Checking In On the Gold Glove Races

Less than two months remain in the 2016 Major League Baseball season.

That’s not that many games left on the calendar.

While teams are either already turning to 2017 or prepping for a (hopefully) lengthy playoff run, writers are beginning to think about the most relevant late-season narratives. In that same vein, I’ve decided to delve into the season-long statistics of every lineup regular in both the American and National Leagues, focusing particularly on the defensive performance of every notable player. Why?

Gold, baby.

Yep, I’m already intrigued by the Gold Glove races across the MLB. You see, if one watches enough Kevin Kiermaier, Jackie Bradley Jr., and Kevin Pillar, one begins to salivate at the thought of spectacular defensive plays.

In baseball, defense is an incredibly underrated part of the game. While everyone focuses on offense and pitching, positional defense still plays an extremely important role in the successes and failures of MLB teams.

Want an example? The Royals, as a team, need 29 more defensive runs saved this season to equal their 2015 total. In their World Series season, the Royals led the American League in the statistic and subsequently found themselves winning an improbable amount of games. In 2016, they’ve taken a noticeable step back around the diamond, and subsequently there’s been a noted decline in Kansas City wins.

Again, a lot of factors impact winning and losing in baseball, but strong defensive teams are still at an obvious advantage. And this means that standout defenders bring a quietly huge impact to their teams (and vice-versa for bad defenders). So let’s take a look at which players have been most impactful with the glove and who might find themselves rewarded for their efforts in another few months.

Gold Glove Pitchers: Dallas Keuchel (AL) & Zack Greinke (NL)

Yeah, these aren’t very surprising.

Winners of back-to-back Gold Gloves over the last two seasons, Dallas Keuchel and Zack Greinke are the two pitchers most known for helping themselves out in the field. And 2016 has been no different thus far.

Keuchel is currently tied among qualified American League pitchers in DRS (defensive runs saved), with only Masahiro Tanaka judged as equally valuable at preventing runs in the field. However, Keuchel has yet to make a fielding error, while Tanaka does have a pesky miscue on his record this season. Keuchel has also only allowed two stolen bases while on the mound, compared to the six allowed by Tanaka. Keuchel has a lot of pressure for the Gold Glove this season, but he’s currently in the driver’s seat for his third straight award. He may have relatively poor pitching numbers in 2016, but you can’t blame the reigning AL Cy Young winner’s defense for the decline.

Dallas Keuchel should play soccer, BTW

Now Greinke earns another Gold Glove mostly on reputation alone. While he’s again posting stellar defensive numbers for his new team, he has committed one error, a blemish on his otherwise stellar record. Allowing just three stolen bases and owning five DRS, Greinke’s numbers are still quite good, but other contenders for the award (Michael Wacha and Bartolo Colon) have equally impressed on defense this season.

Colon leads all pitchers in baseball in DRS with six this year, but has also allowed four stolen bases with one error. Meanwhile, Wacha has given up six stolen bases and committed one error, but also owns five DRS and has the highest fielding percentage of the three. There’s an argument to be made for all three pitchers in the NL Gold Glove race, but Greinke is as good as any and earns the award primarily on track record at this point.

Gold Glove Catchers: Salvador Perez (AL) & Buster Posey (NL)

Salvador Perez is running away with the Gold Glove and everyone else is just a speck in the rear view mirror.

Seriously, Salvy has been the best defensive catcher in baseball this season, hands down. He has just three errors and is just a solitary percentage point off the AL fielding percentage lead among catchers. However, the more advanced statistics tell the real story of Perez’s dominance.

Perez has 10 DRS, tops among AL catchers by 4 whole runs! His defensive rating is also nearly 4 points higher than the nearest contender. Oh yeah, and he’s thrown out 31 baserunners this season, while allowing only 27 stolen bases (honestly, why are teams still running on Salvy?). Yeah, Perez is gonna win his fourth straight Gold Glove. Honestly, he’s getting very close to peak-Yadier Molina territory and that’s insane.

Oh yeah, and Buster Posey should finally get his first Gold Glove this season. It’s ridiculous he wasn’t the NL winner of the award last year, especially considering he took home the Fielding Bible award for best defensive catcher in all of baseball. Yet somehow, he lost the Gold Glove to Molina again and is still without the one piece of hardware left for the all-world backstop. 

How many catchers have done that, huh?

I won’t knock Yadier Molina, even though the advanced statistics might justify declaring him a below-average defender at this stage of his career (again, not what I’m saying). Instead, I wish simply to acknowledge that Posey is not only the best offensive catcher, but also the best defender behind the plate (at least in the NL). He’s allowed the fewest stolen bases among catchers with at least 500 innings this season. He also has just two errors, only bested by Molina’s measly one defensive miscue.

Posey is second in DRS among NL catchers (behind Derek Norris) and second in defensive rating (behind J.T. Realmuto). While Posey is not the best according to any one metric, he’s the only NL catcher consistently grading out as a top three defender by any advanced (or standard) statistic. It’s time to give Posey the golden glove to go with his many silver bats.

Gold Glove First Basemen: Miguel Cabrera (AL) & Wil Myers (NL)

*Hides from outraged, pitchfork-wielding Royals fans*

I really wish I could explain how Eric Hosmer has fallen off so sharply on the defensive end. His errors are up, his DRS total is among the lowest among AL first basemen, and his UZR (ultimate zone rating) is also well behind league average. As a result of Hosmer’s unbelievable decline, the American League Gold Glove race at first base is remarkably muddled.

Chris Davis of the Orioles has a strong case from an advanced metrics perspective, but he’s amassed a bunch of errors that reflect poorly on his performance. The Rangers’ Mitch Moreland has been consistently great on defense by almost any measure, but he also hasn’t played the innings befitting of a “regular” first baseman. Joe Mauer is solid defensively for the Twins, but doesn’t stand out either.

Therefore, Miguel Cabrera is in the driver’s seat for his first Gold Glove by default. UZR grades Miggy as elite, while DRS says he’s above average as well. He does have 4 errors in 2016, dragging down his fielding percentage, but that isn’t a damning total. Honestly, he’s practically equaled defensively by multiple first baseman and I’m really giving him the award because he’s the best offensive player among the contenders and I felt like being that horrible person that takes offense into account when deciding Gold Glove winners.

On the flip side, Wil Myers is an absolute stud defensively now that he’s taken over first base duties in San Diego full-time. Myers has just one error all year and owns a very respectable 5 DRS. More importantly, he’s blowing away every other NL first baseman in UZR (5.4 points higher than the next closest contender). Myers also owns the only positive defensive rating among regular NL first basemen. The defensive performance of Wil Myers is incredible (especially considering this is his first season as a full-time first baseman) and his first Gold Glove is well within reach.

Gold Glove Second Basemen: Dustin Pedroia (AL) & Neil Walker (NL)

The second base Gold Glove race, in both leagues, is a textbook example of differing baseball ideologies. By traditional statistics, neither Pedroia nor Walker would be considered favorites for the award. Instead, Robinson Cano would be cemented as the AL favorite and Ben Zobrist would be running away with the NL hardware.

However, I always put more weight behind nuanced statistics and as a result look at the second base Gold Glove races in a much different light than the more old-fashioned in the industry. The well-regarded and notable advanced stats both shine a negative light on Zobrist and Cano. Or rather, they highlight the decidedly average nature of their true defensive talents, with neither grading as particularly bad or good.

Meanwhile, advanced statistics indicate that Neil Walker is running away with the NL Gold Glove, owning a sizable advantage in UZR and defensive rating compared to his peers. Trust me, ask any Mets fan and they’ll be terribly unimpressed with Walker’s defense, but he’s sneakily been very good.

While Neil Walker’s newfound defensive excellent comes as a bit of a shock, the American League advanced statistics leader is a four-time Gold Glove winner and regarded as one of the best overall defenders in all of baseball (in fact, I highlighted his defensive excellence earlier this summer here). Yep, Dustin Pedroia is still far-and-away the best defensive second baseman in the American League, and he’s actually been healthy enough to reclaim his hardware this season. Glad to have you back, extraordinary defensive wizard Pedroia!

Pedey got hops, too!

Gold Glove Shortstops: Francisco Lindor (AL) & Brandon Crawford (NL)

Remember when Andrelton Simmons’ move to the American League was going to ruin a bunch of shortstops’ chances at the Gold Glove for the next few years? Yeah, that hasn’t happened yet.

While Simmons is having a fine defensive season, he’s missed a chunk of time and struggled to really find his groove. As a result, the AL Gold Glove race at shortstop has opened up and the Indians’ new superstar has ran with the opportunity. Lindor is third in fielding percentage among qualified AL shortstops, has the fourth fewest errors in the group, and grades at the top of every advanced statistic. Jose Iglesias has been almost as stellar for Detroit, but he’s a notch behind Lindor in DRS and UZR and clearly owns the lower profile of the two (probably because Iglesias is a pretty average hitter). So Lindor is ahead of the pack right now, but he better remain flawless because Andrelton Simmons is hot on his tail.

In the National League it’s cut-and-dry. Brandon Crawford is the best defensive shortstop in the game.

Okay, he does have an abnormally high number of errors (10) this year, but the advanced statistics adore his glove work and the eye test doesn’t hurt, either. Brandon Crawford is a defensive savant and with Simmons in the American League, it’s going to be awfully difficult to pry the Gold Glove away from Crawford’s cold, soft, wicked dextrous hands.

Gold Glove Third Basemen: Manny Machado (AL) & Nolan Arenado (NL)

This one is pretty obvious in both leagues. I’ll keep it short, in that case.

