – Ivica Zubac (C, Croatia)

Grade: B

Roy Hibbert, Tarik Black, and Robert Sacre. That’s the bar Ivica Zubac, the Croatian beast, needs to clear to be worth the price for the Lakers. He’s big, strong, and a good rebounder. He should have no trouble finding minutes in L.A. next season.

#33 Pick, New Orleans Pelicans (Via Los Angeles Clippers) – Cheick Diallo (PF, Kansas)

Grade: A-

Only 6’9″, but he’s got an incredible wingspan that could afford him minutes next to Anthony Davis in his rookie year. Raw, but offers rebounding and defensive chops to survive the Pelicans’ frontcourt rotation next season.

#34 Pick, Phoenix Suns – Tyler Ulis (PG, Kentucky)

Grade: B-

Undersized and going to a team loaded at the point guard position. The opportunity isn’t there, but he’s talented, scrappy, and a solid facilitator that has an outside shot to transform into an Isaiah Thomas-like success.

#35 Pick, Memphis Grizzlies (Via Boston Celtics) – Rade Zagorac (SF, Serbia)

Grade: C+

Draft-and-stash wing that isn’t likely to play in the NBA at any point. Athletic, but raw and devoid of a clear NBA-level skill.

#36 Pick, Milwaukee Bucks – Malcolm Brogdon (SG, Virginia)

Grade: A

Good defender, shooter, and playmaker that could do well learning the NBA ropes from his prototype, best-case-scenario, Khris Middleton. Either way, he’s a smart player that should find minutes off the bench for the Bucks in his rookie season.

#37 Pick, Houston Rockets – Chinanu Onuaku (C, Louisville)

Grade: D

Great defensive talent, but extremely raw on the offensive end. With guys like Montrezl Harrell and Clint Capela on the roster, Onuaku doesn’t make a terrific amount of sense for the Rockets. Probably just a D-League player initially.

#38 Pick, Golden State Warriors (Via Milwaukee Bucks) – Pat McCaw (SG, UNLV)

Grade: A-

Good athlete with a well-rounded game. Man, a bunch of the players in this draft could fit that exact description. This is just a really unexciting draft. Either way, the Warriors get good wing depth here. Another guy who could wind up in the D-League his entire rookie season.

#39 Pick, Los Angeles Clippers (Via New Orleans Pelicans) – David Michineau (PG, France)

Grade: C-

Athletic point guard that doesn’t shoot particularly well. Clear stash that isn’t likely to make an NBA impact at any point. Then again, maybe the Clippers get desperate if Chris Paul departs in free agency. You never know.

#40 Pick, Los Angeles Clippers (Via New Orleans Pelicans) – Diamond Stone (C, Maryland)

Grade: B

More frontcourt depth for the Clippers. Undersized and not terrifically exciting, but he’s an excellent rebounder and decent low-post scorer with a developing midrange game. Could carve out a decent bench role right off the bat.

#41 Pick, Orlando Magic – Stephen Zimmerman (C, UNLV)

Grade: A-

Bouncy young center that’s a good rebounder, defender, and finisher around the rim. Basically, a perfect backup for Nikola Vucevic on the Magic.

#42 Pick, Brooklyn Nets (Via Utah Jazz) – Isaiah Whitehead (SG, Seton Hall)

Grade: A-

Hometown kid who scores the ball. The Nets need guards that can score. Brooklyn isn’t going anywhere fast, so this is a good selection if only because he might bring some excitement to the fanbase.

#43 Pick, Houston Rockets – Zhou Qi (C, China)

Grade: A

Oh look, a Chinese center drafted by the Rockets. It’s Yao Ming all over again. Except, Zhou Qi is less polished and unlikely to make his NBA debut for at least another year, more than likely two. Nevertheless, he’s an excellent rebounder and shot-blocker with decent hands. Probably a better stash than at least two or three international players taken earlier.

#44 Pick, Atlanta Hawks – Isaia Cordinier (SF, France)

Grade: B

Another stash for the Hawks. Decent player that could develop the tools to make it in the NBA. If not, I doubt the Hawks will lose any sleep.

#45 Pick, Boston Celtics – Demetrius Jackson (PG, Notre Dame)

Grade: A-

No, the Celtics DO NOT need any more point guards. As is, Jackson doesn’t look like a great bet to even crack the Celtics roster out of training camp. However, he’s a tremendous athlete and great defender. Jackson could have easily been a borderline lottery pick. Even though he doesn’t have any path for playing time in Boston, he’s still incredible value this late in the draft.

#46 Pick, Dallas Mavericks – A.J. Hammonds (C, Purdue)

Grade: A+

Great size, terrific rebounder, and polished low-post presence. Older prospect that doesn’t offer much upside, but as is, Hammonds should still be a quality backup center with the potential to run away with a sizable role on a Mavericks team lacking consistency from their bench bigs.

#47 Pick, Portland Trail Blazers (Via Orlando Magic) – Jake Layman (PF, Maryland)

Grade: C

Passive at times, but a good shooter with decent enough athleticism. Could carve out a niche role in Portland, but not likely to be anything special.

#48 Pick, Chicago Bulls – Paul Zipser (SF, Germany)

Grade: C+

Athlete, raw, etc. Nice stash that could wind up on the Bulls roster in a couple years. Or not. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

#49 Pick, Detroit Pistons – Michael Gbinije (SF, Syracuse)

Grade: A

Good shooter, offers solid playmaking on the wing, and provides consistency that is much needed on the Detroit bench. He’s also low-maintenance, which Coach Van Gundy loves in his players. He’ll have a decent-sized role if he continues to hone his craft.

#50 Pick, Indiana Pacers – Georges Niang (SF, Iowa State)

Grade: C+

Not a terrific athlete, defender, or rebounder. Makes his money off shooting well from distance and posting up smaller players. In Indiana, finding a role for Niang might be difficult, even if Larry Bird loves the guy. Best case scenario: he finds a way to thrive in a niche role like Doug McDermott in Chicago. Another great college player that lacks a true NBA skill.

#51 Pick, Boston Celtics – Ben Bentil (PF, Providence)

Grade: A-

Great scorer that shoots well from the power forward position. He doesn’t have overwhelming size, but his polished offensive game might allow for a deep bench spot on an NBA roster at some point. In his rookie year, however, he’s likely to just be a D-League standout.

#52 Pick, Utah Jazz – Joel Bolomboy (PF, Weber State)

Grade: B-

Athletic big with tremendous length. Not terrific at any one aspect of the game, but his overall skill set is fairly useful in a limited capacity at the NBA. Not exciting, but not risky either.

#53 Pick, Denver Nuggets – Petr Cornelia (PF, France)

Grade: B+

Good shooter. Cerebral player. Nice stash. Not much else to say, I guess.

#54 Pick, Cleveland Cavaliers (Via Atlanta Hawks) – Kay Felder (PG, Oakland)

Grade: A

Dellavedova is very likely gone in Cleveland. Mo Williams can be a serviceable backup point guard for the Cavs and the team could still sign another backup for Kyrie. Kay Felder is undersized, but he’s a good shooter and solid playmaker. Maybe he can try to place Delly (an unenviable task, but someone will have to try).

#55 Pick, Utah Jazz (Via Brooklyn Nets) – Marcus Paige (PG, North Carolina)

Grade: B-

Good shooter, playmaker, and experienced guard. The Jazz are suddenly crowded in the backcourt, so it’s tough to envision Paige cracking the rotation in Utah. Still, he’s a nice player with veteran instincts and good-enough athleticism. He might be good enough to replace Trey Burke, if given the opportunity.

#56 Pick, Oklahoma City Thunder (Via Denver Nuggets) – Daniel Hamilton (SF, UConn)

Grade: C

Not likely to make an impact. Weird shot mechanics and a still-raw skill set. Probably should have went back to UConn, but who am I to judge?

#57 Pick, Memphis Grizzlies – Wang Zhelin (C, China)

Grade: C-

Stash. Not likely to play in the NBA. That’s all anyone really needs to know.

#58 Pick, Boston Celtics – Abdel Nader (SG, Iowa State)

Grade: D

Even this late in the draft, the Celtics made a reach. Nader is a decent shooter, but he’s fairly one dimensional. Not likely to be anything more than Summer League fodder.

#59 Pick, Sacramento Kings – Isaiah Cousins (PG, Oklahoma)

Grade: A-

Streaky shooter and average playmaker. Still, he’s got grit and hits big shots. Plus, his range is easily good enough to survive in the NBA. If the Kings fail to sign a good point guard in free agent, he could actually find his way onto the roster. That’s pretty good for the 59th pick.

#60 Pick, Utah Jazz – Tyrone Wallace (PG, California)

Grade: B-

Older player, but a solid all-around point guard. Can score, rebound, and create for others. Also, probably never going to play in the NBA. So it goes, in the second round of a down draft.

From a quick, premature analysis, this year’s draft is light on players with star-potential and loaded with athletic guys that could be rotation players in the NBA. It’s not terribly exciting, but there’s still a lot to like, even in a bad draft. Unless you’re a Celtics fan that found the entire draft incredibly underwhelming (oops, that might’ve been me talking).

 

An Exercise in Futility: Picking Cleveland’s Replacement for the “Saddest Sports City” Title

LeBron James just cemented himself as one of the premier basketball talents in the history of the game. He should have been already, but the last three games of the 2016 Finals are definitive proof that no player has ever mixed athleticism, basketball IQ, and a variety of skills in the same way that LeBron has. Even if his team accomplishments haven’t yet garnered comparison to Michael Jordan (which shouldn’t matter, but so it goes), the King is clearly on par with Bird and Magic at this point in his career. He’s also probably got another five to ten years in the league to surpass them. Watching LeBron is incredible.

More importantly, LeBron James and the Cavaliers just delivered the city of Cleveland, Ohio its first professional sports championship since the 1964 Browns won the NFL Championship (note: the Super Bowl didn’t come around until 1966). The Cavaliers snapped a 52-year title drought in Northern Ohio, officially relieving the malaise that has plagued Cleveland sports.

With the championship drought in Cleveland at an end, a new city must now assume the responsibility that comes with bearing the major professional sports title drought. Bags on heads, constant bemoaning of front offices, expecting every new addition to be a bust, we’re talking about the whole nine yards here. Cleveland set the bar pretty high when it comes to wallowing in futility.

However, an obvious city doesn’t truly come to mind. Milwaukee is currently owners of the longest drought, but the majority of the city is dominated by Green Bay Packers fans, thus alleviating the pain of watching the Brewers and Bucks. There’s certainly a case to be made for Charlotte, but the Carolina Hurricanes won the Stanley Cup in 2006 and bear close enough proximity to the city to disqualify their contention. Despite being owners of three helpless professional sports teams and the most dissatisfied fanbase in North America, Philadelphia can still hang it’s hat on the 2008 Phillies World Series.

While finding a city to assume Cleveland’s mantle as “saddest sports city” is difficult, there are a select few that make compelling cases.

Nothing quite screams dissatisfaction in your team like a good ole bag on the head

First, let’s start in Canada, where Toronto is currently suffering at the hands of a major sports league title drought that stretches all the way back to 1993. The Raptors get somewhat of a pass; they’ve only been in existence since 1995, after all. Sure, they’ve been mostly listless in their existence, but 21 years isn’t an excruciatingly long wait for a team’s first NBA championship. The Blue Jays, despite being the last franchise to win a professional title in the city, have been hopeless for most of their 23-year drought, with last year’s playoff appearance representing the first since the ’93 World Series. Most importantly, in a hockey-dominated city, Toronto fans have had to go without so much as a Stanley Cup appearance in 48 years. The Maple Leafs, alongside the St. Louis Blues, are currently owners of the longest Stanley Cup drought of any NHL team and just started another rebuild. Toronto fans have every right to be anxious for their next professional championship.

Yet, Toronto does not have what it takes to assume Cleveland’s old mantle. Houston and Atlanta both pose compelling arguments, with neither city celebrating a professional sports title since 1995. While a shorter drought than Toronto, they have both dealt with closer brushes to success than their northern counterpart.

Houston has marched out a mostly competitive Rockets team since their last championship, while Atlanta has watched the Braves flirt with periodic playoff appearances in recent years. Still, both cities are home to a few incredibly long droughts. The Atlanta Hawks haven’t won a NBA championship since moving to the city in 1968, while the Falcons likewise haven’t won a Super Bowl in their existence, stretching back to 1966. Meanwhile, the Houston Astros currently sit just behind the Indians and Cubs for the third longest World Series drought in major league baseball, having failed to win it all for the entirety of their 54-year existence. Houston and Atlanta both have compelling cases for assuming the title of the “most troubled professional sports city in North America.”

However, both cities don’t hold a candle to San Diego when it comes to current droughts. San Diego may technically only have two major professional sports teams (and the Chargers may be on their way out), but for these purposes I’m going to count the Los Angeles Clippers towards San Diego as well, because I’m sure there are many older Clippers fans still hanging tight in San Diego after the 1984 move. Either way, the city has been without a professional sports title since 1963, when the Chargers won the NFL Championship. The Padres have existed since 1969 without a World Series to their name. And the Clippers moved to San Diego in 1978 and since then have been without a title, adding to the pain of San Diego-ites(?).

If the public is ready to apply the Cleveland’s curse to San Diego, that’s perfectly acceptable. I’d like to make the case for two other cities, though.

Washington, D.C. and Minneapolis/St. Paul are two of just thirteen North American cities that play host to a team for all four major professional sports leagues on the continent. Of those thirteen cities, the Twin Cities and the U.S. Capital are tied for the longest drought without a title from any of their four respective franchises. 1991 was the last time either city celebrated a professional championship, when the Redskins won the Super Bowl and the Twins triumphed in the World Series.

To be fair, both cities are relatively new hosts to one of the professional sports leagues. The Nationals have only existed in Washington since 2005, while the Wild came into the NHL in 2001. Neither of those droughts are particularly painful. It’s the other three teams that are the source of ire for Washington and Minnesota sports fans.

Let’s break down Minnesota first. Sports in the Twin Cities have been extremely lackluster. The Minnesota Timberwolves, an NBA expansion team in 1989, have advanced to the Conference Finals just once and have never made an appearance in the NBA Finals. In that time, they’ve witnessed their two biggest stars, Kevin Garnett and Kevin Love, both be traded away to win championships with other organizations. Despite an eight year playoff run behind Garnett, the Timberwolves have spent the other 20 years of their existence in a perpetual rebuild. Karl-Anthony Towns and Andrew Wiggins currently offer the promise of better days in Minnesota, but T-Wolves fans have already played witness to incredible talents failing to win before and probably shouldn’t get overly anxious, despite their talented core.

Timberwolves fans will have a hard time forgetting this mistake

Beyond the Timberwolves, Minneapolis and St. Paul have long supported the Twins, proprietors of the last title parade in Minnesota. Since relocating to the Land of Lakes in 1961, the Twins have won two World Series titles for the state of Minnesota. Sadly, since their last World Series, the Twins have made the playoffs just six times, with their last appearance occurring in 2010. While flirting with relevancy, the Twins have struggled to find a franchise cornerstone over much of the last 20+ years and have spent much of the 21st century wondering what might have been if management had kept David Ortiz.

Lastly, the Minnesota Vikings are yet another football franchise that hasn’t won in the Super Bowl era. However, in that time the Vikings have made 28 playoff appearances and played in four different Super Bowls. They’re simply a team that hasn’t been able to take the next step in the postseason, despite a variety of stars gracing the team, including Adrian Peterson and a retired Brett Favre. By all accounts, Minnesota sports have been rather listless for the better part of two and a half decades, while rarely carrying teams that even mustered legitimate title hope.

Minnesota fans probably won’t forget their latest playoff meltdown very soon

And yet, by the narrowest of margins, Washington, D.C. takes Cleveland’s mantle for the saddest sports city in North America. Sure, D.C. United has dominated the MLS in recent years, but soccer is still not considered a major North American sport in the eyes of the vast majority (though United actually drew slightly better crowds than the Wizards over the last year). Even with the recent rise of the MLS, the major four sports leagues still dominate bar conversations. And in these major sports, it’s been awhile since a Washington team has given our Congressmen reason to celebrate.

To start, the Washington Capitals, since their founding in 1974, have appeared in the Stanley Cup Finals once, while making the playoffs sporadically. Even in recent years, fronted by the premier goal scorer of the 21st century, the Caps have struggled in the postseason, including a letdown this year after winning the Presidents’ Trophy for the second time in franchise history. Alex Ovechkin and the Capitals figure to be in the thick of the Stanley Cup chase again next year, but until they actually make a postseason run, Washington fans will be stuck waiting for their first hockey championship.

“I feel the pain of everything, then I feel nothing…”

The second longest championship drought in Washington, stretching back to 1978, belongs to the Washington Bullets/Wizards. Since the days of Wes Unseld, the Wizards have been a mighty random mess. Throughout the eighties they were unable to field consistent teams and never challenged the Celtics and Lakers for NBA supremacy. After shipping out Moses Malone and rebuilding, the Wizards struggled to find a new franchise cornerstone throughout the ’90s and consistently missed the playoffs for the better part of a decade (through that Chris Webber run was alright). Through Michael Jordan’s post-retirement victory lap, Gilbert Arenas’s rise and, um, decline, to a new era with John Wall at the helm, the Wizards have consistently flirted with mediocrity and seem ill-equipped at present to change the status quo in the short-term.

The coup de gras in Washington, however, is their football team. Winning three Super Bowls in franchise history, the last coming 25 years ago, the Washington football team has been mired in the cellar of the NFC for most of the 21st century. Making the playoffs just six times in the last 25 years, while winning the NFC East three times and dealing with constant controversy, Washington has been on par with their division rivals, the Eagles, in terms of futility. Washington football, over their entire history, has actually been one of the more storied franchises in the NFL, but they have struggled recently and do not seem poised to alleviate the title drought in D.C.

It’s almost like Dan Synder’s team has been cursed…

In actuality, no city is currently suffering in their professional sports aspirations the way Cleveland had before last night. However, as we’re a narrative driven culture that thrives on classifying others, Washington, D.C. seems like a logical heir to the title of “Saddest Sports City.” Nevertheless, the Capitals are still dangerous, the Nationals could very well win a World Series this year, and the Wizards might have a chance to bring Kevin Durant back to his hometown (not saying it’s a good chance, though). The Washington football team is also coming off a playoff berth and Kirk Cousins put it best with his immortal quote:

Championships will come Washington sports fans. You need only have patience and faith.

“He’s a Bum!” Each MLB Team’s Biggest Disappointment So Far

This time last year, Stephen Strasburg was berated by Nationals fans. Ian Desmond was another reviled Washington sports figure. Come to think of it, the Nationals had a lot of disappointments, an indicator of the lackluster season the Nats would endure.

Individual disappointments can be overcome by the collective. Jorge Soler was disappointing last season, but the Cubs still reeled off 97 wins. Matt Adams face-planted in 2015, but the Cardinals nevertheless won 100 games. Gregory Polanco failed to breakout as promised, yet the Pirates found themselves in the playoffs yet again. One dark spot can never doom a team.

A bunch of disappointments are a bad sign, though. The Nationals are the prime example in recent history, but Boston, Seattle, and San Diego also had multiple underachievers that doomed their playoff aspirations last season.

As a Red Sox fan, this was what I thought of Hanley Ramirez and Pablo Sandoval last year

However, a down year from a perennial star or a prospect who’s debut falls flat happens to every team, every year. 2016 has been no different and it seems like a good time to talk about the biggest offender holding each team back from their potential. Some of these players might finish this season strong (think Robinson Cano’s second half last year), but we’re at a point where it’s fair to wonder whether this year will be a total failure for a number of players, including several perennial All-Stars.

As always, keep in mind the most prevalent truth in the sport: you just can’t predict baseball.

Arizona Diamondbacks – Patrick Corbin (4.76 ERA/1.35 WHIP/.271 BAA)

A.J. Pollock has ruined the Diamondbacks season. I’m not sure they’re playoff contenders even if he were healthy, but their postseason aspirations certainly depended on a relatively healthy Pollock. Still, you can’t blame a player that hasn’t played for being a disappointment.

Shelby Miller makes a compelling argument for being the Diamondbacks’ biggest failure. After all, he’s posted an ERA over 7.00 after being acquired for a package that would make Buck Showalter blush. However, the unfair pressure from the cost of acquiring Miller is the exact reason that I don’t identify him as more of a failure than Corbin. I’m probably wrong for that, but it’s my honest opinion.

Let’s be real, it’s the awful uniforms ruining the Diamondbacks’ season

Patrick Corbin looked great in his return from Tommy John surgery last season. He flashed the skills that once made him the prize of the Arizona rotation. And to some degree, he’s still shown those skills occasionally this season. It’s just the vast majority of his starts have been abysmal.

Only 5 of Corbin’s 11 starts have earned the distinction of being “quality.” That’s not an awful percentage, but it’s hardly desirable either. The notable culprit of Corbin’s bad outings have obviously been his stuff being far too hittable. He’s always given up his fair share of hits, with a career 9.0 H/9 to his credit. However, this year has also shown the all-too-common control issues that can plague recent survivors of Tommy John. Over the same amount of innings as last season, Corbin has already issued nine more walks and four extra home runs, while striking out thirteen fewer batters.

The differences between 2015 and 2016 aren’t massive for Corbin, but he was expected to improve in his first full season after surgery, not regress to career worst numbers in basically every statistical category. He’s still just 26 and warrants a little hope for a second half resurgence, but his 4.58 FIP suggests that he’s going to have to simply pitch better to avoid the tag of “disappointment” and stave off the criticism from Diamondbacks fans. The bulk of the ire in Arizona may be currently focused on Shelby Miller, but if Corbin doesn’t improve, he’ll be due for a heavy dose of criticism in the near future.

Atlanta Braves – Ender Inciarte (.227 BA/.298 OBP/.603 OPS)

The key piece returning to Atlanta in the Shelby Miller trade was Dansby Swanson. That alone is probably enough for a pitcher of Miller’s caliber. But that wasn’t everything the Braves received.

A proven major league center fielder, Inciarte is just 25 years old and hit .303 in 2015 with 21 stolen bases. Despite his profile as a potential leadoff hitter (though he’s not really got the plate discipline typical of leadoff men), Inciarte was never intended to be a long-term piece for the rebuilding Braves. Sure, he’s young enough that he would be in his prime the next time Atlanta is competitive, but the idea was always to move Inciarte after he builds up value.

To be fair, Inciarte did miss most of April with a hamstring injury. While that may have hampered him upon return, he’s far enough removed that his struggles are no longer warranted. If he can approach a .300 average over the next month or so, Ender could still prove to be a valuable trade chip for the Braves. If he doesn’t it won’t be a huge loss for a Braves squad going nowhere fast. Nevertheless, it’d be nice if the Braves could see the hitter they thought they were getting in the slam-dunk Miller trade.

Baltimore Orioles – Yovani Gallardo (7.00 ERA/1.67 WHIP/.319 BAA)

The Orioles gave up their first round pick in this year’s draft to sign Gallardo. His numbers speak to just how much of a failure Gallardo’s first few months in Baltimore have been.

Yet, ultimately the Orioles haven’t really suffered from their prized free agent’s struggles. For one, he’s only made four starts all year, spending the rest of the season on the disabled list. While that’s not a positive, it also means that his poor pitching hasn’t dragged down Showalter’s squad (though his replacements haven’t posted much better numbers).