Among American League third basemen, Manny Machado trails only Adrian Beltre in defensive runs saved at the hot corner. The caveat? Machado has spent a bunch of time at shortstop filling in for the injured J.J. Hardy this season. Therefore, looking at Machado’s total DRS he pulls even with Beltre. His UZR is also far and away the best in the American League among third basemen. Oh yeah, and he’s made just one error playing third base this season. He’s so good it should be against the rules.

In the case of Arenado it becomes a little more muddled, as the advanced statistics actually favor the Dodgers’ Justin Turner this season (I’m legitimately shocked). While I always put faith into advanced statistics and analytics, even I can’t really make the case for anyone but Arenado. He’s leading NL third basemen in fielding percentage and DRS this season. So what if his UZR and defensive rating are merely “good” instead of “OMG HE’S A GOD”? Watch Nolan Arenado play and it becomes awfully hard to argue against his status as an elite defender at the hot corner. Once he reigns in the errors (which aren’t really that bad anyway) he’ll easily be a slam dunk for the Gold Glove.

Seriously, is Nolan Arenado human?

Gold Glove Left Fielders: Colby Rasmus (AL) & Adam Duvall (NL)

Jeez, another obvious one. Do I even need to say anything here?

What’s that?

I do need to elaborate?

Alright…

I’ll start with a very bold declaration: Left field is one of the shallowest positions in baseball. There’s very few true superstars manning left field nowadays, and as a result the window has opened for less-heralded players to make a play for a Gold Glove.

(Also, yes I clearly hate the Royals. I know Alex Gordon is a great defender. Nobody is trying to deny that fact. But he’s missed time and he’s showing ever-so-slight signs of defensive decline. I’m just going to come out and say it: he’s overrated.)

Colby Rasmus is a terrific defender who takes a lot of heat because he’s not nearly the offensive talent everyone hoped he would become. Rasmus is a fairly average player from an eye-test standpoint. However, he’s yet to make an error in left field this season and has racked up an impressive 11 DRS while easily pacing AL left fielders in UZR and defensive rating.

And what makes his DRS and UZR totals more impressive? He’s done it in just 588.1 innings. To put that in context, Justin Upton has played 300 more innings in left field than Colby Rasmus yet Upton has exactly 0 DRS. Sure, his immaculate fielding percentage has probably been helped by playing fewer innings, but the advanced statistics indicate that he’s been nothing short of spectacular in left field. Gordon still has time to catch up, but right now Rasmus should be a no-brainer for the AL Gold Glove.

Ah yes, Adam Duvall.

Pictured above, in case you have no idea who Adam Duvall is.

I’ll be the first to admit this selection is surprising. Before delving into the statistics, I would’ve assumed athletic, speedy left fielders like Starling Marte or Christian Yelich would be leading the National League pack. And while both have been pretty good defensively, neither comes close to the impact of Adam Duvall in left field upon further inspection.

Duvall’s kept the errors in check (just four), while racking up DRS (13) and UZR (7.1), both of which easily lead the National League. Sure, you could look at Matt Holliday’s immaculate fielding percentage and make a case for the 36 year-old Cardinal. But come on, even St. Louis fans aren’t campaigning for a guy based off one statistic that doesn’t mean all that much. No, aggregating the entirety of available data indicates that Duvall owns strongest case for the NL Gold Glove, at least for the time being.

(P.S. I don’t believe either of these players stand a real chance of winning simply because they’re not remotely marquee talents and that will stupidly impact some voters)

Gold Glove Center Fielders: Kevin Pillar (AL) & Billy Hamilton (NL)

One of these races is going to be exhilarating down the stretch and filled with highlights from numerous stand-out defenders.

The other is the National League race.

It’s not so much that Billy Hamilton is running away with the award (though, if anyone could literally steal the award and run fast enough to avoid security, Billy Hamilton’s the obvious choice), it’s more that I don’t envision the closest contenders making any notable strides to close the gap. Billy Hamilton’s speed alone makes him a terrific defender and the two center fielders with the best statistical cases to compete for the award are the Braves’ Ender Inciarte and the Brewers’ Kirk Niewenhuis. Neither are even guaranteed regular playing time down the stretch. Ergo, Billy Hamilton wins because he should keep up his stellar play in a secured role and continue to expand his modest lead in DRS and UZR.

Now, the American League is one hell of a race.

Let’s list some of the regular center fielders in the AL: Mike Trout, Jackie Bradley Jr., Kevin Kiermaier, Lorenzo Cain, Byron Buxton (yes, he’s back in Triple A), Jacoby Ellsbury, and, last but not remotely close to least, Kevin Pillar.

That’s a lot of talent roaming center field in the Junior Circuit. Honestly, any one of those players could win the Gold Glove and I wouldn’t make much of a fuss. Still, I’m taking Pillar right now because of his extreme UZR discrepancy. He’s at or near the top of every important defensive statistic right now (fielding percentage, DRS, etc.), but his UZR lead is unbelievable. Lorenzo Cain is 2nd in the AL in UZR with a really good 9.6 rating. Kevin Pillar is sitting at 21.1. If I wanted too, I could easily make the case for Pillar as the best defender not just in center field, but in the entirety of the American League.

Spontaneous executive decision: I’m watching Kevin Pillar defensive highlights after I finish this.

Allow me to start the Pillar love-fest right now

Gold Glove Right Fielders: Adam Eaton (AL) & Jason Heyward (NL)

Right field is not a close race at the moment in either league.

Adam Eaton is the right field version of 2016 Kevin Pillar. He’s at the top of every defensive statistic and his UZR is off the charts (like, higher than Pillar off-the-charts). I mean, Eaton is having a down year offensively and he’s still owner of the eighth best WAR in the entire American League. His defense has been absolutely incredible and deserves to be recognized, even if we’re minimizing the stellar defensive efforts of Mookie Betts and George Springer in the process. Because Adam Eaton is that much better than the competition. If only we could say the same about the White Sox…

Oh yeah, speaking of right fielders that are having really disappointing offensive seasons…

Jason Heyward is not worth the contract he was awarded this offseason. He is overpaid and it’s not really debatable. However, if offensive statistics were ignored completely and defense became the only thing that mattered in baseball, Jason Heyward would be the National League MVP in a landslide.

Unfortunately for J-Hey that’s not the case.

Nevertheless, Jason Heyward is practically lapping the field this year for the Gold Glove. His DRS and defensive rating are both nearly double the next closest contender. And if you’re fatigued from dealing with advanced statistics, look at the old fashioned numbers. Jason Heyward hasn’t made an error for the Cubs this season.

If I were to build the perfect right fielder, it would look an awful lot like Heyward (though, I’d probably want Mookie Betts or Bryce Harper’s bat). He should win his fourth Gold Glove with ease.

So that’s where the Gold Glove races are as we head into the home stretch. Now I’m off to watch those Kevin Pillar highlights I mentioned earlier.

(All statistics referenced courtesy of fangraphs.com)

 

The ‘Stranger Things’ Soundtrack Won My Heart

Summer is a time so very often devoid of premier television programming. The major networks always wait until September or October to debut or return their keystone programming, setting up a battle royale for the nation’s attention. As a result, every new release stemming from June through August often goes unnoticed, with only true standouts able to garner the attention of the masses.

In past years, the summer has produced roughly one or two hit programs annually. Last year, USA Network’s Mr. Robot was the premier summer hit. USA also launched Suits, six years ago, to much acclaim, though relatively modest ratings. Netflix has also found significant summer success as a result of their spaced-out, movie studio-like release schedule. In recent years, Netflix’s summer has spawned the hit drama, Orange Is the New Black, and the animated cult-hit, BoJack Horseman (not to mention multiple decent programs). However, if you’re in search of a good CBS, NBC, or Fox program once the mainstays take their summer leave, you’ll be out of luck.

No, summer belongs to the less heralded programs, the ones introduced without much fanfare and renewed sporadically. Summer belongs to Stranger Things.

Yes, Netflix’s 80s-inspired, horror-drama hit has absolutely dominated the television conversation over the last few weeks. Boasting standout performances from a relatively unknown cast (not to mention the resurgence of Winona Ryder’s popularity), Stranger Things harkens back to the directors of old, the Spielbergs, Reiners, and Hugheses, to create an astounding and enthralling work of art. While the story is the key to Stranger Things‘s massive success, and it does work quite well, the show is undeniably nostalgia-driven.

Now, it’s foolish to breakdown every reference the Duffer Brothers attempted to sneak into their masterpiece. For one, there’s undoubtably several that will go unnoticed to all but the obsessive. More importantly, there’s already been numerous compilations highlighting Stranger Things‘s odes to Eighties cinema.

Rather, I would like to discuss the eclectic soundtrack of Netflix’s new hit program.

There’s numerous hit songs of the seventies and eighties used to score pivotal scenes from the onset. In the first episode, Jefferson Airplane’s “White Rabbit” and Toto’s “Africa” are busted out, both playing the part of well-selected hits that establish the tone of the show. Of course, The Clash’s “Should I Stay or Should I Go” is the highlight of the soundtrack, used on numerous occasions to establish a key plot-point in the early episodes and set up a fine call-back in the season finale. Looking throughout the entirety of the first season, the Duffer Brothers also include tracks like Modern English’s “I Melt With You” and Mykola Dmytrovych Leontovych’s “Carol of the Bells” to give the soundtrack a more expansive soundscape, while maintaining the delicate balance between campy and suspenseful. It’s a truly well-done soundtrack that could be poured over for several thousand words.

I’d like to focus on one particular track, though.

Trooper’s “Raise a Little Hell.”

If you’re not immediately recalling the scene that uses this track, go back and re-watch the second episode when Nancy and Barb arrive at Steve’s house for a tasteful get-together (roughly 30 minutes in). Don’t worry, I’ll wait.

…

Now that I’m sure you know what scene I’m referring to, and more importantly, the song itself, it’s time to offer my opinion on this particular soundtracking decision.

It was a really good one.

Alright, while I think it’s obvious that this was a really good choice, I guess I could explain my reasoning a bit. Allow me to break my defense of this choice into three equally important parts:

1. Popularity, or the lack thereof.

“Raise a Little Hell” is a perfect choice for this scene because of what it is not.

It is not a still-popular song that has found consistent airplay on classic rock radio, à la “Don’t Stop Believin'”. Hell, “Raise a Little Hell” wasn’t a terribly well-liked track when it was released in 1978, peaking at just 59th on the U.S. Hot 100. Also, it’s not from a band with any notoriety. Trooper is a Canadian rock group that only scored one Top 100 hit in the U.S. over the entirety of their existence. While they were fairly well-known in their home country, ultimately they proved too similar to the multitude of shined-up, pop-sensible rock bands of the 1970s to make a tangible global impression.

The low profile of the choice is remarkable. In an age where soundtracks typically go for obvious, lucrative partnerships with big label, big name artists, the Duffer Brothers found an instance where they could effectively choose an all-but-forgotten band and song, and pounced on the opportunity. I mean, Stranger Things included a song in their soundtrack with fewer than 250,000 plays on Spotify and a band with fewer than 50,000 monthly listeners. They went as far off the pop culture map as possible (without just creating a new song) for a five second soundbite. They put in work to arrive at this soundtrack choice and I respect the hell out of them for their effort.

2. The Fit

Here’s a quick ranking of the top five things where “fit” is most important:

1. Tailored suits
2. Adopting a pet (or human child, I suppose)
3. Soundtrack/scene pairing
4. High school cliques
5. Gloves (obviously)

As you can see, the fit between a soundtrack and scene is super important. Put the wrong music behind a poignant moment in a film and it can ruin the momentum of the action. Think about any movie (or commercial) that used Sarah McLachlan’s “Angel” over an emotional moment. I bet it ruined everything. It’s an okay song, don’t get me wrong, but it’s too overbearing to pair with any important scene. ASPCA commercials are about the only film pairing with which “Angel” belongs.

On the other hand, the perfect pairing allows for a director to mold the tone of important scenes in a way that can make a scene unforgettable. Badfinger’s “Baby Blue” made the series finale of Breaking Bad iconic. I can’t hear the Rolling Stones’ “Gimme Shelter” without thinking of Martin Scorsese films, particularly the opening scene to The Departed. And now, in the same way, I will forever be unable to listen to “Raise a Little Hell” without thinking about Steve Harrington’s voluptuous coif opening the door to, quite possibly, the most unexciting party in the history of modern film.

Seriously, I can’t think of a better selection for our beloved Steve’s theme song. A+.

3. “Raise a Little Hell” is Freakin’ Dope

Honestly, this song has long been one of my under-the-radar favorites and I’m so glad it’s finally been introduced to the masses. The harmonizing of the chorus is Journey-level catchy. They’ve got a keyboardist named Gogo. Plus, they’re Canadian and Canadians deserve more respect from the masses.

We’ve got a song encouraging mild anarchy being performed by a relatively unknown Canadian rock group. Take that, Canadian stereotypes painting our neighbors to the North as pacifistic and polite!

Deal with it

In conclusion, I’d like to personally thank the Duffer Brothers and everyone involved with Stranger Things for including a fun, relatively unknown classic in their first season. Hopefully they’ll work in Kim Mitchell’s “Go for Soda” in season two!

Corey Feldman Has Found His Calling

Alright, picture this.

It’s early June, 1985. You’re thirteen years old, sitting around in your Indiana Jones t-shirt, watching The Empire Strikes Back for the 90th time, and listening to Tears for Fears’ “Everybody Wants to Rule the World” on loop. Maybe, you’re even snacking on a bowl of Cookie Crisp because it’s pure, unadulterated sugar and you deserve it after putting up with an entire year of sixth grade history projects and book reports. In this particular moment, your thirteen year-old self is at total peace with the world.

And then mom gets back from the grocery store and the moment is gone forever.

Within seconds, you’re being scolded for watching tv and playing video games all day when your room’s a mess and the yard is in desperate need of a trim. So you spend your entire afternoon, time that should be wasted in relaxation because you’re only thirteen after all, doing chores for a measly allowance that everyone knows is probably unlawful in the eyes of numerous child labor statutes. And right around the time your contemplating the formation of an adolescent union to demand fair compensation for one’s household duties, your older brother gets home from his shift at Sears (he’s just a stock boy, but he’s hoping to get bumped to register duty in a few weeks).

So you drop the hedge clippers (what’s the point of hedges anyway?) and run to catch your brother before he gets inside.

“Hey, did you get it?” you ask, eyeing the paper bag in his hand anxiously.

“Where’s the money?” he responds, pulling the bag away from your grimy, outstretched fingers.

Without hesitation, you reach into your pocket and pull out a crumpled five dollar bill.

“Take it,” he says, grabbing the money and tossing the bag in your general direction.

Ravenously, you tear open the bag while walking inside, revealing the new issue of “X-Men,” still in its protective plastic cover.

So you spend the next hour, hedge clippers unmoved from the lawn, pouring over the latest escapades of Professor X and his gifted pupils until your mother finally calls for dinner.

At the table, eating the most wholesome meal imaginable and definitely not a TV dinner, your brother lays out his plans for the evening. Nothing all that notable, he informs your parents of his intentions to see a movie with his friends on this fine evening. By this point, you’ve pretty much tuned out of the conversation, but are brought back to attention when your father remarks, “Why don’t you take [your name] with you?”

Immediately thoughts of Atari vanish from your brain, as you recognize you’re actually involved in this boring conversation now. Despite ardent protests from your brother, within the hour you’re sitting in the passenger seat of his Pinto on the way to the local Cineplex.

Upon arrival, you’re promptly abandoned by your brother and forced to attend a screening alone (tragic). Scanning the board to see what’s playing, you eventually settle on a title and proceed to appropriate theater, grabbing a box of Milk Duds along the way (they were out of Peanut M&M’s).

Roughly two hours later, you stumble out of the theater, armed to the teeth with fresh references like “Hey, you gu-uys,” “I’m setting booty traps,” and “Do the Truffle Shuffle!” You may not realize it at the time, but you’ve just watched the quintessential film of the decade.

And deep in your heart, you know that Mouth (AKA Corey Feldman), whom you vaguely recall from that Gremlins movie you watched a few months back, is a future star who’s going to produce stand out films for decades to come.

Flash forward to the present day.

Almost two months ago, that seminal classic, The Goonies, celebrated its 31st anniversary.

Looking back on the cast, it’s not tough to find a few actors still making their presence felt in Hollywood. Josh Brolin (Brand) starred in the Coen Brothers’ Hail Caesar a few short months ago. Sean Astin (Mikey) is the voice of Raphael on the current Lego Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles animated program. Martha Plimpton (Stef) is bouncing from sitcom to sitcom, currently starring on ABC’s The Real O’Neals. And, of course, Joe Pantoliano (Francis Fratelli) is still hanging around the fringes of the Hollywood mainstream, with over a hundred film credits to his name.

And where is the fast-talking, scene-stealing Corey Feldman now?

Well, in the last year he’s voiced a recurring character alongside Sean Astin in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and recently released a ridiculously insignificant horror flick, Intrusion: Disconnected. But more importantly, June 22, 2016 marked the release of one of the year’s defining musical masterpieces: Corey Feldman’s third full length album, Angelic 2 the Core: Angelic Funkadelic / Angelic Rockadelic.

Now, if you’re like most, you probably didn’t even realize that Feldman had released a new album a little over a week ago. I mean, the mainstream, musical elite like Rolling Stone and Pitchfork don’t want to advertise for independently released artists residing outside the music industry establishment. Thankfully, this champion of the people and musical connisuere has discovered the sound of 2016.

Sure, there’s been a plethora of great music through the first seven months of the year, but nothing quite encapsulates the modern psyche quite like Angelic 2 the Core: Angelic Funkadelic / Angelic Rockadelic (Man, what a great title).

It’s bold. It’s brash. It challenges the establishment. It’s also messy. It lacks a message. It’s erratic and senseless. It’s terrifying. It’s a plane crashing into a train that’s crashing into a bus that’s filled to the brim with rabies-stricken mongooses. It’s the musical equivalent of equine feces. It is 2016.

Want a taste of Feldman’s brilliance? Look no further than the lead single, “Ascension Millennium.” (Also, do yourself a favor and read the video description that was clearly written by Feldman himself). It’s chock full of lyrical brilliance, such as “Giving peace and giving love, like the feathers of a dove” or “Our souls are held captive no more, like opening a magic door.” Feldman’s poetic wordsmanship is akin to Lennon-McCartney in 1967. Adele’s got nothing on the former Stand by Me star.

Move past the lyrics, though. Listen to the Snoop Dogg collaboration, “Go 4 It!” With a piano note intro reminiscent of Wiz Khalifa’s “See You Again,” followed by a drop worthy of an unreleased Skrillex demo, the track is a banger through and through. Not a fan of 2012 hip-hop remixes? Try “Seamless,” a track featuring Limp Bizkit’s Fred Durst and a horn-and-guitar riff that would feel right at home on a Bruno Mars album. If one thing is absolutely certain regarding Corey Feldman’s musical career, it’s that he’s not afraid of failure.

He’s also clearly averse to success, if his new album is any indication.

At least he’s got top notch album artwork…

Alas, the tale of Corey Feldman is just another in an incredibly long line of failed child actors. Drugs, death, a continuous battle with sobriety, and ultimately, a destroyed career.