The fastball velocity has lost three ticks since last season and that’s a very troubling development, but Gallardo will make his return this weekend and hopefully he can whittle his inflated ERA closer to his career 3.70 mark. Gallardo making good on his lofty free agency price would go a long way to helping the Orioles maintain their division lead in the AL East.

Boston Red Sox – Eduardo Rodriguez (6.97 ERA/1.60 WHIP/.289 BAA)

The Red Sox need reliable starting pitching if they’re going to be true World Series contenders in the American League. David Price has been ace-like after a rough April. Knuckleball hero Steven Wright has a great case to start the All-Star game for the American League. Even Rick Porcello has turned in a season almost worthy of his somewhat bloated contract.

Yet, the rest of the rotation has been, um, AWFUL. Clay Buchholz has posted a 5.86 ERA across ten starts and five bullpen appearances after being demoted (thankfully, he’s scheduled to return to the rotation next week…ugh). Roenis Elias has a 15.88 ERA and has spent most of the season in Triple-A Pawtucket. Joe Kelly was rocked to the tune of an 8.46 ERA over six starts. Top pitching prospect, Henry Owens carried a 6.97 mark over three starts before demotion. Even Sean O’Sullivan was allowed to pitch two turns, with a 7.94 ERA to show for it.

The horribleness of 40% of the Red Sox rotation is a big reason why Eduardo Rodriguez has been so disappointing. He’s only made three starts after a knee subluxation sidelined him out of spring training and forced a lengthy rehab assignment. For a guy who was supposed to take a huge step forward under the tutelage of fellow lefty, David Price, Rodriguez’s hopeless appearances have been tough for the pitching-starved Red Sox to stomach. Plus, there’s rumor abound that he’s still tipping pitches, which was supposedly the focus of Eduardo’s offseason work. The expectations may have been lofty, but just getting back to last year’s numbers would be instrumental in removing the “disappointment” tag.

Chicago Cubs – Addison Russell (.234 BA/.332 OBP/.696 OPS)

Jason Heyward makes an extremely compelling case for this title, especially paired with his huge contract. However, any reasonable fan knew that living up to the hype isn’t really Heyward’s strong suit. Therefore, the title goes to the young shortstop in North Chicago.

Addison Russell hasn’t been a bad shortstop, relative to the position. He’s a terrific defender and his OPS is ninth among qualified shortstops in the National League. That’s a good player. The catch: Addison Russell was supposed to take a huge step forward in his second season and challenge the likes of Corey Seager for the best at the position in the NL. He was projected to hit 20 home runs and bat around .260 in a vaunted Cubs lineup.

Instead, he’s been less-than-stellar with the bat and has fallen well out of the top young shortstop discussion. It’s too early to make this comparison, and I don’t wish it upon Russell, but his career is starting to track towards that of Andrelton Simmons. That’s a really good shortstop and one of the best defenders in baseball. But Simmons’s bat has always held him back from becoming a true superstar. Hopefully, that’s not the case for Addison Russell.

Chicago White Sox – Carlos Rodon (4.28 ERA/1.50 WHIP/.286 BAA)

The White Sox have been a fairly disappointing team on the whole. Todd Frazier has hit for power and that’s about it. Jose Abreu is well below his career production levels. Adam Eaton has been awful in comparison to his 2015. James Shields has been…yeah, San Diego’s probably happy to be rid of him. I could go on, but really it’s a miracle that Robin Ventura still has his job on the South Side.

Still, Carlos Rodon’s lack of improvement has been most troubling. A former top pick who was rushed to the majors, Rodon and his otherworldly slider seemed to hint at a breakout coming into this season. In his rookie year, control was the major issue, much like his White Sox predecessor, Chris Sale. The White Sox ace figured out his control issues in short order and developed into one of the elite pitchers in the American League. The idea was Rodon would make that same progress in his second season.

Instead, he’s been home run prone and walked a bunch of batters. His WHIP has actually increased since his rookie season. White Sox fans have every right to be underwhelmed by Rodon’s progress. I’d advise Chicago fans to recognize that outside of an abysmal first start, Rodon has actually been a fairly decent pitcher. He’s not yet an ace, but he shouldn’t be written off just because he’s disappointed for the first few months of his second season.

Cincinnati Reds – J.J. Hoover (9.77 ERA/1.91 WHIP/.324 BAA)

Nobody should have had high expectations in Cincinnati this season. It’s an obvious rebuilding year and the most excitement in Cincy will still likely revolve around the trade deadline. This pessimism was not withheld from the bullpen, where very few pieces were established relievers coming into this season. J.J. Hoover was one of the few veteran pieces set to anchor the Reds’ bullpen.

Hoover should never have been trusted with more than a set-up role in a major league pen. However, he was clearly the most dependable closer option coming into this season. Then the actual games started and he became the first closer to lose his job. Next came a demotion to Triple-A. He’s since returned to Cincinnati in a middle relief role, but his swift fall from grace is evident of the shambles that make up the Reds’ bullpen. It’s quite possible the Reds might be trotting out the worst pen in baseball history, and that’s not hyperbole.

J.J. Hoover having a bad season isn’t a blow to the Reds’ chances of anything. In fact, in a rebuilding year, a few lost games thanks to a bad bullpen might actually help acquire a better draft pick. Still, it’s ugly to watch and I’m sure Cincinnati fans haven’t been pleased with their relievers, Hoover included.

Cleveland Indians – Yan Gomes (.167 BA/.204 OBP/.543 OPS)

It’s been a pretty swift fall from 2014’s peak for the Brazilian catcher. From a .278 mark two years ago to .231 last year, Gomes’s batting average and overall production have plummeted with no signs of improvement. He’s battled injury, but this season has actually been a relatively healthy one for Cleveland’s backstop.

So what gives? Why has Gomes devolved from one of the five best hitting catchers in ’14 to arguably one of the worst? I’m sure Indians fans would love to know the answer.

Offensively, the Indians have been middle of the pack this season in their chase for the AL Central crown. Without their star left fielder, Michael Brantley, the fact that they’ve been an average offensive team is remarkable. Nevertheless, Cleveland faithful would probably enjoy a more powerful offense to support. Everyone on the team is living up to their individual expectations thus far; if Gomes can return to an average hitter at catcher the Indians could become one of the better offenses in the American League. Until then, Yan Gomes will have his place cemented as one of the most disappointing players in baseball.

Colorado Rockies – Jake McGee (4.98 ERA/1.57 WHIP/.311 BAA)

The Rockies traded away young outfielder, Corey Dickerson, in exchange for the hard-throwing closer. So far, neither team has won this trade; it’s been a net negative on both sides. I’ll get to Dickerson later, but for now, let’s focus on McGee.

After hitting the Disabled List last week, the Rockies have to be evaluating their high-cost bullpen acquisition. A 4.98 ERA is bad, even in Colorado. He’s already blown three saves this season. His career high in that statistic is four. It’s pretty obvious McGee is on pace for his worst season yet.

Colorado wasn’t expected to win the NL West this year. Jake McGee was simply a young, stabilizing option for a volatile bullpen. The cost, relative to the on-field results, is why McGee has been Colorado’s biggest disappointment. He’s still throwing hard, so perhaps he can turn his season around in the second half. Carlos Estevez has looked good in the closer role, though, so it wouldn’t be out of the realm of possibility for McGee to lose his ninth inning gig for the Rockies.

Detroit Tigers – Justin Upton (.230 BA/.281 OBP/.638 OPS)

Justin Upton is the classic big-contract player that fails to live up to his price tag. There’s several examples every year (think Pablo Sandoval last season), and so far Upton has fit the mold to a tee.

Luckily, Upton has seemingly began to turn his season around recently, and by extension the Tigers have shown marked improvement. Over the last two weeks, Upton is hitting .292 with 13 RBIs, 2 home runs, and a pair of stolen bases. In that same span, the Tigers are 9-5 and have jumped above .500 for the season. Still, a sub-.300 on-base from a big acquisition is hardly optimal. The man hit 26 round-trippers last year. He’s stuck on five right now. Tigers fans have a right to be disappointed.

I’ll preach patience in this case, however. Upton’s track record suggests that he may not have been worth the contract, but this season is still not incredibly far off from his career slash line. I still envision a .250 average with 20 homers for Upton this year. Don’t write off J-Up yet, Tigers fans. Also, don’t forget that this is the player your team signed. He’s not really known for consistency. He’ll get better, I promise.

Houston Astros – Dallas Keuchel (5.54 ERA/1.44 WHIP/.280 BAA)

Whoops, there goes another homer…

Remember how I said sometimes a team can have multiple players turn in disappointing seasons and doom that team’s postseason aspirations. It’s too early to throw the Astros into that category, but they’ve certainly had their share of lackluster first halves.

Collin McHugh is looking like a pitcher destined for mediocrity. Ken Giles has failed to take over the closer role in Houston, even with Luke Gregerson recently losing the job. Remember, the Astros gave up a lot to pry Giles away from Philadelphia. Carlos Gomez, despite a recent hot streak, is sitting on a .210 batting average with just three homers. It’s fair to wonder if this might simply be who the former All-Star is now. And Carlos Correa, the prized Astros shortstop, has really failed to live up to his huge rookie season, with just nine home runs, eight stolen bases, and a .256 batting average. He’s still a terrific young shortstop, but he’s yet to insert himself into the MVP conversation like some Houston fans hoped.

However, through all this disappointment, it’s last year’s American League Cy Young winner that has donned the “let-down” tag most often this season. After all, a 5.54 earned run average is hardly befitting for a recent Cy Young winner. He hasn’t really shown any signs of improvement recently either. His velocity is down a tick, but he’s not a flamethrower to begin with. He’s always relied on pinpoint command, and that seems to have abandoned him this season. Keuchel has already walked 29 batters after giving up just 51 free passes last year. By all accounts, he looks like the pitcher from before his 2014 breakout. If he can harness his command again (and return to dominating Minute Maid Park), it’s not unreasonable for a turnaround.

This has been painful to watch, though. Come on Dallas, you’re making Houston sad.

Kansas City Royals – Yordano Ventura (4.54 ERA/1.42 WHIP/.250 BAA)

He’s pretty good at starting fights, for whatever that’s worth.

In all honesty, it’s starting to feel like Ventura is never going to reach his ceiling. He throws hard and has the stuff to take off as a top starter in the American League, but he struggles with consistency. Another year and some tutelage from Johnny Cueto in the second half of a World Series run didn’t seem to help much. In a pitcher-friendly park with a terrific defense behind him, it’s puzzling that Ventura can’t consistently pitch well.

This year specifically, Ventura’s witnessed a sharp decline in his K-rate while issuing more walks than normal. His command has failed to improve with more experience and his terrific 2014 is starting to look like an outlier. There’s every reason to believe in Ventura’s raw talent, but the maturity concerns seem to be taking hold of his career and stunting necessary growth. Throw in expectations for him to lead the pitching staff of the defending World Series champions and it’s hard not to consider Ventura a major disappointment for Royals faithful.

Los Angeles Angels – Andrelton Simmons (.233 BA/.264 OBP/.564 OPS)

There really haven’t been that many disappointments for the Angels this season. Pretty much every regular has performed exactly to their expectations and the starting pitching hasn’t been far off from expectations (they were pretty low to begin with). The bullpen could be looked at as a letdown, specifically with closer Huston Street, but I really felt the pen was a team weakness from the onset. Garrett Richards’s UCL injury was unfortunate and I refuse to penalize a player for getting hurt.

In this case, Andrelton Simmons seems like the most obvious disappointment. A lot of his struggles, however, are tied to injury as well. He returned from a long-term DL stint recently and hasn’t really had time to find his footing in L.A. Maybe he can turn it around with the bat, but he’s never been much of a slugger to begin with. He should eventually straighten out at the plate and bring his numbers closer to his career numbers. I’m not all that worried.

Still, Andrelton Simmons was supposed to settle down the shortstop position for the Angels and have enough of a defensive impact to help Los Angeles stay competitive. A lot of factors have lent to the sharp decline in Anaheim and any expectation that Simmons could turn things around alone was foolish. He shouldn’t be considered disappointing, but he kind of falls into this spot by default.

Los Angeles Dodgers – Joc Pederson (.229 BA/.316 OBP/.784 OPS)

I refuse to give this spot to Yasiel Puig, even if he is the largest disappointment in the Dodgers organization over the last two years. He’s not making adjustments and Los Angeles should rightfully be sick of Puig by now.

Anyway, Joc Pederson has been another disappointment in the Los Angeles outfield. To be fair, he’s improved a fair amount from his rookie season, but he’s still not the player the Dodgers were hoping they had in their system. He’s up to 11 home runs on the year and still flashes the elite raw power. His batting average, slugging percentage, and OPS are all improved upon from last season. How can he be disappointing if he’s getting better?

Well, his on-base skills have eroded since year, falling almost 50 points in OBP since last year. Despite barely hitting over the Mendoza Line last year, he was still a serviceable leadoff hitter because he got on base regularly. This year, his batting average has seen a bump, but his walk rate is down and he’s no longer a potential long-term leadoff option for the Dodgers. Throw in the fact that he still hasn’t taken to stealing bases at the major league level and Joc Pederson is an L.A. letdown. He’s young, so he can still turn his career around, maybe even this season, but Dodgers fans have a right to be upset with the state of their outfield (despite Trayce Thompson turning into a surprisingly good hitter). The Dodgers have no shortage of players to blame for their (relative) struggles this season, and Joc Pederson is certainly towards the top of the list.

Miami Marlins – Giancarlo Stanton (.200 BA/.309 OBP/.729 OPS)

He’s on pace for 29 home runs this season. For almost any other player, that would be a good year; for Stanton, it’s a monumental letdown.

At this point, there has to be something physically wrong with the big slugger. There’s simply no explanation for one of baseball’s premier sluggers flirting with the Mendoza Line. This is starting to feel like Chris Davis’s 2014. Stanton struggled with an oblique injury, but avoided the DL in May. It’s safe to wonder whether the oblique might be lingering and affecting his swing. That would seem to be a sensible line of thought, if it weren’t for the fact that Stanton’s exit velocity is relatively unchanged. He’s still hitting balls, on average, harder than any other player in the league. He’s just making hard outs.

For Miami, I actually think they’re in a fairly fortunate situation. They’re in the thick of the NL Wild Card race despite Stanton’s struggles and Dee Gordon’s PED suspension. Gordon will be back later this season. If Stanton turns it around, this team has legitimate postseason aspirations. In fact, I’d bet that if Giancarlo was hitting around .250, the Marlins might already be sitting in a Wild Card spot. Miami shouldn’t be sweating the struggles of their superstar for now. If confirmation of injury crops up, though, Marlins fans would then be allowed to justifiably panic. There’s a lot of unknowns that are contributing to this disappointment; hopefully baseball fans will get some clarity soon.

Milwaukee Brewers – Domingo Santana (.234 BA/.347 OBP/.738 OPS)

Shades of Carlos Gomez in Wisconsin

The Brewers have had a fair amount of pleasant surprises this year. Jonathan Villar has been one of the best hitters in the National League. Chris Carter, Jonathan Lucroy, and even Aaron Hill to a degree, have had bounce back seasons. Ryan Braun is still elite and Scooter Gennett is still a nice stopgap option at second base. Jimmy Nelson, Zach Davies, and Junior Guerra have led a shockingly competent starting staff and the bullpen has sneakily been very good in Milwaukee.

For the Brewers, 2016 has been a surprisingly good rebuilding year. Unfortunately, one of the building blocks for the team’s future has yet to take off. Domingo Santana has a minor league track record that suggests he should have 30 home run power at the major league level. Yet, here he is stuck at four in mid-June. He’s still got good plate discipline and a series of injuries have limited Santana all year. In a good hitters park, especially for homers, the Brewers should still rightly hope for more out of their young right fielder.

He’s not in danger of demotion, he’ll be given plenty of time to rehab his current elbow injury, and he’s likely to find a rhythm in the second half. But Brewers fans should still be disappointed in what they’ve gotten out of the top prospect in last year’s Carlos Gomez trade. Then again, Houston hasn’t been overwhelmed with their side of the deal either.

Minnesota Twins – Brian Dozier (.227 BA/.325 OBP/.694 OPS)

You want to put Byron Buxton in this spot? Be my guest. He’s failed (again) to make adjustments in the big leagues this year. But I’m more saddened by Brian Dozier’s first half.

Ignore the batting average for Dozier. He’s never going to hit for a high average. Disregard the on-base percentage. He’s not a huge walker. Instead, focus on the power production. Dozier hit 28 home runs last year as the Twins made a surprising Wild Card push. This year, Dozier has just 7 bombs. Extrapolate that pace over a full season and Dozier is only going to hit 17 homers this year. That’s quite the decline.

Dozier has just 19 extra base hits this year, compared to the 71 he had last season. While 2015 was arguably just Dozier playing a little above his true talent, there’s still no explaining this sharp of a decline at 29 years old. The Twins have fallen back into the AL cellar after a 2015 full of optimism and Dozier’s struggles are a big reason why. Twins fans should be disappointed with the team as a whole, but Dozier more so than youngsters like Buxton and Miguel Sano.

New York Mets – Travis d’Arnaud (.196 BA/.288 OBP/.549 OPS)

Okay, this one is all about injury. I’m breaking my own rule and penalizing a guy for his injuries. d’Arnaud is a special case.

Yes, Travis hasn’t been good in the limited time he’s spent with the Mets this season, but that’s not why he’s disappointing. No, Mets fans should be disappointed in the sheer fact that they may never see a healthy d’Arnaud. In 2014, the young catcher appeared in a career high 108 games. He’s played in 111 in 2013, 2015, and 2016 combined.

d’Arnaud has all the talent necessary to become one of the best hitting backstops in all of baseball. However, if he can’t stay healthy, there’s little reason for Mets faithful to have much faith in their catching. This was supposed to be the bounce back year after an injury ravaged 2015. Instead, he’s fallen victim to more of the same. New York fans should be disappointed in their catcher, even if the causality is no fault of d’Arnaud.

(Also, I didn’t forget about Matt Harvey. I’m just prematurely buying into his recent performance)

New York Yankees – Luis Severino (7.46 ERA/1.69 WHIP/.327 BAA)

At the beginning of the year, if you told me that Luis Severino and CC Sabathia would have 2.20 and 7.46 ERAs respectively in mid-June and Sabathia had already been kicked out of the rotation, I would’ve believed it. Instead, those situations have been entirely flipped and Luis Severino no longer looks like a future Yankee ace.

Yankees fans probably had their expectations for the young right-hander set too high at the beginning of the season. After all, he didn’t pitch a bunch down the stretch last year and is still a young pitcher prone to control problems. People should have expected Severino to experience some turbulence in his first full season in the Bronx.

On the other hand, nobody should have predicted a straight demotion for the youngster. Still, to think that he’d post a 2.89 ERA (or anything close to it) over his first full season was foolish. He’ll get better and eventually make a return to the Yankee rotation at some point this year. Injury and heightened expectations make Severino’s season look more disappointing that it should actually be regarded. He’s just a young guy that needs to make adjustments. That’s all.

Oakland Athletics – Sean Manaea (6.02 ERA/1.44 WHIP/.282 BAA)

Oh look, another young pitcher who’s minor league stats made him out to be more than his actual talent level indicates.

Yeah, Manaea should probably have better strikeout numbers at the major league level. Once he figures out how to miss major league bats, I envision all of his numbers decreasing drastically. His success is dependent on swing-and-misses. Like most youngsters, he needs to harness his control to get more big league hitters to bite.

Don’t forget that Manaea probably wasn’t intended to be in Oakland’s rotation until around the All-Star break this year. Injuries to the Athletics staff forced his promotion and Oakland ideally would have liked to keep Manaea in Triple-A for at least another two months. Quick promotions always excite fans, but Oakland faithful shouldn’t have expected Manaea to be a rotation fixture right out of the gate. He’s got a lot of improvements to make and needs to be afforded patience.

Philadelphia Phillies – Maikel Franco (.243 BA/.289 OBP/.710 OPS)

Hitting nine home runs in Spring Training is a good way to boost your stock. By the end of March, people were starting to compare Franco to other young sluggers like Miguel Sano and even Kris Bryant. When you’re garnering those comparisons and you’re the guy on a rebuilding team, the media is going to put extra pressure on you to succeed.

Were it not for his torrid spring, I’d probably not be so disappointed with Franco’s numbers. He’s got eleven home runs and is hitting .243. Those are numbers, before Spring Training, that wouldn’t have seemed surprising for Franco to have in mid-June. However, watching a guy hit nine home runs in a month can raise expectations a bit.

Realistically, Phillies fans shouldn’t have expected Franco to be an offensive monster in 2016. That’s where the bar was set, though, and by all accounts, he’s been a letdown. He’s a fine young player and I expect his batting average to improve as the season wears on, but comparing him to Kris Bryant was ridiculous from the outset.

Pittsburgh Pirates – Francisco Liriano (5.03 ERA/1.62 WHIP/.263 BAA)

Francisco Liriano is prone to the occasional abysmal start. He’s never been a good control guy, even under the tutelage of pitching wizard Ray Searage, and his wild tendencies can lead to poor outings. Unfortunately, 2016 has been basically one horrible Liriano start extrapolated over an entire season.

The pitching in Pittsburgh was predicted to be a problem coming out of Spring Training. Behind ace righty, Gerrit Cole, the Bucs would be trotting out Jonathon Niese, Jeff Locke, and Juan Nicasio. Since February, Pirates fans have been clamoring for their top prospects, Jameson Taillon and Tyler Glasnow, to pitch at the major league level in place of one of their bottom-of-the-rotation starters. Sadly, midway through the season, I’d guess there are some in Pittsburgh that might rather see Liriano in the bullpen over the likes of Locke or Niese.

Liriano hasn’t posted an ERA above 3.38 since coming to Pittsburgh. He seemed dependable coming into 2016. That hasn’t been the case. Instead, he’s been one of the worst pitchers in the National League and has given up a ridiculous 46 walks in 76.1 innings. The control has been a constant problem, but it’s been amplified this season and has forced the “huge disappointment” tag upon the wild lefty.

San Diego Padres – Matt Kemp (.258 BA/.271 OBP/.747 OPS)

For Kemp, the letdown comes as a result of his cratering on-base skills. He’s a full 70 points below his career average in terms of OBP. He has 7 walks all season. He’s known as the most dangerous hitter in San Diego’s poor lineup, but he sure doesn’t look the part.

The problem is not with the production. San Diego could care less about how their offense performs this season. I suppose they’re trying to rebuild and have to be aware of their non-competitive state this season. But Kemp was supposed to build his trade value this year. He was supposed to bounce back from 2015, not continue his slide into irrelevancy. He was supposed to put up enough value that the Padres wouldn’t be forced to eat most of his contract in any potential deal. Instead, I doubt any team is looking at Matt Kemp as a trade deadline priority.

Matt Kemp needs to start taking a walk every now and then. He’s no longer a star, but that doesn’t mean he should look disengaged as often as he does. I’m not even disappointed so much with the production, I’m just disappointed with his demeanor on the field.

San Francisco Giants – Matt Duffy (.248 BA/.310 OBP/.660 OPS)

It’s just the sophomore slump, right?