But at least he’s still putting himself out there. Even if his latest project is ghastly enough to make one’s self physically ill with just a solitary listen, he still gets points for trying. However, please DO NOT BOTHER with this album unless you absolutely hate yourself.

This has been Stars of the Eighties: Where Are They Now? As always, if you don’t already know what happened to a long forgotten entertainer, assume they’re toiling away on something unworthy of anyone’s money or time.

The Lord of the Rings: NBA Edition

Ages ago, in a land foreign to all but the most elite, there was a time of prosperity. Across the farthest reaches of civilization, every man could work their way to success with perseverance and cooperation. But alas, all good things must end and evil forces did arise to destroy the land, led by an almighty King.

In the time after the fall of Lord Jordan’s Kingdom in the City of Wind and the end of the Kobe & Shaquille alliance in Lakertopia, the realm became a raging battle between multiple armies, all vying for the throne. While Lord Wade recruited the former King O’Neal, their rule was brief. The long simmering Army of the Spurs lashed out and seized control before retreating back to their desert kingdom. The suffering Lords Garnett, Pierce, and Allen then aligned to charge at the crown, before King Mamba, reinvigorated from his days as Kobe, resurrected Lakertopia from the ashes of desolation. However, through this constant shift in power in the land, a dark alliance had formed between Lord Wade and the most powerful force the kingdom had ever witnessed.

In the year of reckoning, 2012, the alliance led by the wicked King James came to power and the rest of the kingdom shuttered in fear, for the dark lord had arrived to dominate with a hand of sheer destruction. His kingdom, while not impervious to siege, had clearly brought James into a rarefied class of ruler.

And then, to combat the all-powerful James as he laid waste to the land, Prince Curry, in the long-forgotten Golden State, banded together with Lords Thompson and Green to concoct an army that could dethrone the omnipotent King James. Yet, when they attacked and swept across the land with a fury unbeknownst to the kingdom since the long-past Days of Jordan, they found that even their impressive Strength in Numbers was no match for the sheer presence of James and his faithful Cavaliers of Domination. Humbled and weakened by their defeat, the Warriors of Golden State found themselves at a loss and seemed ready to cede control of the land to King James for eternity.

That is, until the Warriors were approached by a powerful knight from the desolate wasteland of Oklahoma, who pledged to join their still-powerful army in another attempt to thwart the rule of James. However, in adding Sir Durant to Golden State’s forces, an unforeseen shift in the opinion of the commoners in the land did occur. Fearing a new dictatorship from the Warriors in the West, the commoners looked at Golden State, not as saviors, but as a new enemy equal to that of their mighty King.

And so it was that the peoples from across the land, regardless of long-standing tensions, began to organize in secret and develop a plot to destroy the powerful armies in the East and West.

But what men could stand up to such a task?

A Fellowship was proposed, uniting the people of the land in their quest for liberation. To prepare the travelers for their daunting journey, the council of the wise elected Carlisle the Graying leader of the Fellowship. The great wizard then set forth to scour the kingdom in search of the noblest and bravest to conquer the powers of evil.

Traveling to the cold North, Carlisle sought out Karl-Anthony Towns, King of the Wolves of Timber, to front the party. The young king, with a growing army of forces, gracefully accepted the Wizard’s request and began a recruitment stage of his own.

Meanwhile, Carlisle continued on his quest, traveling to the fallen Lakertopia. Arriving in the once-great City of Angels, Carlisle sought out the young warrior, D’Angelo Russell, an over-confident gunner with “ice in his veins.” While not an ideal choice for such an important task, Carlisle felt assured that the thirst to bring his people back to their former glory would motivate and focus the arrogant Russell.

Traveling on, the Wizard crossed many a land before arriving at the foot of another fallen empire, the Celtics of Bostonia. Meeting with the Celt High Council, Carlisle found a hard-nosed, gritty warrior with a nasty Napoleon Complex, Jae Crowder, a man not only with terrific work ethic, but with motivation to bring an end to the glory of Sir Durant of Golden State. While not overly fond of the youngster Russell, due to a long-standing hatred between the two peoples, Crowder put aside past differences to focus on the present threats throughout the realm.

Last, Carlisle traveled to the New City of York to seek the formerly great warrior, Sir Derrick Rose. Cast out of his rightful kingdom after many starved, disappointing years, Rose fled to York to train and band together with other past legends of battle, such as King Melo and Joakim of Arc. However, intrigued by the Wizard’s proposition, Rose agreed to meet the rest of the Company in a hope of finding an even better “super-army” to fight alongside.

Setting the final meeting for preparation in the October of Reckoning, Carlisle assembled his warriors in the mountains of Colorado under the lights of the oft-deserted Pepsi Palace. Armed with Russell, Crowder, and Rose, the Company awaited their soft-spoken leader, Towns.

Arriving at dusk, King Towns approached the Company with four small men from the Southwest. With much suspense, Towns unveiled his slight-of-stature soldiers as Men of the Sun, hailing from the arid land of Phoenix. One by one, the Suns introduced themselves: cousins Tyler Ulis, Devin Booker, and Eric Bledsoe of the Wildcat bloodline and close friend, Brandon Knight (ironically, not an actual knight). The men, none taller than even the smallest of the others in the Fellowship, were clearly young and unprepared for the harrows of battle, but King Towns insisted that what they lacked in size, they would more than compensate for with heart.

Setting out on their long journey across the land, the Fellowship traveled far and wide, dispelling attacks from the local tribes in order to reach the land of the King. Arriving in the long-forgotten city of Louis the Saint, the party was forced to disperse, much to their dismay, with Sir Rose succumbing to injury and sadly fading into oblivion, though leaving words of encouragement for young Bledsoe.

The Fellowship disbanded, Bledsoe and his faithful friend Booker proceeded towards the dark Kingdom of Cleveland with Westbrook, the saboteur, in close pursuit. Meanwhile, Ulis and Knight, abandoned from the others, were forced to travel lonesome southward, armed with little in means of defense. All the while, Towns led Russell and Crowder north to his kingdom to unite the Wolves of Timber and prepare for the oncoming army of Golden State.

Gathering and galvanizing the armies of Minnesota, King Towns and his followers marched south along the River of Mississippi, preparing for battle with the massive Warrior army, or Dub Nation, as it had come to be known.

Outnumbered and untested in battle, Towns’ army began to fear defeat as Lord Curry, Sir Durant, and the rest of Golden State’s forces rapidly approached. Little did Towns know that his tiny warriors, Ulis and Knight, had found refuge in the South, marching forward with the ancient, mighty army of the Spurs. Flanking the cannons and sharp-shooting archers of the Warriors army, Ulis, Knight, and the Spurs arrived just as King Towns’ defenses were about to collapse. Working in unison, a reinvigorated Towns and the Spurs soft-spoken ruler, Kawhi, were able to narrowly defeat the Warriors army, releasing the West from terror. With one army of darkness dispelled, the Spurs forces calmly retreated to their homeland of San Antonio, while Towns led the remains of his forces to the gates of The Land.

With the small Wolves army gathered at the Gates of the King, the almighty James directed his powerful forces, led by Dark Riders, Kyrie and Love, to conquer the debilitated and outnumbered forces of King Towns.

Yet in focusing on attack from the West, King James made a fatal mistake, ignoring events transpiring from the East. For Bledsoe and Booker, united by friendship and driven by duty, had traversed around the edges of Cleveland and approached from the vulnerable Eastern entrance. Storming into the Larry O’Brien Tower, where the Rings of James resided, a hobbled Bledsoe approached with an endgame at last in sight.

Alas, the saboteur emerged and overpowered the weakened Bledsoe, seizing the Rings for his own. Facing the possibility of a more terrifying ruler coming to power, slender Booker mustered his courage, drew his weapon, and unleashed a vicious attack on the beastly Westbrook. Seizing the Rings and vanquishing the tenacious and betrayed Westbrook once and for all, the source of King James’s power was stolen and his terrifying reign came to an end, though resounding finality could not be accomplished, as the primal power of James can never truly disappear.

Exhausted, the brave Suns returned to King Towns, whose forces were able to overpower King James’ following Bledsoe and Booker’s heroics. Faced with an opportunity to establish his own empire, the noble King Towns opted to divide the Rings amongst the land and promote prosperity throughout the realm before returning to his Northern kingdom.

And last, but certainly not least, the valorous and diminutive Suns returned to their quiet Phoenix while peace, parity, and tranquility reigned supreme.

The End.

The Beatles Perfectly Encapsulate Current American Politics in Three Minutes

The United States is currently broiling in record heat across most of the Midwest. Sitting in a “heat dome,” basically every state touching the Mississippi River is experiencing the hottest temperatures of the year (and high humidity to boot) as rain has become a foreign concept temporarily. I stepped outside this afternoon and immediately felt like bearded Ron Burgundy in Anchorman.

While relief may not seem to be on the horizon for those affected by the sweltering, wretched curse of the Sun, I’m told that I will indeed stop sweating at some point in the near future.

I’m not sure I believe that.

You see, it’s easy to panic. The human race is conditioned to worry, and for very good reason. I mean, when you’re ancestors were avoiding impending death in the form of wild beasts, constantly evolving disease, and one another, that paranoia tends to be passed down. The United States is no different from the rest of the world. From British totalitarianism through total economic collapse, from Pearl Harbor to McCarthyism, the U.S. has basically operated like Mad-Eye Moody, and to great prosperity and success. Yet, the unfortunate consequence of this paranoid mindset is a developed tendency to envision disaster in every current event, making news broadcasts seem like apocalypse predictions to a significant portion of the population.

Is it possible “Ghostbusters II” predicted the end of the world??

So why am I still sweating if I’m aware the vast majority of the perilous stories peddled by the media will amount to a minimal effect on my personal well-being? Because I’m legitimately frightened the 2016 Presidential Race could have a significant, negative impact on major aspects of my life.

Boasting Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton as the frontrunners in a laughably terrifying race for the White House, and paired with an extremely disgruntled and polarized general population, the United States is at a pivotal political crossroads, arguably on par with that of the late Sixties. If I’m not mistaken, the response in 1968 was to hand over a divided nation to Richard Nixon and hope for the best. We don’t really have a stellar track record of making reasoned decisions under pressure over the last sixty years.

I know what you’re thinking by now: what does this have to do with the Beatles? Let me explain.

Since earlier this week, when I heard the first song from Tom Morello’s new outfit, “Prophets of Rage” by Prophets of Rage (look at that shameless Bad Company ripoff), I’ve been contemplating the best protest songs over the years. Of course I considered the great Bob Dylan tracks of the Sixties, “Blowin’ in the Wind,” “The Times They Are a-Changin’,” etc., but I also thought about Creedence Clearwater Revival’s “Fortunate Son,” Buffalo Springfield’s “For What It’s Worth,” CSN&Y’s “Ohio,” Public Enemy’s “Fight the Power,” Rage Against the Machine’s entire discography, and Edwin Starr’s “WAR,” (among others), before sifting through my Beatles catalog.

Every protest song, especially those of the late Sixties, remain painfully relevant in their subject matter and tone. However, the perfect protest song to represent the events occurring in today’s United States is a track released in 1968 off The White Album by the Beatles: “Revolution.”

Allow me to show my work with a line-by-line breakdown of the Beatles’ hit single:

“You say you want a revolution. Well, you know, we all want to change the world.”

Lyrically referencing both political parties, 2016 has witnessed the rise of revolutions on both sides of the aisle by voters. While the attempted coup on the Democrat establishment was long and hard-fought, the newest generation of voters was ultimately unable to fully overthrow the current leadership and Bernie Sanders was forced to concede defeat (though the Left must now be painfully aware of the political feelings of the educated millennial generation). Meanwhile, the GOP ceded defeat yesterday against the middle-class, fear-and-xenophobia-induced revolution from the new Right by announcing Donald Trump as the Republican nominee for the presidency. While many Americans are divided on social and economic issues, nearly everyone has fallen in line with the revolution mentality sweeping the nation.

“You tell me that it’s evolution. Well, you know, we all want to change the world.”

See above.

“But when you talk about destruction, don’t you know that you can count me out.”

Here’s where the Beatles begin their oppositional stance towards Mr. Trump. Taking cues from the liberal-leaning American population, the Beatles denounce the proposed bombings in the Middle East. However, reading into this lyric, you can notice that the subtext also disavows the hinted intentions of Trump to remove the United States from global organizations like the United Nations. Not only do John, Paul, George, and Ringo oppose literal destruction abroad, but they also want the GOP to “count [them] out” of the potential “destruction” of global coalitions to which the United States belongs.

“You say you got a real solution. Well, you know, we’d all love to see the plan.”

A common criticism of political candidates amongst the general population is the tendency for prospective politicians to offer primarily sentiment while avoiding detailed descriptions of their intentions or execution of proposed plans. Here, the Beatles return their attention to the whole of major party politics in the United States, criticizing both Trump’s ability to outline a plan beyond “we’re going to build a wall and Mexico’s going to pay for it,” and the lack of a defined platform proposing significant changes to the current political landscape from Hillary Clinton. Clearly, the Beatles want more information than they’re being given, as do many American citizens.

Chris Traeger is literally just another typical politician. 

“You ask me for a contribution. Well, you know, we’re all doing what we can.”

Here, we witness a thinly veiled jab at the political campaigns of Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton. While the Beatles may have the capital to endorse the political candidate of their choosing, they recognize that the vast majority of their fans are insulted by wealthy individuals like Trump and Clinton begging for donations from the middle class. In response, they take the given opportunity to speak out against the top 1%’s shameless solicitation of America’s populace.

“But if you want money for people with minds that hate, all I can tell you is “buddy, you’ll have to wait.”

Again, the Beatles direct their attention towards Mr. Trump. Unafraid to protest openly against the Republican presidential candidate, the Fab Four openly refer to the former Apprentice host as a person with a mind that hates. While this could be referencing a number of Trump stances, I would assume the Beatles are particularly focusing on the xenophobic leanings of the Donald regarding Muslims and Mexicans. Through this lyric, the Beatles respond with a resounding “NO” to Trump’s earlier pleas for campaign funding.

“You say you’ll change the Constitution. Well, you know, we all want to change your head.”

For the first time, the Beatles seem to nod towards the Left more than the Right with a lyric. While this line is a little vague, I would assume they’re referencing the ongoing attempts of far Left activists to revoke or scale back the scope of the Second Amendment. While this line could also refer to recent passing of laws protecting the rights of the homosexual and transexual community, the previous criticism of Mr. Trump would make this an odd shift in political leaning for the Fab Four.

That’s cool, Nic. Just stay away from the Constitution.

“You tell me it’s the institution. Well, you know, you’d better free your mind instead.”

Yeah, the Beatles’ buzz is starting to wear off by now. Their attention span has dissipated (typical millennials) and now the group seems to be encouraging a nationwide “high” in an effort to calm the ongoing tension across the country.

“But if you go carrying pictures of Chairman Mao, you ain’t gonna make it with anyone, anyhow.”

Oh yeah, this song came out in the Sixties, not recently. Also, if you’re carrying pictures of Chairman Mao, it’s a little weird at this point. Might want to update your wallet with a picture of Vladimir Putin or Kim Jong-un.

And lastly,

“Don’t you know it’s gonna be alright.”

The reprise heard throughout the song emphasizes the necessity for optimism in such tumultuous times. It’s a much needed sentiment that offers hope for a brighter future at the end of these dark times. How poetic.

In conclusion, the Beatles’ “Revolution” is the perfect song to encapsulate current events in the United States, particularly regarding the upcoming presidential election. They truly were ahead of their time.

Finding a Musical Comparison for the Golden State Warriors

The NBA and hip-hop culture are pretty obviously intertwined. I mean, since Allen Iverson, nearly 80% of NBA players (I made that number up) have embraced the lifestyle most commonly associated with hip-hop, at least in the media. Think J.R. Smith. That’s the extreme of this relationship, at present.

Also, ignore Jimmy Butler’s country music warm-up playlist that is absolute trash. He’s an oddity, an outlier, and quite frankly an embarrassment to the Chicago Bulls franchise. Okay, that last part was a little much. But the point remains: the vast majority of NBA players enjoy hip-hop music more than any other genre, with a select few even pursuing rap careers in the offseason.

But I’m not here to talk about hip-hop.

Rather, I want to talk about our new overlords, the Golden State Warriors, and the musical comp for the ages. And that comp lies solidly within the realm of classic rock royalty.

I’m sorry Dubs super-fans, Smash Mouth, but you’re not in the running.

I only approach this topic because I was privy to a Twitter debate this afternoon regarding the subject. The whole exchange was founded behind a dimwitted, flawed, and thoroughly lazy comparison of the new-look Warriors to the Beatles. Foolish.

For one, who amongst the Warriors “Big Four” plays the role of Ringo in this scenario? Ringo was an anomaly in a group of larger-than-life rockstars who often fell victim to countless jokes from his bandmates. I just can’t see the rest of the Warriors ganging up to clown one of their stars in press conferences regularly. It simply doesn’t make any sense.

Now, it’s time for me to open up to a world of criticism (and possibly a few unsubscribes) by stating an absolute opinion that truly rules out the Beatles-Dubs comparison: If the Warriors boast the greatest all-around assemblage of talent the NBA has ever seen, their musical comparison must be of equal talent relative to their musical competition. And that is not the Beatles.

Don’t get me wrong, the Beatles boast four incredible (fabulous?) musicians. However, they are more 2014 Spurs than new-look Warriors. The Spurs were one of the best all-around basketball squads ever, but failed to boast any true superstars. Their main players (Duncan, Parker, Ginobili, and Kawhi) were all very good, but it was the coalescence of their fundamental skill-sets that amounted to world domination.

The same could be said of the Beatles. John Lennon was a terrific vocalist, but he wasn’t on the same level of a Freddie Mercury. Paul McCartney was also an amazing all-around musician, but he failed to succeed in grand fashion at any particular instrument (though the Lennon-McCartney songwriting duo is clearly unparalleled). George Harrison was a groundbreaking guitarist and technically proficient while still playing with freedom and soul, but he’s not in the same elite tier of Clapton or Hendrix or Eddie Van Halen. And Ringo, while being the backbone for the most popular musical outfit in all of history, is nowhere near the upper echelon of drummers like Keith Moon or Neil Peart.

No, as great as the Beatles are, their individual talents do not quite add up to an equal worthy of comparison to the Golden State Warriors.

So who’s the better comp?

Well, I’ve given a bit of thought to that. First, I’ve narrowed the contenders to quartets, as that’s essentially how the Warriors will be viewed. So then, what great four-pieces seem to potentially vie for this honorary, pointless status?

Queen makes an interesting case, but are not quite talented enough top-to-bottom to encapsulate the Warriors. Pink Floyd is interesting, but I don’t foresee the required dissension among Curry and Durant to warrant this comparison. I really want to make the Warriors the equals of the Who, but I’m not sure the member-to-player breakdowns would make as much sense as my winner.

No, the musical comparison for the Golden State Warriors is…Led Zeppelin!