Matt Duffy seemed like he was playing over his head pretty much all of 2015. Never a top prospect, the expectations were fairly low for Duffy. Yet, when Pablo Sandoval abandoned the Giants to sign with Boston, Matt Duffy was called upon to handle third base at the major league level and simply took off, hitting .295 in his incredible rookie season.

In reality, this is another case of the expectations being raised for a player based on an outlier. Sure, Duffy’s outlier was an entire season, but Giants fans shouldn’t have expected All-Star production perennially out of their third baseman. His approach is still solid this year. He’s sporting a paltry .277 BABIP currently that is bound to recover. As his luck improves, the perception of Duffy amongst dissatisfied Giants fans is sure to brighten. Until then, however, Duffy’s a bum and ruining the Giants’ chances at another even year championship. That’s just how the world works.

Seattle Mariners – Nori Aoki (.244 BA/.322 OBP/.637 OPS)

Yeah, I’m having trouble indicating a disappointment on the Mariners roster. Felix was too good when healthy to be considered for the spot. Taijuan Walker’s stellar April is enough to forgive a harsh May. Hisashi Iwakuma has still been a good pitcher and the expectations for Wade Miley had to be pretty low to begin with. Throw in the notion that the offense, top to bottom, is performing at their peak and it’s hard to find a letdown on this team.

However, for the sake of the article, I’m going to point out Aoki’s drop in production. Boasting a slash line that is across the board lower than his career averages, Aoki has been merely “okay” in left field for Seattle. His strikeout rate is on the rise and he’s been terrible on the base paths (4 for 11 on stolen base attempts) for the Mariners. If he were still leading off for the team, I’d have a much bigger problem with his complete decline in production. Hitting ninth, I’m merely a little aggravated that he’s a bit of a weak link in an otherwise strong lineup.

St. Louis Cardinals – Randal Grichuk (.206 BA/.276 OBP/.668 OPS)

The Cardinals lineup is really good. They’ve scored more runs than every team, save the juggernaut Red Sox. They balance platoons like no other and have several really good hitters that simply put the ball in play. However, Randal Grichuk has been hugely disappointing for Redbirds fans.

It’s not the batting average or on-base skills that drive dissatisfaction with the center fielder’s production. Rather it’s the absence of power, his primo calling card. After hitting 17 home runs in limited playing time last season, there was optimism that Grichuk might become the first Cardinal to reach 30 bombs since Carlos Beltran in 2012. Instead he’s stuck on eight home runs and was demoted to Triple-A in favor of recently converted outfielder, Kolten Wong. Even if Grichuk does return to the majors in short order, as long as Wong can hit, it’s likely Grichuk winds up on the wrong side of a center field platoon.

Simply put, Randal Grichuk has been a major letdown for a team that had high hopes. He’s still got time and all it would take to get his starting gig back is a hot streak. Until that happens though, don’t expect to see Grichuk making a difference in Busch Stadium any time soon.

Tampa Bay Rays – Corey Dickerson (.204/.254/.715)

I told you that the other side of the Jake McGee trade would make it onto this list. Well, here we are.

It’s easy to chalk Dickerson’s struggles up to the “Coors Field factor.” After all, Colorado is the best hitting environment in baseball, while the Trop in Tampa Bay is one of the more extreme pitcher-friendly parks. Even with the park factors, Dickerson should still have the talent to hit around .250. More importantly, his power is far more than just a product of Coors. After all, he’s already cranked 12 home runs with the Rays. Really, Dickerson hasn’t so much struggled as been a product of his manager’s usage.

He rarely faces lefties on his new team and is almost strictly used as a designated hitter. Right away his plate appearances are minimized. Throw in the fact that he’s been consistently bumped down the Rays order in favor of hotter hitters, and he’s no longer receiving as many plate appearances as he should. Also his BABIP is an unbelievably low .216. He’s not incredibly fast, but even Albert Pujols can sustain a BABIP higher than that. Dickerson has no doubt been a disappointment for his new team, but all the signs indicate improvement is eminent and health should be the only concern with Dickerson in Tampa Bay.

Texas Rangers – Prince Fielder (.199 BA/.269 OBP/.580 OPS)

How Prince Fielder has declined so rapidly is beyond comprehension. He went from a .305 hitter with an .841 OPS to batting below the Mendoza Line and posting an OPS unbefitting of most catchers. At this point, the competitive Rangers have to be close to benching Fielder for more productive players, like Jurickson Profar.

Last year was a mirage. There was a ton of luck that went into Fielder hitting above .300. More reasonably, the Rangers should have expected an average around .250 this season and been pleasantly surprised with anything extra. A .199 average, however, is unbelievably bad and he’s not making up for it in other areas of the game. His power has disappeared, with just 5 home runs to his credit. He’s not a threat on the base paths and rarely plays the field anymore. At some point, Jeff Banister and the Rangers need to give Fielder a break, if only to clear his head.

The Rangers are currently the best team in the American League. If Fielder can return to even a semblance of last year’s glory, Texas fans would be over the moon. Until then, he’s the saddest, most disappointing story in the major leagues.

Toronto Blue Jays – Marcus Stroman (4.76 ERA/1.33 WHIP/.267 BAA)

Troy Tulowitzki makes a strong case for this spot. I mean, a REALLY strong case.

However, I want to give the honor to Marcus Stroman, a guy who was given dark horse Cy Young odds at the beginning of the year. A guy who was garnering comparisons to Pedro Martinez, despite their diminutive size being the only common factor. A guy who Toronto fans expected would cruise through the American League and post an ERA around 3.00, or even lower.

Any Toronto fan who expected those ridiculous accomplishments for this year has been fooled by Stroman’s charm and magnetism. Yes, he was stellar upon returning from a torn ACL last season. However, that was an extremely small sample size that should have never been taken as an indicator of his true talent level. In reality, Stroman is a solid pitcher that should post a career ERA hovering around 3.50 when all is said and done.

Notice, that does mean that Stroman should be much better this year, and I expect him to be. His ERA is inflated beyond belief because he’s been prone to bad outings against really good offenses. The match-ups haven’t been overly kind to Stroman and his numbers have suffered as a result. He’s flashed brilliance this year, and I’d imagine that he’ll continue to whittle down his numbers as the season progresses. Still, he pitches in the AL East against a few really good offenses in a bunch of environments that favor hitters. Expecting greatness was overly optimistic and the driving force behind his “disappointing” results. They aren’t the expected numbers, even from reasonable fans, but they don’t spell disaster either.

Washington Nationals – Ben Revere (.207 BA/.259 OBP/.535 OPS)

I really want to put Bryce Harper in this spot. You have no idea how much I’d love to write about Harper’s “disappointing” numbers.

Alas, Ben Revere’s first half has simply been too disastrous to ignore.

Expected to be the everyday leadoff man in Washington, bat .300, steal 30 bases, and score a bunch of runs, Ben Revere has basically failed across the board. For one, he’s pretty much in a platoon situation with Michael Taylor in center field and only benefits from being the lefty. Also, the batting average is ridiculously far off from his career .290 mark. He’s only accumulated six stolen bases throughout the first two and a half months in Washington, while scoring just nineteen runs. With Jonathan Papelbon currently on the disabled list, I’d bet a fair amount of Nationals fans are wishing they had never traded Drew Storen for Revere.

However, I want to point out one thing when evaluating Revere’s lack of success: a .223 BABIP. For a guy that makes a considerable amount of contact and has elite speed, the fact that his BABIP is nearly 100 points lower than his career average hints that correction will come, and it will come in a firestorm of singles. Once he starts getting on base at a considerable clip again, the runs and stolen bases should come. Ben Revere is not an offensive superstar, but he’s exactly the kind of player the Nationals need. He surely won’t disappoint much longer.

Here’s some motivation for everyone that made this distinguished list

Who knows what should actually be taken from this look at baseball’s first half black sheep. All I know is there’s a bunch of players that need to figure it out before the scorn of their fanbases rip them to shreds.

 

“Best Team Ever?” I’ll Be the Judge of That! (Part Four)

Two teams enter. One team will leave victorious. It all comes down to this.

High drama aside, I know what the public wants. I’m all about appeasing to the majority. And all season, everyone has been dying to know whether the 2016 Warriors could defeat the 1996 Bulls in a seven game series.

Well, ask and you shall receive!

Oh, you didn’t ask? I’m sorry, but since you’re already here, might as well enjoy the ride, right? I promise it either will or won’t be worth it.

(P.S. for anyone looking for a completely unnecessary, yet hopefully fun expansion on this, here’s parts one, two, and three. Viewer discretion highly recommended.)

So how did we get here? Big picture it doesn’t matter, but I’m all about consistency, so here’s a look at the “Best Team Ever” Playoff Bracket:

Wow! Look at those great fake matchups! What an incredible assemblage of basketball glory! You should check out my recap of these phantasmagoric showdowns (Enough of the self-promotion, Geoffrey. Stay humble).

It’s incredible the amount of sheer greatness that has already tumbled before the likes of Michael Jordan and Draymond Green. Hall of Famers. Dynasties. Gregg Popovich. The carnage. The bloodshed. The Joffrey Baratheon-like butchering of my favorite team, the ’86 Celtics. The Warriors and Bulls have been bombarded with haymakers and military-grade weaponry (LeBron), and through it all they’ve survived to challenge one another for the right to once-and-for-all don the crown that comes from unequivocally being the best basketball team ever assembled.

Think about Captain America vs. Iron Man. Take Batman vs. Superman into consideration. Examine Ron Swanson vs. Leslie Knope in Season Seven of Parks and Recreation. All great showdowns of immovable objects against unstoppable forces. All pale in comparison to the Jordan-Curry battle about to take place.

BTW, I’m not a big fan of profanity. But this is just too damn perfect.

That seems like the appropriate blathering and hyping of this series. So without further adieu…

#1 2016 Golden State Warriors vs. #1 1996 Chicago Bulls

Twenty years separate these two squads. Twenty years to cause a generational gap. Twenty years to shift from a low-post and midrange NBA to a pace-and-space dominant league. Twenty years for Michael Jordan to transform from the most prominent athlete on the planet to an internet meme used to berate losers. What a difference twenty years can make.

Oh, how the mighty have had their legacy tarnished. MJ don’t deserve this.

And yet, basketball is still fundamentally the same sport. You put the orange ball into the round metal hoop more times than your opponent. That’s it.

Which team is equipped to repeat this action more times than the other?

Well, the 2016 Warriors make more three point field goals per game than any team in NBA history. But Michael Jordan leads the NBA in points per game over an entire career. Both teams are going to score the ball. This is about which team is best equipped to slow down the other.

If Pippen can do this to the Warriors, I like the Bulls’ chances

Remember the Warriors’ highly-documented struggles against teams with above-average length? The ’96 Bulls have a fair bit of length on their roster.

Ron Harper is 6’6″. Stephen Curry is 6’3″.

MJ is 6’6″. Klay Thompson is 6’7″.

Scottie Pippen is 6’8″. Harrison Barnes is 6’8″.

Dennis Rodman is 6’7″. Draymond Green is 6’7″.

Luc Longley is 7’2″. Andrew Bogut is 7’0″.

Toni Kukoc is 6’10”. Andre Iguodala is 6’6″.

I could go on, but based on heights alone, it’s clear the Bulls match up extremely well with the Warriors. They’ve absolutely got the necessary length to stay with the Dubs defensively. Phil Jackson’s Bulls are even flexible enough to have Pippen check Klay and let Jordan have an easier defensive assignment. Jordan would revel in the challenge of potentially guarding Steph, but his energy is best spent on the offensive end in this series.

Man, this would be hella dope, though. Did I just write the words “hella dope”?

I could break down the individual match-ups, but that seems a little played out at this point. I could break down the specific play-sequences important within each game, but I’ve done that to death through the course of this series. Instead, I want to focus entirely on the big moments of each game. The SportsCenter moments. The sports-bloggers talking points. The postgame interviews. The injuries, technicals, and flagrant fouls. Basically, everything that molds the narrative outside of the game itself. Let’s go!

After Golden State’s victory in Game 1, the narrative focuses squarely on the GOAT. More importantly, the lackluster performance from the game’s best player of all time. Held to just 14 points on 4-20 shooting while being called for his third foul three minutes into the second quarter, Michael Jordan holds no punches in the post-game. Criticizing the officials for favoring the Dubs and calling out Golden State for their “illegal” screens, Jordan’s comments are enough to warrant a $15K fine from the league office.

Meanwhile, SportsCenter and the media are raving over Harrison Barnes, who dominated the game in the “Death Lineup” from the Warriors. Scoring 20 points on 4-6 three point shooting and an array of cuts and two-dribble pull-ups, Barnes lead the Warriors’ team-first approach in a game where six Golden State players reached double-digits. Lauding the versatility and outstanding attack from beyond the arc, the analysts have trouble identifying the needed adjustments for the Bulls.

Luckily, Phil Jackson and His Airness seem to know the appropriate adjustment.

Turns out, it’s simply staying out of foul trouble by hiding Jordan on Barnes and Iguodala defensively. Setting up an alley-oop on par with the Kyrie to LeBron throw-down in the 2016 Finals, Jordan’s lob to Pippen is the highlight of his 33 point bounce-back.

Think this, but with a dunk instead. You just had to be there.

With the only point guard that can legitimately withstand a Shaun Livingston post-up checking the unanimous MVP, the media turns the pressure onto Stephen Curry, who had been held to 18 and 16 points over the first two games and now would be forced to travel to Chicago and steal a game. Adding on to the severity of the Warriors’ situation, Draymond Green is suspended for Game 3 after being assessed a flagrant during a postgame review of a questionable blow to Toni Kukoc’s beautiful Croatian head.

Leaving the United Center up 2-1, the Bulls put on a dominant performance causing sports-bloggers to prematurely declare the series decided. After a twenty-seven point blowout where the opposing team’s best player was again held to just 19 points, I’d probably have a knee-jerk reaction and buy into the Bulls as the Best Team Ever too. Yet, the apologists rightly point to the absence of Draymond Green as hugely impactful, most importantly to the defensive versatility of Golden State. I mean, how is a team supposed to win when they’re forced to roll out a power forward that can’t actually guard the opposing point guard?

Game 4, however, proves one thing: most people act like they forgot about Klay.

Despite averaging 24 points on 50% shooting over the first three games, everyone had seemingly ignored Thompson’s performances, instead highlighting the struggles of Curry, Green suspension, and Michael Jordan’s unparalleled scoring. Yet a 42 point game reminds the world that Klay Thompson is more than just Curry’s sidekick; he’s also an all-NBA talent on both ends of the floor. Plus, Draymond’s return gets a little side-note love, after posting a double-double in his return while only scoring five points. Yep, double digit assists and rebounds. He’s just an absolute game-changer who’s antics overshadow the fact that he’s probably Golden State’s most important player.

Game 5 finally brings the long-awaited MVP-MVP back-and-forth NBA fans had been waiting for. Scoring thirty-six points on eight threes, Curry turns in his first game above twenty of the entire series, while Jordan responds with his highest scoring game by putting up forty-four. Yet it’s Steve Kerr’s go-ahead three pointer with 3.1 seconds left that defines Game 5 and puts the Bulls on the brink of ultimate glory. In a weird twist, Steve Kerr blames his own game-winner on a defensive breakdown where Kerr had failed to account for himself on the other team when setting up the Warriors’ defense on the final possession. It’s a pretty weird postgame interview that gets confusing really quickly, with Kerr constantly referring to himself in the third person. Geoffrey hates when people refer to themselves in the third person.

Alas, the Warriors prevent Jordan’s Bulls from taking the crown in Game 6. Nailing 16 threes as a team, including Draymond Green’s game winner in overtime, the Warriors hang on to force a seventh game. Also, Rodman’s ejection following a hard foul on a Curry drive in the third quarter shapes the narrative in two ways: on the one hand, Bulls faithful are forced to wait and see if the league (hey, that’s me!) decides to suspend Rodman for the flagrant 2; on the other hand, Warriors fans are forced sweat out the two days before game seven after learning Curry suffered a grade 1 ankle sprain on the play.

Hello Darkness, my old friend

I’m all for having a complete Game 7, though. Rodman avoids suspension, Curry declares himself healthy the day before the game, and Jordan’s Bulls square off against the Splash Brothers & Co. for a winner-take-all championship game.

Is it lame if I end it here because I really don’t want to have to declare a winner? It is? Okay…

Jordan’s Bulls win behind forty points from the GOAT and twenty-three more from Pippen. Rodman hauls in fifteen boards, Kukoc scores eighteen off the bench, and Phil Jackson adds another ring (does the winner get a ring in this tournament? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯) to his already-overfull fingers.

Rings on rings, yo

Don’t get me wrong, the Warriors don’t lose this game. Curry scores thirty. Klay pours in twenty-six. Draymond posts ten points, nine assists, and eleven rebounds. Livingston, Iguodala, and Barbosa combine for twenty-seven off the Warriors’ bench. The Warriors play their best game and simply lose to the GOAT. No shame in that.

To make it official: the 1996 Chicago Bulls are the “Best Team Ever” playoff champions! Can’t wait to do this again next year when the Tim Duncan comes back and the Spurs rattle off 74 regular season wins!

*Curtain closes*

“Best Team Ever?” I’ll Be the Judge of That! (Part Three)

The semi-finals have arrived! Only the four greatest teams of all-time remain! This is what we’ve been waiting for!

(For anyone in need of a refresher with what’s going on, here’s part one and two of this series)

Let’s take another look at the bracket before delving into two of the greatest faux NBA playoff series in non-history.

As you can see only the truly great remain. Every other team that failed to make it this far is clearly trash. LeBron’s 2013 Heat: Trash. Magic’s Showtime Lakers: Trash. Bill Russell’s 1960 Celtics: dynastic trash. And you know what? By the end of this article, two more teams will become garbage as well. We only tolerate winners, okay?

Without further pomp and circumstance, let’s get the “Best Team Ever” playoff semifinals started!

(Also, I’ve decided Pitbull’s “Time of Our Lives” is now the official song of these playoffs, because this article just isn’t satirizing the NBA enough for my taste)

#1 2016 Golden State Warriors vs. #3 1986 Boston Celtics

The Warriors style is already one-of-a-kind.

Sure, small-ball is a concept that’s been around for a while and other teams have relied on the three pointer. But none have taken it to the extreme that Steve Kerr’s Warriors have.

Draymond Green routinely plays center for Christ’s sake. In Game 4 against the Cavaliers on Friday, the Warriors became the first team to win a Finals game while making more shots beyond the arc than inside. They’re truly a unique occurrence in NBA history and one that other teams shouldn’t attempt to duplicate.

The power of spacing

All that taken into consideration, the 1986 Celtics probably have the best frontcourt in NBA history and the combination of size and skill would be something the ’16 Warriors haven’t encountered this year. I’ve raved a fair amount already about the McHale-Parish-Walton Triple Towers in the first two rounds, but it’s only because they are absolutely deserving.

Between two incredibly talented, insanely different teams, it’s easy to point out some clear mismatches. For instance…

Stephen Curry is going to make Dennis Johnson look foolish on numerous occasions. The handle and quickness alone would be enough to give Curry the advantage. Add in his status as the greatest shooter in NBA history and Johnson’s merely average defense and this spells a mismatch the Celtics are going to have trouble compensating for in other areas.

Unfortunately, the Celtics aren’t going to make up any ground in the matchup against the “other” Splash Brother. Danny Ainge is an acceptable three point shooter (and better general manager) that would provide a semblance of spacing in a modern day offense. That said, Ainge’s preferred role in this matchup would be nothing more than a spot-up shooter. To put it in perspective, I would prefer J.R. Smith to Danny Ainge in this situation. No reasonable person watching this year’s Finals would say J.R. is a better two guard than Klay Thompson. If the more athletic, quicker J.R. is having some trouble bottling up Klay, it’s fair to assume the Thompson-Ainge showdown would be exponentially more lopsided.

Ainge is probably the less dorky of the two, though. So there’s that.

The Splash Brothers alone are one of the better guard tandems in NBA history. On a Boston team where the guards were meant to be complementary pieces to a talented frontcourt, the Celtics lose the backcourt battle in a landslide.

1986 Larry Bird was one of the NBA’s Mount Rushmore figures captured at the peak of his career. Then again, 2016 was arguably the best single season of Kevin Durant’s career. No offense to Harrison Barnes, but the Warriors would spend the majority of this series with Iguodala shadowing Larry Legend. Iguodala did not shut down Durant in the Western Conference Finals. Iggy should not be given a reputation as a shutdown defender against the NBA’s elite wings. The truly elite, like Durant and Bird, are never really shutdown.

Would Iguodala’s defense affect Bird? Of course. That doesn’t mean Bird would be held under 20 points a game or seem ineffective. LeBron still looks pretty dominant against Iggy in the Finals, but it’s the other aspects of his game that are on display. Much like LeBron, Bird would sacrifice scoring in this matchup, but his rebounding and playmaking skills are enough to overcome poorer shooting percentages and swing the small forward position in the Celtics’ favor.

Kevin McHale has three inches on Draymond Green, while checking in as twenty pounds lighter than his Golden State counterpart. McHale would be quick enough to stay with Green on the perimeter. The problem with this matchup is defending the pick-and-roll, where it’s tough to envision McHale having the twitch-reactions necessary to stop the Curry-Green short pick-and-roll. Even with Parish protecting the rim on help-side, Green’s passing skills threaten easy 2 on 1 buckets off the roll in this all-too-common part of the Warriors’ attack. All this taken into account, Green’s a physical pest on defense but McHale’s post moves paired with fairly good passing for a big man would ensure the Celtics offensive production out of the four spot. I’ll call this position a wash and move on.

Lastly, Robert Parish is superior to Andrew Bogut in every aspect of the game. I don’t feel a need to break down the center position much more. Parish and the Celtics have the advantage.

As far as bench units, I don’t see a whole lot separating these two teams. The Warriors roll out a bench unit fronted by one of the best sixth men in the game, Andre Iguodala. The Celtics roll out a bench unit fronted by the 1986 Sixth Man of the Year, Bill Walton. The Warriors have Shaun Livingston, Marreese Speights, Festus Ezeli, and Leandro Barbosa. The Celtics have Scott Wedman, Sam Vincent, and Jerry Sichting. You may not recognize those names on the Celtics bench, but in thirty years, it’s doubtful the Warriors bench will be populated with widely remembered players. Trust me, these bench units are on fairly equal footing.

So how does the actual series go?

Game 1 in Oakland, the Celtics are going to be perfectly aware of what they’re going up against in the Warriors and there certainly won’t be the overconfidence that came before Game 1 against the Sixers last round. Rather, the Celtics slow the pace and simply pound the ball into the post against Draymond and Bogut. Against a bigger, more skilled frontcourt than the Warriors have encountered all season, double teams won’t be enough to slow down Boston and Curry and Thompson’s shooting will be a moot point in a close, but-not-that-close Celtics victory.

Game 2, Kerr’s hesitancy to make the necessary adjustment puts the Warriors into a first half hole and threatens to derail Golden State’s “Best Team Ever” championship aspirations. Foolishly rolling out Bogut and Ezeli regularly, the Warriors fail to understand that size isn’t a Dubs strength. However, about midway through the third quarter, Kerr ditches the traditional center in favor of the “Death Lineup” that’s been so successful for the Warriors. Committed to a three-point heavy attack, and using Curry’s shooting as a boon, the Warriors storm back and even up the series.

Behind an all-time Larry Bird performance in Game 3 and 18 bench points from Scott Wedman in bursts of small-ball from the Celtics, Boston takes a 2-1 series lead and threatens to take a commanding lead in a venue where they simply don’t lose.

And then they lose Game 4, because the Warriors also just refuse to lose back-t0-back games. Also, Klay Thompson busts out after a couple poor shooting performances.

“Swagger-less” is the only appropriate adjective

Tied up and back in Oracle, the Warriors 3>2 formula takes over again and a Bill Walton injury forces the Celtics to commit to a few more minutes with Bird at the four than normal. Heading back to Boston, the Celtics will be forced to defend their playoff run in the Boston Garden.

In Game 6, the Warriors jump out to a quick lead, ending the first half up 63-51. Finally, Larry Bird fully embraces the power of the three point line and the third quarter turns into a shooting exhibition between Bird and Curry. With four minutes to go and trailing by five, the Celtics start pounding the ball inside to Parish and McHale.

Tied with under a minute to go, the Warriors return to the “Death Lineup” for the final stretch and attack Dennis Johnson and Robert Parish with a Curry-Draymond pick-and-roll. The Celtics collapse into the paint as Curry dishes to Green on the roll, but Ainge momentarily loses Klay, and that brief lapse is enough for Green to find Thompson for the go-ahead three. Playing from behind with just twenty-five seconds to go, Bird comes down the floor and dishes to McHale for an easy dunk, but forced to foul Curry, the Celtics watch as their run at “Best Team Ever” comes to an end behind clutch free throws from the Baby-Faced Assassin in his mall-walking Curry II’s.

“Straight fire”

The Warriors dispose of the ’86 Celtics in a hard-fought six game series and advance to the “Best Team Ever” championship.

#1 1996 Chicago Bulls vs. #3 2000 Los Angeles Lakers

Come for Kobe-Jordan.

Come for Phil Jackson v. Phil Jackson.

Stay for the show at point guard: Ron Harper versus Ron Harper.

Pippen and Jordan looking to their true leader for guidance

I’ll throw the point guard matchup out the window already. Younger Ron Harper’s athleticism basically cancels out older Ron Harper’s knowledge of his younger self. If anything, L.A. gets a slight bump here, but not enough to really matter.

I’d tackle the other guard spot, but I’m a big believer in saving the best (matchup) for last.

So let’s take a look at these teams’ respective small forwards. Scottie Pippen v. Glen Rice doesn’t sound exciting on the outset. Pippen is a Hall of Famer that helped his team to six NBA championships over eight years. Glen Rice is a serviceable small forward that quietly dominated for the Miami Heat and Charlotte Hornets throughout the 90s before winning his lone championship with the Lakers. In 1996, this would’ve been an incredible matchup pitting two All-Stars against one another. While these players at one point were on relatively equal footing, we’re looking at 2000 Glen Rice, who was in the twilight years of his career. Both are well-rounded, facilitating forwards, but peak-Pippen has a clear advantage over the Lakers’ Glen Rice.

At power forward, we’ve got a Dennis Rodman-A.C. Green showdown that rivals the Ron Harper matchup in terms of excitement (or lack thereof). By 2000, the forever underrated A.C. Green’s prime was in the rearview mirror (and no, it wasn’t closer than it appeared. It’d been awhile since Green was a quality NBA starter). Rodman’s defense and rebounding give a clear edge to the Bulls in this matchup. Even if the two match one another in the scoring column, the overall impact of Rodman would be far greater than that of A.C. Green. However, if you factor in the relative timeshare of Green and Big Shot Robert Horry, the production becomes much closer. Still, Rodman wins here. I mean, everyone trusts Rodman.

Even the leader of North Korea wants to smoke cigars with Rodman

At center, the Lakers finally have a clear-cut advantage. Prime Shaq = one of the fifteen most dominant players in NBA history. Luc Longley is the solid defensive center that checked players like Hakeem and Patrick Ewing for the Bulls. He wasn’t a star by any stretch of the imagination.

Shaq was arguably the best center in 1996 and the Bulls were forced to double O’Neal in their ’96 championship run. He got markedly better over the next four years. Longley only factors into this series as depth and fouls available for the Hack-a-Shaq strategy. Lakers have a clear advantage at center and it’s not close at all.

And now for the much-anticipated shooting guard matchup…

But first, let’s take a look at the sixth men for each team. Toni Kukoc vs. Rick Fox is must-see television and okay I guess I’ll move on to the shooting guards already.

Michael Jordan squaring off against Kobe Bryant. The Master vs. the Student. The only real question: can young Kobe actually go toe-to-toe with prime-MJ. The answer: scoring-wise, the two could easily equal one another in this series. Defensively, I’ll call it a wash as well. Jordan is the better defender, but the youth and athleticism of Bryant could most likely make up for his relative lack of experience. Jordan likely gets the advantage in this matchup as a result of his game’s polish. Playmaking and rebounding are huge facets to a winning team and in these aspects, a more experienced Jordan would have an edge over 21-year old Black Mamba.

Right away, it’s clear that outside of the center position, the Bulls seem to have an advantage. Considering the coaching is identical as well, a tactical advantage is going to be hard to come by for either team. No, if the Lakers hope to pull off an upset on the 72-win Bulls, they’ll need to dictate the pace and turn this into a half-court game. That and hope their best shooters knock down more shots than the Bulls’ marksmen.

Game 1 is all about Jordan vs. Shaq. Two of the best players in NBA history squaring off against one another, and two of the sports biggest media personalities providing great quotes subtly trashing their respective opponent. The national media shamelessly toss players like Scottie Pippen and Kobe Bryant into the background for this matchup, with only Rodman able to take the occasional spotlight away from the Jordan-Shaq focus.

Yet, the first game hinges on neither MJ or “Diesel” O’Neil. Rather it’s the Bulls supporting cast that gives Chicago first blood, with Rodman clearing twenty-one rebounds, Longley and a series of double and triple-teams holding Shaq to just nineteen points, and Steve Kerr and Toni Kukoc combining to score thirty-two points off the bench.

Kukoc. I’m pretty sure that’s Croatian for “smooth”

In Game 2, classic Michael Jordan makes an appearance, with a 35 point triple-double leading the Bulls to a 2-0 series lead. Despite the stat-stuffing performance, Jordan allows Kobe to shake free, likewise dropping 35. After the game, Bryant takes his Game 2 success as a precursor for things to come, ensuring a Game 3 win.

However, when it comes to delivering, Kobe falls short of his guarantee. Ever the competitor, Jordan takes Bryant’s guarantee as a challenge and proceeds to tame the Black Mamba. Scoring just 12 points on horribly inefficient shooting, Bryant has his worst game of the entire playoffs as the Lakers drop a third straight.

No brooms needed for this one, though.

Actual footage of Steve Kerr trying to posterize Shaq in this series

In a dominant Game 4 performance, Shaquille “Man of Steel” O’Neil pours in 41 points and grabs more rebounds than Rodman (19-16, in case you’re wondering). Kobe bounces back to add 23 and Glen Rice contributes 19 in a performance embodying the “team” aspect of the sport. Also, Jordan got in foul trouble in this one, but that’s probably not a big deal, right?

A four-game sweep against a team that lost just 10 regular season games is next to impossible, sadly. The Lakers give a good fight in Game 5, but Jordan bounces back from a poor Game 4 and Pippen contributes a 15 point-10 assist performance to cap off the series. In this edition of Batman (Jordan) vs. Superman (Shaq, obviously), Jordan’s Robin (Pippen) and his utility belt (I was going to say the whole team, but Rodman seems worthy of this moniker alone) prove to be just a little bit better than whoever Superman’s sidekick is (Is Kobe “Lois Lane” in this scenario?) and whatever backup Shaq/Superman has (the Daily Planet?). This paragraph fell apart quickly, just like the series itself, with the Lakers running up against a Bulls team sick of taking more than five games to advance in these playoffs.

How Phil Jackson rigged these playoffs to guarantee a championship appearance

Anyway, we’ve finally made it and no determined upstart could knock off the ’16 Warriors or ’96 Bulls. It’s almost like I manipulated the playoffs just to wind up with the most compelling championship game (conspiracy?). Either way, here’s one last look at the updated bracket:

Tune in for the “Best Team Ever” Finals, where we finally determine that Stephen Curry is a better player than Michael Jordan. Wait, that’s not right. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

“Best Team Ever?” I’ll Be the Judge of That! (Part Two)

First: if you’re unfamiliar with the purpose of this article or need to catch up, here’s part one of this series.

All caught up?

Good.

Just for good measure, let’s take a look at where the current bracket stands before we launch into the second round.

As you can see, we’re dealing only with the best of the best here. Strong teams like the 1987 Lakers and the 1971 Bucks have already dealt with crushing defeat. Only the strong survive and advance!

Without further adieu, let’s jump right into the second round!

#1 2016 Golden State Warriors vs. #5 2008 Boston Celtics

The two greatest shooters in basketball history. And Ray Allen. Threes will be made in this series.

Remember, though, this is a real-life simulation of the playoffs, meaning the Warriors have had a long layoff after sweeping the 1950 Lakers, while the Celtics are banged up and drained after a seven game series against Lew Alcindor and the ’71 Bucks.

With fresher legs, the Warriors roll over the first two games in Oracle in this series. Also, Kevin Garnett puts Draymond Green into the floor with at least three well-placed elbows over the course of Game 1 and 2. It’s just inevitable. Still, despite his big talk prior to Game 1, Rondo is unable to keep up with Curry on thousands of screens.

Curry can shake DPOY Kawhi. I’m pretty sure Rondo won’t be a problem.

But wait!

The Boston crowd is able to rally this Celtics team in Game 3. Behind a barrage of threes from Ray Allen and some late-game Rondo heroics, the Celtics bring the series to 2-1. Also, by Game 3, one of either Draymond or Garnett would be suspended. In this simulation, I’m going to give it to Green, just because he’s far more scrutinized than KG.

Now, after a tough loss in Game 3 and a suspended Draymond Green, the Warriors find themselves facing the possibility of a tied series heading back to Oakland.

Yet, Coach Kerr makes the necessary adjustment in Game 4 and moves to an extreme small-ball lineup with Andre Iguodala and Harrison Barnes both starting, thus forcing the Celtics to abandon Kendrick Perkins. Testing the depth of the ’08 Celtics, Shaun Livingston and Mo Speights come up huge in Game 4. Coming down to the wire, Curry kicks to Harrison Barnes in the corner, who nails the go-ahead three with 12.4 seconds remaining. Down two, the Celtics go for the win and run action for Ray Allen on the inbounds. With Iguodala contesting the shot, Allen misses and the Warriors head back to California with a 3-1 series lead.

By this time, the media is already crowning the Warriors the series winners and prepping for the semifinals prior to Game 5. After all, the Warriors absolutely dominated Game 2 and Curry and Thompson are combining to average 49 points a game.

Remember 2008 Rondo, though? The guy who came through in the playoffs when the contributions of Pierce, Garnett, and Allen just weren’t enough? He does it again in Game 5.

Putting up a triple-double and dishing out 18 assists while holding Curry to just 3-13 shooting from behind the arc, Game 5 goes down in history as the Rondo Game and the series shifts back to Boston.

I miss this Rondo

And now, I’ll admit something: I don’t really think the Celtics have enough advantages in this matchup to force a Game 6. I’m only allowing it because I have an incredible amount of faith that Pierce and Garnett could simply will the Celtics to a couple wins.

In reality, the Warriors have too many advantages. Curry is the superior point guard. Klay Thompson is such a great defender, that even if his offense suffers, he’d be able to make Ray Allen look merely okay. I’ve seen Andre Iguodala check LeBron and Kevin Durant with outstanding results. I’m certain he could also hold Pierce to reasonable scoring lines with inefficient shooting percentages. And Kevin Garnett dominates his matchup against Draymond Green, but it wouldn’t matter. The Warriors have the deeper bench and run a defensive system that thrives on turnovers. Rondo would serve up turnovers aplenty against the Warriors defense and steals leader Stephen Curry, even if he does put up ridiculous counting stats.

The trash talk between prime-KG and Draymond Green would make this series one of the most compelling in the second round. Still, the Warriors take this one in six games. Six incredibly tough, physical games.

I’d love to see Draymond try this on Garnett. Worth the price of admission, IMO.

#2 1967 Philadelphia 76ers vs. #3 1986 Boston Celtics

Wilt vs. the World. I AM HERE FOR THIS.

The Celtics still have the frontcourt advantage in this matchup. And you better bet they know it.

Kevin McHale, Bill Walton, and Robert Parish know that at all times one of them is going to have an insanely advantageous matchup on the offensive end. They also probably know that Larry Bird is clearly the better small forward than Billy Cunningham or Chet Walker. That’s not slight, that’s just 1986 Larry Bird being one of the most complete, dominant players in NBA history.

Still, Wilt Chamberlain and Hal Greer know they have home court advantage and the ability to simply take over a series. They won’t be thinking of themselves as underdogs, that’s for sure.

Also, if you like offense, this is the series for you. Both teams are going to push the cover off the ball in an effort to simply outshoot the other team.

This series pits two very similarly-styled teams against one another and overall scheme isn’t going to make a huge difference in this one. It’s going to come down to which team simply has the better players.

Regardless, I think the Celtics come into Game 1 overconfident as a result of their obvious size advantage and find themselves struggling to stop Hal Greer. Danny Ainge simply can’t stop Hal and the Sixers roll to a Game 1 victory.

Hal gonna hit ’em with that smooth midrange

And then it’s all over from there.

A refocused Celtics team come out in Game 2 and remind everyone that they’re simply more talented on both ends of the floor. Fearlessly double-teaming Wilt and seceding Greer’s points in an effort to shut down the role players, the Celtics cruise to an easy Game 2 victory behind a dominant performance on both ends from Kevin McHale.

Afterwards, Wilt fearlessly calls out his teammates, imploring for better effort from every man on the roster. Meanwhile, Coach K.C. Jones of the Celtics reminds that the series is just getting started, despite his players declaring via not-so-subtle interviews that the series is all-but-over.

After sweeping Game 3 and 4 in Boston, it begins to appear that the Celtics players were right to be confident. The Boston Garden is a remarkably tough environment to come into and steal a game, and Wilt’s Sixers are no exception. Despite putting up 42 and 37 in Games 3 and 4 respectively, Chamberlain is unable to carry his team to a win. The Celtics simply dominate too many other match-ups and everything seems to be placed on Wilt and Greer’s shoulders.

Showing obvious signs of fatigue, Robert Parish and Bill Walton hold Wilt to just 26 points in Game 5 and the Celtics advance to the next round. Larry Bird finishes the series with averages of 27 points, 8 rebounds, and 7 assists and looks the part of all-time great. And yet, Kevin McHale is undoubtably the MVP of this series. Matched up against 6-9 Luke Jackson and small-ball lineups featuring Chet Walker at the four, McHale averages nearly 30 points a game in this series and the advantages at the forward spot prove to be too much for the Sixers to overcome.

The 1986 Celtics were a glorious assemblage of skilled big men. Wonderful.

This one takes just five games and Bird’s ’86 Celtics roll into the semifinals and prepare for an epic showdown against the 2016 Warriors.

#1 1996 Chicago Bulls vs. #4 2013 Miami Heat

Yep, it’s the all-time showdown to settle once-and-for-all one of the most overwhelming debates in sports history: Is Luc Longley a better player than Chris Bosh?

What? You hadn’t asked yourself that question once in your life? It must be nice to live without being pained by these mind-boggling questions.

Joking aside, this is a terrific matchup.

Michael Jordan and Scottie Pippen going head-to-head with LeBron James and Dwyane Wade would be must-see television.

Also, this is sure to go the distance. I’m talking seven games of Michael Jordan publicly dissing LeBron. Seven games of Dennis Rodman CRUSHING the Heat on the boards. At least one game that comes down to a huge shot from Mario Chalmers. At least one game with the Toni Kukoc-Shane Battier matchup ultimately deciding a winner. At least a dozen Rodman-Birdman think-pieces comparing the two heavily-tatted role players. And at least a quarter of an entire game devoted solely to a Steve Kerr-Ray Allen shootout.

(Side note: the Bulls are getting absolutely screwed by this bracket, while the Warriors have pretty much coasted into the semis. Let’s breakdown how that lessens the Dubs’ accomplishments!)

Anyway, Game 1 in the United Center is going to be the most hyped sporting showdown since the Rocky-Creed rematch. Yep, a fictional boxing match is the only real comp for a Jordan-LeBron showdown. That’s how unbelievable this series would be.

Me, thinking about this series

Yet, Game 1 comes down to the Heat’s inability to guard Pippen. Tasking LeBron with Jordan on defense, the Bulls would be able to attack Wade with the larger, younger Scottie Pippen. Scoring 28, Chicago rides a hot-shooting Pippen to the Game 1 victory, despite the bench being outscored 30-18. Also, Phil Jackson probably makes the correct decision by starting Kukoc in the second half and benching Longley to match the quickness and shooting of the Heat.

After being killed again by Pippen in Game 2, despite picking up a huge road win, the Heat finally break and put Wade onto Jordan for Game 3.

Putting up just 20 and 19 points respectively over Game 1 & 2, the Heat’s defensive shift translates to immediate success in Miami, with Jordan scoring 43 and utterly dominating en route to a 2-1 series lead.

Matching blow-for-blow from the starters in Game 4, the Heat’s bench proves the difference in evening the series, with Ray Allen, Shane Battier, Mike Miller, and James Jones combining for 18 three pointers.

Miller probably even knocks down three or four jumpers with one shoe

Tied at 2-2 heading back to Chicago, Dwyane Wade and LeBron finally show up together in Game 5, stealing a huge road win while dominating the transition game like few duos ever have. Oh yeah, and Chris Bosh has another pretty good game, but who really cares?

On the brink of elimination and in Miami, the Bulls respond in a uniquely Jordan way. Holding Wade to just 14 points while scoring 32 himself, Air Jordan reasserts his alpha dog status in Game 6 and forces a Game 7 showdown in Chicago.

As TV broadcasters bask in the ratings bonanza that Game 7 promises, Jordan and LeBron prepare for the defining moment of their career, true to their personalities. LeBron quietly declares it “a big game, no doubt” and says “we’ve just gotta go out and there and play together, be physical, and play team defense.” Meanwhile, Jordan is brushing off the game with quotes like “they’re a great team, but I trust my guys and know we’re better” or “LeBron’s great, but we’re back in my place now.”

And then the game comes down to LeBron, guarded by Pippen and trailing by one with fifteen seconds left, driving and kicking to Chris Bosh for the go-ahead three. Alas, Dennis Rodman comes out of nowhere and steals the pass. Despite a 30-12-8 performance in Game 7, LeBron is once again criticized for one failed play at the end of the game, the media defining his career as one befitting a “choker” that “doesn’t have what it takes to make the big shot.”

Guess what? Jordan probably doesn’t speak out in support of LeBron, either.

#3 2000 Los Angeles Lakers vs. #7 1989 Detroit Pistons

Bill Laimbeer is going to put on an absolute show in this series.

Not with his play, of course. With his elbows and fists as he futilely tries to slow down Shaquille. I’ll just go ahead and suspend Laimbeer for Game 6 in advance.

Ironically, Game 6 is going to be the final game in this series.

You’re right, I’m rushing this one. I’ll calm down and actually analyze now.

Okay, let’s break down the individual player match-ups in this one.

First, Isiah Thomas against Ron Harper. This is no contest. Zeke is one of the all-time greats at the point. Ron Harper is just Phil Jackson’s point guard on multiple championship teams (including the 1996 Bulls). Isiah Thomas may give up size head-to-head, but he’s a far more complete basketball player that’s actually a focal point on offense. Advantage Pistons.

Next, Joe Dumars squaring up against Kobe Bryant. Kobe wins this one by virtue of pure athleticism and a superior post-up game. He’s also got the defensive chops in 2000 to entirely shut down Dumars. Lakers take this one.

Adrian Dantley and Mark Aguirre versus Glen Rice and Rick Fox. I’ll call this one a wash. These small forward matchups are just too close to result in any real edge.

Now, A.C. Green squaring up against Rodman. Defense wins championships, right? Also, the crazy factor makes Rodman a wild card in this series. Throw in the Pistons’ depth with Rick Mahorn and John Salley, and the Pistons have the advantage at the four spot.

Lastly, Shaq is clearly superior to Laimbeer in every aspect of the game. Well, except for getting into altercations, but that’s not really a basketball skill. The Big Aristotle gives the Lakers the edge.

Bill Laimbeer won’t go down without a literal fight, though.

So the Pistons have an advantage at point guard and power forward, but the Lakers have shooting guard and center locked down. Still a tie.

So if the teams are so evenly matched, why do I think the series only goes six games?

Faith in Kobe and Shaq and big shots from Derek Fisher and Robert Horry, mostly. The Lakers are going to take the first two games, before dropping two in the Palace at Auburn Hills, and then sweeping the last two, the final game largely hinging on the inevitable suspension of Laimbeer.

Lakers in six. Big Shot Rob with a game winner somewhere in the series. And Kobe throwing down at least one memorable dunk.

Kobe isn’t about to let some Cinderella seven seed pull off the upset

(Bonus: this win sets up a semifinals match with Phil Jackson coaching both teams. What a fictional world!)

So let’s take a look at the bracket as we head into the Best Team Ever semifinals!

Wow. Bird squaring off against Curry. A Jordan-Kobe playoff showdown. This is a basketball fan’s dream! Literally!

I’m getting close to not-so-scientifically determining the best basketball team of all-time. Be sure to come back for the final part of this fictional playoff epic!

“Best Team Ever?” I’ll Be the Judge of That! (Part One)

Magic Johnson sure isn’t buying into the Warriors being the best time of all time. In fact, he’s convinced that the ’80s “Showtime” Lakers would beat Curry’s “Strength in Numbers” Dubs. While an answer to this hypothetical situation is entirely subjective and depends on public opinion, it’s an interesting comparison nonetheless.

We’ve talked all season about how the Warriors, despite their historic accomplishments, probably aren’t as good as the ’96 Bulls. What if we open that conversation up to even more of basketball’s great championship teams? I mean if all this is just speculative ahistorical nonsense anyway, why can’t I make the argument that the ’86 Celtics would’ve swept this year’s Warriors? We’ll never know how that situation plays out, so I can say that, if we eliminate the context of win-loss records and relative league strength, the 2004 Pistons could beat any other basketball squad in a 7-game series. If I believe it to be true, you can’t definitively prove me wrong.

But I wanted to take this experiment one step further.

If we’re dealing with hypothetical, what-if scenarios, why not expand it? I propose a sixteen-team, greatest of all time playoff to declare once-and-for-all the premier basketball team ever assembled (’92 Dream Team excluded).

Now, for the purposes of this exercise, we’ll be dealing only with championship teams because we need squads that never actually lost a playoff series. That means that even though this year’s Spurs have the best record in franchise history, they’re ineligible. That rules out a bunch of ’90s teams that suffered as a result of Jordan’s dominance. No ’96 Magic. No ’98 Jazz. No ’93 Suns (Man, that rule gets rid of a bunch of really great squads). There are a bunch of really great teams to come up short of a championship, but this exercise can tolerate no losers, even if they’re debatably better than some of the winners.