Okay, this may be too high of praise for the Warriors. I mean, Led Zeppelin is the greatest band of all time (don’t fight me on this). I don’t want to jump the gun and declare the Warriors the greatest team of all time (I’ve almost made that mistake once, after all) because they haven’t played a minute of basketball together. Still, the collection of talent between the two is uncanny, especially in how the players perfectly equate to their musical counterparts.

Let’s break this down:

First, let’s get the obvious out of the way: Kevin Durant is Jimmy Page. Page left the Yardbirds (a terrific band in their own right *cough* Thunder *cough*) to lead a new death squad that would conquer music with unabashed swagger and heavenly sounds. See the KD parallel? Also, Jimmy Page is one of a handful of elite guitarists in history with an all-around mastery of the instrument. Jimmy Page was phenomenal because he mastered every aspect of his craft. Kevin Durant is climbing the ranks of NBA legends because he can score in every way imaginable and shows versatility on the defense end. Kevin Durant is the NBA’s Jimmy Page and it’s not up for debate.

I’m fairly certain Durant would play 12 string, FWIW

Now, who amongst the Warriors takes on the role of Robert Plant? Well, that would be Sir Draymond Green (he’s been knighted, right?) playing the part of the exuberant vocal leader of the Warriors. Robert Plant is a terrific frontman because he possesses the necessary swagger, not because he’s an otherworldly vocalist (but he’s still pretty good). Robert Plant was unique in his time. Draymond shares the swagger of Plant, but likewise is not special regarding pure talent. Draymond is the idiosyncratic star of the Warriors equal to that of the Golden God, Robert Plant.

Klay Thompson is John Paul Jones because he is a near-lock to be unappreciated in his own time. It took a few awesome games in the playoffs for casual fans to recognize how awesome and quietly ruthless Klay remains. Among bassists, I think it’s fair to say John Paul Jones was continually ignored as a result of background greatness when compared to his more exciting bandmates. Nevertheless, John Paul Jones had to chug along in the background with rock-solid baselines holding “Ramble On” and “Over the Hills and Far Away.” The flash factor isn’t there, but you can’t argue with the results produced by Klay and JPJ.

Lastly, Stephen Curry is the Warriors’ equivalent of John Bonham (though, hopefully without the tragic end). Bonham is one of the greatest drummers in rock history, much in the same way Curry is the greatest shooter the NBA has ever seen. Also, John Bonham destroyed songs, and the hope of lesser bands equaling Zeppelin, with the same ferocity and regardlessness for human life that Curry encapsulates when he goes full Super Saiyan and starts pulling up from 35 feet just to obliterate the confidence of his lesser competitors.

I don’t know what I meant to accomplish by writing this, but hopefully someone finds value in knowing, without a doubt, that the new Golden State Warriors are the basketball equivalent of Led Zeppelin. Feel free to borrow some of the finer points outlined above when drunkenly debating the NBA in December as the Dubs lay waste to the competition.

“Going to California with destruction in my heart…”

Valar Morghulis: Dissecting the Latest Game of Thrones News

The long winter approaches, and with it comes anguish and torment.

That’s right, just three weeks removed from the Season Six finale of Emmy-winning, world-dominating hit, Game of Thrones, the first sign of reality has reared its ugly, Hound-like mug.

Buried among the celebration for the program’s 23 Emmy nominations, the most dire news has echoed throughout the realm:

Season Seven of Game of Thrones will not air until the summer of 2017.

Okay, so it’s not the Earth-shattering calamity that some diehard fans seem to believe, but it is a somber reminder that winter is indeed coming, not only in Winterfell, but in reality as well.

Here’s the full scoop, courtesy of Varys himself: Thrones will not return for almost a full calendar year, which will mark the latest season premier in the show’s history (this year’s season previously held that distinction with an April 24th premier). Season Seven will also be reduced from the standard ten episodes to a seven episode run (coincidentally in the show’s seventh season). And perhaps most importantly, there remains no confirmation of more Game of Thrones beyond 2017.

Now, let’s break this down piece by piece to fully understand the circumstances facing House Fandom.

First, like Abed Nadir of Dan Harmon’s Community once remarked, referencing the business of television: “It’s been moved to midseason. That’s never a good sign.”

Yes, traditionally a program’s season premiere being pushed back is a death omen that can send fans into a panic, hoping for Melisandre or Hulu to revive the show. However, Thrones fans do not have as much reason for despair as would traditionally be warranted by this news.

Quite simply, the only reason Thrones is being pushed back is to accommodate a more suitable filming schedule for the cast and crew. To be fair, winter has arrived in the Seven Kingdoms and it’s fair to assume the show-runners are aware of the changing necessities for filming the program as a result. With fewer scenes to film in temperate conditions and an increasing need for snowy, cold backdrops, it makes too much sense to push back filming and attempt to find these conditions organically.

Also, it’s fair to assume that a few important cast members might have requested the elongated break to pursue projects outside of the fantasy juggernaut. After all, if the cast is smart, they’ll recognize they could be written out of the show (for good) at any point and would need new projects to fall back on.

Yeah, this worked out well.

All told, it sucks that fans will have to wait longer than normal for their fix of “Daenerys & Friends Fight the Establishment,” but it’s not all that important. It’s not like fans are going to stop watching because they’re missing out on a few balmy Sunday nights outdoors. In fact, this is likely more devastating for fans of HBO’s Silicon Valley and Veep, which have followed HBO’s premier program for the entirety of their run and might suffer from lower ratings now that they won’t be receiving Thrones runoff. Even then, HBO’s comedic giants are huge enough to stand on their own by now.

Now, the reduction of episodes is both a non-issue and worrisome. On one hand, losing three episodes shouldn’t matter a whole lot, because the seven episodes that will delivered are likely to run much longer (maybe even a full half hour more) than a typical episode. In fact, one could look at this reduction as a positive, in that Thrones will only control everyone’s lives for seven Sundays, rather than the traditional ten (although, it’s altogether possible some fans will resent having three extra nights without predetermined plans). But most importantly, fans worried that they won’t receive the same amount of Thrones next year should probably stop sweating because the total runtime is unlikely to change, even with a reduction.

However! All is not well in the realm, for the Targaryen fleet sailing to Winterfell not only signals war and murder on the horizon, but also the inevitable end for the premier program in HBO’s storied history. And a shortened season is just the first indication of impending finality. Very rarely are episode orders reduced without a coming series finale in sight. In fact, the only notable instance that could offer hope is Season Four of The Office (U.S.), which was reduced from 23 to 14 episodes, but also held longer episodes and saw the show return to standard season orders afterwards. While it’s possible HBO could have a similar vision for Game of Thrones, I doubt that’s the reality.

Which brings us to the last, most unnerving bit of information currently surrounding Game of Thrones: Season Eight is still unconfirmed. Plenty of shows, throughout the history of television, have decreased episode orders in their final seasons. What if that’s what HBO is doing with Season Seven of Thrones?

Okay, I don’t actually believe that 2017 is the year the White Walkers finally overrun Winterfell and end the show in the most depressing way possible, with only Varys and Samwell Tarly prescient enough to escape across the Narrow Sea beforehand (should that prediction become reality, remember you read it here first). Simply put, the show is too important for HBO to abandon it at the moment. Season Six witnessed another increase in the show’s ratings. Like Breaking Bad, I suspect Game of Thrones ends with a gargantuan fanbase hanging onto every word in every episode right to the end. It just doesn’t appear likely that HBO would ride the show into a “jump the shark” moment and then keep on chugging along in an obvious cash-grab. When the epic, sprawling storylines of Thrones finally intersect all-at-once, expect HBO to get out at the perfect moment.

Is it possible that 2017 brings together Bran and Jon Snow, Arya and Sansa Stark, Petyr Bealish and Cersei, the Hound and the Mountain, Jaime and Tyrion, Daenerys and the White Walkers, Varys and the Iron Borne, and of course, Lady Mormont and the Throne?

Sure, seven elongated episodes could theoretically tie together all these storylines and come to a resolution. In fact, until an eighth season is confirmed, fans should assume this to be the case, just as a precaution. However, the show-runners have been careful to take their time and tell a proper story, regardless of any time considerations. With so many characters searching for an end to their story arc, it would be a terrifying endeavor to wrap up so many loose ends across seven measly episodes. Expect an Eighth Season, but be wary for everyday that goes by without confirmation.

Lastly, Game of Thrones fans need to recognize that the end is nigh for one of the most popular programs to ever grace the small screen. Fewer episodes and longer layoffs between season confirmations almost always point to the twilight of a show’s run. Come 2018, there’s a solid possibility television fans will be mourning one of the more incredible television events in the history of premium cable programming.

If there’s one take away that the legion of GOT fans should garner from today, it’s this: cherish every remaining episode of Game of Thrones, for just like Lord Tywin Lannister, we may never expect the end until it’s staring us in the face with a crossbow while our pants hang around our ankles. Such is the cruelty of George R.R. Martin and television executives.

“Oh, look at that! I’ve been impaled!”

Black Sabbath Goes Pop or: How to Ditch Post-Grunge and Love the Blues-y Future of Rock

Ok, so rock and roll is not dead. It’s not going to die, either. Despite the doomsday predictions of cynics that simply hate the glorification of sex, drugs, and wait every genre talks about the same material that rock music does.

Go on…

Rock and roll is ingrained into modern culture to the point where television series like the recently cancelled Vinyl from HBO, Showtime’s Roadies, and FX’s Sex&Drugs&Rock&Roll are all the rage in the high-end cable programming market. However, what is often referenced as “rock music” (perhaps correctly) refers almost exclusively to the classics released decades ago.