I think this exercise also needs to rule out multiple entrances for teams that won back-to-back titles (or were built around the same core). That means that the Heat can only submit one of the Big 3 era teams to this dance. That means the ’60s Celtics only get one representative. I’m also throwing out last year’s Warriors with the presumption that this year’s squad will complete the back-to-back, probably in Cleveland this week.

Seeding of these teams will go by overall regular season record, regardless of conference. That means this year’s Warriors will be the #1 seed on one side of the bracket and the ’96 Bulls will be the other #1. Also, home court runs through Oracle in this ridiculous playoff scenario.

We will operate with the three-point line in place, but will not be excluding champions from the previous era. That means the Big O can start chucking three pointers on the ’71 Bucks, if he so chooses. All bets are off.

Also, as much as I love the ABA, I’ll have to limit the playing field only to NBA champions. It’s just too difficult to gauge the league differences, especially overall competitiveness. Sorry, Nets and Pacers fans.

Lastly, I’m the NBA Commissioner for these playoffs, a role I humbly accept, and will be the judge should any suspensions need be handed out (Only really a concern if this year’s Warriors meet the Bad Boy Pistons, honestly).

Now that the guidelines are set, let’s take a look at the Best Team Ever playoff bracket!

 

 

 

After much deliberation and a lot of thought about expanding the bracket to 32 teams (ultimately, that would take too long), you can see I’ve arrived at what I figure is the best possible bracket for such an endeavor. Now, because I chose to select the participants primarily based on regular season win-loss percentage, the 1950 Lakers were able to snag the last spot in a highly contested race on the bubble. My apologies to the ’99 Spurs, ’11 Mavs, ’94 Rockets, and several other very good teams.

Without further ado, let’s kick off the first round.

#1 2016 Golden State Warriors vs. #8 1950 Minneapolis Lakers

 

If you aren’t at least kind of intrigued by this series, there’s something wrong with you. Okay, so it wouldn’t actually be an entertaining series, but it’s an intriguing matchup nonetheless.

Think about it: the likely most recent NBA champion against the very first champion of the Association. That would be, what’s the word…

However, on the basketball side, this is a pretty boring matchup.

The Warriors’ biggest weakness all season has been length. The Thunder proved that in the Western Conference Finals. I’m fairly certain a starting backcourt that’s 5-10 and 6-2 probably isn’t long enough to give the Splash Brothers much trouble. George Mikan has modern day NBA length and Vern Mikkelsen is about the same size as Draymond Green, so I’m guessing the Minneapolis frontcourt could hold its own.

Sadly, 3>2 is all you need to know about this series. In 1950, the Lakers thrived on Mikan being bigger and more skilled than the rest of the competition. Jim Pollard and Vern Mikkelsen were terrific complementary pieces, but the guards were really unexciting on the non-L.A. Lakers. Stephen Curry and Klay Thompson would most likely work over any combination of Slater Martin, Paul Walther, Don Carlson, or Annie Ferrin.

On the coattails of purely superior shooting, the Warriors coast to a 4-0 sweep against the NBA’s first champs. Still, George Mikan probably averages like 28 and 16 in this matchup. The dude was a straight up baller. If he had a little bit better supporting cast, I’d probably even give them a game in this series.

#4 1971 Milwaukee Bucks vs. #5 2008 Boston Celtics

 

The 2008 Celtics, I’m convinced, were the perfect storm. Getting Kevin Garnett and Ray Allen in the same offseason was some sort of divine intervention. It’s the only NBA championship I’ve witnessed my favorite team win in my lifetime and I definitely have a personal connection to this team. In NBA Live 2009, I only ever played with this Celtics squad.

That said, I think this is one of my favorite first round match-ups in this hypothetical playoff setting.

Lewis Alcindor vs. Kevin Garnett

Oscar Robertson vs. Rajon Rondo

Bob Dandridge vs. Paul Pierce

Lucius Allen vs. Ray Allen

Okay, the last two aren’t all that enticing. But imagine the Big O facing off against his modern day doppelgänger. Dueling triple-doubles in this one, for sure. Imagine Kevin Garnett and Kendrick Perkins bodying up the NBA’s all-time leading scorer in his prime. Picture Kevin Garnett throwing elbows and Alcindor sky-hooking Perkins into oblivion. Envision a Milwaukee crowd legitimately excited about having an elite basketball team to support.

In a seven-game series, I think this is an absolute toss-up. Lew Alcindor is an absolute beast, but the Celtics have the advantage on the wings. After being wheeled out on a gurney, I’m gonna go with Paul Pierce pouring in thirty-five in a Game 7 showdown, while Alcindor scores 40 and the Big O unleashes yet another triple-double. In this one, I’m taking the ’08 Celtics, and it’s pretty much just because I love this team. Nobody can stop me, I am the Playoff God!

#3 1986 Boston Celtics vs. #6 2009 Los Angeles Lakers

Peak Larry Legend vs. Peak Black Mamba

The Bird-Magic rivalry was legendary, but I would love to see the most competitive Laker ever go up against the most competitive Celtic ever. Imagine the trash talk. I can just see Kobe totally ignoring any questions regarding Danny Ainge because even mentioning someone like Ainge would be “pointless.” I can see Kevin McHale and Pau Gasol quietly having the most epic battle of skilled big men in basketball history. I can see the debate raging coast-t0-coast over who’s the better sixth man, healthy Bill Walton or peak Lamar Odom? I can see Andrew Bynum having a monster game and the media starting to question whether Robert Parish has lost a step. And then there’s the unexciting point guard match-up of the century between Dennis Johnson and Derek Fisher.

Literally everything about this series screams all-time classic.

We don’t care about that, though. We’re trying to decide on the greatest team in NBA history. And in that case, I’ve got to go with the Celtics again. I mean, they’d have home court advantage and this was a team that went 40-1 in the Boston Garden in 1986. They simply aren’t going to drop one at home. More importantly, the Celtics frontcourt depth makes one of the best recent assemblages of big men look average by comparison.

Bird and Co. win this one in six.

#2 1967 Philadelphia 76ers vs. #7 1960 Boston Celtics

We know the ’67 Sixers could beat the ’67 Celtics. But what about the 1960 version of Red Auerbach’s team?

Fronted by a younger Bill Russell and an absolutely outstanding supporting cast, the 1960 Celtics were the team that truly epitomized the peak of Boston basketball.

In comparison, Wilt Chamberlain and Hal Greer were one of the best NBA duos ever. They’ll never be mentioned with the Jordan/Pippen or Durant/Westbrook combos, but Wilt and Greer were absolutely dominant. 1967 was also an incredibly unique season for Wilt, as he actually averaged more rebounds than points. Also, he scored 24.1 points a game that year. Yep, he was basically impossible to out-rebound.

And yet, 1960 Bill Russell is probably the only guy that I would want to battle on the glass less than Wilt. Honestly, in this showdown, Wilt and Russell cancel each other out. This one is going to come down to the supporting casts, and both are absolutely stellar.

The Celtics bring in Tommy Heinsohn at his peak, Bob Cousy as the best point guard in the game, and Bill Sharman as an incredible shooter. Meanwhile, the Sixers have Greer, Chet Walker, and Billy Cunningham providing the most potent scoring backcourt of the 1960s.

Yeah, I’m incredibly glad that my bracketology methods produced a first round match up of the two greatest teams of the 1960s (granted there were only two teams to win a championship in the entire decade).

While I’d love to set up a battle between Bill Russell and Larry Bird in the second round, I’m pretty sure the Sixers win this one. People just don’t understand how great Wilt Chamberlain was, even at the age of thirty. Throw in the fact that Hal Greer is the forgotten basketball star in modern NBA history and the Sixers barely have the edge. This is clearly a seven-gamer and I think I need to take a break because just thinking about this matchup has me all hot-and-bothered.

You’re right, Wilt. This series would be 100.

Sixers in seven, moving on (I’m gonna go change my pants now).

#1 1996 Chicago Bulls vs. #8 2014 San Antonio Spurs

Let me check my bracket formula again, because there is absolutely no way the 2014 Spurs should be an eighth seed. They’re one of the smoothest, well-rounded teams I’ve ever seen in my lifetime. The vengeance tour against the Heat was utter domination that left me believing Kawhi Leonard was a future MVP. In fact, I stand by that notion still, primarily on the Finals performance of this particular Spurs squad.

And yet, my formula somehow says that this is still the correct 1-8 matchup. Incredible.

The ’96 Bulls are still better than Popovich’s best product (Yes, the 2016 Spurs were awesome, but 2014 was still better). I’ll also wager that Phil Jackson (despite his flawed refusal to embrace change) is a slightly better coach than Pop. Eleven rings make one hell of an argument.

Now stop and think about this: Kawhi Leonard guarding Michael Jordan (!!!). Kawhi is one of the best perimeter defenders in NBA history and shut down LeBron in the ’14 Finals. But Michael Jordan is Michael Jordan. Hello, immovable object. Meet unstoppable force.

The ’16 Warriors wound up with a favorable matchup in the first round in this bracket. The ’96 Bulls got the toughest eighth seed imaginable.

Even if Kawhi can hold Jordan to something like 24 points a game (it’s stunning that 24 points is low for MJ), Scottie Pippen, Tony Kukoc, and the rest of Jordan’s supporting cast can still carry the Bulls to a series win. Tim Duncan, Tony Parker, and Manu Ginobili were still awesome two years ago, but they’d need 2014 savvy mixed with 2007 athleticism to stand a chance in this matchup.

Plus, this exercise is no fun if we knock out the team that started this debate right off the bat. Let’s say Bulls in six only because I have a ton of respect for Pop and the Big Fundamental. In a better matchup, I could see this Spurs team getting at least into the second round.

Celebrating Pop here, because there will be more opportunities to praise the Bulls

#4 2013 Miami Heat vs. #5 1987 Los Angeles Lakers

Pat Riley wins and that’s all that really matters.

Another winner here: the concept of the Big 3. Whether it’s Magic Johnson, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, and James Worthy, or LeBron, Dwyane Wade, and Chris Bosh, the three superstar formula has pretty much always worked.

“But who really wins here?”

LeBron James or the only reasonable comparison that doesn’t disrespect the King?

The 2013 Miami Heat saw LeBron James at the peak of his powers. They won 27 straight regular season games and dominated their way to the top of the Eastern Conference.

The 1987 Lakers rolled out the prime version of Magic Johnson with a budding star in Worthy and a 39-year old Kareem that could still take over a game.

“SO WHO WINS?”

Basketball fans. Basketball fans win. We as fans are the tr-*gasp* YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE VIOLENT!

The Heat had their season saved by a miracle Ray Allen three. I believe that some divine power truly wanted the Heat to repeat as champions.

One of the craziest, most WTF playoff sequences ever

More importantly, the pace-and-space system with Bosh stretching Kareem all the way out to the three point line makes me believe that the Heat take this one. Simply taking Kareem out of the series is a huge boost for Miami.

Honestly, I don’t believe this series is all that close. LeBron and the Heatles beat the Showtime Lakers in five. But don’t worry Magic, I’m sure you could’ve beaten the ’16 Warriors if given the chance *wink-wink*

#3 2000 Los Angeles Lakers vs. #6 1983 Philadelphia 76ers

Shaq and Kobe. Moses and Dr. J.

Two of the best centers in NBA history and two of the best wing scorers in basketball history.

Shaq would spend the entirety of this series throwing elbows on the court and barbs off trying to get a rise out of Moses. And Kobe, just three years into his career, would probably be taking shots at “old man” Erving.

And Billy Cunningham’s Sixers team would let all the distractions go and just play basketball. Julius Erving was on a mission in 1983 and Moses was the most dominant center of the 1980s. Throw in Andrew Toney, the forgotten scorer on Erving’s team, and Maurice Cheeks as a solid all-around point guard, and this Sixers team was well-rounded and ready to tackle the giants of the 80s (Celtics/Lakers).

And that wouldn’t be enough against the 2000 Lakers.

Shaquille O’Neal and Kobe Bryant still got along in 2000. Kobe was still one of the most exciting athletes in the NBA and Shaq was the most dominant center since prime-Kareem. This Lakers duo is up there with the very best in NBA history. So what if tensions ruined the potential dynasty in L.A? In 2000, this was just a team dead-set on bringing back the Larry O’Brien trophy to Los Angeles. And Philly may have a forgotten scorer in Toney, but the Lakers had a still very-serviceable Glen Rice.

Shaq and Kobe FTW! GTFOH with your crazy layups and 20-20 stat lines! Lakers take this one in five.

#2 1972 Los Angeles Lakers vs. #7 1989 Detroit Pistons

The 1972 Lakers won a still-record 33 straight regular season games. The 1989 Pistons got into a still-record 33 bench-clearing brawls (approximately).

The Pistons would knock the absolute shit out of Jerry West and Bill Laimbeer would probably throw four dozen elbows (per game) at an aging Wilt Chamberlain just for the hell of it. And I’d absolutely love it, and not just because I’ve hated the Lakers as long as I can remember.

The Bad Boy Pistons, led by Isiah Thomas, Joe Dumars, and Adrian Dantley are one of the deepest teams I’ve ever seen. Mark Aguirre, Vinnie Johnson, Dennis Rodman, Rick Mahorn, and John Salley were just complementary pieces on this team. They may be known for their, um, grit, but they were still an insanely talented team.

Meanwhile, Jerry “The Logo” West led a cast including leading-scorer Gail Goodrich, up-and-comer Jim McMillan, the shell of Elgin Baylor, forgotten man Happy Hairston, and post-dominance Wilt Chamberlain (who still averaged over 19 rebounds a game, FWIW). This was a finesse team that pushed the pace and scored in bunches. Basically the exact opposite of the Bad Boys.

With a contrast of styles, it’s tough to decide who would win this series. Based on toughness and mental fortitude alone, I’m going to go with Zeke and Coach Daly’s Pistons. Something tells me I’m forced to suspend Laimbeer after a blow he probably would’ve gotten away with three decades ago. I also think that blow hampers Chamberlain and/or Baylor and takes one of the primary weapons out of the Lakers arsenal. I just think the more advanced age of the Lakers would have a tough time standing up to the most physical team in NBA history.

Zeke also brought the swagger 24/7

I’ll give West and the Lakers a couple games, but the Pistons finish this one off in six.

Now, with the first round in the books, let’s take a look at the updated, Best Team Ever bracket!

Wow, 2000 Lakers against the Bad Boy Pistons! Jordan against LeBron! The second round is going to look like the Sistine Chapel, if the Sistine Chapel were a fictionalized basketball tournament. Come back for the next post analyzing the second round as we (read: I) determine the best team ever, informed only by my own subjectivity! Mazel Tov!

Forgot About Pedey: Dustin Pedroia is Still Pretty Great

Want to look at an offense with plenty of terrific storylines this season? Look no further than the Boston Red Sox.

23 year-old right fielder, Mookie Betts is on pace for 150 runs, 125 RBIs, 25 stolen bases, and 40 home runs, all while batting .289. That’s absolutely freaking insane!

Xander Bogaerts, the phenom shortstop, recently had a 26-game hitting streak snapped. Nevertheless, he’s leading the American League in batting average after finishing second for the batting title last season. He’s also second in the AL in runs scored and tenth in OPS. Oh yeah, he’s also still 23 years old. Total stud.

Jackie Bradley, Jr. finally seems to have figured out major league pitching and looks like a true star. Despite losing his 29-game hitting streak, he’s still batting .324 and has the second highest OPS in the American League. The breakout, by all accounts, is legit.

And, of course, David Ortiz is having the best season of his career to this point. At 40 years old, Big Papi is currently leading the AL in RBIs, SLG, and OPS. He’s also third in batting average and home runs. His on-pace stats are equally ridiculous (45 HR/71 2B/151 RBIs), and he’s set to easily surpass the best numbers for any player EVER over 40 years old. If this really is the retirement tour for Ortiz, it’s the most impressive way any player has ever went out.

#NeverRetire

With all the incredible performances up-and-down the Red Sox lineup, the Laser Show has gotten lost in the shuffle.

Hitting second in the best offense in the majors, Dustin Pedroia is on pace for a 200-hit season and prepped to easily surpass 100 runs scored. He’s currently tracking towards just his second 20-home run season and first since 2011. His OPS is also the highest it’s been since ’11. He hasn’t finished a season with a batting average this high since his MVP season in 2008. By all accounts, Dustin Pedroia is prepped to have one of the best seasons of his terrific career.

And nobody cares.

“Come on!”

I’m not proposing that the national media needs to ignore the feats of Betts, Bogaerts, or Big Papi in favor of Pedroia. I’m just saying they need to give credit to an incredible career resurrection. The pundits wanted to write Pedroia off after two injury plagued seasons. Sure, the injury risk is still present, especially with a player that dives and lunges as often as Dustin, but unless he gets hurt again, we need to reinsert Pedroia into the ranks of elite second basemen.

Leading all second basemen in Defensive Runs Saved and UZR, it’s clear Pedroia is still the best defensive second basemen in the league. In fact, his numbers indicate that he’s one of the best defensive players in the entire league, at 20th in DRS and 11th in UZR. Only two middle infielders have better numbers in both categories (Brandon Crawford of the Giants and Nick Ahmed of the Diamondbacks). The defense has never been a question, but it’s worth noting that the injuries haven’t robbed any of his talent with the glove.

Yeah, he’s still alright at that whole “defense” thing

Pedroia’s WAR may be the fourth highest on his own team, but going off WAR alone (which is flawed, I know) Dustin has been as valuable as Bryce Harper this season. Only four second basemen currently have a higher WAR than Pedey: Jose Altuve, Robinson Cano, Ben Zobrist, and Daniel Murphy. That’s some pretty good company. And of that group, it’s no surprise that Pedroia is far and away the best defender of the bunch.

Dustin Pedroia will never be an MVP-caliber player again. With Altuve and Cano in the American League, I’m not even sure Pedroia is deserving of an All-Star spot this season. But he’s absolutely deserving of respect, even if he’s not making the headlines out of Boston. The Laser Show has absolutely still got it.

Big Game James and the End of What Never Was in San Diego

James Shields is now a member of the Chicago White Sox.

Less than two years ago, the Padres were a dark horse contender on the back of an incredible offseason.

Now they’re in the midst of the worst situation in baseball. After mortgaging the farm system to contend, the Padres are sitting in a baseball purgatory. It’s too late to sell off the pieces they never should have acquired. Teams like the Braves, Reds, and Brewers have approached their respective rebuilds with mostly savvy moves. The Padres have done the opposite.

Now, you have to commend the Padres for their efforts. In a division dominated by the Giants-Dodgers rivalry, San Diego legitimately felt that they might have an opportunity to wedge themselves into the NL West discussion. For a team that hasn’t been relevant seemingly since Bon Jovi was a real rockstar and not a fixture of DirecTV commercials, a bold, rushed rebuild wasn’t a ridiculous idea. After all, we’re basically watching a less extreme version of the 2015 Padres crash-and-burn in Arizona this year.

I will never ridicule a front office for making a calculated risk. James Shields could easily turn into a home-run allowing mess for the White Sox. But his career numbers suggest that he should, in theory, be a solid improvement on Miguel Gonzalez or Mat Latos. The White Sox made a premeditated gamble and minimized the potential loss. Erik Johnson and Fernando Tatis, Jr. aren’t likely to become All-Star talents at the major league level. There’s still the possibility that Shields can deliver a sub-3.00 ERA stretch and pitch an above-average four months. For the White Sox, this trade represents devotion to a hot start and a necessary risk in order to make their contention legitimate. For the Padres, this trade represents the end of a miserably executed and expensive rebuild that turned into a nightmare for the San Diego front office.

Padres fans when they have to start ANOTHER rebuild

So let’s break down exactly how bad San Diego General Manager A.J. Preller butchered the Padres and what they can do to get out of the most unenviable position in baseball.

The first move of the fateful 2015 rebuild might be the best representation of the low-risk mess the Padres turned into. Trading away Yasmani Grandal, Joe Wieland, and Zach Eflin, the Padres acquired Matt Kemp and Tim Federowicz from the Los Angeles Dodgers. I still want to call this trade a win for the Padres. Grandal is the notable loss to the Padres, but he would have just been blocking top prospect Austin Hedges if he were still in San Diego. Meanwhile, Matt Kemp has been unspectacularly productive in a Padres uniform. Yes, his OBP is currently sitting at an unsightly .249, but people are quick to forget that he had a 100-RBI season last year in an offense that, by all accounts, underachieved immensely.

Matt Kemp hasn’t been the MVP candidate that he once was, but Padres fans would have been wrong to expect that from the aging, oft-injured outfielder. In actuality, Kemp is a slugger in a traditionally ill-equipped park to suit his eroding skills. Throw in the fact that his contract runs through 2019 paying him $21.75M a year and Kemp accurately encompasses the short-sighted gamble that Preller made prior to 2015.

See, even Matt Kemp himself agrees with my point

Remember how I said that Grandal would have just been blocking top prospect Austin Hedges’s way to the majors. Well, the Padres apparently noticed they had an opening for their young catcher and knew they couldn’t just leave it that way. So the Padres did something about it, trading away Jesse Hahn and R.J. Alvarez for Derek Norris and Seth Striech. While R.J. Alvarez wasn’t a huge blow to the Padres, Jesse Hahn was a fairly well-regarded young starter. Meanwhile, Striech has yet to reach the majors and Derek Norris is hitting .198 for the Padres.

Again, I understand the logic behind this deal for San Diego. Derek Norris was coming off an All-Star season in Oakland and was just 26 years old. Sure, they liked Hedges back then,  but if Norris could repeat his 2014 average and crank double-digit homers annually for the Padres, they’d worry about the prospect later. Sadly, that amount of optimism was unfounded. Norris’s 2014 was an aberration and while’s he’s not as bad as his 2016 numbers would suggest, anything more than 2015’s .250 batting average and 14 home runs would have been surprising.

Meanwhile, Jesse Hahn has flashed major league potential in Oakland. His strikeout numbers have cratered since leaving Petco Park, and the Athletics have been hesitant to commit to Hahn at the major league level. Regardless, his career could still wind up being that of a solid #3 starter at the major leagues. I don’t know that Norris won’t have the more valuable career, but his time in San Diego is clearly already overlong and now the Padres will likely struggle to find a team willing to give up much for a struggling backstop. Catcher is an abysmal position and Norris’s offensive game might actually be above-average this season. At this point, though, Preller needs to trade Norris for someone better than Hahn or this will go down as another failed move in his 2015 tire fire.

Oh, look! The Padres!

Now let’s not act like every move Preller has made in San Diego was a total failure. One move really stands out, in all honesty, as a smashing success.

Getting Wil Myers for (essentially) Rene Rivera was A.J. Preller robbing the Rays blind. If given the opportunity, I’m sure the offensively-challenged Rays would want their young outfielder back. Hitting .270 with 8 home runs thus far, the former AL Rookie of the Year seems to finally be returning to the player that excited Rays fans back in 2013. The injury concerns are still present, but shifting to first base in San Diego might help mitigate this risk. Nobody is looking at Myers as a future MVP candidate, but Padres fans should be excited to have him at first base in the longterm, especially for nothing but a backup catcher that only has 42 plate appearances in 2016.

Wait, the Padres also gave up Trea Turner and Joe Ross in that deal!

Well, it was nice to live in a world where San Diego made a smart move, even if it was just for a paragraph in a hypothetical rewrite of history. Oh well, back to the bleak reality.

The perception of Justin Upton among fans doesn’t accurately mirror his actual value. There’s only one word to describe Upton’s 2016:

That’s right, Chuck! Still, his track record suggests that he should be a 20 homer/20 stolen base threat with an acceptable batting average and ordinary outfield defense. That’s exactly what Justin Upton was in San Diego (26 HR/19 SB). What’s the problem? Preller and the Padres traded a package befitting a perennial All-Star for one of the most consistently inconsistent players in the majors. It’s no Shelby Miller-for-Everything in the Diamondbacks system, but it was still enough of an overpay to place quite a bit of pressure on Upton.

Mallex Smith and Jace Peterson were the headliners for J-Up. In a vacuum, that’s a fair return. For an impending free agent, however, that looks somewhat steep. And now, considering the Padres’ refusal to invest in Upton over the long term, it only amplifies the failure of the 2015 San Diego Pathetics.

Any San Diego fan that’s read this far

But that was not the last trade that Preller felt compelled to make with the Braves.

Trading away pitching prospect Matt Wisler, and outfielders Cameron Maybin and Carlos Quentin, the Padres reeled in one of the best closers of all time, Craig Kimbrel, and the “other” Upton. Evaluating the Padres offseason in retrospect, this is easily the best trade on the San Diego side.

Craig Kimbrel’s talents were wasted on a bad Padres team and it says a lot that the Upton formerly known as B.J. turned out to be primed for the best stint in San Diego out of Kate’s two brothers. In all seriousness, A.J. Preller made this move when he thought the team was going to be extremely competitive in the NL West. In context, it made sense. While Melvin Upton Jr. has, against all odds, reinvigorated his career in San Diego, he’s nothing more than another trade chip at this point.

C’mon teams, maybe Melvin Upton is now Bo Jackson!

Toss in the Shields overpay and it’s clear that Preller’s bold moves served only to set the Padres organization back.

However, in the 2016 offseason, Preller recognized his failure and began to restart the Padres rebuild. Trading away Craig Kimbrel was a masterful move. Garnering two top prospects for a closer was almost unbelievable. Getting rid of Joaquin Benoit was another step in accepting defeat; non-competitive teams absolutely do not need good bullpens. Preller and the Padres recognized that in 2016 they were going to be among the non-competitive teams.

(Okay, so they signed Alexei Ramirez to play shortstop. Nobody’s perfect)

Now, the true test for the Padres begins. They’re going to have to get creative and they’re going to swallow a lot of money, but selling off and committing to many years in rebuild mode is the correct move for the Padres. A.J. Preller is a competitor and I understand that it’s hard to give in, but it’s time to fold on this hand and come back to the table of competition with more chips next time.

So to Mr. Preller, I wish you and your team good luck on the rebuild. I hope that some team is desperate enough to think Melvin Upton’s resurgence is built to last. I hope the Rangers come calling and offer up a decent deal to take Derek Norris off your hands. I hope you recognize that there’s no use keeping players like Yangervis Solarte and Alexei Ramirez around. I’d wish you luck trading Matt Kemp, but you’re probably stuck with that burden. And lastly, I hope Tyson Ross, Drew Pomeranz, and Andrew Cashner bring back a sizable haul when each is inevitably traded (the homer in me wants the Red Sox to pay the price for Ross and/or Pomeranz. Please give them a call).

And to James Shields, your time in San Diego will not be forgotten. Well, at least for another year or so.

Of Course I’m Mocking You! The Definitive 2016 NBA Mock Draft

#1 Pick, Philadelphia 76ers – Ben Simmons (PF, LSU)

There’s a reason the 76ers have the top pick in this year’s draft. Their roster doesn’t have a single NBA-caliber guard and their frontcourt is far too crowded when healthy. The Sixers need a ball handler and distributor that can orchestrate something resembling an NBA offense. They need a true point guard.

Which is why Ben Simmons, a 6’10” power forward, is the only correct choice. The guy plays with a point guard’s mentality, but has the rebounding and interior scoring of a big man. He’s a hybrid that’s rarely seen in the NBA. The LeBron comparisons are completely unfair. Nobody is going to be LeBron. But Simmons can be a star in his own, unique way.

What. A. Pass.

He’s got the biggest potential in this year’s draft. Worry about overcrowding the frontcourt later and just take the best talent in the 2016 draft, Philly.

#2 Pick, Los Angeles Lakers – Brandon Ingram (SF, Duke)

The Lakers don’t need to think very hard. This year’s draft is Ben Simmons, Brandon Ingram and then everybody else. If the Sixers take Simmons, the Lakers should immediately lock in Ingram as their final answer. And vice versa.

Brandon Ingram’s post turnaround game is deadly.

Pairing the length and shooting of Ingram on the perimeter with D’Angelo Russell at point and Julius Randle in the paint is a solid foundation for the Lakers. Also, Ingram’s incredible wingspan might allow him to play the four in certain situations and let the Lakers join the four-out trend in NBA offenses.

Just take Ingram, L.A. You’re already my least favorite franchise. Might as well build around a star from my least favorite college program.

 

(But seriously, this is the right move)

#3 Pick, Boston Celtics – Dragan Bender (PF, Israel)

And now, to the “everything else” that is the 2016 draft.

I’ve heard some say Bender might be a better international prospect than Kristaps Porzingis. The Celtics should really try and play up that narrative.

Once the Celts failed to secure a top 2 selection, it seemed like the obvious move would be to just trade the pick. The Celtics are in contention right now. They want proven NBA talent.

Dragan says “NO”

But if they keep the pick, they should absolutely go with one of the rawest prospects in the draft. It’s true that Bender may have the highest non-Simmons ceiling in this draft, but his floor could easily be Darko Milicic-esque. The Celtics are crowded in the backcourt though, so the safer top prospects like Kris Dunn and Jamal Murray don’t make much sense. Might as well just go with the guy named Dragan and hope he turns into something special.

#4 Pick, Phoenix Suns – Jaylen Brown (SF, California)

The Suns DO NOT need another guard to muddle their already crowded backcourt. Eric Bledsoe, Brandon Knight, and Devin Booker should all be starting somewhere in 2016. Instead, one of them will be coming off the bench for a Phoenix team that desperately needs to find a trade partner for Knight.

So if the guard spots are filled, that seemingly eliminates Dunn and Murray again.

The Suns really need an athletic forward that can spread the floor.

Jaylen Brown is an athletic forward. Maybe the shooting develops quickly. Either way, he’s the best possible fit for the Suns and could immediately carve out a significant role on his transition skills alone.

#5 Pick, Minnesota Timberwolves – Kris Dunn (PG, Providence)

The Timberwolves have their star. Karl-Anthony Towns is a franchise cornerstone. Andrew Wiggins is a terrific scorer and great perimeter defender. Together, the Timberwolves have a one-two punch that could be deadly in the very near future. Now to build a cohesive team around them.

Ricky Rubio and Zach LaVine make a fine, young backcourt. But Rubio, LaVine, and Kris Dunn could be one of the most skilled and dangerous backcourts in the league. Dunn and LaVine both have the skill set to effectively play both on and off the ball. You can start either one and have the other come off the bench as an elite combo guard. I would lean toward starting Dunn and bringing LaVine off the bench, but it’s all pretty much the same.

Video breakdown: Kris Dunn is GOOD

On a team that needs a knock-down shooter to round out the starting five, I understand the argument for Murray over Dunn. Jamal Murray is absolutely the better shooter. But if I’m Minnesota, I would prioritize finding shooting from the four spot in free agency (Marvin Williams, maybe) and going with the better all-around player in Kris Dunn. Plus, Dunn has the “true” point guard skills that would allow the Wolves to move Rubio in the future (Rubio for Thad Young at the trade deadline. Who says no?).

#6 Pick, New Orleans Pelicans – Jamal Murray (SG, Kentucky)

Much like the Lakers with choosing the remainder of Simmons and Ingram, the Pelicans need to automatically lock in whichever guard (Murray or Dunn) is still available at number six.

New Orleans needs to surround Anthony Davis with shooters. Jrue Holiday is a solid point guard when healthy, but he’s not an elite floor-spacer. Eric Gordon and Ryan Anderson are most likely gone. And Tyreke Evans isn’t about to start showing consistency behind the arc at this stage of his career.

Enter Jamal Murray.

Jamal, you shoot basketballs, not arrows. Quit being silly.

I’m not sure Murray won’t walk into the league a better two guard than Eric Gordon. He showed the mentality and ability to be an elite scorer while surrounded by talent at Kentucky. He’s got a great stroke from beyond the arc and the skills to man the point in a pinch when (not if) Jrue Holiday gets injured. The Pels need to find a true second star to pair with Davis, and Murray has the background to possibly fit the bill.

#7 Pick, Denver Nuggets – Buddy Hield (SG, Oklahoma)

The Nuggets are one of the rare high lottery teams that is truly at liberty to just draft the best player available, regardless of position.

Lucky for them, the best player available is the most prolific scorer and shooter in college basketball last season.

Full disclosure: Buddy Hield is my favorite player in this draft.

Buddy Hield may be old by lottery pick standards, but he’s already made the improvements in college that he would have had to make in the NBA. He’s become a better rebounder for his position. He’s more willing to pass and has a better handle than he did as a freshman. And of course, he’s developed his jumper into one of the most deadly weapons in all of college hoops. Honestly, he’s one of the most complete prospects in this year’s draft.

Shooting is always valuable in the NBA and Hield brings with him an immediate superstar profile. He just needs to find the playing time in the Mile High City.

#8 Pick, Sacramento Kings – Furkan Korkmaz (SG, Turkey)

A lot of draft experts are pretty down on the talent in this year’s draft. After looking at the first seven picks, it’s fair to wonder why there’s so much negativity.

Well, this next tier of players is why. And sadly, the Kings’ draft position has totally screwed them.

The Kings front office evaluating the draft

There are a few intriguing players with potential left, but none of them really make sense for the Kings. Henry Ellenson is a talented young stretch four, but Boogie Cousins isn’t a good enough defender to make up for Ellenson’s struggles on the less glamorous end of the floor. Jakob Poeltl has been a monster in college, but his skill set doesn’t seem like a good fit with Cousins either. There’s some buzz surrounding Washington freshman Marquese Chriss, but I’m not buying his shooting as such a great asset that it makes up for  the many unrefined aspects of his game.

Hence, the Kings taking the young Turk, Furkan Korkmaz. Like almost every international prospect, the word “raw” is inescapable. Still, his shooting skill is for real. He may not be ready for NBA competition for a year or two, but the same could be said about the young stretch fours in the mid-lottery range. The Kings already have a decent frontcourt prospect in Willie Cauley-Stein, but in the backcourt it appears the Ben McLemore ship has sailed. Maybe Korkmaz can become what McLemore hasn’t been. Or maybe not. It’s all just a crapshoot.

#9 Pick, Toronto Raptors – Henry Ellenson (PF, Marquette)

The Raptors need frontcourt depth. Bismack Biyombo and Luis Scola are both set for free agency. Luckily, Toronto has a multitude of solid options at the ninth pick to back up Jonas Valanciunas and Patrick Patterson next year.

I’d go with Henry Ellenson, if I were Toronto GM Masai Ujiri. Sure, Jakob Poeltl could be just as good as Valanciunas and might stay healthier. Sure, Marquese Chriss might be the superior shooter. But Ellenson is the best fit for the Raptors.

Ellenson reminds me of another former #9 pick. It’s Frank Kaminsky, but still.

He’s got the shooting ability to space the floor with Valanciunas. He’s got the size to match up at center and battle on the glass. He’s the duel threat right now that I’m not sure other big men in this range will ever become. The Raptors are competitive right now and need to go with a sure thing that can fill more than one need.

#10 Pick, Milwaukee Bucks – Skal Labissiere (C, Kentucky)

The Bucks already have their core pieces in place. Giannis Antetokounmpo is a 6’11” point guard that will be an All-Star at some point. Khris Middleton might be the most under-appreciated player in the entire league. And Jabari Parker still has the elite scoring ability that garnered comparisons to Carmelo Anthony. Throw in complementary pieces like Rashad Vaughn, Miles Plumlee, and John Henson, and the Bucks have the roster ready to return to the postseason as soon as next year.

The Bucks need a center that better fits their system. Greg Monroe was a good signing in theory, but he doesn’t really fit the lengthy, defense-first identity the Bucks are cultivating. Plumlee is a decent fit, but consistency is a real concern. As a result, Milwaukee should pursue a high upside big that can run the floor and protect the rim.

In theory, Skal Labissiere fits the bill. His freshman season at Kentucky was a massive letdown, but there were signs of his elite prospect skills around tournament time. He’s got length, athleticism, and the skills to knock down a midrange shot as well as occasionally flash some post moves. In Milwaukee he wouldn’t have a heavy burden and could be brought along slowly. Labissiere is the kind of gamble that could take the Bucks from future playoff contention to future title contention.

#11 Pick, Orlando Magic – Denzel Valentine (SG, Michigan State)

In this draft, Orlando can’t afford any gambles. They haven’t made the playoffs since the Dwight Howard era. A smart, unexciting move is better than a big gamble on Deyonta Davis or Marquese Chriss.

That’s why I’m an advocate for Denzel Valentine at 11.

What was Michigan State thinking with these jerseys?

He’s an undersized, do-all senior out of Michigan State. The Draymond Green comparisons are overplayed, but impossible to ignore. If he can have an impact remotely close to that of Green, he could push this team back towards the playoffs.

The Magic are made up of master-of-none players. Victor Oladipo, Aaron Gordon, and even Elfrid Payton all bring a wide skill-set without excelling at any one aspect of the game. If Valentine could handle playing small forward, Orlando could have a lineup of all-around players surrounding an elite post scorer in Nikola Vucevic. The Magic could pursue more shooting, but I think they should just embrace their against-the-grain style and buck the pressures of the modern NBA. It might not work, but it’s the path Orlando has chosen.

#12 Pick, Utah Jazz – Demetrius Jackson (PG, Notre Dame)

The Jazz haven’t had a good point guard since Deron Williams. That’s been a long time now.

I like Dante Exum as a prospect. He’s a long point guard with potential to be a great all-around player. In an ideal Utah scenario, Exum shows the talent to be a long-term starter next season and settles the point guard dilemma for the Jazz.

Still, Demetrius Jackson is a competitor that would be an immediate upgrade on the point guards currently healthy for the Jazz. He can score a little, orchestrate an offense, and rebound well for his position. He’s like a lite version of Kyle Lowry when you watch him play. Even if he’s just Exum’s backup, he’s still better than Trey Burke, Shelvin Mack, or Raul Neto. For a team looking towards the playoffs, I think a safe pick is the only way to go.

Oh yeah, Jackson’s also definitely got NBA athleticism. LAWD.

#13 Pick, Phoenix Suns – Marquese Chriss (PF, Washington)

The Suns need floor spacing if their system is going to be successful. Mirza Teletovic thrived down the stretch as a three-point gunner at the four in Phoenix. That’s not really a good thing.

Marquese Chriss can certainly shoot the ball. His stock is on the rise solely because of his floor-spacing abilities. Yes, he’s a tremendous athlete and his post game is developing, but so much of his game is in the “development” stage. Even his shooting isn’t truly an elite weapon yet. Luckily, the Suns can afford to stomach some growing pains in the off-chance that Chriss can become a real weapon in their pace-and-space system.

Teletovic shouldn’t be playing regularly next season. The Suns have the time to let Chriss develop, so if he’s available, I love Chriss’s potential at #13.

#14 Pick, Chicago Bulls – Jakob Poeltl (C, Utah)

In this draft, I believe Jakob Poeltl is a Top 8 overall talent. I also think it’s tricky to find a good fit for him among lottery teams.

The Bulls have plenty of big men (Taj Gibson, Nikola Mirotic, Bobby Portis), but none of them are true centers. I’m not sure Fred Hoiberg’s team needs a real center, but Poeltl would be a great fit nevertheless. He’s a really good rebounder that has a great post game and can drift to the high post and keep defenses honest. The only real knock on Poeltl is his average length, but that’s really nitpicking, in my opinion.

He can’t fully replace the all-around game of Pau Gasol, but he could work his way into a major role on this team.

#15 Pick, Denver Nuggets – Timothe Luwawu (SF, Serbia)

I like the idea of stashing talent at the #15 pick for the Nuggets. They have an over-crowded depth chart and I doubt they’re going to find a player in the mid-first that really stands out and could carve a huge role on the team.

If Korkmaz is still available, I think the Nuggets should go with the sharpshooter. However, in this mock, he’s not.

Timothe Luwawu is the one dunking, BTW

Therefore, Timothe Luwawu is the most intriguing international prospect left. He’s a combo-forward that probably needs at least another year of development before he’s ready to make the leap to the NBA. He could be a plus rotational player for the Nuggets if they clear out some of their redundancies (e.g. Wilson Chandler) in an effort to make a tighter rotation.

#16 Pick, Boston Celtics – Zhou Qi (C, China)

Everything I just said about the Nuggets having a crowded depth chart applies to the Celtics.

For that very reason, I think a stash is a solid option here as well (assuming the Celtics are forced to keep all three first rounders, which isn’t a likely scenario). There’s a bunch of intriguing international big men in this year’s draft, but the lengthy frame of China’s Zhou Qi makes him stand out slightly more than other foreign bigs. He’s a solid rebounder and could develop into an elite shot-blocker if he can improve his timing.

He gets the block, but you can see the hesitation of an unrefined prospect

The Celtics don’t have room for really adding any talent to their roster, so Qi seems like a smart stash in the middle of the draft.

#17 Pick, Memphis Grizzlies – Domantas Sabonis (PF, Gonzaga)

Ignore the stats from his two years at Gonzaga. When you actually watch Sabonis play, you see a clearly talented big man that just happened to play for one of the most talented frontcourts in college basketball.

Domantas dominating Duke. NBD.

The end is approaching for Zach Randolph and I think that Sabonis has everything it takes to succeed the second he steps onto an NBA court. He’s strong and has the necessary size. He’s a terrific rebounder and finishes in the interior.

Most modern NBA offenses don’t need guys like Sabonis on their benches anymore. Memphis is the rare exception that plays at the right pace to accentuate Sabonis’s strengths and mask his weaknesses. I think he’s the perfect successor to the power forward spot in Memphis and makes sense for a team that’s pretty much forced into trying to compete in 2017.

#18 Pick, Detroit Pistons – Dejounte Murray (SG, Washington)

One of the fast risers in this year’s draft, Dejounte Murray has the size to handle the two guard spot in the NBA but also the skills of a point guard.

If Washington had convinced Murray and Chriss to stay for next year…Scary athleticism

Detroit had one of the worst benches in the league last year. While they lack talent behind Andre Drummond (who will undoubtably be re-signed), the Pistons have next to nothing backing up Reggie Jackson at point guard (Steve Blake is not a good safety net).

Murray has the talent to be a more-than-competent backup point guard and has the tools to thrive playing off the ball. He’s also probably one of the best pure athletes in this year’s draft. In Stan Van Gundy’s system that emphasizes pace and pick-and-roll basketball, I think Murray is the obvious fit at #18.

#19 Pick, Denver Nuggets – Taurean Prince (SF, Baylor)

Yes, I said the Nuggets depth chart is too crowded four picks earlier. But I’m willing to make an exception for Prince.

Next to Buddy Hield (who the Nuggets took at #7), no senior in college basketball improved more between the beginning and end of their college careers. Last year, Taurean Prince would have been nothing but a rebounder and defender that lacked a true position in the NBA. Now, Prince’s offense game (especially the outside shooting) has expanded to where he could be a legitimate “3-and-D” player off the bench in Denver.

He’s a physical, gritty player that just wants to win. Every team can use a guy like that.

#20 Pick, Indiana Pacers – Tyler Ulis (PG, Kentucky)

Larry Bird wants the Pacers to play more small ball, right? Well, you can’t get much smaller than Tyler Ulis.

If Ulis was five inches taller, he’d probably be in the conversation for a Top 5 pick. Sadly, size matters in the NBA and it’s rare for players smaller than six feet to actually become stars.

Still, Ulis would be the only “true” point guard on the Pacers and if size doesn’t prove to be an issue, he could become similar to Isaiah Thomas in Boston. He’s a good finisher in the paint with elite quickness and strong outside shooting. Also, he’s a true leader that was clearly the best player on a Kentucky team full of NBA prospects.

Maybe his height proves to be damning to his NBA career. But he’s got the character that makes him a worthwhile gamble for Indiana.

#21 Pick, Atlanta Hawks – Deyonta Davis (PF, Michigan State)

Deyonta Davis is a project. He has the raw tools to become a great NBA power forward, but he didn’t receive a whole lot of playing time in his lone season at Michigan State. He’d be a perfect selection for a team that has the time to develop his game.

Atlanta is in win-now mode. Paul Millsap alone necessitates that the Hawks try to be competitive in 2017. Should Al Horford leave in free agency, the Hawks will have to find depth in the frontcourt. Davis could step onto the court and immediately offer rebounding and shot-blocking that would make him a valuable contributor off the bench.

That’s some solid defense from a college freshman

The Hawks would stunt Deyonta Davis’s growth, but if he’s still available, he’s too good to pass up.

#22 Pick, Charlotte Hornets – Brice Johnson (PF, North Carolina)

Michael Jordan loves former Tar Heels. Michael Jordan loves veteran college bigs. Brice Johnson fits both categories.

Al Jefferson is (most likely) gone and the Hornets seem content to let Frank Kaminsky compete for the starting center job. That leaves the Hornets with two options at power forward. They can either start Cody Zeller and stay with a traditional lineup or start Michael Kidd-Gilchrist and commit to small-ball.

Brice Johnson is probably an immediate upgrade on Cody Zeller. He’s got NBA length and athleticism and can rebound, block shots, and score with efficiency all the way out to the high post. His defense can be questionable at times, but that same problem probably won’t stop the Hornets from starting Frank the Tank. Even if he’s coming off the bench, he’s the type of guy that can carve out an instant-energy role in the NBA for a long time.

#23 Pick, Boston Celtics – Caris LeVert (SG, Michigan)

Again, I can’t see the Celtics actually using all of their picks just because they have such a crowded roster as is. Still, Caris LeVert would be a smart gamble if the Celtics are using this pick.

His college career was outstanding. He can score in a variety of ways, distributes the ball well, and is a solid rebounder for his size. On the other hand, he missed a lot of his games due to injury.

The handles. The pass. So, so good.

He’s not likely to stay healthy in the NBA, but if he does, he could be a bargain this late in the draft. The Celtics aren’t going to open up a rotation spot for the #23 pick anyway, so why not take a gamble on the Michigan product?

#24 Pick, Philadelphia 76ers – Wade Baldwin IV (PG, Vanderbilt)

The Sixers should make all their off-season decisions (minus the number one pick) with this in mind: Kendall Marshall, Nik Stauskas, Hollis Thompson, Isaiah Canaan, and T.J. McConnell are their guards.

That’s a disgraceful rotation for an NBA franchise, even if they were tanking.