The Rolling Stones, The Who, Lynyrd Skynyrd, Boston, The Beatles, Jimi Hendrix, and Led Zeppelin are the names synonymous with the term “rock,” but the moniker hasn’t been limited in use to only those hard rock bands of the 1960s and 70s. Rather, any music dominated by guitar riffs (distorted, preferably) and uptempo drumbeats are still referred to as “rock.” And as a result, official charts like Billboard and Mediabase still lump together modern guitar-heavy songs under the “rock” label (though, alternative charts also showcase some contemporary guitar-driven musicians).

I’ve rambled a bit so far, but trust me, I do have a point.

Over the course of the last few years, airplay for new “rock” groups on traditional radio stations (still the best way to monitor new music, in my opinion) have witnessed a notable decline. Following alternative and rock radio trends daily on Kworb.net, I’ve noticed that alternative music, the cousin (and chief competitor) to rock radio, has been subject to a sharp spike in popularity over the last five years, while rock has oscillated between small declines and stagnation.

Take this for example:

Five years ago today, eleven songs garnered at least 1,000 spins per day on alternative radio stations in the United States, with “Pumped Up Kicks” (remember that?) holding the number one spot at 1,846 spins nationwide. Flash forward to the present and the alternative chart currently boasts eighteen songs with at least 1,000 spins, with the number one spot held by the ageless Blink-182’s “Bored to Death,” sitting on an impressive 3,167 spins over the last 24 hours. It doesn’t take a top-notch market analyst (thankfully) to recognize that alternative radio is on the rise, and most of the growth has been fueled by newer groups like twenty one pilots, Bastille, Fitz & the Tantrums, and AWOLNATION.

“Stressed Out” by twenty one pilots is too real

For accurate comparison, look no further than the same statistics for rock radio over the same time span. Five years ago today, ten active rock songs garnered 1,000 spins, with Adelitas Way’s “Sick” pacing the competition with 1,956 spins. Today, only eight songs are currently pulling 1,000 spins or more. The current active rock number one, “Dark Necessities” by the immortal Red Hot Chili Peppers, is topping out at 2,050 spins, but the “spin-crease” for number one songs in the rock genre is nowhere close to that of the alternative chart.

Here’s the thing with new rock music’s lack of growth: rock stations in the United States, as dictated by their listener base, are being forced to rely more heavily on a catalog of hits from years prior and abandon the focus on promoting new records. That’s not the way radio is meant to operate, unless it’s an “oldies” station and it spells an end to modern rock’s popularity in the mainstream.

So what can be done to salvage rock radio stations from a seemingly predestined fade into oblivion akin to that of Album-Oriented Radio decades ago (AOR: the founders of the term “Classic Rock”)?

Me too, Ozzy. Now back to your “Sounds of the Eighties” station.

Well, the answer seems fairly obvious, in my estimation. It’s time to ditch “new” songs that rely on the post-grunge soundscape. The old giants of the genre (Godsmack, Breaking Benjamin, Three Days Grace, etc.) continue to rely on the same generic, grinding, metal-lite formula that vaunted their success in the late 90s and early 2000s. As great as “I Hate Everything About You” was over a decade ago, we’ve all been exposed to multiple songs imitating the same lyrical tone and power-chord driven sludge for far too long, with little variation to find reprieve within.

But lo and behold! There are a bevy of new rock groups tapping into a “new” foundation for the genre!

The future of rock music is waiting in the wings with the sound that could easily fuel another decade-plus of tolerable imitators. For illustrative purposes, the rebirth of rock is contingent on a sound mixing the blues-infected metal of Black Sabbath with the uptempo excitement of Led Zeppelin’s “Rock and Roll.” And yet, this sound is not entirely a copy of the bluesy hard rock of the early 70s, for these groups are blending pop-alternative sensibilities of the present with darker, heavier guitar-and-drum fueled swagger evoking Jimmy Page and Joe Perry.

And so is your music, Mr. Plant.

So who are the saviors of rock radio?

Well, let me name a few that have already flashed arena-sellout, multi-platinum potential:

Highly Suspect, who recently topped the charts with infectious singles like “Lydia” and “Bloodfeather.”

The Pretty Reckless, headlined by Cindy Lou Who from “How the Grinch Stole Christmas” and boasting recent hits like “Heaven Knows” and “F*cked Up World.”

This former child star hardly looks like she belongs in Whoville

Royal Blood, a British bass-and-drum duo with infectious singles like “Figure It Out” and some of the more inventive, imaginative music videos in recent memory.

And of course, the headliner of this blues-ier rock sound, Volbeat, whose blend of country-western imagery, fearless guitar solos, and riffing reminiscent of “Black Album”-era Kirk Hammett melds into rollicking tracks like “Heaven Nor Hell” and “The Devil’s Bleeding Crown.”

Paired with alt-rock crossovers, the Black Keys (among others), the opportunity for rock music to reenter the realm of nationwide popularity is present and should be promoted. Rock music has grown stale over the last decade, but that shouldn’t lead to complacency among mainstream rock DJs.

Let’s infuse some fresh blood into a genre that’s been on life-support since the Second Bush administration. I’m sure rock ambassador Dave Grohl would echo my sentiment, for what it’s worth.

“Rock is dead,” they say. LONG LIVE ROCK!

Who’s the Boss? LeBron James Should Prepare for His Next MVP Presentation

Let’s be fair and put the obvious fact out in the open right now: LeBron James has been the best basketball player on the planet for the last half-dozen or so years and that doesn’t look like a statement that’s going to be untrue in the near future.

Nevertheless, LeBron has spent the last three years devoid of the proper recognition for his dominance. There’s a definitive argument that each of the last three Most Valuable Player awards should be residing on the mantle of one of the finest players to pick up a basketball since James Naismith first introduced the world to the marvelous game.

However, I’m not one to obsess over revisionist historicism. Also, I would hate to devalue the accomplishments of Misters Durant and Curry. After all, LeBron dominated the MVP conversation for years prior and a well-deserved break to recognize some of the other contemporary greats has been immeasurably enjoyable, at least in the mind of this amateur sports enthusiast.

My question: is it time for LeBron to reclaim what is rightfully his?

The reason that now seems like such an appropriate time to evaluate the field of contenders for the MVP’s most prestigious individual award comes from the pairing of the two most recent winners of the award on the finest assemblage of talent on a single roster ever. With Kevin Durant joining Stephen Curry’s Warriors, there is an increasing likelihood that neither may truly contend for the 2016-17 Most Valuable Player distinction. After all, doesn’t pairing two of the elite talents in the league guarantee a devaluation of their accomplishments? I mean, the only reason Chris Paul has failed to grace the discussion in any meaningful manner over the last four years is 6’10” and the poster child for the new Kia Sportage.

He’s not the hero we deserve…

Elite pairings of teammates can be devastating to the individual player’s MVP aspirations, even if the players are unquestionably the class of the league. It’s a proven truth.

As a result, one of the more underrated effects of Kevin Durant’s free agency decision has been the enormous impact on the MVP race. Hence my asking: LeBron James is the MVP favorite, right?

I know, it’s way too early to be talking about the end of next season, but I blame Kevin Durant for this line of thinking.

That’s right. Stand there and think about what you’ve done.

For my money, there’s only three or four real contenders for next year’s ultimate award, and LeBron is unquestionably at the top of the list. The thing about the MVP award is that it almost always goes to a player whose team finishes with a top 5 record league wide. Unfortunately, a bunch of the premier talent in the NBA currently resides on teams that should fall well short of that threshold.

James Harden and the Rockets stand well off to the side of the elite and a little thing called “defense” is guaranteed to keep them out of the conversation. Anthony Davis and Karl-Anthony Towns are both elite talents, but they’re hampered by young, unproven squads unlikely to make the daunting leap from bottom five to legitimate contention. As mentioned previously, Chris Paul and Blake Griffin are unlikely to stand separately enough to give voters a clear Clipper candidate. And don’t get me started on DeMarcus Cousins and the Kings’ eternal swirling vortex of sadness.

Don’t pout, Boogie! Maybe this will be the year you finally get traded!

Now, how about the borderline contenders with top tier talent?

Sure, Kyle Lowry and DeMar DeRozan are excellent players on a great Raptors squad, but they’ll suffer from the top tier teammate tax (say that five times fast). Damian Lillard could certainly work his way into serious consideration, but color me skeptical regarding Portland’s chances of breaking into the class of the Warriors, Spurs, and Clippers. Carmelo Anthony could still be great, but I’m not sure his newly fragile supporting cast will actually hold up and reach their potential over a full season. Well-compensated Mike Conley and Marc Gasol are terrific players on what should be an awesome Grizzlies team, but neither have the statistical ceiling to warrant real MVP consideration. And as much as I love Jimmy Butler, I have some serious reservations about the chemistry and fit with the Dwyane Wade-era Bulls.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to say LeBron is already a lock for his fifth MVP. I’m just trying to point out the lack of real competition for the award. How about I offer some proof by highlighting the three players I think have an honest shot at the hardware?

Paul George, beyond being the new cover athlete for 2K17, is an incredible player. He’s a near lock for at least 20 points per game, and also offers great rebounding and playmaking abilities. Toss in the fact that he’s one of a handful of lockdown perimeter defenders in the league, and PG-13 has the tools necessary to assert himself among the leagues elite once-and-for-all. Plus, the Pacers are a much improved team that’s finally all-in on their pace-and-space, small-ball vision that Larry Bird seems so caught up in. Surrounded by other playmakers (Jeff Teague, Monta Ellis) and hustling, athletic big men (Thaddeus Young, Myles Turner), Paul George finally has the role players suited to highlight his talents. If everything clicks, the Pacers are a dangerous team led by a legitimate MVP contender. But George is easily the least likely of the three true competitors for the ultimate award.