The Sixers already have their primary ball-handler in Ben Simmons, but another one is important if they actually want their talented big men to shine. Ish Smith improved Jahlil Okafor’s game immensely. Imagine what a real point guard might do!

Wade Baldwin IV is an athletic guard that can handle both backcourt spots, score a decent amount, and distribute the ball at an acceptable rate. That sounds like an All-Star compared to what Philadelphia had to deal with over the last year. He’s an immediate upgrade for a team that seems hell-bent on making immediate upgrades.

#25 Pick, Los Angeles Clippers – A.J. Hammons (C, Purdue)

A.J. Hammons deserves a situation where he can have a chance to fight for significant minutes. He won’t have that opportunity behind Blake Griffin and DeAndre Jordan.

The Clippers don’t care, though. Their best bench big over the last few years has been Cole Aldrich. Seriously. Doc Rivers needs to add some depth to his frontcourt, especially with Griffin’s injury history. Hammons deserves a better situation to showcase his talent. He’s being severely underrated in this draft, primarily due to his age.

This was two years ago. He’s improved a TON since then.

Still, playing for a 50-game winner is a decent situation for a rookie.

#26 Pick, Philadelphia 76ers – DeAndre’ Bembry (SF, Saint Joseph’s)

I could make a strong argument for a number of guards at this spot, but I think Philadelphia should add some size and scoring to the three spot. Robert Covington is okay for a bad team, but I get the sense the Sixers don’t want to be a bad team much longer.

I’m not sure Bembry will ever be better than Robert Covington. But he’s an athletic wing that can shoot a fair amount and can even guard the two spot in the NBA. He’s as worthwhile a gamble as anyone for the Sixers in the late first.

Philly’s also getting A+ hair with this pick

#27 Pick, Toronto Raptors – Stephen Zimmerman (C, UNLV)

The Raptors already snagged Henry Ellenson for frontcourt depth. You can never have too many young big men with potential, though.

The UNLV freshman has NBA size and showed the potential to be an above-average rebounder. For a team already in contention, Toronto can afford to take a gamble on Zimmerman and see if he somehow works his way into the rotation next year.

Who cares? It’s late, both in the draft and as I’m writing this.

#28 Pick, Phoenix Suns – Damian Jones (PF, Vanderbilt)

Jon Leuer picked up significant playing time for the Suns last season. Surely a well-worn college junior can replicate the production that Leuer gave (which was spotty and unspectacular at best). Even if Damian Jones is never any better than an average big, he’s still a cheap, controllable one. The Suns could do worse here.

Yep, that’ll play.

#29 Pick, San Antonio Spurs – Malik Beasley (SG, Florida State)

I don’t want to speculate, but it’s a legitimate possibility that we’ve seen the last of Manu Ginobili in the NBA. In that case, the Spurs will need to find a new spark off their bench. Patty Mills seems to already fit that description and Jonathan Simmons and Kyle Anderson both showed an ability to be rotation players in the NBA last season.

Still, Beasley is a freshman combo guard that looked like a legitimate all-around scorer in his one college season. With the Spurs knack for developing rotation players out of anything, Beasley could turn into a star under the tutelage of Gregg Popovich. Or he’s just another shooter on a talented Spurs team. Either way, it’s a solid pick.

Oh yeah, he also plays really good defense and is hyper-athletic. The rich get richer.

#30 Pick, Golden State Warriors – Michael Gbinije (SF, Syracuse)

He’s a fairly versatile shot-maker. He’ll fit right in.

He’s not flashy, but with Harrison Barnes likely to leave this offseason, the Warriors could use another shooter to add to the wings. Even if he never leaves the D-League next season, it still won’t be a bad pick for Golden State.

AND WE’RE OUT

Now that you know how the first round is going to work out, you can probably just avoid watching the draft now. You’re welcome.

Get Hype, Philly! The Future Looks Phantastic!

Here’s a serious question: Does the city of Philadelphia get to celebrate a professional sports championship within the next decade?

It’s been nearly eight years since Philadelphia last celebrated a championship for any of their teams. Eight years since Ryan Howard, Jimmy Rollins, and Chase Utley led the Phillies to a title. In that time, Rollins has been forced to take a minor league contract before even making the White Sox, Utley has become the most hated baseball player in New York (not that they ever really liked him there), and Ryan Howard is a player that Phillies fans don’t even want on the team anymore. It’s been a remarkably swift fall from grace.

Still, eight years isn’t a huge World Series drought by any stretch of the imagination. 1983 was the last time the 76ers won the NBA Finals. You have to go all the way back to 1975 to find the last time the Flyers hoisted the Cup. And the Eagles are still without a championship in the Super Bowl era. By and large, it sucks to be a Philadelphia sports fan.

Accurate representation of Philly fans before Eagles games

But fear not, for optimism should be abound in the City of Brotherly Love!

The 76ers and Phillies both have the number one overall pick in their respective drafts. The Eagles have already drafted with the second pick in the NFL draft. Busts happen, but given three shots at premier talent, Philadelphia is bound to stumble across a star in the 2016 rookie class.

With seemingly better days ahead, let’s breakdown where each Philadelphia team is headed.

The Eagles

Carson Wentz! Carson Wentz!

Ok, so the North Dakota State prospect is still a relative unknown. But if Wentz isn’t ready to take the reigns in his first season the Eagles can just turn to Sam Bradf… Oh. Yeah, Wentz better be ready this year.

In recent history, it would be fair to say the Eagles have been the most successful franchise in Philadelphia. That says more about how low the bar for success is in Philadelphia, sadly. But the Eagles still have talent on their team. Malcolm Jenkins and Fletcher Cox are solid building blocks on defense. Jordan Matthews is a really good receiver and the Eagles offensive line, with Lane Johnson and Jason Peters, is still one of the best in the NFL. The Eagles could easily be a playoff team in 2016. On paper, Philadelphia matches up favorably with the rest of the cluttered NFC East, even if Carson Wentz isn’t ready to start at the NFL level.

Jordan Matthews should do this all the time, IMO

Football is a really volatile sport. Unless you have a truly generational star à la Tom Brady or Aaron Rodgers, it’s hard to stay competitive consistently in the NFL. As a result, predicting Super Bowl outcomes often hinges on the teams that have a clear Top 10-15 overall player somewhere on their roster. Von Miller in ’15. Brady in ’14. Kam Chancellor in ’13. Joe Flacco in ’12 (wait, he’s not even elite…). Having a great player makes winning big games so much easier.

If Carson Wentz is the next Andrew Luck, the Eagles are absolutely in a position to be a Super Bowl contender at some point in the next ten years. But that’s a big “if.”

The Flyers

If the Eagles have experienced the most success in recent years, the Flyers aren’t far behind. The Flyers actually made the playoffs this year, after all. I only give the edge to the Eagles because eight teams make the Stanley Cup playoffs, while just six get to play past Week 17 in the NFL. Regardless, both have been competent professional teams, even if the Philadelphia faithful would tell you differently.

The Flyers future is perhaps the most certain of the major sports teams in Philadelphia. The Flyers already have legitimate star players. Claude Giroux, Wayne Simmonds, and Jakub Voracek are in their primes. The blue line is on the young side and could potentially turn into one of the better in the league soon. If Shayne “Ghost” Gostisbehere can improve upon his outstanding rookie season, the Flyers have a scary-good difference maker in the back end. A talented minors system, especially in net and with defensemen, could help shore up the inconsistent defense in the near future.

Flyers fans are gonna love this “Ghost” guy for a LONG TIME

The key to contention in Philly will ultimately, however, come down to how their franchise player performs. Claude Giroux is 28 years old and entering his 9th NHL season. He’s been “the guy” in Philadelphia since 2010. And yet, the overall production has slipped over the last two seasons. He’s still been extremely productive, but he’s not been the more-than-a-point-per-game player recently. He’s still in his prime, so a bounceback is still very possible. But a repeat of his performance in the 2012 playoffs will be necessary to make a Stanley Cup run with his improving supporting cast. He registered just 1 point against the Capitals this year. That’s just not going to cut it from your captain.

In reality, the Philadelphia Flyers are sitting in that “one-guy-away” purgatory. There’s always free agency, and maybe the Flyers can stumble across another terrific forward with a middling draft pick, but until they can find one more dangerous scoring option, they’ll struggle maintaining consistency. The window is open right now and the Flyers need to make that go-for-broke move soon.

 

After all, they’re a historic franchise mired in a 41-year Stanley Cup drought. And that window might close quicker than they expect.

 The 76ers

*fire emoji*

Ben Simmons. Nerlens Noel. Jahlil Okafor. Joel Embiid. Dario Saric.

If that’s the 76ers reality after the draft, fans have a right to be excited. Sure, it’s nothing but five big men. Also, only two of them have actually played in an NBA game. But the potential in that frontcourt is astounding.

Ben Simmons is 6’10” and looks like a point guard. The potential is real.

More importantly, the Sixers can trade their young guys for other budding stars. A swap of Jahlil Okafor for Marcus Smart still seems like a logical move for both teams involved. Or maybe the Sixers keep Okafor and trade Noel to a fellow high lottery team like the Nuggets in an effort to draft a guard like Buddy Hield or Jaylen Brown.

Another option: the Sixers pass on Simmons and draft Brandon Ingram instead. Suddenly, you’ve got a long wing scorer with potential to pair with a budding front court.

I don’t know who Joel Embiid is anymore. The All-NBA talent could still be there, but at this point you can’t assume Embiid is anything more than a second coming of Greg Oden. But maybe he’s finally healthy in 2016 and inserts himself into the Anthony Davis/Karl-Anthony Towns conversation. I don’t think, even healthy, that Embiid has that level of talent, but it’s been so long since I’ve watched him compete in live action that I can’t rule it out.

I don’t know if Joel can dominate in the paint, but he’s definitely got the moves

Sam Hinkie will not be forgotten, and the fruits of #TheProcess seem to be nearly ripe. Now that Sixers ownership seems to be intent on rapid improvement, the stockpiling not only of assets, but of cap space could quickly become an important part of thrusting this team into contention. The Sixers can afford to throw the max at restricted free agents like Bradley Beal, Harrison Barnes, and Jordan Clarkson this offseason in an attempt to pry away an intriguing young wing or two.

Whatever the new timeline is in Philly, the 76ers are in a great position to succeed in the very near future. With teams like Miami, Atlanta, Toronto, Chicago and even Cleveland to an extent built around volatile cores and veterans nearing the theoretical end of their primes, the Sixers could quickly transform into legitimate contenders.

The Phillies

At 26-24, the Phillies have already exceeded my wildest expectations this year. If you told me that Philadelphia would be above .500 on Memorial Day, I would’ve assumed Ryan Howard somehow found the Fountain of Youth. Instead, he’s hitting .154 and legitimately looks finished as a Major League Baseball player.

Yet, the Phillies are winning and it’s absolutely a result of a well-executed rebuild. And a lot of luck.

Aaron Nola is not a mirage. He really is a future ace. Vince Velasquez, once he loses the innings limit, is a true 200 strikeout threat in the very near future. Even Jerad Eickhoff is a legitimate MLB starter, though he’s more of a number four guy in a good rotation.

Yeah, this Nola kid is pretty alright

Now on offense, the Phillies have some work to do. Here’s some of their overall team rankings this year:

Batting Average – 11th in the National League, 24th Overall

Home Runs – 14th in the National League, 29th Overall

Runs Batted In – 15th in the National League, 30th Overall

Runs Scored – 14th in the National League, 29th Overall

OBP – 13th in the National League, 28th Overall

OPS – 13th in the National League, 28th Overall

I could go on, but I’m pretty sure I’ve made my point vividly clear. The Phillies are in desperate need of offensive upgrades at almost every position.

Tyler Goeddel, David Lough, and Peter Bourjos should not be seeing regular at-bats on a major league team. Freddy Galvis and Cesar Hernandez are replacement-level middle infielders, at best. If you’re relying on one of them regularly, it’s barely acceptable, but both is borderline torture for Phillies fans. We already know that Ryan Howard shouldn’t even be a platoon bat at first base anymore. And Carlos Ruiz should give full time catching duties to Cameron Rupp, because at a point, being a cagey veteran doesn’t make up for being a mess at the plate.

The Phillies offense isn’t without encouraging signs of turnaround. Maikel Franco has potential to be a very good corner infielder. Rule 5 pick Odubel Herrera has improved his plate discipline to the point where I hate watching his at-bats. It’s one thing to have a long routine when you’re swinging at everything, but when you’re seeing a ridiculously high amount of pitches per plate appearance, the at-bat can seem to just drag on.

J.P. Crawford should take over shortstop at some point this season, and I doubt outfielder Nick Williams will be far behind. Jorge Alfaro should even be the Phillies everyday catcher at some point in the next two years, assuming he shows improvement behind the plate.

The Phillies won’t be relying on the minor leagues when they want to improve their offense, however. With the Mets built around a core of aging veterans and the Nationals facing Bryce Harper’s 2018 free agency, the NL East could easily open up to the Phillies in the next two years. As soon as the Phillies feel their young core is developed, I expect huge investments in established major league hitters. The Phillies have money to spend.

Go ahead and make it rain, Phillies, because the near-future looks increasingly bright.

Phillies GM Matt Klentak’s pitch to free agents in 2017

On the whole, Philadelphia sports appears to be at a turning point. On one hand, the Eagles and Flyers seem like prime candidates to either tear things down and invest in a younger core or spend recklessly to pursue immediate improvements. On the other hand, long rebuilds for the 76ers and Phillies seem to be approaching their end. With savvy maneuvering, it seems apparent that Philadelphia fans might be celebrating the ultimate goal within the next decade. If I were a gambler, I’d put money on a Phillies World Series appearance in the next seven years. I might even invest a few bucks in a Sixers title within six years if Vegas deems that a near impossibility. I’m all-in on Philadelphia’s sports future.

Then again, I should probably try to avoid getting hopes up in Philly. After all, I’d hate to contribute to more disappointment.

On second thought, just wallow in the ‘Nova national title and stay pessimistic towards the Sixers and Eagles. Go with what you know.

 

 

Foster-ed: Arian Foster Has Been Disrespected in Free Agency

Almost 30 years old. 68 career touchdowns in 76 games. 8,740 total career yards. Four time Pro Bowler and 1 time First Team All-Pro.

Yes, he only played in 4 games last season and hasn’t played a full 16 since 2012. But it still should not be this damn hard to find work for Arian Foster. It’s Memorial Day weekend and no team has been willing to gamble on the star running back.

The injuries are concerning. I get that. A torn Achilles ended his 2015 and at 29, who knows if his body can come back from another major injury. Throw in the fact that running backs typically don’t last very long once they turn 30 (which Foster will in August) and I get why a guy in his situation would still be looking for work as teams start OTAs. But hasn’t Arian Foster earned more than this?

Arian Foster since being released in March

Let’s make one thing perfectly clear. Arian Foster is not going to save anyone’s season. He’s not going to rush for 1000 yards on 25 attempts per game. He’s nothing more than a complementary piece in an NFL backfield. And if Foster starts the 2016 season healthy, history favors the opinion that he won’t be come January.

Regardless, someone should take a gamble on Foster still having a couple big games left in the tank.

Running back is perhaps the most replaceable position in football. Last year, Seattle just kept finding random backfield talent when Marshawn Lynch went down. Hell, Thomas Rawls was an absolute stud for a stretch last season. I understand the argument against signing Foster. Why sign an aging injury risk when you can invest in 22 year olds with unknown potential?

Better question:

The practice squad exists almost precisely for this situation. In an age where it’s routine for teams to carry at least three running backs on the active roster, practice squad running backs are the equivalent of that cup of Ramen noodles you have buried in your cupboard. You’re going to leave it there every time you can find something more appetizing, but microwaved noodles will stave off starvation in a pinch.

Why did I pick that particular illustration? Weird. Well, let’s roll with it.

If you’re an NFL team, you’re looking at that undrafted, fifth year senior running back out of UC – Santa Cruz as a cup of noodles. There’s a reason you didn’t have him on your list before you went to the supermarket (AKA: the NFL draft). Still, when you saw him on sale for 10 cents, he found his way into your cart. Now, when you get home and you’re planning your meals for the rest of the week, you don’t give a second thought to that cup of Ramen you bought. But if something spoils and you’re desperate for something to eat, you’ve got Ramen in the pantry.

The practice squad is the NFL equivalent of the pantry. You’re going to eat the food in the refrigerator first, but if that looks a little empty, you can always check the pantry for a snack.

I know it’s what you’re thinking. Just hang with me.

So what’s Arian Foster in this food related comparison. Well, I’d like to believe he’s better than Ramen noodles. Is he the steak cutlet that is Adrian Peterson? No. Is he the package of Ballpark Franks that is Chris Johnson? Probably not. What about the package of pickle loaf that is Rashad Jennings? Maybe, but we can do better. Arian Foster is that leftover slice of mom’s meatloaf that’s been buried in the back of the fridge for almost a week. You know at one point it was so incredibly good that, even though it’s best days are long behind it, you might as well warm it up and take a chance. Sure, it might make you sick. But it could still be 75% as good as it once was. And that’s still a pretty tasty meal.

Maybe continue this article over some Ramen?

(Clearly, I shouldn’t write when I’m hungry)

You know what Arian Foster once was and you know that he’s not the same player now. No team should feel confident if Foster is their starting running back in Week One. But there are still at least a dozen teams that should make room for a boom-or-bust gamble.

The Miami Dolphins are turning over their backfield to Jay Ajayi after finally parting with Lamar Miller. They have an unproven starter and questionable depth. Would Arian Foster really be a worse backup option than Isaiah Pead?

The Patriots have Steven Jackson on their roster. You can’t convince me that S-Jax should be potentially getting snaps for a Super Bowl contender while Arian Foster remains unsigned.

Foster could be the starter in Cleveland when he’s healthy. He’d probably just retire before he played for the Browns, but that’s a situation where he’s still an immediate upgrade.

The Ravens took a flier on Trent Richardson this offseason. Seriously.

Philadelphia, Washington, Detroit, Chicago, and even Carolina could all find a considerable role for someone with the potential that Foster brings.

Can he still do this? I’d want to find out if I were a GM.

Arian Foster may be done in the NFL. It wouldn’t surprise anyone if the Achilles tear is the final blow to a career that had incredible highlights. But the Chiefs are holding out hope that Jamaal Charles can contribute (maybe even be the workhorse again) after a second ACL repair. Foster and Charles are both incredible talents, even as they barrel towards 30. One is still on his longtime team, while the other is rehabbing in the hope that a running back-needy team comes calling.

I’m not saying the Texans gave up on their longtime star too soon. As soon as the framework for the Lamar Miller deal came together, it was clear Arian Foster wouldn’t have a role in Houston. I can’t blame the Texans for moving on; if they want to contend in 2016, Miller is an obvious upgrade on Foster. Still, the fact that Foster wasn’t immediately contacted by other teams and made a priority just seems wrong.

Foster says it will be at least another month until he feels that he is completely over the injury. I’m sure teams will come calling the minute Arian gives the public thumbs up (Miami has already shown some interest). The problem is, teams should have called a long time ago. Throw him a contract that isn’t befitting of an average backup. Arian Foster has more than earned it.

Arian Foster may not have faith in God, but NFL front offices should have a little more faith in Arian Foster.

 

What a Long, Strange Trip It’s Been: Marc-Andre Fleury and the Penguins Need a Divorce

Marc-Andre Fleury is the Most Interesting Man in Pittsburgh. Ok, not really.

In a sports town that’s been spoiled with incredible homegrown talent, it’s hard not to look at Fleury as a failure.

Andrew McCutchen turned into a star for the Pirates. Gerrit Cole and Starling Marte are also fulfilling their promise. Hell, even Gregory Polanco seems to be making good on his immense potential finally.

Ben Roethlisberger is the best quarterback in Steelers history. Come at me, Terry Bradshaw. I’ll defend Roethlisberger all day (except in the court of law). Now, Antonio Brown and Le’Veon Bell seem to have built the foundation of the most explosive offense in football.

Lastly, Sidney Crosby is a Top 5 player in Pittsburgh sports history. It’s not a slam dunk. But it’s a case I’d gladly make at this point of his career.

Top prospects in Pittsburgh seem to work out.

Marc-Andre Fleury is the exception.

A career .912 save percentage isn’t what you expect from you’re number one overall pick. In fact, Fleury is pretty average in just about every individual goalie statistic since his debut. Marc-Andre Fleury has never lived up to the franchise-altering hype that built prior to 2003. In the last decade, Fleury has the 24th highest save percentage among goalies with at least 150 games played. Within those same parameters, his Goals Against Average is 17th. Basically, Marc-Andre Fleury has been the Eastern Conference equivalent of Antti Niemi in his career. If that isn’t a glowing comparison, I don’t know what is.

When he realizes I wasn’t complementing him

Still, a lot of the criticism surrounding Fleury stems from his lofty draft status. Were the Penguins to travel back in time, however, I’m not sure that they would change their selection.

Yes, there are at least a dozen players that I would take over Fleury if the 2003 draft got a do-over. There’s no need to argue that Ryan Getzlaf, Zach Parise, and Corey Perry are slam-dunks compared to Marc-Andre. Hell, I’d rate Fleury as arguably the 4th best goalie in his own draft class. But Marc-Andre Fleury was the correct selection for the Penguins when we consider the real-life results.

Sure, the Penguins would love to have Getzlaf instead of Fleury. But in any scenario where the Penguins choose an instant impact player like #2 pick Eric Staal over Fleury, they likely don’t wind up with the best player of this generation. Like it or not, Marc-Andre Fleury is the two-out single in the bottom of the ninth that sets up the walk-off home run. Sidney Crosby probably doesn’t save Penguins hockey without Fleury being previously selected. So in essence, does that not make Fleury the true savior of Penguins hockey?

“AAAAHHHH, SAVIOR OF THE UNIVERSE!”

The reality is Marc-Andre Fleury is a necessary disappointment in Pittsburgh Penguins history. Without Fleury, the 2009 Stanley Cup probably doesn’t happen. Point to him as the reason Sidney Crosby has only hoisted the Cup once. But don’t dismiss the role that Fleury played in getting Pittsburgh that Cup in the first place. But more importantly…

When you see your ex’s new boyfriend coming to the bench for a drink

After over a decade as the bane of Pittsburgh sports fans, it’s time for Fleury to move on. Waive the no-movement clause and let Penguins management find parents that want you, Marc.

If the fact that he’s made only one start in this year’s playoffs isn’t enough of an indication, Marc-Andre Fleury has lost the starting goaltender job in Pittsburgh. Matt Murray is the future and the future is now.

Unless Fleury is comfortable with being a backup for the duration of his career, he should look at saying farewell to the Steel City. But where should he go?

Well, any team trading for the 31 year-old goalie will certainly be looking to contend next season. They’ll also need to have a massive hole in-net, as Fleury’s contract necessitates that he be more than just a mild upgrade. As a result, very few teams fit the bill.

Would the Flyers look at Fleury as a potential upgrade over Steve Mason and Michal Neuvirth? Possibly, but if they do, they’re incredibly mistaken.

Are the Jets willing to consider a changing of the guard at goaltender? They should be, but I’m not sure Fleury makes much sense considering Winnipeg’s goalie depth in the minors.