“THE KLAW”

With the better team and more evolved reputation, Kawhi Leonard is not only the superior version of Paul George, but also the unquestioned leader of the San Antonio Spurs following Tim Duncan’s retirement. Hell, Kawhi was in contention for MVP last year and is still young enough (25) to project real growth. He posted the highest usage rate of his career in 2016 without sacrificing his trademark efficiency. Paired with freshly minted Spur, Pau Gasol, LaMarcus Aldridge, and Tony Parker, Kawhi has plenty of offensive talent to afford his freedom on offense while encouraging continued growth into a true number one scoring threat.

However, Kawhi’s MVP candidacy will hinge entirely upon the performance of the Spurs defense. Sure, Duncan wasn’t himself on offense, but anyone that watched the Spurs recognized their record-setting defense still owed a lot to the Big Fundamental. If Kawhi can power the Spurs defense back into all-time elite territory with a weaker frontcourt, he should easily have the potential to take home yet another piece of hardware for his mantle.

Lastly, it’s time to invoke the boom-or-bust bet that I’m confidently investing in regarding any pre-season 2017 MVP award ceremony prop-bets.

Russell. Westbrook.

On the Durant-less Thunder, Westbrook has complete control of the operation at last. Without KD, Oklahoma City doesn’t have the elite firepower to hang with the monstrosities atop the Western Conference, but Westbrook is capable of posting some ridiculous, RIDICULOUS stat-lines in his first season as the unquestioned leader. I wouldn’t bet against his ability to break the streak of MVPs needing a hugely successful team supporting their resume. More importantly, if Westbrook indeed finds himself on a team like, say, the Celtics, his MVP candidacy immediately swells to the equal of LeBron James.

Regardless, in this theoretical tie-breaker, I’m going with the top five all-time talent coming off the most impressive four game stretch of his long, wildly successful career. LeBron is maybe the only player with an actual shot of leading the league in points and assists and he’s been remarkably consistent for over a decade. Throw in the fact that the Cavaliers are the reigning NBA champions with the same cast still in place for another deep postseason run and it’s time to recognize that LeBron James is yet again the premier MVP candidate left in the NBA.

So LeBron should go ahead and prepare an MVP acceptance speech (or just reuse his last one) because it’s obvious the Association is still run by its King.

Or maybe don’t jinx it. After all, this whole article is presupposing an entire season’s worth of games and a lot can happen in a year. Hell, Curry could go for three straight and I wouldn’t be totally shocked.

Rob Gronkowski: Already Hall of Fame Worthy?

We are currently trapped in the deadest part of the NFL offseason. Practically every bit of free agency is wrapped up, trade season is done (for now), and training camps don’t convene for another few weeks. Outside of the occasional update on rehabbing stars, the NFL is devoid of real news at the moment. Really, it’s an absolutely awful time of the year if you don’t care for baseball.

As a result of this boredom-inducing doldrum of a July, I found myself listening to ESPN’s Fantasy Focus Football podcast today, despite the fact that there’s really nothing to discuss on the topic. I mean, even fantasy draft season won’t start until the end of the month. Nevertheless, as I was tuning in and out of the football ramblings, I caught a statement that truly piqued my interest.

While discussing the disparity between the number one fantasy tight end and the rest of the field, the podcast’s host offhandedly commented on the top tight end’s career by posing a question: “Is Rob Gronkowski already a Hall of Fame tight end?”

It’s an interesting notion (as far as offseason football discussion is concerned) and I couldn’t help but dig into this proposal. If Gronk never played another snap of professional football, would he actually be worthy of enshrinement in Canton alongside the all-time elite at the position?

Now, he’s just 27. This hypothetical scenario is ridiculous unless you’re a perpetual pessimist willing to bet on the non-zero chance that Gronk suffers a career-ending injury. There’s roughly a 99% chance Gronk continues to play at a high level for at least another season or two. All of this taken into account, if you want to stop reading now, I’d understand. But if you’re as bored as I am, please take a moment to ponder this unimportant notion, with my thoughts peppered in to help you develop a more informed opinion.

First, we need to establish the elite class to which we are trying to ascribe Mr. Gronkowski. Currently, only eight tight ends are permanently enshrined in the Pro Football Hall of Fame: Mike Ditka, John Mackey, Jackie Smith, Kellen Winslow, Ozzie Newsome, Dave Casper, Charlie Sanders, and Shannon Sharpe. I’m sure there’s casual fans out there that wouldn’t recognize a couple of those names. Regardless, it’s an exclusive club Gronk’s trying to join.

Amongst the eight current HOF tight ends, there are a combined 43 Pro Bowl appearances and 7 Super Bowl rings. All, save Ozzie Newsome, have graced a Pro Bowl roster at least five times in their careers. Rob Gronkowski already has four appearances to his name. Half of all Hall of Fame tight ends have a Super Bowl ring on their resume. The Gronk already has one ring on his massive finger (and an amusing ESPN commercial as proof). In summation, Gronk clearly has the personal accolades and team accomplishments to measure up with the immortalized elite at his position.

But awards are not the only requirement for enshrinement in Canton. To be a Hall of Famer, one also must boast the career statistics befitting of an all-time great. So let’s see how the NFL’s resident partier stacks up on the stat sheet.

He’s probably got the most kittens, FWIW

First, let’s look at the statistic that best encapsulates the greatness of Gronk: touchdowns (all statistics provided by pro-football-reference.com). Gronkowski has found his way into the end-zone 66 times in his regular season career, with another 9 TDs in his 10 postseason games.

You know how many Hall of Fame tight ends can match those totals? None.

Shannon Sharpe leads all current Hall of Fame tight ends in the category with 62 regular season TDs. It’s not crazy to say that Gronkowski is the premier end-zone threat in the history of the sport. That’s how prolific Gronk is at finding pay dirt.

Scoring is essential to winning football games (unsurprisingly, Gronkowski’s Patriots have won quite a few games in his career), but there are several other important statistics used to evaluate pass catchers.

See! Not a touchdown, but probably his most impressive career catch

For instance, receiving yards are important when evaluating the wholistic value of a position player. Comparing Gronkowski’s 5555 career receiving yards to the Hall of Fame elite helps paint a more complete picture of how Gronk measures up. In this case, Gronkowski only outpaces John Mackey, Dave Casper, and Charlie Sanders in career receiving yards. However, Gronk’s yards per reception outpaces six of the eight HOF tight ends, including the Hall’s current tight end receiving king, Mr. Sharpe. While his career yardage arguably doesn’t equate to Hall of Fame worthiness, the underlying numbers hint that in perhaps as few as two more seasons, Gronk should likely surpass every Hall of Famer, save Sharpe, in career yardage.

Another interesting receiving statistic regarding Gronk: remove Sharpe from the equation, and the young tight end has at least 300 more career playoff yards than every Hall of Famer at the position. I know, opportunity, quarterback differentials, etc., but that’s still one remarkably impressive comparison.

Combine the career receiving stats with his bare-minimum average blocking skills, and Gronkowski already seems like a shoe-in for Hall of Fame induction, with much of his career still to come.

He’s also the premier source for crazy photographs amongst NFL players

But let’s not discount the knowledge that Gronkowski is currently playing in a much more pass-happy league than his HOF peers, meaning that his statistics may be inflated as a result of increased freedom in the receiving game. How can we quantify this disparity accurately?

Well, we should look no further than two no-doubt future Hall of Famers that have spent the majority of their careers with the same rules in place which Gronk has been bestowed: Tony Gonzalez and Antonio Gates.

Many players have dunked on the goalposts, but none have done it like Tony G.

A 12x Pro Bowler and, in my mind, the greatest tight end in NFL history, Tony Gonzalez has nearly 3x as many career receiving yards as Gronkowski and also has 45 more touchdowns than the young challenger to his throne. After 17 terrific seasons spread across Kansas City and Atlanta, Tony Gonzalez is the standard for immortality that all future tight ends must be measured against. This comparison was meant to humble young, jubilant Gronkowski, but it’s really unfair to this point.

Instead, take a look at the career of Antonio Gates. Heading into the 2016 season, Gates has eight Pro Bowl appearances to his name, with 10644 receiving yards and 104 touchdowns to boot. However, across nine postseason starts, Gates has found the end zone just once.

As a regular season performer, Gates is well-above Gronkowski, as matters currently stand. However, Gronkowski has a significant advantage when comparing postseason resumes, and one’s accomplishments in the playoffs often hold significant weight when evaluating Hall of Fame candidacies. While Gates would still clearly be selected for enshrinement over his young counterpart, the rift separating the two is not as wide as many may think and should shrink significantly over the course of the 2016 season.

Gates should do this more often in 2016, IMO

All told, it’s tough to make a judgement for Gronkowski’s Hall of Fame candidacy as things currently stand. Would you consider Heath Miller a HOF-worthy tight end? All variables considered, Miller is probably owner of the most comparable career to current day Gronkowski. In all likelihood, Heath Miller won’t be deemed worthy of a spot in Canton. By extension, I suppose that would mean Gronkowski, as of yet, is still shy of the Hall of Fame.

Again, Rob Gronkowski is just 27 and already compares favorably to a number of Hall of Fame tight ends. To say that he wouldn’t deserve enshrinement in Canton this very second is absurd and not an absolute certainty. Plus, he’s got years to add to his already outstanding resume.

The very idea that Gronkowski’s Hall of Fame candidacy is actually debatable at this stage of his career is the most stunning indicator of his generational talent. The Gronk is incredible and we should all feel fortunate to watch (hopefully) many more seasons of one of the NFL’s premier athletes of all time.

Keep deflating them footballs, Gronk!

“We now return you to your regularly scheduled NFL withdrawal.”