What about Vancouver? Coming off a disappointing season, surely Marc-Andre would be better than Ryan Miller? No doubt, but I have reservations as to whether Vancouver actually fancies themselves a contender next year. It wouldn’t be all that surprising if the Canucks put on a mild tank job for 2017.

No, if the Penguins want to find a home for Fleury, they’ll need to convince the bottom-feeders of 2016 that they can be playoff teams in 2017.

“Alright, let’s talk”

 

Convince Toronto that the playoffs aren’t that far out of reach (they are). Maybe sway Carolina into biting on a potential quick turnaround (don’t do it, Canes! Give Eddie Lack a shot!). Damn it, see if the Blue Jackets are fed up with Bobrovsky’s constant injuries (Hang in there, Columbus). In reality, only three teams with legitimate turnaround potential seem like possible fits for the oft-criticized goalie. So let’s play spin the wheel of lottery teams and see where Fleury might land!

To start, the Calgary Flames seem like a potential fit. After all, they’ve got a talented forward corp and one of the deepest blue lines in the NHL (though, defenseman is a bit of a misnomer in Calgary). Throw in the fact that the Flames made the playoffs in 2015 and it shouldn’t be all that difficult to convince Calgary that stability in net could lead to a postseason run. With every goalie on Calgary’s roster headed for free agency, the opening is certainly there for Fleury. In fact, I’m certain the Flames would love to add some certainty to a net that’s been extremely inconsistent for the past few years. Still, Mason McDonald seems like a goalie prospect that the Flames are high on and taking on Fleury’s contract might not make long term sense.

Another fit, the Arizona Coyotes HAVE to be fed up with Mike Smith by now. It’s painfully obvious that Smith’s years as a starter in the NHL are over. Louis Domingue showed some promise, but he’s still a relevant unknown. Anders Lindback, however, is a known quantity. And he’s not known for consistent, quality goaltending. Another team with offensive talent, the Coyotes had a lot of success early in the season before hitting a wall after the All-Star break. The West is a tough division and the Ducks, Kings, and Stanley Cup-bound Sharks are all predicted to be tough teams again next year. Nevertheless, the Coyotes should feel like they have a fighting chance at a playoff spot next season and a new goalie could go a long way to rebuilding a positive vibe in the desert.

However, I think one team could be a better fit than Arizona.

Yep, that’s snow

I’ve always said Buffalo is the desert of the Northeast. Like the Coyotes, the Sabres improved significantly over the past year. Behind new offensive talents Jack Eichel and Evander Kane, the Sabres suddenly have a core that appears to be heading towards contention. Assuming a healthy Kane and an improving Eichel, not to mention a top draft pick and money to spend, the Sabres can easily turn themselves into a playoff contender. Robin Lehner looked okay in Buffalo down the stretch, but Marc-Andre Fleury is still a significant improvement over their current goaltending situation. With a front office that doesn’t have to worry much about overspending right now, the Sabres could easily absorb Fleury’s cap hit. If they want to make a real leap (and it seems like they do), the Sabres should invest in goaltending this offseason. If they can trade for Fleury without giving up much, they absolutely should. Even if they aren’t a playoff team yet, the Sabres can use Fleury as a solid stopgap while searching for an even better longterm net minder.

If I’m placing my bet today, I’m betting on the Sabres making a trade for Marc-Andre Fleury this offseason. Regardless, the Penguins and Fleury should agree to see other people. It’s been a wild ride and Fleury has garnered mixed reviews from Penguins fans, but he’s been an undeniable factor in both the successes and disappointments of Steel City  hockey over the past decade.

Nevertheless, it’s Matt Murray’s time in Pittsburgh. Hopefully, Fleury recognizes that it’s time to move on. For everybody’s sake.

It seems like Penguins fans already like Murray more than they ever liked Fleury

 

“Make America Fun Again!” Donald Trump/Bryce Harper 2K16

Take away the trucker hats.

Take away the “Make (Fill In the Blank) Again” slogans.

Take away the heights both hope to reach in our nation’s Capital.

Bryce Harper and Donald Trump are not all that different.

Ok, so one wants to change the way America’s pastime is played and one just wants to change America. They’ve certainly got different endgames. But really, they share quite a few important characteristics.

First, let’s take a look at their haters.

Goose Gossage is a prime example of the baseball establishment taking aim at baseball’s youngest generation. After his now well-known interview condemning the bat-flipping, exuberant MVP, Gossage riled the Empire against the rebel forces. It’s not dissimilar to the disrespect that the record-setting Warriors have faced throughout their season from retired stars who can’t fathom that jump-shooting teams can actually win basketball games. Or better yet, consider the constant criticism that NFL MVP Cam Newton faced all season from critics who felt his incessant celebration was a disservice to the reputation of the National Football League (yep, because excessive celebrations are way worse than young stars retiring because of a hazardous work environment). It’s always been the case that when youth breaks from the establishment, they’re met with contempt by those hesitant in accepting change.

“Disrespectful-ass kids these days”

Bryce Harper is the figurehead for the baseball equivalent of the 1960s “flower-power” movement. Even some of his peers have condemned the “Make Baseball Fun Again” crowd. Mike Trout isn’t in the pro-bat flip camp. Everyone isn’t forced to agree with Bryce Harper just because he’s the biggest star in baseball. But to dismiss the influence and importance of Bryce Harper’s pro-“fun” movement is foolish.

Similarly, dismissing the significance of Donald Trump is a recipe for disaster.

Disagree with him. Campaign against him. Call him any number of names. But DO NOT detract from what Donald Trump has accomplished. In a party that’s all about establishment and fundamental values, Trump has managed to alienate himself from the traditional leadership. Darth Trump joined the Dark Side and then promptly gave the middle finger to Darth McConnell and the rest of the Empire. The kicker is, in bucking the establishment, Trump has basically created his own neo-conservative, moderate-hardline hybrid super-party. For all the talk of revolution in the #FeelTheBern camp, Donald Trump’s “Make America Great Again” is following the same principles.

So if Bernie Sanders and Donald Trump are both railing against their respective establishments to varying degrees, why does Donald Trump make the better comparison for Bryce Harper?

“That’s a clown question, bro.”

Seriously, if you remove the “bro” from Harper’s famous 2012 quote, doesn’t it sound like the exact type of rhetoric you might expect from Trump in any number of GOP debates? The way that Bryce Harper and Donald Trump interact with the media is a huge reason why both are so polarizing.

For one, the media actively seeks out the best quote. In baseball, Bryce Harper is the interview every reporter wants. He’s unabashed and says precisely what’s on his mind (especially when he has some particularly strong feelings towards the home plate umpire). Compare that to Trump. No candidate can make his voice heard in the same way the Donald can. When he speaks, you can’t ignore him (try as you might). Like Harper, he’s unconcerned with speaking carefully.

And why should he care? Despite his best efforts, one of his advisors has surely informed Donald that a 110% approval rating is mathematically impossible. Hell, even The Godfather only has 9.2/10 stars on IMDB’s user review ratings. If we as a society can’t agree on the masterpiece that is Francis Ford Coppola’s magnum opus, how can anyone expect us to agree on Donald Trump? It doesn’t matter if Trump’s statements make him unlikeable to some. What matters is the message, not necessarily the delivery.

In the same way that people have rallied behind Trump’s “Build a Wall” xenophobia, Bryce Harper has organized a powerful movement behind pleas to make baseball a less “tired” sport. Not everyone is going to agree with the message, but a slogan is powerful and Trump and Harper have proven to be masters of the rally cry.

Lastly, their success is key to their public prominence. Nobody would care about Trump’s message if he wasn’t incredibly wealthy. In the same way, nobody would listen to Harper railing against the baseball establishment if he wasn’t the reigning National League MVP. When you win, people begin to listen to you and like it or not, Donald and Bryce are winners. They’ll be both loved and hated by many because they’re outsiders, but they can’t be ignored as long as they’re winning.

Clearly comparing Donald Trump and Bryce Harper has its flaws. One is a 69 year old (nice) presidential candidate advocating for a stoppage of Muslim immigration to the United States. The other is a 23 year old right fielder that wants to remove the stigma from showing emotion when playing a game. Still, the two aren’t as different as they may seem.

Ooh! And another similarity between the two is they both have great hair!

In Memoriam: the 2016 Raptors and the Peak of Toronto Basketball

I’m sad to see the 2016 Toronto Raptors’ season come to a close.

Sure, Cleveland only leads the series 2-1 and Toronto has at least two more games left in their playoff run. But if we’re being realistic, their season ended the second LeBron James started warmups in Quicken Loans Arena before Game 1.

There are few guarantees in the NBA (as the Thunder seem to be proving with their demolition of the Warriors last night), but LeBron James reaching the Finals falls under the category “Inevitable.” Seriously, Gerald Wallace and Amar’e Stoudemire were still All-Stars the last time James didn’t annihilate the rest of the Eastern Conference. Only one team has bested a LeBron-led team in the Conference Finals and that was a result of Herculean efforts from Jameer Nelson, Hedo Turkoglu, and current Cavs coach Tyronn Lue (Your revisionist history won’t convince me that Dwight Howard was ever good). I’m sorry, but against a stacked Cavaliers team, the Raptors don’t stand a real chance of pulling off the upset.

*Raptors fans reacting to my sacrilegious statements*

Now if my pessimistic outlook for the Conference Finals outcome doesn’t please those in the 6ix, they really won’t like my next statement.

The Raptors aren’t going to be better next year.

I’m not saying the Raptors are going to be contending for the Number 1 pick next season. In fact, they’re probably still a playoff team next year. But 2013 Executive of the Year, Masai Ujiri has the most daunting task of his career in store come July.

The Raptors are not strapped for cash heading into the offseason. With the NBA’s salary cap projected to increase by roughly $19M this summer, the Raptors should have around $32M to spend on new acquisitions or retaining current players. It’s not the $60M+ that the Lakers will have to work with, but it’s enough to make a couple big moves.

The problem is the Raptors are going to need to make those moves to simply stay relevant in a rapidly improving Eastern Conference.

– The Boston Celtics when they got the 3rd pick after already being a 5 seed

Toronto has six impending free agents. While players like Jason Thompson, James Johnson, and Luis Scola are easily replaceable, recouping the potentially lost talent in the other three will be no easy task.

Terrence Ross, a restricted free agent, is an underrated cog in the 56-win Raptors machine. Playing nearly 24 minutes per game and averaging just under 10 points, Ross is a useful bench piece for a contender. Also, being a career 37% shooter from behind the three-point line and clocking in at just 25 years old makes Ross a prime candidate for the classic overpay. I won’t be surprised when a team like the Nets or 76ers come forth with an offer sheet that makes Terrence Ross look like a future star (he’s not).

So what? The Raptors can match any offer and keep Ross regardless of the cost.

True, but the Raptors may have bigger needs than replacing a backup wing. Fresh off of a 26-rebound masterpiece in Game 3, Bismack Biyombo is about to get PAID. We can debate whether Biyombo is worth a contract upwards of $15M annually (probably not, IMO), but after a terrific playoff run, that’s a reasonable expectation for his cap hit next season.

Jonas Valanciunas is a terrific, underrated NBA center. If I was forced to choose, I take Jonas over Bismack every time. But a huge part of why this Raptors team was the winningest in franchise history is because they didn’t have to choose. For every minute that Valanciunas had to rest, Coach Casey could simply plug in one of the best backup centers in the game and suddenly have a game-changer on defense, easily offsetting his lack of scoring. Plus, when Valanciunas went down with an injury, the Raptors didn’t need to panic because Biyombo was a terrific next man up.

When you block Kyrie in the ECF, you bust out the finger wag

Now, the Raptors might need to worry. After missing 22 games this season and never playing more that 28.2 minutes per game, there are definite concerns about the durability of Jonas Valanciunas. A backup center is a necessity for every team, but a quality one is key for true championship competitors. The Warriors have Andrew Bogut and Festus Ezeli. The Spurs have Tim Duncan and David West. The Thunder have Enes Kanter and Steven Adams. Even the Miami Heat teams of yesteryear had Chris Bosh and Birdman (Chris Andersen was a quality gator hunter at least, and that’s valuable in Florida!). Jonas Valanciunas and Bismack Biyombo are a contender-level center tandem. Jonas Valanciunas and Lucas Nogueira are questionable at best.

Biyombo isn’t the biggest potential loss for the Raptors, though. All-Star guard DeMar DeRozan could open up a gaping hole in the backcourt for the Raptors this offseason.

Kyle Lowry, Valanciunas, DeMarre Carroll, and Patrick Patterson (AKA 2Pat) alone are an Eastern Conference playoff team. DeMar DeRozan is the difference between starting a series in Indiana and making the Pacers come to “Jurassic Park” for Game 1. The Raptors need DeRozan if they want to contend next year.

The problem for Toronto comes down to the money. Monta Ellis, a 30 year old two-guard who can’t consistently make threes, will earn $10M next season. DeRozan is undoubtably more talented than Ellis at this point, has a Dwyane Wade-like ability to draw fouls, and is only 26. Teams will be paying for his prime years when he signs a contract this offseason and if Biyombo is possibly worth $15M, DeRozan will undoubtably garner at least $20M a year and I wouldn’t be shocked if his contract nears $23-25M annually. A team like the Lakers (DeRozan’s hometown team) will throw a huge contract his way. Drake should offer to split DeRozan’s cost with Toronto ownership and make sure that the Raptors’ All-Star backcourt remains in tact, because DeMar is undoubtably worth more to Toronto than any other team.

PAY. THAT. MAN.

With all of the free agency factors in mind, I want to be clear that I am not of the belief that the Raptors will be a bad team next year. I predict Toronto resigns DeRozan and settles for a cheaper backup big like Roy Hibbert (it’s sad how quickly the NBA left a 2-time All-Star behind). The Raptors have the resources to keep pace as a 50+ win team next season. And that’s great, because I love how passionate Toronto fans are now that they have a successful team with excellent management to support. But Toronto probably can’t improve enough to be a true contender next season.

Danny Ainge and the Celtics seem preordained to bring in a true difference maker this offseason with their immense amount of cap space and surplus of trade chips (including the 3rd overall pick). Charlotte can shed Al Jefferson and refit their roster to suit Coach Clifford’s style of play. The Pacers and Heat have just enough resources to field dangerous, improved teams next year. And Cleveland won’t be going anywhere unless LeBron plans on abandoning “The Land.”

In an Eastern Conference that’s only improving, the Raptors seem like a team with limited opportunities to stay ahead of the pack. Toronto fans will still have a playoff team to support, but they should truly relish the 2016 Raptors. The View from the Six looks cloudy heading into July, but the present is providing the most exciting team Toronto has ever had the pleasure to support. Whether basketball season in Canada lasts just two or three more games, it’s been a fun ride watching the 2016 Raptors.

Also, what do I know? Raptors in 7 #WeTheNorth

It’s Always Sonny in Oakland (Except When It’s Cloudy)

It’s a great time to be a sports fan in the Bay Area.

The Golden State Warriors, led by unanimous MVP Stephen Curry, 2-Time Coach of the Year Steve Kerr, and Draymond “I’ll Fight Anyone In this Bar” Green, are seeking to cap off the greatest regular season in NBA history with back-to-back championships.

The San Jose Sharks took a page out of the Hound’s book and said

Now, they find themselves in a battle with the St. Louis Blues to reach the franchises first-ever Stanley Cup Finals appearance behind Joe Pavelski and Chewbacca.

Speaking of sharks, Jeff Samardzija looks like an excellent $90M investment for the NL West-leading San Francisco Giants. Then again, it’s an even year, so we all pretty much expected this. Enjoy it while it lasts, because as soon as the calendar flips to 2017, the Shark will inevitably return to his eye-roll inducing, 4.70 ERA self.

The future Las Vegas Raiders will spend at least one more season in the Coliseum and figure to make it an exciting one for black-and-gray faithful. Adding defensive upgrades like Sean Smith and Bruce Irvin, and a difference maker on the offensive line in Kelechi Osemele, have the up-and-coming Raiders looking like playoff contenders for the first time since 2003’s Pirate Showdown. With Mark Sanchez and Paxton Hyde set to quarterback the defending champion Broncos and Andy Reid ready to ride Jamaal Charles to another season-ending injury (not to mention Philip Rivers preparing to be sacrificed by his offensive line to the likes of Von Miller and Khalil Mack), the Raiders have a fighting chance at the AFC West Championship.

I guess the 49ers can celebrate the potential that Chip Kelly brings. Plus, things can’t get much worse in Levi’s Stadium.

Yes, the state of sports in the Bay seems pretty great this year. But not everything is so sunny.

At 19-26, the Oakland Athletics currently sit in fourth place in the AL West and six games back of a Wild Card spot. Most experts wouldn’t be surprised with the struggles in Oakland this season, as many (including myself) believed the Athletics were the worst team in the American League heading into 2016. The poor win-loss record is not the top concern among A’s fans. At the moment, the team potentially leaving Oakland doesn’t even rate as  most concerning among fans. A strained right trapezius is what has Oakland fans particularly distraught at the moment.

Sonny Gray, 2015 American League Cy Young finalist and model for the most fashionable socks in baseball, has been placed on the 15-Day Disabled List with a muscle strain.

To be totally fair, a trapezius strain is not a damning injury for a pitcher. Last season, Stephen Strasburg missed about four weeks with roughly the same injury and has looked like one of the best in the game since (granted he needed another DL stint for an oblique strain to fix everything). For a non-competitive team like the Athletics that already has 12 other players dealing with injury (including their starting right fielder, second baseman, and four other starters), Sonny Gray can take all the time he needs to recover. And I have no doubt that his 6.19 ERA will come down closer to his career 3.17 mark when he returns. In short, the disabled list is exactly what Sonny Gray needs right now.

On the other hand, the A’s front office has to be worried about their ace’s struggles this season for reasons entirely unrelated to the competitive state of the 2016 Athletics.

Gray is arbitration-eligible at the end of this season. Yes, he still won’t be a free agent until at least 2020 and should remain affordable throughout the arbitration process for the always money-conscious A’s. But no team is more value-oriented than Oakland.

In November of 2014, after his first All-Star appearance, Josh Donaldson was shipped out of Oakland in exchange for Brett Lawrie, Kendall Graveman, Sean Nolin, and shortstop prospect Franklin Barreto. Despite just entering the arbitration process, Billy Beane and Co. had no remorse in maximizing the value of their premier asset. A fine, if unspectacular infielder, a young, potentially above-average starter, a borderline MLB reliever, and a top prospect was all that it took for Toronto to pry away a future MVP.

With a track record of moving current stars in order to build a well-rounded team, Sonny Gray is undoubtably available for the right price and will be as long as he continues to wear those green-and-yellow socks (seriously, the Athletics easily have the best color scheme in the major leagues).

The Athletics have three years left to move their ace. So why does his current injury matter so much?

Easy. The Washington Nationals.

By signing impending free agent Stephen Strasburg to a $175M deal, the Nationals removed the unquestioned top pitcher, and possibly top overall player, from free agency this offseason. And they left nothing for pitching needy teams to fight over as a result.

Gray’s teammate, 36 year-old Rich Hill, is quite possibly the best starter among impending free agents. Hill is having a fine season. I’m not knocking the guy. But an aging veteran who wasn’t even in the majors for most of the previous season is not the kind of pitcher that transforms an entire staff.

If a team is looking for a top-tier starter to transform their 2017 outlook, they won’t be looking at the free agent crop. Instead, teams are going to be offering up head-scratching amounts to pry away any decent pitcher.

Enter the A’s.

Projecting the rest of the AL West over the next few seasons is difficult. The Angels have barely have a pitching staff as is, and have no help in their minor leagues. Pair that with multiple line-up holes and an already-bloated payroll (I’m looking at you, Pujols) and the Angels look like a team on the decline. But Mike Trout might drag them into relevance every year regardless of the team around him. All hail Trout.

The current AL West leaders, Seattle is a team on shaky foundations right now. Outside of Kyle Seager and Taijuan Walker, the majority of the notable Mariners players are looking at the wrong side of 30. King Felix is already in decline (I knew it would eventually end, but that doesn’t make this any easier). Robinson Cano and Nelson Cruz can’t keep slugging forever. Even the role players (Nori Aoki, Adam Lind, Leonys Martin) have their primes in the rear-view mirror. Throw in the dearth of talent in the Seattle’s upper-minors and it begins to feel like the relevancy of Mariners baseball isn’t here to last.

Looking two or three years down the line, the AL West should clearly be dominated by the Lone Star State. The Rangers, even relying on aging stars like Prince Fielder, Adrian Beltre (wait, he’s immortal, right?), and Cole Hamels, still have enough young talent to maintain relevancy for the foreseeable future. Rougned Odor, Nomar Mazara, and Joey Gallo are one of the most enviable young cores in all of baseball. With a new stadium on the way (you will be missed, Globe Life) and a solid farm system, Texas’s only weakness in the future could be a lack of top-tier pitching (Darvish excluded).

Now, if the Rangers’ young core is good, Houston must be on an entirely different level. Carlos Correa. George Springer. Jose Altuve. Lance McCullers. Tyler White. A.J. Reed. Alex Bregman. The Astros have a core that should keep them in contention for the next decade. The pitching staff may fall apart in a couple of years, but the projected 2018 line-up is eternal.

So where does this leave the Athletics? Let’s assume that, despite a Herculean effort, Mike Trout can’t make the Angels relevant by 2019. Also, project that the Old Men (Mariners) can’t deal with the Sea (younger, more talented baseball clubs) three years from now. The Astros will undoubtably be tough and the Rangers could be a dangerous, but still vulnerable, group in 2019. Despite two strong ball clubs, the Athletics could certainly make some savvy moves to work their way into AL West contention three years from now. But the necessary maneuvers need to begin this winter and they need to begin with Sonny Gray.

Nasty

The Athletics have a major league hitter at every position this season, but lack an above-average hitter anywhere. With young starters in Sean Manaea, Jesse Hahn, and Kendall Graveman, the A’s have enough pitching to develop a good major league rotation without Sonny Gray. In an offseason where pitching-needy teams will need to do some trading, Oakland could easily have the best guy available.

Unlike Josh Donaldson, the Athletics have real motivation to move Sonny Gray and could get a substantially larger haul in a deal for their ace. It’s not hard to see a situation where teams looking to make a significant upgrade like the Yankees or Blue Jays could offer young hitters with huge upside in a deal for Gray. Or up-and-coming teams that have a little money and expect to contend in the next two years, like the Phillies or Twins, could offer a decent package to go for Gray. Unless the Marlins inexplicably toss Jose Fernandez back into the trade ring this offseason, Gray would almost undoubtably be the top pitcher on the trade market. It wouldn’t be shocking for a team to bring a Godfather offer to the Athletics in an attempt to make an immediate upgrade, and the Athletics shouldn’t hesitate to think of the future when teams inevitably come calling about Sonny.

No, I couldn’t resist. It’s just a really great moment in a really great movie.

But for now, the Athletics need to make sure that Sonny Gray looks like Sonny Gray for the rest of the season. Barring more injury troubles, every one knows Gray’s value, and he’s worth A LOT. A healthy and sharp Sonny over the next four months, paired with the sorry state of free agent pitching market, could take his value into the stratosphere.

So here’s to Sonny Gray coming back healthy and dominating. Because baseball is so much better when stars like Sonny (hahaha) are at their peak.

(Also, the sock game…)